When being misgendered finally gets to you

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

A few days ago I was in Iowa at a Pilot truck stop that only has diesel fuel pumps (yay no annoying cars!)

I needed a shower, so I gathered what I needed and sauntered on in. I go up to the kiosk and swipe my reward card and get a shower slip. Shortly after I hear "Driver, number, 41, your shower is now ready. please proceed to shower....1."

Woohoo!

So I am about to head back when I stop and think about asking the cashier who I have to talk to to get a second towel (I always use 2, one for me, one for my hair). She tells me when my shower is ready, she'll get me one. I then tell her my shower is ready. She replies "no it's not, they called #40." I walk off thinking I heard the system wrong. I check the shower monitor screen and it says #41 - shower 1. I look at my little piece of paper, it says #41. That's my shower. So I go back up to the lady and say "May I have an extra towel, please." She sighs, looks frustrated, and then goes and hands me an extra towel.

As I'm walking towards the corridor to get to the showers she yells out "SIR, YOUR SHOWER ISN'T READY YET."

I stopped dead in my tracks.

I turned around and just glared at her.

The look in my eyes was a combination of sheer and utter hatred towards this woman as well as pending tears of frustration.

I swallowed hard and rudely said "they called my number for the shower."

"what shower number did it tell you?" she rudely replied

"one" I growled, and then I stormed off.

I punched the entry code into the key pad next to shower 1. opened the door. set my shower bag down. closed the door.

...and that's when I started sniffling. I could feel the tears ready to come pouring down my cheeks but I fought the urge. I kept telling myself "Keep it together, Liz, keep it together. Just get your things unpacked, then you can cry."

So while sniffling and fighting back tears, I unpacked my shower bag and put everything I needed either on the counter or on the shelf in the shower. I took my clothes off, set my bag on one of the hooks on the wall. Got the two bath towels all situated just like I normally do. Then I grabbed the washcloth, sat down on the toilet...

...and cried.

I cried because I was frustrated that no matter what I do, what changes I've had done to myself, I keep getting called 'sir' periodically. I also cried because I was mad at myself for almost losing control and telling this woman off. I cried because maybe if I were shorter this wouldn't have happened. I cried because I kind of wish I was thin, blonde and had DDs so this would never happen again.

After a few minutes, I realized I needed to actually get going with my shower so I turned the water on and hopped in the shower, still sniffling, still crying. I cried through the entire shower, from shaving my legs to washing my hair. I was still sniffling while drying myself off and getting dressed. When I was just about done with the shower is when I finally was able to pull myself together.

It was the worst shower I've ever had, and no I didn't even complain to the manager about what happened. I just wanted to leave.

[Guest KerryUK]

Awwww, Lizzie - I am so sorry that this happened to you and yes, I welled up for you. If I was there, I would give you a hug (but I'm in the UK so that would be quite tricky). As you know, some people can be downright horrid and mean - sod them, you are stronger than they will ever be. Oh yes, that cow might have had her little 'victory' over you - but you didn't show her and you have moved on, become a stronger person as a result. Her? Oh yes, she'll still be stuck in her miserable life and whatever joys that will bring her (evidently, not a lot if she needs to treat strangers like that).

[Guest]

Huuggggs, Lizzie.

Sure glad I'm not headin' for Iowa any time in the near future.

Know that you are a much bigger person than the attendant.

No pun intended.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Jennifer T]

I am so sorry. :-(

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

So the rude truck stop desk clerk doesnt have the sense of a sunglasses wearing 2 AM sex worker says more about her than it does you.

At some point we may realize no matter how much we change ourselves there are "ALWAYS" going to be rude nasty people in this world.

Their miserable place in life behind the truck counter may be indicative of the misery they themselves go through every day.Trying to make themselves feel better at your expense may be all they have.

Your self control and reluctance to unload on this person is commendable.

I get called sir on a near daily basis, sadly I know that may never change for me,I would certainly embrace and respect more the correct gendering form a late night sex worker than the rudeness of a day time truck stop desk clerk.

Hopefully you got all those tears out of you for a while and will remember more that gal on your truck step hanging on your mirror looking for a little friendly mistaken identity . :-)

[KathrynJulia]

Some Days Lizzie

Sighhhh....... People out there can be real jerks. You ran into a bigoted narrow minded, religious wingnut. Wonder what the owners would say if you contacted them and sent a picture of that woman. Inform them you were insulted by her and you will not be returning.

I heard from a business that it was their policy to be intrusive. My reply, I'm a customer and it's my policy to not put up with businesses that ask questions that are none of their business. As a customer, I am their business. As a customer my purchases keep the lights on and the help owe their job to me, the customer. I am choosing to take my business elsewhere in response to how I have been treated by this employee. Sincerely yours, Kathy

[tracy_j]

I'm sorry. That was not nice!

These days happen to us all. Just someone or something which drives us to tears.

The real good thing I find about that (if it were me) is it's good to cry - relieves stress.

Just think - It is the bad days which make the good days better

Take care

Love

Tracy x

[Guest Jennifer T]

Kathryn, you extrapolated that the woman was a "bigoted narrow minded, religious wingnut" based on Lizzie's post?

Really?

[Charlize]

Lizzie, those are the worst possible moments. I wish i could say that i am perfectly stealth and no one ever even looks sideways at me. I was thinking last night, as i reviewed the day in my mind, about a woman who gave me a very aggressive look. I could see her face and felt badly for a moment until i remembered all the folks who had smiled and been as nice as possible. My mind and i presume yours as well tends to dwell on the rough stuff but i'm learning to remember the smiles as well so i can smile back within myself.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

Aw, I'm sorry she made you cry. But while she's ignorant and rude she probably wasn't trying to be. That being said, don't beat yourself up over how you treated her. You could've been way more rude and it sounds to me you handled the best way you could. It's important to cry it out sometimes, proud of ya.

You handled that well, like a grown woman- not getting all in some little girl's face. Be happy now. ^^

[Cyndee]

You showed grace under fire for not loosing your temper at her Lizze ! That's what it takes, grace.

Begs a larger question - Why do we give these words any more weight than they deserve ? Especailly if used in unrespectful scenarios, or worse as an attack.

This condition can make us vulnerable to these words and there are those out there that know this. We must filter, rise above, cry if you need to, get it out, get past it as quickly as possible, damage mitigation, remembering all that went well, can work wonders. The good in the world far outweighs these low lifes. She may go home from her truck stop job to her drunk abusive husband each night, we don't know, then she takes it out on the unsuspecting at the truck stop the next day, this person is miserable, sorry you found her.

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Guest LizMarie]

I am so sorry this happened to you, Lizzie. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

[Guest Annutty]

Please tell me which Pilot this is...I drive through Iowa all the time...I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I will gladly boycott that particular Pilot if you want!

I like Flying J showers way more anyway XD

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Oh, Annutty, you don't have to do that. Besides, that particular Pilot has 2 selling points that makes it really ideal: a) it has no gas pumps, diesel fuel only, so that cuts down on traffic and while a tad over-priced, it has some really good barbecue. I practically devoured the bbq brisket sandwich I had it was so yummy.

I may have simply caught her on a bad night where they were short-staffed and she was really stressed.

Here's a wrench to the whole story. After I was done with my shower, I walked back out (obviously) and went to get a soda and a sandwich before I started driving. I had my hair down since it was wet. When I got up to the counter, the very same lady that misgendered me was so. incredibly. nice to me. She asked how my shower was. We made some small talk. When I scanned my loyalty card she saw my name pop up and she called me Elizabeth. I told her I left a $1 in the shower room for whoever has to clean up the hairs I shed while washing and brushing it and she told me she'll be the one cleaning the showers and then she thanked me for leaving her a tip because that was really nice of me.

So now I would feel bad complaining to the manager about what happened because after that whole incident she was really nice to me!

[Charlize]

That is such a nice ending of your story Lizzy. Thanks for sharing it.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

And for the "rest of the story" thanks for sharing.

This illustrates that often at times in a mis-gendering situation you may have an opportunity to recover or even reverse the previous perceptions. I've experienced success in the 2nd or even 3rd encounters with others, in allowing them to get it "right".

So by not loosing your cool and/or showing any anger Lizzie, you enjoyed a nice "come back", congrats.

That's grace

Cyndi -

[Guest Annutty]

That is awesome, I'm glad it had kind of a happy ending. I know what you mean about the lack of gas pumps...but you can still get tour busses and RV's >.>

[Guest KerryUK]

Perhaps she had time to think and possibly reconsider her actions, just maybe she realised what a cow she had been and wanted to put things right. Anyway, so glad it turned out okay in the end.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Perhaps she had time to think and possibly reconsider her actions, just maybe she realised what a cow she had been and wanted to put things right. Anyway, so glad it turned out okay in the end.

It is possible. Maybe things were a little hectic and she was in panic mode and an hour later when I was done (I take long showers, lol), the place was much more quiet and she seemed more relaxed.

[Guest KerryUK]

I always try to see the best in every situation Lizzie .