OUT to the fam!

[Guest Cyd]

Well, I finally ripped the Band-Aid off and came out to my family! WHEW!

I started with my mom and stepdad, who were both really great. The next day I came out to my four sisters; two positive responses so far, one that mom says is positive (though that sister hasn't said boo to me yet), and one that I probably won't hear from (we're not close and I rarely see her). I did all of this via email, which worked out much better than I expected it to. I did it that way to give everyone space to react without me staring at them--plus my sisters are geographically spread out, and I wanted them all to know at once.

Surprisingly, this move seems to have changed my wife's view of things. Where before, she was insisting that I stay in the closet for her family, now she's decided that she should write to them (I'll have editing privileges) and explain what's going on with me (us) very soon, so that my evolving male-ish appearance won't weird them out at the holidays. She has four nephews (plus their wives & children), one of whom is very right-wing and bigoted. Maybe they'll tell us to stay away from them. Whatever. It really feels like she has decided to be in my corner no matter what, which is a huge relief. There's lots of talking and processing yet to come, around hormones and surgery and all that, but it feels like ENORMOUS progress has happened in a short time.

I think I have my one FTM buddy in real life to thank, at least in part. We spontaneously had him over for dinner last week when his wife was out of town, and I think spending that time with him really normalized the whole transgender thing for my wife. They talked about baseball and C.S. Lewis.

Mom has now moved into the worrying-about-my-future phase, which I totally expected. And she asked me to recommend some books for her to learn more about us transfolk, which is cool.

Life is good!

[Charlize]

Cyd, that is wonderful news! not only is your family seemingly taking it well but most important your wife is with you and truing her best to understand. I know the great joy at having the continued love of a woman i love although like you i had always feared the worst. Congratulations. Let us know when your feet hit the ground. I'm sure they will do so running.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest ashleynikole]

YEA!!!!

My parents were good up front and then about a month later my mom started freaking out. A month later she started rounding out and now she's starting to come around and accept me. Don't be surprised if there is backlash in a month or two but we can always hope and pray that everything is smooth.

Congrats

Ashley

[Carolyn Marie]

I am really delighted for you, Cyd. All in all, that is an excellent outcome. I wish you continued good fortune in regards to your family, who seem, for the most part, really loving, supportive and open minded.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Cyndee]

Coming out to the family is a big deal, and we don't get to take it back, congrats Cyd on taking the plunge. Sounds like you have traversed the first steps quite well, including bringing your mate along, as she sees events unfold. May the following weeks bring more enlightenment, communication and understanding.

Best

Cyndi -

[Guest Annutty]

congrats on making a big step...good luck with your wife's family! I hope they are as understanding as your family has been

[JJ]

Fantastic Cyd. What a relief to have it done and to have turned out so well.

Happy for you

Johnny

[Guest Cyd]

Thanks, everyone! It's so great to have this community of folks who totally understand the import of this step.

The "other shoe" that I've been fearing dropped this morning. The sister who Mom predicted would be positive is not exactly positive. She's not totally negative, but....she's treating the news like I have a shameful disease that she has to protect her children (they are 9 and 12) from. Also, even though I live 600 miles from her and have zero contact with anyone in her city, she fears that she will become the butt of gossip and rumor. So--for now, I get silence from her and filtered messages via Mom, and Mom's warning that my sister will be maintaining "strong boundaries," which likely means no contact with my nephews until my sister decides I'm not contagious. This feels disappointing, of course, and reminds me of the way my grandmother reacted when I came out to her as lesbian 16 years ago: "I love you, BUT I don't approve of your choice." Mom actually used the word "choice." Ugh. At least my sister isn't saying exactly what my grandmother said, which was, "I love you, but you will go to Hell."

I knew I couldn't expect 100% buy-in from the fam, but I did hope for better from this sister, as she is the faculty advisor for the gay-straight alliance at the high school where she teaches. I wonder what her transgender students would think of her straight-arming me into keeping my distance....

[Guest ashleynikole]

I knew I couldn't expect 100% buy-in from the fam, but I did hope for better from this sister, as she is the faculty advisor for the gay-straight alliance at the high school where she teaches. I wonder what her transgender students would think of her straight-arming me into keeping my distance....

Wait! So let me get this straight. The sister that has "strong boundaries", keeping her distance and protecting her kids from you is the faculty advisor for the gay-straight alliance at the high school where she teaches?

I know that even gay and lesbian people don't always get us, but if we're talking about "acceptance and support", there really isn't a much more supportive group than the GSA. I feel like that little kid on the State Farm commercial who is in his stroller and asks if anyone else is freaked out that the mime is talking. Yeah, that's how my brain feels at the moment...lol.

SMH

Ashley

[Guest Mia J]

Hopefully she will come around at some point Cyd. It really gets me when someone who is not accepting is more worried about what others will think of them then they are concerned about supporting a loved one. That is totally selfish and self centered.

At least you have a lot of support from the rest of your family which is fantastic.

Mia

[Guest Cyd]

Ashley, that is exactly the response I've gotten from my handful of family and friends I've talked to about my sister the GSA-advisor. It just doesn't compute, does it? I expected the "protective mama bear" crap, but my alleged potential to harm her career from 600 miles away is just ridiculous.

Mia, I'm also hoping she decides to come around at some point. But the 600-mile buffer zone works in my favor, as I don't have to avoid family gatherings and whatnot. If she wants to grossly overreact, at least I don't have to be around her. I feel bad for my nephews, though, as this is just another example of their mom underestimating what they can handle. My oldest nephew is in junior high--I'm sure he has at least heard about trans people by now.

I'm staying focused on all the positive responses I've had, and keeping in mind that I'm actually having quite a healthy reaction to my sister's far-fetched fears. In years past, I would have internalized her response and felt ashamed of myself for having an "offensive" identity. Not this time; no way. Living in the light, as my genuine self, feels so great! She'll either come around or she won't. Either way, I am living authentically, and she can't take that away from me.

Cyd

[Guest Jamie61]

Cyd,

Your healthy response is great and I hope I will be as strong. I know that many nieces and nephews and their children will be steered clear of me as well ( if not already). Wouldn't we want to always be around authentically real people? I told me therapist that I don't mind moving into a new "place" in the family, but it is hard to deal with at times.

It's nice that so many in your family are supportive!

Jamie

[Guest Cyd]

Thanks, Jamie! Yes, I'm really fortunate to have as much family support as I do have. And my wife's full support is the best of all.

After talking with my therapist about my one over-reacting sister, I decided to send a further response to her, through Mom, since that seems to be the way sis prefers to communicate. I expressed my anger and named the alleged "career threat" the absurdity it is. I reiterated that my name and gender will soon change on Facebook, and invited my sister to unfriend and/or block me, if she is so worried that colleagues will catch a glimpse of me and freak out.

In my original coming-out email, I invited my sister to take all the time she needed to process my news. All she had to do was reply "I need some time," and I would have totally accepted that. Instead she suggested I was going to circumvent her parental rights, somehow threaten her career, and make HER an object of gossip and derision. Talk about self-focused overkill. I needed to point out the insulting and far-fetched aspects of her response, and having done so, I feel much better. I reiterated that she can take all the time she needs. The ball is in my sister's court. Stay tuned.

Gosh it's great to live in the full sunlight, carrying NO ONE else's shame about my identity.

Cyd

[Guest LizMarie]

The worries about "what will the neighbors say" was one of the first things I encountered as well. Yes, it's best to just be as up front as you can be about it.

[Guest Cyd]

UGH. So Mom responded to my latest communication with some HUGE backpedaling and blame-shifting. Despite her own initial response that she wasn't surprised, now she claims I blindsided them all with my news. And she claims no one intended to say I'm a threat to my sister's career, even though that is exactly what they said. And they're all offended that I waited until "so far into" my gender shift, as if I should have told them from the very first day I started figuring myself out, rather than five months in.

This is all some major deja vu, as over the years my basic human privacy boundaries have offended Mom and this particular sister repeatedly. Excuse the heck out of me for not wanting to process important understandings about myself in an open family forum. My gender is MY gender. I can't imagine having gone through the early days of understanding myself as trans with my whole family breathing down my neck and wanting to argue with me about it!

So, I guess I should have kept my career-threatening mouth shut. UGH UGH UGH. On the other hand, now I know where I really stand with all of them. I'm inclined to keep my distance now....let them decide when they want to be around me. (Not too hard in my sister's case, as she is 600 miles away.) I feel bad about that since my stepdude's birthday is coming in a couple weeks, and I think he's the only one of the three of them I can count on to be a grownup about this.

I understand that they have a lot of processing to do....but I still think I did the right thing by pointing out the hyperbole and insult in my sister's response. This standing-up-for-myself thing is new to me. Hopefully they'll get used to it.

[Guest Jamie61]

Cyd,

I wish I could change people. I think your right about the time needed for family to process. I like what Robina Asti said "rely on the basis that they loved you once and it will start shining through again". I hope that is true.

Take care,

Jamie