Hesitation...good thing or just fear of the unknown?

[Guest ashleynikole]

Well, someone in my local support group had to create her own paperwork for a legal name change (yes, my county is the only one in TN that doesn't have a formal process or forms in place) and she provided all of it to us for anyone else that needed it. So I have all my paperwork in place.

My divorce is final, so there are no more legal matters to consider at this point, so nothing is holding me back from making this life altering decision.

I've heard so many others' stories about it being so freeing and even relieving some dysphoria they have, but yet why do I hesitate to pull the trigger?

I'm not particularly fond of my current name so holding on to it isn't really that big of a deal. I'm just not sure why I'm hesitating to make this crucial move. Perhaps it's the first thing that has such a "finality" of it. HRT is gradual change. Clothes are a cultural shifting change. Hair, makeup, etc. is not a big life altering change. Nothing I've done to this point is really a big change, but maybe this is and I'm just afraid.

I don't know. Surely I'm not alone.

Looking for assurance

Ashley

[Guest LizMarie]

Two years ago I was afraid of my name change but that changed, and eventually I was certain and wanted it done. It still took me longer that I'd have liked, and cost more than I would have wished, but now that it is done, I have found an entirely new sense of happiness. No longer is Cara a "stage" name. Cara is now me. There is no more David and I find that liberating.

I'm sure each of us feels differently about such things. There's no need to rush, Ashley, but some therapists won't consider you full time (for starting your GCS clock) until you are legally you.

[VickySGV]

I also go back to 2012 for my name change, and I filed for it the same week as I made my application for surgery to Dr. Bowers. I was playing a bit of Beat The Clock since I thought that it was a hard and fast rule to prove I was full time under RLT rules there, and I do not remember which filing was made first. It was hard, but there was a spiritual edge to it too, in fact two edges. The male name had served me for many years, and there were times I could also like him, he had had a life I had been there to watch, and it did feel to me that I would be killing him, just a bit of that though.

The other side to it was a disbelief in my own boldness to take a name for myself. I felt a bit like I was waving a wiener at the powerful people who had controlled my life in the past, and going against their power was more than I had ever been able to do before. I had helped choose my children's names, but this was TOO personal and above that experience for me to grasp in total at the time. I was not used to doing this big and powerful an event for myself. To me the name change was a bigger part of my transition than my GRS and maybe the two events should have been reversed, with the more important being the last thing to do, but the wisdom of the SOC 7 is how it works.

[Cyndee]

It's best to evaluate each step as we move along, you'll know what's best for you. The name change is far reaching in it's implications. The act of changing one's name is just the first step in many that follow it, such as identification documents, money and banking, insurance, employment, property, on and on. It's a big step, one that should be carefully considered. For most It's the big event in a social transition, which usually preceeds in the GCS path as Vicky and Cara point out above. For me the name change / gender change was one way of saying I'm full time to the world, it's a very public statement. These changes have brought me feelings of satisfaction, validation, and joy. Like just hearing your name being spoken to you, or seeing it in print, it pays you back over and over again, and at the same time you see and hear that old name simply fade away, it works it's magic in two directions.

Hesitating, or is it really taking pause to just think it over ? That's prudence, and this requires forethought. Look before you leap the old saying goes....

What ever you decide Ashley, wishing you the best

C -

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

It's a really big step!

It's....a really, really, really big step. You're telling the world that the person you are now is now from this point forward going to be known as this name instead of that previous name. Not casually, not an "also known as" but for real.

When my family learned of my legal name change, that's when they finally realized "um...this isn't 'just a phase'."

This is a permanent step forward, so I understand your hesitation.

I personally had no hesitation to change my name. I wanted it changed, I couldn't wait for it to be changed. I saved up money from each paycheck so I could afford to have this done. I eagerly looked forward to this but I also was a bit scared as well because I understood the consequences. Once it's finalized, there would be no 'going back' to being male. I could go back, but it would look weird with such a feminine name. So I knew once I took this step, it was all or nothing from this point forward.

So I took a leap of faith.

...5 years ago.

[Guest JennaR]

Personally, I don't feel that hesitation is necessarily a bad thing. It's good to be emotionally prepared and fully confident when you make such big decisions, or at least as prepared and confident as one can be.

I still introduce myself as Jenna even when not specifically presenting as female. While I've been waiting a bit on the legal name thing, like you, I found what I guess you could call the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were. I ended up in the ER this past weekend. When they check you in, their system has no box for "preferred name". So I was called by my male name when I walked in, and it kind of shocked me just how upset that made me. Pre-injury I had been having a lazy day at home and was not at all in a state of feminine presentation (hadn't even shaved my face), so nothing seemed amiss to them about using that name.

On a humorous side note, when the admission nurse (or medical assistant, or whatever) took me back and asked me to take off my shirt and put on the robe, I asked her if that included bra. She just stared at me, obviously at a loss for words, for a good 3-4 seconds. Then she recovered nicely and told me very professionally that it did. She also finally asked my preferred name and instructed the ER staff as to what I wished to be called.

That kind of did it for me. Now I can't wait to get my name and gender marker changed (which in Virginia, seems to luckily be cheap and easy). I hope you can make your decision before you reach a severe discomfort with your male name, like I have, but either way I wish you the best!

Jenna

[Guest]

for starting this Thread, Ashley.

You are certainly not alone.

I as well, am facing this fork in the road at the moment.

I seem to be unable to find any solace in this and have decided to go forth with my filing.

I think a little fear in this decision is normal.

....

On a humorous side note, when the admission nurse (or medical assistant, or whatever) took me back and asked me to take off my shirt and put on the robe, I asked her if that included bra. She just stared at me, obviously at a loss for words, for a good 3-4 seconds. Then she recovered nicely and told me very professionally that it did. She also finally asked my preferred name and instructed the ER staff as to what I wished to be called.

....

Jenna

for the laugh Jenna.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest]

So last night and tonight I took the time to call my parent's separately and respect them enough to discuss what this next step means and how it's not a disrespect of the name they'd chosen for me (because in fact, my new legal name will be names they chose as well), but I just wanted to get their take on it.

They were both very supportive of me (have been all of the time, not including the turbulent takeoff) and honestly are behind me (even if they still don't understand it). My father still finds it weird when I bring up something with my transition (like how I now have to wear bras, and getting ma'amed all the time), but none the less, he's very interested in it and won't shy away from asking questions or bringing up points that I've thought on many times over. My mother was just as supportive and I honestly think how much mine and her life parallel each other (christian women, entrepreneurs, abandoned and divorced, etc.) is making it easier to relate to each other. She also said my name right before we hung up and it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

So I feel I have a bold confidence inside of me now that I was missing before and I think I'm confident in taking this next step. I'm sort of excited for it and perhaps it would be a good starting place to say to the world, "This is me. Take it for what it is." Thanks for all your support.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest LizMarie]

Good luck, Ashley!

[Cyndee]

That's really awesome, having their support like that Ashley is huge.

Cyndi -

[Guest]

Wow! Talk about expedient.

Me (calling court this morning): I have a petition and order for name change and wanted to know where I needed to file those in order to change my name?

Clerk: You don't file them, you need to set a court date.

Me: Ok. When can I set a court date for this?

Clerk: Let me pull up the calendar and see what's available.

Me: (waiting...sure is a lot of waiting in this journey )

Clerk: We have court available this Friday at 8:30am.

Me: OH WOW! That's fast! Did NOT expect it to be that soon. That will be great!

And so now I have a court date for this coming friday and when it's done, I'll have the documents that show my name is legally Ashley Nikole W*****. It's very surreal to think that by this weekend, I'll have a completely different name. I still smile when I think about it.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest JennaR]

Ashley,

That is amazing! Big congratulations!!! I'm filing at CC tomorrow, but here it will take a few weeks. On the upside, I'm pretty sure I don't actually have to go to court. I hope for a great update from you on Friday! :-)

Jenna

[StephanieVikingGirl]

That's great Ashley! I might not be too far behind you on this. I have been discussing this a lot since Halloween with my friend Jennifer. She changed her name back in March, and all her documents show female now as well. I think it will be my turn sometime within the next couple of months (my only hesitation was before starting HRT, and I have been really happy that I made the right decision on that). Keep us informed of your status Ashley!

big hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest]

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[Guest MonikaDean2014]

I've been doing some heavy research on this whole "name change" thing in California. The skinny here is that if you're just doing a name change without a gender marker change, you don't need to appear in Court. If you are doing both name change and gender marker change, the system automatically generates a court date....BUT....you can request NOT appear in court for safety reasons. Very strange here in LA LA land...hehehe.

I do have a question for anyone who wants to take a stab at it. Do you feel there is a proper timeline for doing this? i.e. come out to Employer first, then do a name change, or the reverse? If so, why? I have the type of job that I work very independently by myself and there just doesn't seem to be any big rush to tell them. BUT.....I want my name change ASAP!

Must I prove that I've lived as Monika for so many months before I can request a name change in Court? I didn't find any documents outlying that concern.

Thanks for anyone...not meaning to hijack this thread...

Monika

[Guest LizMarie]

Monika, what I did was come out to my boss and HR, arrange for a meeting to come out to my teammates, and both I and HR agreed that it would be legally simpler for them if I transitioned on the job after the court order was final so that's what I did. Once the court order was final, they had legal basis on which to stand on my side but I came out and HR and my boss knew months before. It was a process and I wanted them to be involved too, to both access their expertise as well as ensuring their involvement was ongoing and that I was not forcing things alone on everyone.

[VickySGV]

Liz Marie had said it well as far as job and coming out goes. As for our California system of name change (I am also in L.A. County), I did it old system where the court appearance was mandatory. I was full time at the time I filed for the change and no one in the Clerk's office gave a fig since I had all but one page of the N/C legal packet. The whole process was anti-climactic, but I was in a big courtroom and the judge was practically mumbling up on the bench, so I really did not even hear the whole thing, but did not irk the judge bad enough to cueball the deal.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Monika,

As far as I know, you don't have to prove that you are living as a woman full time or anything like that in order to get your name and gender changed. The documents look to be about making sure that you are not trying to escape debt or prosecution. So they aren't too hard to fill out really. I have already filled out my portions of the documents in order to get my name and gender change here in California, but I haven't had enough gas money to get down to Fremont where my doctor could sign off on it. It is definitely a pressing need now, the owner of the company I work for just sent me an email asking about when can I give him something for the company that does our payroll. I currently am leading wine tours as Stephanie, and I know that Brad (the owner) wants all the work documentation to be updated as soon as possible. I think that I will need to call the local hospital (St. Helena), and see if they can coordinate with my doctor, and maybe sign off on the document for me. Then I need to go to the Napa County Courthouse and turn it in so I can get a court date. I hope it is soon. My current driver's license also needs to be changed ASAP since I pretty much can't use it as a legal photo I.D. anymore. I have really changed in appearance (no facial hair now, and HRT was really effective in feminizing my face, astonishing so in fact).

Obviously in my case I came out at work before getting my documents done, but that might not be the best way to do it. Truthfully I had no clue HRT was going to be this quick, and I thought it would be at least a year before I had to worry about any of this, wow was I wrong. I am not complaining mind you, just overwhelmed. Before I started HRT, I had a beard, mustache, and a masculine appearance (or so I thought), now not so much, lol. So my "plans" were completely overtaken by events so to speak. My avatar is from October 28th, and I look way better and more feminine now. Unfortunately my phone was old and finally stopped working, so I can't take a new selfie until a replacement comes (hopefully this week). Oh well, as they say YMMV. Oops, way too chatty again.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest]

Seeing as I'm not in California, I can't comment on the laws or process, but my experience with work (I am a consultant with my own company working with startups in the tech industry) was to inform my current clients first and then do the legal stuff after. I actually came out to my clients back in June (sort of felt compelled based on decisions that needed to be made) and didn't change my name until November. Once I changed my name legally and on all my emails and usernames, it was easier for people to jump on board to using the right name and pronouns. I've personally had nothing but great experiences.

God bless

Ashley