Out to my best friend after 35 years. Will our dynamic change?

[Guest Kaylee]

Hello everyone!

Last night I came out to my best friend of 35 years that I was Transsexual. Fortunate for me, I didn't have to explain to him what that means. He would fall under the term "Transgender" ... being a Crossdresser himself. That made it a little easier... but I was still really nervous, because I worry it will change our dynamic! (He's always been the Jay... to my Silent Bob") I'd prepared this semi long... quasi speech that I was gonna give him... throw in a joke.. then tell him. I've always been pretty closed off from talking about sex and gender with anyone. I also don't have a long list of sexual "conquests"... never got that about guys.

I had put a lot of thought about how to tell him over the last week... but just kinda blurted it out after making sure there were no prying ears.... and after pounding a few cocktails. I wasn't concerned he would be upset... or reject our friendship... but I WAS concerned that... this changes our dynamic. We're friends... but won't be "buddies" in the same way. If anyone can tell me if things changed.... or how... with their best guy friend, I'd really appreciate the input!

He was surprised.... but ...not... SURPRISED... if that makes any sense. He understood the dressing (because we have that in common)..... but seems to be having a little trouble wrapping his head around me having SRS. He gets pleasure "down there"... and would never want to change that. It's not that I don't get the same pleasure at times.... and I am certainly concerned with surgery in that respect.... but still want it very much!

After analyzing it for a few minutes... he mentioned that I.... see sex "differently" than he does.... and seemed to be putting things together in his head (just like I have in the last few months)....He was also surprised because... well, in all the years he's known me..... I have never hinted at being anything more than a crossdresser! (My therapist has also mentioned that I'm a little tight lip'd).

It was good.... he said he supports me, and we discussed some of the other details. I expect he'll have some more questions at a later time, but for now it's all good!

At the same time... the response from his girlfriend (who I am close with).. was uncertainty that this was a rational choice I was making. I guess she's worried that it may be issues with my Father recently passing... and she made mention of me making decisions in the past where I have "shot myself in the foot". When I asked her to elaborate... she couldn't pull it together enough to do so. What I got from the conversation was that... because she sees me as smart, she feels that I have not lived up to my potential... that I've wasted my life. I confess... I am the dreamer type. Never wanted to work for the MAN... even though I do now. I faught it a long time though, and suffered from Starving Artist syndrome for many years... and that's ok, it's part of who I am. I've never sought money, I've always just wanted a job that I loved.... and could make a decent living at. While she's not shallow... her goal in life is to have money for security.... which is certainly not MY goal in life. I may see her concern, had I only been dealing with this for the last few months... and not the last 20 years. I guess it's pretty hard for someone on the outside to understand.

Until this point in my life... I have lived to some extent for others, doing what it seemed I should, acting the part of the Alpha male... large and in charge. I forced myself to play that role... just to survive! Now... I'm tired of it, the mask, the facade... however you best relate!

I find it entertaining that now that I have decided to simply be happy with me and transition like I should have years ago, that someone would worry I am making a bad choice.... not for the act of transitioning..... but for simply being me!

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, and I know they love me and are a little worried.... but I'm done living by the ideals and rules of others! I finally see a future where I feel comfortable with my life... comfortable in my skin. I've only just begun and I am Sooo much happier realizing this is where my life is going, and there's no way I'll remain stagnant holding pattern ever again!

Kaylee

[Ravin]

I came out to my best childhood friend last month. So far, not much has changed between us. But then, I have a history of doing things that are far out beyond her experience and make her push boundaries to try and understand me, so in that respect, it's nothing new. She also said it makes a lot of things about me make sense (similarly to how my family of origin reacted), but was more willing to ask nosy questions than my family.

[Charlize]

I have dear friends who barely batted an eye. A few questions ,some moment of surprise but all have remained my close friends. I guess after 30 or 40 years we care less about appearance than interiors. I would hope your friend will come to accept and understand your need to be true to yourself.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest sydney]

Most of my close friends were not that surprised. They knew I was different and many (especially my female friends) always thought of me as lesbian trapped in a male body prior to HRT. Now they say I'm just me being me.

[Carolyn Marie]

Kaylee, I am very impressed by your thought processes and attitudes expressed here. You really seem to have a good mind about what you're getting yourself into, and how it might effect you. That is something not always realized by those in the middle of it.

You're friends seem pretty solidly in your camp, hon. That is a very good thing. I think your changes probably will change the dynamic to some degree. Your friends were buddies with a man (or so they thought), and being buddies with a woman is never the same thing. I go through that with my friends, whom I've known since high school. They treat me fine, never spoke a word in opposition to what I was planning to do, and have been supportive. But our relationship is not the same; how could it be?

For example, my closest friend and I used to go to concerts or movies or museums together. We have always had much in common. It was just two friends hanging out and enjoying each others company. But if I do those things with him now (and I have), it becomes a man and a woman hanging out together, as seen by others, and as we see ourselves. It just isn't the same thing. There is a very slight tension to it that didn't exist before, a conscious awareness of how we may be perceived. There is now a slight awkwardness to our talks, and interactions. There is also an underlying issue that I won't discuss in a public forum.

So the short answer is, anything is possible, and everyone is different, but if I were betting, I would bet that the dynamics between you and your friends will change to some degree.

Life can be an interesting journey, hon. Hang on to the reigns.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kaylee]

Thanks Carolyn,

I know... things will be a bit different, I really appreciate the feed back. I was actually reading "She's not there, A life in two genders" by Jennifer Boylan. She was was recounting an evening out with an old friend where to some extent he felt like he was just sitting having a drink with his buddy... until the waitress asked " would you like another one miss" and her friend started to think about people preceiving them as on a date.

I got together with my friend and his girlfriend again tonight for Dinner and drinks. They asked a few more questions. It feels a little askew... but it's still a pretty new topic. I try to lighten it up by making jokes.... just hoping I don't make things weird at the same time.

Thanks again everyone for the input. I tell my Sister this week!

Huggs!

Kaylee

[Guest NatashaJade]

Coming out does change things, even with our closest and dearest friends. How can it not? We are sharing that we are not the person they have always believed us to be in a fundamental way and there will be a period of doubt and questioning on their part before they accept our truth.

And then our friends will relate to us the way they relate to friends of the same or opposite sex.

It doesn't change the love for one another, though. If that love is strong, it will win the day. My best man drove me to Montreal from New Hampshire for my surgery and returned to pick me up when I had recovered. He'll always be one of my very best friends and being trans hasn't changed it. But it took some time.

Be patient with the people in your life and remember that it probably wasn't easy for you to accept and it probably took you a long time. Give them a chance to work out their feelings and don't punish them for not jumping right on your bandwagon if they don't.

Tasha