Living in 2 worlds at the same time, one complete female and one complete male

[Guest JenniferYoon]

OK, this is me, Steffi:

Mondays to Fridays (7am to 6pm): I am a Female named Steffi. No one in this world knows that I was born with the label 'Male'. In other words, to everyone in this world, I am a female and I was born a female.

Week nights and weekend: I am a male and no one in this world knows that I live as Steffi in my other world, except my loving wife of 31 years.

I just hate the label ‘Male’, I hate people calling me ‘sir’, I hate to see my male body in the mirror, I hate to not being able to cry when I feel like it, I hate everything that associated with being a man, I don’t like to live as a man!

I am very good in making myself happy with what I have and what I don’t have, as I believe that life is too short to be miserable. So, am I happy now? you bet! But what about the future, not sure. I hope that I can still manage well with what will happen, and I sincerely hope that I can share my journey with, and can get the supports from, friends in these forums going forward.

I have many things to share with you but just don’t wish to write a long introduction, so please feel free to ask any questions.

As Steffi, I don’t think that I am pretty but not ugly either. I have a pleasent personality and have many friends. I am very petite, only 5 ft and 103 lbs, my voice sounds like female, and have female mannerism. I dress classy but appropriately. I have received numerous compliment from my friends about my attires and my slim body. That’s why I pass as a female 100% for the last 20 years. I am lucky that I did well in my career which allows me to retire early (10 years ago), so I have been enjoying myself as Steffi in my leisure activities every weekdays. I play bowling 4 times a week, twice in ladies leagues and twice in mixed leagues. I teach dancing 3 times a week, I play pool 3 or 4 time a week, I also hike, run, play tennis, hangout with friends, shopping during other time. I participate in all these activities as Steffi, and I am extremely happy because I am living my life as my true self.

As the other person in the other world, i.e., my male world, dispite the fact that I hate living as a man, I am happy too. My worry is that how long can I last to continue living in these 2 seperate world. In this world, I am married to my wife of 31 years, have 2 perfect (in the eyes of their loving parents, haha) grown up children. My children do not know about Steffi at all. I told my wife about Steffi 3 years ago, she is still not accepting Steffi but she allows Steffi to enjoy her life during the weekdays while she (my wife) is at work. She wants Steffi to be happy but she doesn’t want Steffi to get into her life. That’s my only problem in my happy worlds, and it’s a big one! I know she loves me, and I love her too, that’s why I cannot take the easy way out - leave her! I take her to, and pick her from, the train station on weekdays. Prepare her breakfast and dinner like a housewife, we spend the evenings watching tv, spend time with my son and grand kid on weekends, take vacations and visit my daughter in the west coast a few times a year. She has been paying for all household expenses, dinning out, vacations and my medical willingly. Though financially I can afford them but to her, since she’s working and I have already retired, she should be paying. She doesn’t want me to draw on my savings.

You see, I am also happy in my male world, but I am missing the most important thing, being my true self. I look forward to Monday on every weekend as I miss Steffi so much. On our vacations, I started counting days of my return even the vacations started. Not that I don’t like to be with my wife, but I really miss being Steffi. This is my dilemma!

Though I have many good friends in both my female and male worlds, I have NO FRIENDS at all who knows me in both worlds, that’s why I am here to share my life and to get supports, thank you all in advance.

Please note that I have tried to do the same thing in another website 2 years ago, I had told my situation and had received very bad experience. The readers there accused me about creating a fiction to fool them, they didn’t thrust my situation. I hope the history doesn’t repeat itself here.

Thanks again!

Steffi

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi Steffi,

I certainly do not distrust your story. I live one that is very similar to yours so I relate so well to many of the things you talk about.

Mine is a little reversed in that I spend from 8 am to 5 pm in a world that sees me as male and from 5 to midnight and on weekends totally me. No one knows about my two worlds either.

I guess where I might differ, and maybe not, is that even during the day I see myself as Faith. Probably like you, if I for some reason loose sight of that I get really down really quickly.

I will be with my therapist again in 12 days and what I hope to focus on is; is it going to be possible for me to continue in what you call two worlds or am I going to have to try to merge them at some point? Like you, I'm finding it harder and harder to spend even a portion of the day in a body I dislike so much. Hopefully he will help me find some ways to deal with things.

I expect I'll do what will make me happiest in the end. That may not be merging the worlds though. I also have people that I am trying desperately to protect. I can't imagine me being happy if they are hurt.

I am not sure where things will end up. Hopefully both of us can find happiness and maybe it won't be complete happiness but some portion thereof that makes things bearable and even enjoyable. The more senior members here can probably talk to that better than I.

All the best - Faith

[Guest]

Hi Steffi,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

Yes, your story is possibly difficult for some to believe. I, for one, couldn't continue living two lives, and had to set on the course of transition. But, I also know that you're not the only one to be able to live on both sides of the gender divide.

The main thing that all of us are seeking is peace within ourselves. And, if you're able to do that, there's no reason to look beyond where you are now. And, you're right... There is a balance, that transition might be better in some ways, but not in others. That's your decision to make.

I do hope that you can stay around, see what others are up to, and join in! All the best to you!

Love, Megan

[Guest So-kool]

This also sounds similar to my own dilema in many ways. I have been trying to get my wife to accept my fem side and although she may buy "her" something now and then I still feel we have a long way to go before she ever even thinks about seeing me dressed in person. She has seen only one picture of my fem side and refuses

To see any more.

I am out to 2 accepting people that know me also as male but have not spent time en femme with either as of yet. However, I am fairly certain that will end soon.

No other family know about fem side.

Still must present male at work and not sure how to work this out without switching jobs if possible.

I have only been out to my wife (of 13 yrs.) (but together for 20 yrs.) for about a year.

So in the short time she has known my secret, she has made great strides, much bigger than I ever expected before I told her.

But now I must say I hate that I constantly try to push her to except more and more! We NEVER fought before and now we have at least 3 fights a week. But I cant help it! My fem inside builds up and I cant hold it in and I do or say something to make my wifes emotions spiral out of control and we get to making break up / divorce plans and who is sleeping where. Etc.

so far we have rebounded and resolved to give tomorrow another chance on every occaision by the time we went to sleep. Talk about roller coaster rides!!!!

My male and female side have friends and male life is fine in many ways.

Female life is growing in many ways and I would certainly be living full time female if not for losing my wife! So this is why she tells me to go live my life but to do so without her would feel empty and pointless and very sad.

I hate the constant puuling in different directions.

Why cant she just get it through her head that we will be so much happier together and live happy ever after if she can accept and love me as a woman. ?!!! Well, at least that is what I want!

What does she want? To be married to a MAN !

There lies the dilema! So instead of going one way or the other I end up in this endless pergatory of ups and downs! It maddening .

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Steffi. It is a very interesting story you told. I have no reason to disbelieve you. I have heard stranger stories. People will believe or not believe, depending on their world view or experiences or philosophy. You can't win them all, so they say.

We'll do our best to offer support and friendship and information. I have no advice to give at the moment, and I don't think you were asking for advice, anyway.

Please feel free to post comments or questions in any forum, and we will answer as best we can. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. A link can be found at the lower right of every page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[tracy_j]

Hi Steffi

I can understand about your two seperate lives. It does seem somewhat unusual but if you are now retired then you do not have a work identity to worry about. The biggest thing I am surprised at is that you have not come across someone you know as your other self. I suppose that depends somewhat on your social geography!

I, roughly speaking, have three separate lives. The main one known by most people being male (usually feminisied with light makeup when out), my ideal as androgyne (dressed very feminine) known by many but less than fully male and fully female which does not happen very often at the moment and is known only by a few work friends. When female I tend to be far away from home as most people who know me well would recognise me, especially by my hair. I have been spotted in my androgyne attire which gets mixed reactions but I can usually cope. I have no fear of shame to be found female but there are obvious reactions which would not be predictable. Although my ideal is somewhere in the middle and very feminine is where I see myself I am realising that it may be the hardest to live as most only recognise binary states. At the moment it means striking a balance which is hard. Generally, in comparision to many I think locally there is tolerance of the way I dress so it could work. That said, in other areas of the country I have had unpredictable reactions so I now think far more about where I am going and when. I think to be fully female would disrupt my life totally. I could not predict whether it would be better or worse. I suspect generally the same but different.

Tracy

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Steffi. My life was similar to yours in many ways with several exceptions. I didn't pass as well to start and i didn't tell my wife hoe much being female meant to me.

I was successful for years(63 when i came out). I would be female whenever i wasn't with my family or in a situation they would know about. i did the shopping and many of our chores as a female and changed when i got home. For me it became exhausting and after reading and sharing here i went to a gender therapist(GT) and eventually went full time. My family has been better than i would have thought. My wife has accepted despite her wishing it was different. My time with a GT helped me to bring them and myself around to accepting what i had known most of my life. All of our paths and situations are different but please know you are not alone as you have already read.

I am also happy to see another Jersey girl! There are only a few of here at Laura's and it's good to know folks in the garden state.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest JenniferYoon]

Hi Steffi,

I certainly do not distrust your story. I live one that is very similar to yours so I relate so well to many of the things you talk about.

Mine is a little reversed in that I spend from 8 am to 5 pm in a world that sees me as male and from 5 to midnight and on weekends totally me. No one knows about my two worlds either.

I guess where I might differ, and maybe not, is that even during the day I see myself as Faith. Probably like you, if I for some reason loose sight of that I get really down really quickly.

I will be with my therapist again in 12 days and what I hope to focus on is; is it going to be possible for me to continue in what you call two worlds or am I going to have to try to merge them at some point? Like you, I'm finding it harder and harder to spend even a portion of the day in a body I dislike so much. Hopefully he will help me find some ways to deal with things.

I expect I'll do what will make me happiest in the end. That may not be merging the worlds though. I also have people that I am trying desperately to protect. I can't imagine me being happy if they are hurt.

I am not sure where things will end up. Hopefully both of us can find happiness and maybe it won't be complete happiness but some portion thereof that makes things bearable and even enjoyable. The more senior members here can probably talk to that better than I.

All the best - Faith

Hi Faith,

Thanks for your response. I am currently happy (with some sacrifices) but just don't know long can the situation last. Lets share our experiences going forward.

[Guest JenniferYoon]

Hi Steffi,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

Yes, your story is possibly difficult for some to believe. I, for one, couldn't continue living two lives, and had to set on the course of transition. But, I also know that you're not the only one to be able to live on both sides of the gender divide.

The main thing that all of us are seeking is peace within ourselves. And, if you're able to do that, there's no reason to look beyond where you are now. And, you're right... There is a balance, that transition might be better in some ways, but not in others. That's your decision to make.

I do hope that you can stay around, see what others are up to, and join in! All the best to you!

Love, Megan

Hi Megan,

Thanks for your welcome message.

Given a choice, I would transition without hesitation but my biggest concern is my wife and 2 children. They are living their life happily and it will be a big decision for me to bring Steffi into their life, especially for my wife. So I settle with my current 2 worlds situation and let nature takes its cause. Meanwhile, I am enjoying life as Steffi 5 days a week, not bad.

One critical point is that in Steffi's world, she is a female and she cannot accept it if people one day find out that she is not a female by birth. Steffi does not want to just present as a female from the outside, she wants to really feel that she is also a female in her mind too. To her, the only way to achieve this is for everyone in Steffi's world takes her as a complete female. So if one day Steffi is 'read', Steffi will also be disappeared. And I will only left with one world, the male world, which I hate... I just don't know what I will do then...

Steffi

[Guest Faith gibson]

I'd love to speak with you about our experiences and moving forward, Steffi. Anytime .

Best,

Faith

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Steffi,

Welcome to Laura's!

I agree with our friends, no reason to doubt the veracity of your own story.

Please relax and be yourself here.

I surely understand people can, and sometimes do, live two very different lives at the same time.

I know it gets tiring. I know it starts to feel like it's impossible for each persona to survive, ultimately. I know this adds to pre-existing conflicts and can become increasingly stressful.

Within your own account, above, you express knowing you will have difficulty choosing which persona/identity survives, if it ever comes to the point of having to choose just one. I also understand that the disappearance of Steffi feels very much like death to you, in a very big way, as you enjoy living as Steffi more than living without the freedom to live as Steffi. I can feel just how much you truly enjoy your life as Steffi.

You are in a tough situation.

I hope we can support you and assist you in any way you find truly helpful and healthy.

Please make yourself at home here. Welcome to the LP family!

Warmly,

Brad

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Steffi,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest JenniferYoon]

This also sounds similar to my own dilema in many ways. I have been trying to get my wife to accept my fem side and although she may buy "her" something now and then I still feel we have a long way to go before she ever even thinks about seeing me dressed in person. She has seen only one picture of my fem side and refuses

To see any more.

I am out to 2 accepting people that know me also as male but have not spent time en femme with either as of yet. However, I am fairly certain that will end soon.

No other family know about fem side.

Still must present male at work and not sure how to work this out without switching jobs if possible.

I have only been out to my wife (of 13 yrs.) (but together for 20 yrs.) for about a year.

So in the short time she has known my secret, she has made great strides, much bigger than I ever expected before I told her.

But now I must say I hate that I constantly try to push her to except more and more! We NEVER fought before and now we have at least 3 fights a week. But I cant help it! My fem inside builds up and I cant hold it in and I do or say something to make my wifes emotions spiral out of control and we get to making break up / divorce plans and who is sleeping where. Etc.

so far we have rebounded and resolved to give tomorrow another chance on every occaision by the time we went to sleep. Talk about roller coaster rides!!!!

My male and female side have friends and male life is fine in many ways.

Female life is growing in many ways and I would certainly be living full time female if not for losing my wife! So this is why she tells me to go live my life but to do so without her would feel empty and pointless and very sad.

I hate the constant puuling in different directions.

Why cant she just get it through her head that we will be so much happier together and live happy ever after if she can accept and love me as a woman. ?!!! Well, at least that is what I want!

What does she want? To be married to a MAN !

There lies the dilema! So instead of going one way or the other I end up in this endless pergatory of ups and downs! It maddening .

Hi there,

Our situations sound so similar with regards to our wives, we both love our wives so much that it's so difficult for us to move on without them. I think time will help the situation as my wife has changed a lot for the better despite the fact that she is still not accepting. So just be patient with your wife and don't push her too hard. One good thing is that you and your wife are communicating.

Steffi

[Guest JenniferYoon]

Hi Steffi,

Welcome to Laura's!

I agree with our friends, no reason to doubt the veracity of your own story.

Please relax and be yourself here.

I surely understand people can, and sometimes do, live two very different lives at the same time.

I know it gets tiring. I know it starts to feel like it's impossible for each persona to survive, ultimately. I know this adds to pre-existing conflicts and can become increasingly stressful.

Within your own account, above, you express knowing you will have difficulty choosing which persona/identity survives, if it ever comes to the point of having to choose just one. I also understand that the disappearance of Steffi feels very much like death to you, in a very big way, as you enjoy living as Steffi more than living without the freedom to live as Steffi. I can feel just how much you truly enjoy your life as Steffi.

You are in a tough situation.

I hope we can support you and assist you in any way you find truly helpful and healthy.

Please make yourself at home here. Welcome to the LP family!

Warmly,

Brad

Hi Brad,

Thanks for your loving message.

Yes, I am in a very tough situation. However, I am not miserable, I am enjoying my life everyday and taking the approach of 'let nature takes its cause'. Life is too short not to enjoy. I know one day things will change, either for the better or for the worst, but why worry? Just enjoy life to its fullest for the time being.

Today is mothers' day, Steffi has received many Happy Mothers' Day wishes from many of her friends. FYI, in Steffi world, she is a mother of 2 loving children and have a loving husband. I refer my wife as my husband in Steffi's world. This is the my only 'lie' in Steffi's friends, otherwise, all they know about Steffi are true.

Steffi

[Guest JenniferYoon]

Welcome to Laura's Steffi. My life was similar to yours in many ways with several exceptions. I didn't pass as well to start and i didn't tell my wife hoe much being female meant to me.

I was successful for years(63 when i came out). I would be female whenever i wasn't with my family or in a situation they would know about. i did the shopping and many of our chores as a female and changed when i got home. For me it became exhausting and after reading and sharing here i went to a gender therapist(GT) and eventually went full time. My family has been better than i would have thought. My wife has accepted despite her wishing it was different. My time with a GT helped me to bring them and myself around to accepting what i had known most of my life. All of our paths and situations are different but please know you are not alone as you have already read.

I am also happy to see another Jersey girl! There are only a few of here at Laura's and it's good to know folks in the garden state.

Hugs,

Charlize

Hi Charlize,

Nice to know you are from Jersey too, so close. You are so brave and lucky that you can go full time, how I wish that I could do it! I have seen a gender therapist who is also a medical doctor 2 years ago, and started taking anti-androgens for about a month, as I was going to inject estrogens, I told my wife about this. She was very concerned about the side effects of HRT and I stopped my HRT because of her.

I think, after this instance, she realized that my wanting to live as Steffi is serious, she has changed her attitude somehow but she is still not accepting.

Steffi

[Charlize]

I am not at all surprised that she doesn't accept your female side. I had been married 41 years when i went full time. She said i could dress at home because she didn't know i was myself everywhere but home. It took time and i was afraid i would loose her but with all we have been through as a couple we have made it for a couple of more years now. my son was harder. He was 38 and couldn't look at me for several months but slowly he's come around. The grandkids renamed me Grandee a week later and at 3 and 5 that have mostly forgotten that i've ever been anything other than female. Give it all time and try to relax as well as you can. i know that is terribly hard but often small chances at being ourselves can provide some comfort. Best with all and know you are not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Steffi. I know the dilemma you have because I have dealt with it. My wife and son accept me as Gennee. I haven't told my brother and sister. I dress more as a female nowadays. It was a process but now I'm comfortable with where I am now.

[Guest JenniferYoon]

I am not at all surprised that she doesn't accept your female side. I had been married 41 years when i went full time. She said i could dress at home because she didn't know i was myself everywhere but home. It took time and i was afraid i would loose her but with all we have been through as a couple we have made it for a couple of more years now. my son was harder. He was 38 and couldn't look at me for several months but slowly he's come around. The grandkids renamed me Grandee a week later and at 3 and 5 that have mostly forgotten that i've ever been anything other than female. Give it all time and try to relax as well as you can. i know that is terribly hard but often small chances at being ourselves can provide some comfort. Best with all and know you are not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

I can say that my wife is accepting and is also not accepting, sounds confusing? Sure it does.

She is accepting because she knows that I am out as Steffi all day from Monday to Friday, she knows that I teach dance classes, play bowling, play pool, hiking, shopping, hang out with friends, etc., as Steffi. She accepts these as she said that this is who I am. In fact, she said that she worries about me getting into troubles while presenting as Steffi. (She doesn't believe that Steffi has never been 'read' as a born male, too bad she has never met Steffi to see for herself).

However, she is not accepting in that she has made it cleared that she doesn't want to meet Steffi. And I respect her point and therefore she has never met Steffi, I don't even mention Steffi at all in front of her. I know that this is not good because, as a couples, we are not communicating. I just let nature takes its cause.

Jennifer

[Charlize]

That sounds quite difficult. I know with my son when i told him he said i was brave to tell him. When i said would you care to see me as a woman he said an emphatic "No". When i went full time he just couldn't or wouldn't look at me. it was quite awkward as he lives on our farm in the old family house.

My wife also knew but she wanted nothing to do with that side of me just as your wife seem to be saying. i finally got her to go to the mall with me to get my ears pierced on my birthday. it was a first step and slowly we have adjusted to a new life to some extent. I'm still me as you well know we don't really change but our appearances do and to some extent our body language changes as well.

Pity she hasn't met you and that you have to go through the change you are going through. It does sound like you have an active life to enjoy. I'm sure it would be fun to have your wife along as well.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest denise_w]

Hi Steffi, Denise here (another Jersey girl)...I just want to add that I too struggle with walking the binary line between the gender extremes. I don't appear to be nearly as far along in the processs as you are (or any of the other respondents), but I want you to know that I'm here to be your friend (in either world) and to help in any way I can. Please feel free to PM me anytime. I live in Monmouth County on the Bayshore.

Hugs,

Denise

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Steffi:

I'm arriving to the party a little late. When the phrase between a rock and a hard place came about, they must have been thinking about you. I can't imagine how hard it is to live two lives. Actually I can. Many of us did that for years because we knew we were one gender, yet had to pretend to be the other.

It's going to continue to eat away at you. Do you have a good gender therapist? They can be invaluable in sorting things out in such a way to mitigate the damage in your life. Anyway, welcome to Laura's and I hope to enjoy learning more about you. BTW, I'm Kathryn.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi.

Steffi,

Come into my world and ill show you how its done you talk about male and female being separate in my world they are one allways was and allways will be for myself there is no male or female, that's the bedrock. and it cant be changed no matter what,

when people understand and I have a hard time with quite a few and I get into strife , not my many friends because most know me quite well and iv told many 100,s I wont go into details as it does not matter, just to say ,im 67 and been this way from conception and I live life to the fullest im accepted as a normal female in almost every aspect of my life with a few details amiss , The bottom line is we can live as I do and be accepted,

people see in me a male side and a female side what they cant do is separate one from the other ,

Clothes it makes little difference what I wear or the adornments , what I do is much the same no matter wether it be male or female work and so through out live you don't so much change form male to female more of you incorporate the both and it becomes one ,

Any way wether you can do as I have and am doing I cant answer that , though if you see this post and wont to find out more just ask .or contact me

...noeleena...

[Guest Deenah]

Hey, welcome to the playground. You'll love it here, it's one big family.

We don't put up with nonsense here. I do hope that you will stick around and visit the many forums, make some friends, and ask many questions. That's what we're here for, to learn from each other.

Deenah rae

[Guest Sasseya_Isobel]

[quote name="JenniferYoon"

One critical point is that in Steffi's world, she is a female and she cannot accept it if people one day find out that she is not a female by birth. Steffi does not want to just present as a female from the outside, she wants to really feel that she is also a female in her mind too. To her, the only way to achieve this is for everyone in Steffi's world takes her as a complete female. So if one day Steffi is 'read', Steffi will also be disappeared. And I will only left with one world, the male world, which I hate... I just don't know what I will do then...

Steffi

Hi Steffi,

I don't find your story hard to believe, my only concern would be that you talk about Steffi in the 3rd person as if she is not you, I am Sass I have always been Sass even when not presenting I am Sass,

I would hope that you are talking to your Therapist about it,

Hope everything is going good for you,

Love and prayers

Sass

[Guest honeynocturnal]

Hi Steffi! What an intriguing life you live!

It definitely sounds tough to be 2 people at once and I admire your courage and stamina to have done what you have done!

I have never gone so far as to go out in public dressed as a woman, but I know the day will come soon.

I sympathise with your plight. To love a woman with all your heart, but to have to overcome her cultural bias to be accepted by her, that is very painful indeed. I experienced something similar with my ex-girlfriend of 19 years and I hope the two of you can find a way to melt the barriers eventually.

This is a great place to find acceptance and friendship from people who will never judge you for who you really are!

<3, Honey