Transition On The Job/when To Come Out?

[Guest Linus Thomas]

I hope I have this in the right forum.

Basically, I need some advice/feedback from others about how to do this. Let me explain.

I'm a technical trainer for a large well-known software development company (no, not Microsoft but we're big enough to scare them). Anyways, I've been with the company since Fall 2005. I didn't start or contemplate transitioning until late 2007. I had switched from a role that was only on the phone with clients (global support) to that of technical trainer (mostly in front of clients). Clients haven't been thus far an issue because I usually only see them for 3-5 days at a time (when teaching in person). I usually teach by myself but sometimes co-teach with colleagues (usually for online classes -- no video, just audio and PowerPoint presentations).

That said, I pass, at this point, about 65-80% of the time. I've yet to be thrown out of my birth gender's washroom (fear is still holding me back some because of the passing issue and because I don't have a STP yet but I'm seriously contemplating getting one). I have a "fuzzy" moustache, semi-goatee and decent neck growth. My voice cracks at times and if I'm careful (talking slow) it sounds deep. I have yet to do name change because of fears of how my benefits program might interpret it as (I'm trying to see how much of my surgeries I can get covered under benefits without it being identified as "SRS" -- my benefits won't cover it and requests to get that changed by the company have been refused thus far). I won't be able to get gender on my BC or passport changed because of requirements by my home province.

For the most part I don't see my colleagues other than the occasional online teach and very rare in-person teach (I had one with one colleague at the beginning of Feb in Chicago). This May I will be meeting with all my colleagues (about 300 of us) in San Francisco for the first time in a year. Some of my colleagues know or have figured out what has been going on (thanks to Facebook or discussions online -- the ones I trust the most or feel I can trust). For the others, however, they think I either have the longest cold possible or they are totally unaware.

So all that long winded background leads me to my question: when do I come out to them to ask them to use my "chosen" male name? Do I do it after my name change or should I do it before? HR is aware of this but I feel like I'm in that "in-between" stage and yet doing this publicly. I know I'm not the first at the company to do it but I think the person that did it before was in a less public position.

Any advice/suggestions/comments would be welcomed.

[Sally]

I guess you're only option is to come out at the conference, or do what we all do, and shave very close and wear a god foundation!

I don't think that you want to try to pass as female anymore do you?

You have reached Ha point where the decision is pretty much being made for you.

I'm not sure what to say about your insurance, but my history with company's insurance plans is that they always change the policy just before I'm about to need it - so it's never there anyway.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I hope I have this in the right forum.

Basically, I need some advice/feedback from others about how to do this. Let me explain.

I'm a technical trainer for a large well-known software development company (no, not Microsoft but we're big enough to scare them). Anyways, I've been with the company since Fall 2005. I didn't start or contemplate transitioning until late 2007. I had switched from a role that was only on the phone with clients (global support) to that of technical trainer (mostly in front of clients). Clients haven't been thus far an issue because I usually only see them for 3-5 days at a time (when teaching in person). I usually teach by myself but sometimes co-teach with colleagues (usually for online classes -- no video, just audio and PowerPoint presentations).

That said, I pass, at this point, about 65-80% of the time. I've yet to be thrown out of my birth gender's washroom (fear is still holding me back some because of the passing issue and because I don't have a STP yet but I'm seriously contemplating getting one). I have a "fuzzy" moustache, semi-goatee and decent neck growth. My voice cracks at times and if I'm careful (talking slow) it sounds deep. I have yet to do name change because of fears of how my benefits program might interpret it as (I'm trying to see how much of my surgeries I can get covered under benefits without it being identified as "SRS" -- my benefits won't cover it and requests to get that changed by the company have been refused thus far). I won't be able to get gender on my BC or passport changed because of requirements by my home province.

For the most part I don't see my colleagues other than the occasional online teach and very rare in-person teach (I had one with one colleague at the beginning of Feb in Chicago). This May I will be meeting with all my colleagues (about 300 of us) in San Francisco for the first time in a year. Some of my colleagues know or have figured out what has been going on (thanks to Facebook or discussions online -- the ones I trust the most or feel I can trust). For the others, however, they think I either have the longest cold possible or they are totally unaware.

So all that long winded background leads me to my question: when do I come out to them to ask them to use my "chosen" male name? Do I do it after my name change or should I do it before? HR is aware of this but I feel like I'm in that "in-between" stage and yet doing this publicly. I know I'm not the first at the company to do it but I think the person that did it before was in a less public position.

Any advice/suggestions/comments would be welcomed.

Dear Linus,

You are extremely brave! Wow! From what you are saying, it seems to me that you are at the technical stage of your transitioning. That is actually great! I would suggest that you work with your HR department to work out the details of your transitioning. I am sure they know what to do. With that being said, I am so far behind you, I really cannot comment in a meaningful way. I only know that the company that I work for has established policies for trangendered employees. It sounds like your's does too.

I don't think I was of any real help, please forgive me.

bernie

[Guest Jackson]

So all that long winded background leads me to my question: when do I come out to them to ask them to use my "chosen" male name? Do I do it after my name change or should I do it before? HR is aware of this but I feel like I'm in that "in-between" stage and yet doing this publicly. I know I'm not the first at the company to do it but I think the person that did it before was in a less public position.

Any advice/suggestions/comments would be welcomed.

I am in a small department in a hospital of about one thousand employees. What I did was that I announced what I was doing at the start of taking hormones so that all my close colleagues would know what was going on. So it got out (gossip) to everyone which was fine. I did also tell everyone at the hospital (if they asked) that they could start using my male name whenever they wanted to, but that by November 28th (which was my official legal name change date) I would start using it officially. It's up to you, but I wanted to gradually get everyone used to it.

Hey, and I broke down and got on Facebook too. So PM me if you're interested in becoming friends on it.

[Guest Evan_J]

I don't have any "hands on" knowledge so take it with a grain, I like the idea of having HR in the loop -find out if they have a "preferred" method (why urine anybody off if they have a way they would have liked it done) then I would say "gradual" (which basically if you look at it is whats been happening) is a good way. I dunno in my regular life I basically came out gradually -let it seem normal, figured the more "normal" it was for folks and not a "event" the more natural it would all be taken by em- and it had its moments of me being impatient but over the long run I think its been a good move (I see people making their own adjustment, not so much of me having to "fight" and "correct" and have interactions about gender as them "accepting it on their own" though of course there are still "terse" instances) And I've been the same way about the pronouns and how I'm regarded too (yes, I maintain verbally my male gender in my interactions but I do a lot of "letting the transition speak for itself" ) As more and more "outside" people automatically are regarding, addressing, and conversating with me using Sir, Mr. etc it lets the people who are actually in my life "figure out by themselves" "oh wow, I will look like the crazy one calling this person something not male because the physicality is saying I'm out of my mind". To an extent that would be nice in your circumstance but since it is a professional place and professional relationships there will have to be more organization as far as "everyone getting initial information all at once". Just .02. You'll have to weigh out making sure you're not just being flagrantly disrespected by those who might be "resisting" the fact that you're male (I'm sure its there among colleges, theres always "one" person.....) and having patience/ letting the fact of where you are be caught up with in the minds of most peeps.

Specifics on "when to" with the name? You can let em know what it is but I'm sure HR will advise either waiting till its legal or using it exclusively (which may be difficult professionally because of the legality aspect) because inconsistency with it will affect business.

[Guest Jackson]

I forgot to mention about HR. I did get my director and HR involved before I announced anything. It really helped to have HR back me up.

[Guest Linus Thomas]

I've already let HR know and my manager knows. I think the gradual option will work fine. I think also the washroom thing will be the final thing in addition to the name change. I just need to get that done specifically.

I do appreciate all the input, whether experienced or theory. I think if I continue down this road it will sort itself out one way or another.

[Guest bronx]

L-

I think your in NY right? Well I transtioned in NY and I also did it on the job. I know what worked for me at work was i let HR know everthing and I then told them I was going to use the mens room from now on, In NY city there is a law that you can use the bathroom that you ID with. I then asked every one to call me my name and not my birth name. Although my checks were still in my legal name at the time. That's what worked for me. I knew that there was no living two lives anymore.

Also One day you will wake up and you will pass 100%. I didn't beleive it when another brother told me but that's how it happened. One day my voice was cracking and the next day well it dropped. it took about 7mos. And again one day i passed only 80% of the time and the next day I passed 100% of the time. It can happen that fast. It also took about 7-8mos on T. And forget it by your first year it's like WOW!!

Good luck, Coming from a guy who's been on T almost 2 yrs now.

[Guest Linus Thomas]

L-

I think your in NY right? Well I transtioned in NY and I also did it on the job. I know what worked for me at work was i let HR know everthing and I then told them I was going to use the mens room from now on, In NY city there is a law that you can use the bathroom that you ID with. I then asked every one to call me my name and not my birth name. Although my checks were still in my legal name at the time. That's what worked for me. I knew that there was no living two lives anymore.

Also One day you will wake up and you will pass 100%. I didn't beleive it when another brother told me but that's how it happened. One day my voice was cracking and the next day well it dropped. it took about 7mos. And again one day i passed only 80% of the time and the next day I passed 100% of the time. It can happen that fast. It also took about 7-8mos on T. And forget it by your first year it's like WOW!!

Good luck, Coming from a guy who's been on T almost 2 yrs now.

That's awesome. My challenge is I tend to travel a lot. NYC isn't an issue (when I'm in town I usually either teach online from home or teach in person on Wall Street -- at some point, I'll have to let that training facility know). It's everywhere else that's the challenge. Or so I believe. Perhaps it's just a matter of buckling down and just plowing ahead.

[Guest Evan_J]

Perhaps it's just a matter of buckling down and just plowing ahead.

Plow brother.

[Guest mia 1]

). .

Perhaps it's just a matter of buckling down and just plowing ahead.

Yeah that's right and keep H.R. on your shoulder. Like Lizzy said in her " Coming Out To The Boss Post" if you're making money for the company they're with you 100% Mia......

Her Post is pinned in the General Forum I believe.......check it out.....You're one smart dude ....you'll be fine

[Guest CharliTo]

I hope I have this in the right forum.

Basically, I need some advice/feedback from others about how to do this. Let me explain.

I'm a technical trainer for a large well-known software development company (no, not Microsoft but we're big enough to scare them). Anyways, I've been with the company since Fall 2005. I didn't start or contemplate transitioning until late 2007. I had switched from a role that was only on the phone with clients (global support) to that of technical trainer (mostly in front of clients). Clients haven't been thus far an issue because I usually only see them for 3-5 days at a time (when teaching in person). I usually teach by myself but sometimes co-teach with colleagues (usually for online classes -- no video, just audio and PowerPoint presentations).

That said, I pass, at this point, about 65-80% of the time. I've yet to be thrown out of my birth gender's washroom (fear is still holding me back some because of the passing issue and because I don't have a STP yet but I'm seriously contemplating getting one). I have a "fuzzy" moustache, semi-goatee and decent neck growth. My voice cracks at times and if I'm careful (talking slow) it sounds deep. I have yet to do name change because of fears of how my benefits program might interpret it as (I'm trying to see how much of my surgeries I can get covered under benefits without it being identified as "SRS" -- my benefits won't cover it and requests to get that changed by the company have been refused thus far). I won't be able to get gender on my BC or passport changed because of requirements by my home province.

For the most part I don't see my colleagues other than the occasional online teach and very rare in-person teach (I had one with one colleague at the beginning of Feb in Chicago). This May I will be meeting with all my colleagues (about 300 of us) in San Francisco for the first time in a year. Some of my colleagues know or have figured out what has been going on (thanks to Facebook or discussions online -- the ones I trust the most or feel I can trust). For the others, however, they think I either have the longest cold possible or they are totally unaware.

So all that long winded background leads me to my question: when do I come out to them to ask them to use my "chosen" male name? Do I do it after my name change or should I do it before? HR is aware of this but I feel like I'm in that "in-between" stage and yet doing this publicly. I know I'm not the first at the company to do it but I think the person that did it before was in a less public position.

Any advice/suggestions/comments would be welcomed.

You sound as careful as I am when it comes to transitioning....and I totally understand how it's like trying to reach your career goal and transition at the same time...it's sad that it goes against each other when it really shouldn't at all.

Anyways, I'm lucky that I do have an androgynous nickname I can use for the time being (Charlie) and right now everybody I know is calling me Charlie...(and pretty soon, I'm planning to turn in a name change form to change it to Charlie for now)

I just had a talk with my boss about things and they were fine...but the work places I go to are small businesses and the artsy side...

Sorry, I wish I can say how, but I don't have experience in a big company...but I think the best thing to do is to have a sincere concerned talk with your boss as far as how they would like you to take it. (after explaining that non-transitioning would not be an option)...

I'm pretty out to those in the industry I'm in now, but there are those that don't really go on my webpages that don't know...and I'm still being careful with those clients.

Most of all, I hope it goes well. *hug*