Comedy Central

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I left the therapy office today and went on my traditional go to a restaurant and eat routine because the drive home is an hour away and the sessions are late so I just eat out.

For the most part I have been dressing and going out everyday as I like to dress in womens clothes getting over my fears and enjoying how I look for the first time in my life. I am still pretty new to this but have been dressing as a woman ever since that very first trip to the store some time back. Over that time span it has been easier and easier to be me and almost all of the anxiety I used to feel has nearly melted away. I am pretty calm and relaxed now and feeling better all the time.

I have been doing pretty darn good in my estimation.

Today I got my first open clock/mocking or whatever you want to cal it. As I sat down to take my seat I walked past two people and it began. It was a father son duo the dad a much older person and the other a high school age guy. The young one started laughing and looking right at me before I had a chance to sit down,and then once I did he glanced away said whatever to the father and then proceeded to look right at me and laugh again.

These werent coincidental laughs they were directed at me for significant moments of time, so long in fact I stopped looking and turned away in shame,but still trying to keep my composure. The father of course being older and wiser never turned to look directly at me, but the words those two exchanged and the young ones inability to control himself made it quite clear I was the focus of all the laughter.

At that very moment I felt lower than the carpet,they effectively destroyed every bit of confidence I had built up and rendered me a freak again within seconds.

Mind you I have suffered some odd looks and some snickering before this when I have been out shopping and such, it doesnt happen often or nearly as bad as this instance,and I can usually blow it off with a smile and still feel ok.This was so blatant and obvious it could not be ignored very well.

Lucky for me these two were finishing up their meal and soon departed the restaurant without any further laughter, I did stare at them as they exited,no sooner did they leave the door,I started crying right in front of everyone else that was there. It felt like they took away everything I have worked for and just trashed it,and to top it off I was wearing my favorite outfit ,,,,,in pink of course.

And as the tears rolled down my cheeks I muttered to myself "I am going to get my surgery and you $!*#^@!*% wont be able to take it away."

I wiped up the tears and quickly stopped crying then and finished my time there in peace without further incident.

And for the most part I am ok and realize things like that are going to happen from time to time but until you actually go through it you dont know how you will take it.

The strange part also is that not so long ago the old me would not have suffered that and would have made a nasty scene those two would have wished they never met me afterwards. I did learn over the course of a lifetime how to be a first class alpha male with all the vile aggression you could ever expect.....the problem now is,,,, it isnt me.

This change has happened without my totally realizing it. Its like I am back to square one and starting all over again and I dont know how to act in certain situations anymore. I have a previous post about another situation I was in that I shied away from someone who really deserved to be told off, and now again I find myself not even saying anything to someone who clearly deserved some interaction.

As I write this I know I will recover and those two really didnt take everything away from me,but a reality check like that certainly doesnt help build confidence,it may help build my resolve to keep going despite people like that but the reality of my situation is crystal clear once again. I am still laughably ugly and have many miles of unforeseen struggle yet to go.

It kinda felt like I was a kid in school all over again,and there are few things in this world I hate more than my time in school.

Its been a little while since I shared and have made some great strides and some demoralizing set backs,BUT, I will carry on and do my best to not let other peoples feelings toward me weaken my already fragile feelings of feeling good about myself.

Brenda Hailey

[VickySGV]

Not much I can say other than UGH .

In my early CD days I went to a nightclub that was known as a Drag and TG site, and we did have young snots like your antagonist there drive by it on occasion and make life miserable for the girls. It is not how you look, you are not even a person to them.

If your avatar is halfway accurate, you are far from ugly so that was not a reason for what they did or how they made you feel. "They would terrorize lest they themselves become terrified." is a description of the ghosts on Hell's doorstep from an author whose name I will remember in another three hours (tomorrow morning) and that is a description of the person who would do what they did. They laughed at you so others could not laugh at them.

You know who you are now though, and that person is going to survive and LIVE while the other two will howl at the wind like a couple of coyotes.

[Guest Rose1993]

This is stupid. I dont mean your post, thats a legitamate, and often stressful, thing to post about. What is stupid is how that kid and his father reacted to you. And thats just what they are, stupid. Stupid people whos only means to feel good about themselves is to pick on others. Dont let anything they said or did undermine your confidence, stupid peoples opinions arent worth your time, or concern. You dont look like an ugly person at all, and if anyone thinks otherwise, they are the ugly ones, not you, they are ugly inside, and unlike people who ARE ugly on the outside, unlike yourself, they dont deserve respect if they wont give it to others. Even if someone IS ugly on the outside (as i said, you are not one of those people, however for the sake of making a point,) they still deserve respect, and that is the difference between them and people like the ones you had to deal with.

I find you beutiful, and dont let jerks like them tell you otherwise.

Hope you dont run into any more of those people any time soon!

Best wishes -Rose M

[Guest]

This is stupid. I dont mean your post, thats a legitamate, and often stressful, thing to post about. What is stupid is how that kid and his father reacted to you. And thats just what they are, stupid. Stupid people whos only means to feel good about themselves is to pick on others. Dont let anything they said or did undermine your confidence, stupid peoples opinions arent worth your time, or concern. You dont look like an ugly person at all, and if anyone thinks otherwise, they are the ugly ones, not you, they are ugly inside, and unlike people who ARE ugly on the outside, unlike yourself, they dont deserve respect if they wont give it to others. Even if someone IS ugly on the outside (as i said, you are not one of those people, however for the sake of making a point,) they still deserve respect, and that is the difference between them and people like the ones you had to deal with.

I find you beutiful, and dont let jerks like them tell you otherwise.

Hope you dont run into any more of those people any time soon!

Best wishes -Rose M

Strongly stated, yes. But honest. And honestly that stuff hurts. I pity the small minds and keep my distance, be safe kids. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

Brenda i do feel your pain. When i first went out it was to gay bars and i was drunk enough to not hear the comments and if i did i was still a 'tough' guy that could protect myself. It is so different now. I did small steps as you described. Each time i went out i gained confidence but like you i had setbacks. I would always feel it was somehow my fault, my inability to pass or my actions. Oddly i've been realizing that it is my character defects that allow me to dwell on that pain. It doesn't have to do with passing but on accepting that the pain comes from a loss of the feeling of self worth and perhaps security. As others have stated the comments from others come from ignorance and some lack of decency. I know that kind of person exists in the world. I've known that since i was a child being hurt in the school yard. I'm finally beginning to understand that i can't change them. I have also found that i have to live as me. I've got to simply let go of that fear and humiliation. Like a resentment it can distort my happiness, filling my mind with fear and hate. Instead of looking at them i have to look at myself and find a way to accept myself not an idea of what i want that self to be. I will never be the perfect woman but i can have fun as myself and the happier i am within the less the opinions of others mean. It is definitely a work in progress but i'm finding that confidence has moved me to a point that rarely is affected by how others see me. I am moving past being the victim.

Try to just go on and you will find the world opens for you. You have seen that and a few setbacks are simply a mirror to show you how far you've come.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Hugs Brenda,

Just realize that this mean boy will get his and that you won't be around to see it (who knows, perhaps a gift and you will).

Be strong, be you, and be happy.

Cyndi -

[Charlize]

Brenda i wanted to post this topic that came up for a meeting i attend on Skype Thursdays at 9:00 eastern. You may well find it interesting. I think it definitely applies to your situation and feelings. i know it is something i understand.

"some things in my recovery have taken longer to gain insight into & release than others. transition has been an incredible catelist for taking a deep look at the shame that has blocked me most of my life. when i connect with that energy i see it goes back to early childhood when feeling 'different' and feeling unsafe to show my differences left me feeling shame. all internal thinking & misperceptions! pride was false pride for years never the kind of pride that comes from gratitude. drinking gave me a false sense of pride as i tried to obliterate the feelings of shame with each drink. i felt guilty being me. appreciating myself wasnt even on the list of things to do. recently thanks to a non program book i am reading i was given insight into the shame i have carried in my life. i am adjusting my understanding of shame to see it "leads to self defeating, negative feelings & behaviours...& emotion behind self criticism,low self esteem & depression". with transition new levels of shame
have been born so i am grateful for the opportunity to shift this shame into a deeper appreciation of myself... and free myself further from the reasons to take the next drink."

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest KimberlyF]

I have an observation and then a question on your post.

"The strange part also is that not so long ago the old me would not have suffered that and would have made a nasty scene those two would have wished they never met me afterwards. I did learn over the course of a lifetime how to be a first class alpha male with all the vile aggression you could ever expect.....the problem now is,,,, it isnt me."

Now, you understand that over time, you have changed and this alpha male deal was just this social role that you slid into and didn't really reflect the real you. Is it possible that the two seated at the table arent dealing with the same issue? Especally the younger male, who's trying to impress the older male?

I agree with your last statement. The problem now isn't you. What you have to work on is to minimize other's impact on your happiness. This leads to the next...

" I muttered to myself "I am going to get my surgery and you $!*#^@!*% wont be able to take it away."

What difference would surgery have made in this situation? Lets say you were post-op and the exact same thing happened to you the next day. How would being post-op change their actions, and how you internalized their actions? What do you expect to gain from surgery?

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I have an observation and then a question on your post.

"The strange part also is that not so long ago the old me would not have suffered that and would have made a nasty scene those two would have wished they never met me afterwards. I did learn over the course of a lifetime how to be a first class alpha male with all the vile aggression you could ever expect.....the problem now is,,,, it isnt me."

Now, you understand that over time, you have changed and this alpha male deal was just this social role that you slid into and didn't really reflect the real you. Is it possible that the two seated at the table arent dealing with the same issue? Especally the younger male, who's trying to impress the older male?

I agree with your last statement. The problem now isn't you. What you have to work on is to minimize other's impact on your happiness. This leads to the next...

" I muttered to myself "I am going to get my surgery and you $!*#^@!*% wont be able to take it away."

What difference would surgery have made in this situation? Lets say you were post-op and the exact same thing happened to you the next day. How would being post-op change their actions, and how you internalized their actions? What do you expect to gain from surgery?

Yes it is possible they may have been somehow dealing with a deep seated issues themselves,but It does not oblige me to accept being mocked,for their sake.

Perhaps its a little Karma and a lessen to be learned about how I have rudely treated people in the past myself,who knows.

I am thankful I no longer feel aggression at all towards anyone in these situations,and hopefully with more experience I will find ways to better handle these situations for myself.

Had this happened again after surgery they would be laughing at an ugly woman,not an ugly woman with a penis. which "to me" is a more tolerable situation.

Yes I realize nobody can see weather or not I have one in the first place,but I know I have one,which in some sense I allowed to validate the laughter.

If you have a method for dealing with someone laughing in your face that possibly suffers the same trans issues then please elaborate on how you would fix the problem.

Growing a thick skin is an obvious solution.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Brenda i wanted to post this topic that came up for a meeting i attend on Skype Thursdays at 9:00 eastern. You may well find it interesting. I think it definitely applies to your situation and feelings. i know it is something i understand.

"some things in my recovery have taken longer to gain insight into & release than others. transition has been an incredible catelist for taking a deep look at the shame that has blocked me most of my life. when i connect with that energy i see it goes back to early childhood when feeling 'different' and feeling unsafe to show my differences left me feeling shame. all internal thinking & misperceptions! pride was false pride for years never the kind of pride that comes from gratitude. drinking gave me a false sense of pride as i tried to obliterate the feelings of shame with each drink. i felt guilty being me. appreciating myself wasnt even on the list of things to do. recently thanks to a non program book i am reading i was given insight into the shame i have carried in my life. i am adjusting my understanding of shame to see it "leads to self defeating, negative feelings & behaviours...& emotion behind self criticism,low self esteem & depression". with transition new levels of shame

have been born so i am grateful for the opportunity to shift this shame into a deeper appreciation of myself... and free myself further from the reasons to take the next drink."

Hugs,

Charlize

Yes Charlize my entire drinking career can be summed up by my desire to "obliterate" all the above mentioned feelings.

Feeling that pride is nice but hardto come by sometimes,and much more so when others dont want you to have it.

I will get past this this incident and keep moving on, drinking over it is not even a consideration,there are other ways to deal with this stuff, I just have to find them.

[Cyndee]

Argent - Hold your head up

That's the vibe....

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Thank you everyone for replying and being encouraging.

I know I still have a long ways to go and this isnt going to be the last time something like this may happen.

Hopefully in the future I wont allow others to dictate my self worth,and I can still feel good about myself.

My resolve is not shaken,it is going to take a lot more than laughing at me to break me.

[Guest Rose1993]

Good for you! Stay strong!

-Rose M

[Drea]

Had this happened again after surgery they would be laughing at an ugly woman,not an ugly woman with a penis. which "to me" is a more tolerable situation.

Yes I realize nobody can see weather or not I have one in the first place,but I know I have one,which in some sense I allowed to validate the laughter.

I really had nothing to add, but this treads upon ground I have seen similar expressions before.

To your credit you recognize that it is internal to you that in a way validated their action. In a way victimizing yourself.

It is however something that can be overcome and best done prior to surgery. This is about your feelings and your sense of empowerment and how you think.

I seen people go into SRS believe surgery will someone solve or make such a problem less. I even know of a couple who have confronted the person doing such a thing explaining that they had surgery as if that somehow makes it better in the other person's mind.

If you have a method for dealing with someone laughing in your face that possibly suffers the same trans issues then please elaborate on how you would fix the problem.

Growing a thick skin is an obvious solution.

A thin skin... what I rather suggest improving is self esteem...with self esteem such external invalidations become meaningless and external validations no longer are necessary. I don't have any cookie cutter way to solve that, but a start is by empowering oneself rather than victimizing oneself (like I mention above).

There are a bunch of potential actions in such a situation:

Ignore them - this is perhaps the easiest (and reaction they most likely expect) and if it doesn't carry any hurt or you can get a laugh at them that is good, but if you are left feeling hurt it tends to be dis-empowering.

Give them even more to laugh at - I've known people who in response to such would act really strange to draw attention to the fact that the other person's snickering was noticed. I suppose this could be mildly empowering. Not something I think I would do personally, but...

Confront them - this would be more a direct response in a confrontational fashion and could range from saying "what are you laughing at" (again drawing attention that you notice), or challenging their actions, or getting a manager involved if warranted. Again this could involve a level or empowering because it involves acting for you. The issue I see is that this is a negative interaction and...well it comes from a mindset of being a victim which is not the mindset of someone empowered.

Engage them positively - this is perhaps the most difficult to do and requires some creative thought. It also in my view the most empowering and much more likely to have positive results all around. Oh it may leave them shocked, has potential to escalate, but even if it only cajoles them into silence you come away with having spoken for yourself.

So how can you engage someone. Going back a long time a friend was telling me of a situation where she and a few other trans women were in the city and a group of teens were walking the other way and had taken note of them and were obviously joking and making remarks. As they got closer one of the women she was with took a couple steps forward toward the teens looking at their dog and saying how cute a dog it is and asking what kind it is. That totally deflated the situation.

I once in response to some behind my back comments turned around and walked up to the person, smiled and said "did you have a question?" which resulted in a humma humma humma till he finally spit it out, I answered truthfully, said yes I understand it is pretty weird but hey its no big deal. That got his friends laughing at him.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Had this happened again after surgery they would be laughing at an ugly woman,not an ugly woman with a penis. which "to me" is a more tolerable situation.

Yes I realize nobody can see weather or not I have one in the first place,but I know I have one,which in some sense I allowed to validate the laughter.

I really had nothing to add, but this treads upon ground I have seen similar expressions before.

To your credit you recognize that it is internal to you that in a way validated their action. In a way victimizing yourself.

It is however something that can be overcome and best done prior to surgery. This is about your feelings and your sense of empowerment and how you think.

I seen people go into SRS believe surgery will someone solve or make such a problem less. I even know of a couple who have confronted the person doing such a thing explaining that they had surgery as if that somehow makes it better in the other person's mind.

If you have a method for dealing with someone laughing in your face that possibly suffers the same trans issues then please elaborate on how you would fix the problem.

Growing a thick skin is an obvious solution.

A thin skin... what I rather suggest improving is self esteem...with self esteem such external invalidations become meaningless and external validations no longer are necessary. I don't have any cookie cutter way to solve that, but a start is by empowering oneself rather than victimizing oneself (like I mention above).

There are a bunch of potential actions in such a situation:

Ignore them - this is perhaps the easiest (and reaction they most likely expect) and if it doesn't carry any hurt or you can get a laugh at them that is good, but if you are left feeling hurt it tends to be dis-empowering.

Give them even more to laugh at - I've known people who in response to such would act really strange to draw attention to the fact that the other person's snickering was noticed. I suppose this could be mildly empowering. Not something I think I would do personally, but...

Confront them - this would be more a direct response in a confrontational fashion and could range from saying "what are you laughing at" (again drawing attention that you notice), or challenging their actions, or getting a manager involved if warranted. Again this could involve a level or empowering because it involves acting for you. The issue I see is that this is a negative interaction and...well it comes from a mindset of being a victim which is not the mindset of someone empowered.

Engage them positively - this is perhaps the most difficult to do and requires some creative thought. It also in my view the most empowering and much more likely to have positive results all around. Oh it may leave them shocked, has potential to escalate, but even if it only cajoles them into silence you come away with having spoken for yourself.

So how can you engage someone. Going back a long time a friend was telling me of a situation where she and a few other trans women were in the city and a group of teens were walking the other way and had taken note of them and were obviously joking and making remarks. As they got closer one of the women she was with took a couple steps forward toward the teens looking at their dog and saying how cute a dog it is and asking what kind it is. That totally deflated the situation.

I once in response to some behind my back comments turned around and walked up to the person, smiled and said "did you have a question?" which resulted in a humma humma humma till he finally spit it out, I answered truthfully, said yes I understand it is pretty weird but hey its no big deal. That got his friends laughing at him.

I had/have absolutely no intentions of telling the duo or anyone in the future that I have had surgery to diffuse a situation like that. The comment was said to myself and meant for myself.

Granted I stupidly allowed them to take my womanhood away at that moment,and assumed I would have felt better about myself had I been progressed to the point I want to be.

I wasnt using the thought of surgery as a validation for them it was for myself.

I realize I have a long way to go and certainly dont have all the answers for every potential situation I may find myself in. I did the best I could do at that moment by crying,giving in,and not escalating the situation any further. Sure it may be considered a failure but it was certainly a better response then they would have got a couple years ago.

I shared because it hurt as it would have anyone else.

Drea , thank you for all the suggestions, I have been going over ways I could have handled that better.

I have been operating my life on a series of canned responses that I am no longer operating on,and I was taken off guard without an experienced process for dealing with this of my own.

I am a work in progress, with one more experience behind me now.

It didnt stop me from smiling in the mirror this morning and It didnt stop me from going to work today dressed how I wanted to be and thinking if all they can do is laugh like that, then I can be bigger than that in my heart.

As mentioned before the old me would have gone over there and told him to F off right in his face seeing how badly he would want to fight,an action I always regretted more than just crying and letting it go.It always strikes me how different old pretend me and real me actually are,but I am doing the best I can.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I have an observation and then a question on your post.

"The strange part also is that not so long ago the old me would not have suffered that and would have made a nasty scene those two would have wished they never met me afterwards. I did learn over the course of a lifetime how to be a first class alpha male with all the vile aggression you could ever expect.....the problem now is,,,, it isnt me."

Now, you understand that over time, you have changed and this alpha male deal was just this social role that you slid into and didn't really reflect the real you. Is it possible that the two seated at the table arent dealing with the same issue? Especally the younger male, who's trying to impress the older male?

I agree with your last statement. The problem now isn't you. What you have to work on is to minimize other's impact on your happiness. This leads to the next...

" I muttered to myself "I am going to get my surgery and you $!*#^@!*% wont be able to take it away."

What difference would surgery have made in this situation? Lets say you were post-op and the exact same thing happened to you the next day. How would being post-op change their actions, and how you internalized their actions? What do you expect to gain from surgery?

I gave some more thought to what you said about the young one possibly doing that because of his own personal issue and maybe he laughed because like me did not want to face what was the truth about ones self. I can take solace and be a lot more forgiving in that thought.

If indeed the young one did this out of his own despair he was sill forced to witness the reality of it by seeing me there, and possibly inching him closer to his own reality by default.

However I still have a difficult time assuming everyone who would laugh at me is suffering this problem.

I can see in my own example why it was I was such a jerk to people so in a way I can understand it through that lens.

I guess I have to work out now that even if the laughter does have another different reason attached to it, it is still their reason not mine. I was brave enough to be there dealing with my issue and should never let someone else not brave enough to deal with theirs interfere with that.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Argent - Hold your head up

That's the vibe....

Yes, this song has been stuck in my head all day today.

Really quite perfect for the moment.

Funny how music has this different flavor to it for me now.

In the past it was nothing more than background noise and I never took the time to actually listen to it....

[Drea]

I did not intend to mean you had failed in any way.

Life is full of decisions we need to make on the spot and there are so many any of us think in hindsight we might have done better, and I know there are some I think in hindsight were cringe worthy.

The one anecdote I mentioned of an action I took was a personal turning point. One that took swallowing my stomach that threatened to rise when I took that turn to walk back to the person, to keep calm, position and interact with.

At the other extreme, I've had an event where I had to class the police.

I am about taking responsibility for ourselves, for our own feelings as well as respecting others [and I am sure there are peeps who are thinking "huh" at the moment over that statement]. And that means using discretion when called for and not imposing myself on others for no reason other than my own personal validation.