Frustrated

[Guest Sydney_W]

Bluh. It's two in the morning and I've got a headache, so I should make this quick. I'd just go to bed, but I've gotta purge my mind of this crap. My apologies if it gets incoherent.

A few days ago, I made an appointment with my doc to have a "group session" with my parents. I've been wanting to come out to them for the past few months but couldn't muster up the courage, so I figured I'd do it the same way I did something last year: I asked them to be more accepting of my then-androgynous gender expression in my doctor's office, with my (supportive and awesome) behavior therapist acting as the moderator and emotional support. I asked for this setting because I didn't want my parents to interrupt me during my emotional vomiting, which usually makes me choke and swallow everything left I wanted to say (hooray for extended metaphors). Whenever I try to debate with someone, it's like I forget my own points and views when they try to contradict me, and I temporarily believe what they say. So I suck at back-and-forth debates. Here, they were in a passive listening role while I spilled my guts unhindered. And hey, long story short, it worked. I don't think I've debated with my parents about my needs ever since. However...

Back to the present day: Since I'm having trouble coming out to them, I realized, it'd be great if I could do it in the same setting as we had last year. So I set up this group appointment for Monday (now tomorrow... wait, today, yeesh) and practiced coming out to teddy bears in my doc's office. So I was ready, man. And I need this, I can't stay in the closet anymore, I just can't take it. So I was nervous as hell but kind of psyched... until a couple of days ago, when my parents said they had to cancel the appointment.

Just... what.

Oh, well, your dad has a dentist's appointment and your mom just wants to take a break from the doctor this week. But I wanted it to be a group session. Okay, we'll do it during the next appointment, on April 1st.

Ohh great, I finally grow a pair (figuratively) and it just happens in the wrong place at the wrong time! Awwww... expletives!

Yes, it is a coincidence, my parents seem completely oblivious to what I wanted to discuss. They probably think it's about my OCD. But y'know what, I feel like I made up my mind. I still want to do it, tomorrow, appointment or no appointment. I'm not gonna let this built-up readiness die. I can't wait anymore. Besides, I sure don't wanna do it on April Fool's day.

So... I just want to know if anyone had any suggestions. To-do's or not-to-do's. My main concern is getting them to believe that my gender dysphoria is a problem all its own, and not just part of my Asperger's Syndrome, because they seem to have similar effects on social behavior and other symptoms. I should just make sure I say that Asperger's alone wouldn't make me feel like I'm in a body of the wrong sex, not by a long shot. And while I'll let them know that that I'll give them the time they'll need to come to terms with it, I feel like I can't move ahead in my life until this issue gets sorted out. I really don't want to wait much longer for professional gender help. I guess I'm also worried about feeling sick while I try to explain things. I tend to get nauseous when I'm nervous about things like this.

I repeat...... bluh.

Anyway, wish me luck... if anyone has any suggestions or a link to some, I'd be thrilled. I've read some guides already (like TNET's "Our Trans Children") but hey, the more info the merrier, I suppose. I'll try not to overwhelm them, and I'll definitely let them know that I'm freaked out about it almost as much as they are. XD Maybe I should put a careful dash of humor in there somewhere? Dunno how though. Arrgh.

I'm off to sleep. Thanks, everybody,

W

[Sally]

Two very quick points - be positive in your presentation - this is a solution to your problems not a major problem of it's own.

By that I mean this one is treatable and can make your life so much better - not the 'end of the world' scenario.

Try this site:

www.imatyfa.org

Good Luck!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Sydney_W]

Aha, so THAT's what was wrong with my plan. I knew something was off, I was being too negative. Good thing I read your post before coming out (I still haven't done it, lol). I guess I was so worried about them reacting negatively that I started catering to it. It's odd, I usually look at the bright side of things automatically. I think I know what I'm gonna say to them, now, and ironically it was right in front of me for the past few days.

See, I found a Dear Abby article that my mom had clipped from the newspaper last week. It read:

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, “Heidi,” is 17 and pregnant. She is going to an alternative high school and doing well. My daughter is proactive about her pregnancy and excited about the new baby. This will be my first grandchild, and I am excited too.

My problem is, when I express my joy, others act like I am crazy. At a baptism in church, I told my husband how happy I will be when our grandson is baptized and I can’t wait until he’s born. He responded that he is not excited at all because of the expense and upheaval this new addition will cause.

I know there will be hardships with a new baby. We don’t have much room in our house, and a new member will bring some burden. I do not have my head in the clouds — but when I see the ultrasound image and hear that heartbeat, I am filled with joy.

Am I wrong to be happy? And if not, what can I say to the people who tell me I am? — Proud Almost-Grandma

DEAR ALMOST: You are entitled to your happiness. However, please understand that unwed teen mothers and their children can face challenges, and this may be what people are alluding to.

Frankly, I am troubled by the fact that nowhere in your letter have you mentioned how your daughter plans to raise her son, how she will provide for him, whether she plans to complete her education, what the involvement of the baby’s father will be emotionally and financially, or whether she will need aid from the state. Nor have you mentioned what the impact of the new arrival will have on your marriage.

That’s why, although your heart is filled with joy, you need to look ahead with your eyes wide open — and that’s what I am advising.

I asked my mom why she saved it and she went into a rant about how much she disagreed with the response. Sure, it would be tough, the situation wasn't ideal, she argued, and that woman knew that. Nevertheless, this was a baby they were talking about. New life coming into a family is a happy thing, despite the hardships it may bring. The grandfather approached it by only looking at the negative aspects of the situation. People cope with life better by looking at the positives. Besides, they shouldn't hold that negativity over the kid's head: "You know, we really didn't want you, you caused a lot of problems for us, you were a big burden." Yeah, that's no way to grow up.

My point is, I shouldn't introduce my transsexuality by listing all of the burdens and troubles it could bring. That approach could throw a shadow over the whole experience. I'm trying to make myself happy and live life to the fullest, and that's what this is about, the fact that I can do that and know what I need to do to get it. I should bring up positive aspects, like how simply switching my pronouns to "he" when I thought about myself made my surroundings seem so much brighter. And to transition physically, oh man, life would finally be REAL for me. Now THAT'S what I should be talking about. That's the most important thing.

So long story short, thanks for the tip, Sally, that's exactly what I was looking for. Forgive my long-winded-ness, lol. But I think I'm ready to tell them, now. As ready as I'll ever be, anyway.

Thanks for the link, too. I think I'll print out some PDFs from that site and give them to the 'rents. Information is power, yo.

Thanks again!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Like me you get all over the place when you get nervous. Its gonna be hard to do but try to focus on two things;

(1) you know what you are and who you are - nothing will change that. Look them in the eye and say that you are sincere. Show them this is something real and important. Its not your faullt because you were born this way. It's not their fault, because it wasn't anything they did or didn't do. Its not something you can or will grow out of. Its not a mental conditon. Its not a life style choice. Its not a medical condition though it can be treated.

(2) You need their help. that is their choice, but you expect it. It is their duty to help you be what you really are. They cannot put this off. It will not go away. Repeat, you will not grow out of it. If they do not help you they are failing you. You WANT them to help but if they don't you will do this on your own. You have no choice but to be what you are. This is how you have to be or you will be so miserable and unhappy you will not function well. Gender dysphoric people are very self distructive unless given a chance for resolution. That is a fact not a threat.

So it seems they will need to be educated on what you are. You have researched some of this an that is good. Just remember they will resist all attempts for you to tell them what you are and what you need. This is called denial. It will take a lot of effort but keep working at it. Its a difficult thing , you must be the adult here at all times. Try as hard as you can to kep it together. It is very important that you succeed.

So that seems enough advice. If it doesn't work out right, retreat and try again later. You will eventually succeed - you have to.

Remember - it is HARD being trangender - but you are NOT alone in this. Keep us posted on how it is going.

You are a brave and courageous person!

Lizzy

[Guest Little Sara]

My main concern is getting them to believe that my gender dysphoria is a problem all its own, and not just part of my Asperger's Syndrome, because they seem to have similar effects on social behavior and other symptoms.

I and a few friends are trans and with Asperger Syndrome both, it's not been seen as a contradiction even if their effects may compound on the social side.

[Guest Sydney_W]

Like me you get all over the place when you get nervous. Its gonna be hard to do but try to focus on two things;

(1) you know what you are and who you are - nothing will change that. Look them in the eye and say that you are sincere. Show them this is something real and important. Its not your faullt because you were born this way. It's not their fault, because it wasn't anything they did or didn't do. Its not something you can or will grow out of. Its not a mental conditon. Its not a life style choice. Its not a medical condition though it can be treated.

(2) You need their help. that is their choice, but you expect it. It is their duty to help you be what you really are. They cannot put this off. It will not go away. Repeat, you will not grow out of it. If they do not help you they are failing you. You WANT them to help but if they don't you will do this on your own. You have no choice but to be what you are. This is how you have to be or you will be so miserable and unhappy you will not function well. Gender dysphoric people are very self distructive unless given a chance for resolution. That is a fact not a threat.

So it seems they will need to be educated on what you are. You have researched some of this an that is good. Just remember they will resist all attempts for you to tell them what you are and what you need. This is called denial. It will take a lot of effort but keep working at it. Its a difficult thing , you must be the adult here at all times. Try as hard as you can to kep it together. It is very important that you succeed.

So that seems enough advice. If it doesn't work out right, retreat and try again later. You will eventually succeed - you have to.

Remember - it is HARD being trangender - but you are NOT alone in this. Keep us posted on how it is going.

You are a brave and courageous person!

Lizzy

Wow, that's a heck of a lot of good advice, there. You hit the nail on the head about "getting all over the place", hahahah. I've been a bit worried about that happening here, but it's not a horrible thing if it does. My parents know that happens to me, so I don't think they'll take it as a sign of me being wrong, just as nervousness.

I had those two things in mind but couldn't really sort them out. I think that if I say them kind of the way you did, they'll look at it the same way they see my Asperger's: it's something I was born with, it's nobody's fault, it will always be there, it will cause some difficulties but it's treatable, and treating it can do me a world of good. It's okay if they don't like it or accept it at first, I understand, but it won't go away. What I'm currently focusing on is the solution.

I'm glad you mentioned that it's normal for them to resist what I'm going to tell them and that I have to be the adult. I knew this in the back of my mind, but having someone else affirm it really helps. I told my mom that I wanted to have a discussion, so at least they know something's up. I'll probably be ready tonight or tomorrow. No guarantees, though.

I and a few friends are trans and with Asperger Syndrome both, it's not been seen as a contradiction even if their effects may compound on the social side.

It sounds like AS and GID are related somehow. I'm surprised more research hasn't been done on this. Do you know any more info about it?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sydney - LOL - you are going to do just fine!

Lizzy

[Guest Little Sara]

It sounds like AS and GID are related somehow. I'm surprised more research hasn't been done on this. Do you know any more info about it?

Sadly no. I know AS is considered as the "extreme male brain" but my opinion is it reacts differently on a girl's brain, and that it's harder to detect and diagnose. People assume MtFs wouldn't have AS since it's "male", but it's never affected my desire to transition to be logical and rational. I also have some degree of empathy.

[Guest Sydney_W]

Sydney - LOL - you are going to do just fine!

Lizzy

With the advice I got, I think I am! XD I did write a lot of stuff just to get it out of my head, which is nice preparation though. Thanks for the help, Lizzy. I feel a lot better about this than I did a few days ago.

Sadly no. I know AS is considered as the "extreme male brain" but my opinion is it reacts differently on a girl's brain, and that it's harder to detect and diagnose. People assume MtFs wouldn't have AS since it's "male", but it's never affected my desire to transition to be logical and rational. I also have some degree of empathy.

Yeah, the whole "male brain" thing. Eh, I'm not sure how accurate it is, although in my case I think it made me more predisposed for GID somehow. I agree that it probably affects a female brain differently. It might make a woman think a bit more "masculinely," but it wouldn't go so far as to make her male. So having a masculine body and AS wouldn't make someone like you a man, but simply a woman with AS and with GID.

Then again, AS and GID might be related in some other weird way, so who knows?

[Guest Sydney_W]

Heyyyy, guess what, folks? It's done, I'm out! Well, to my immediate family at least.

I'm not dead, which is a good start. I'm still in my house, too. Okay, I certainly didn't expect to lose those things, but you've gotta appreciate the little things that some people don't get, y'know?

My parents reacted pretty well, thankfully. I expected my father to be stuck in a bigger piece of denial than my mother, so I pulled mom aside first. We sat down on Sunday night. There were actually some really lighthearted moments where I could slip in some comic relief, which was awesome. It did get more serious later on, but not threatening at all. I did feel like I had to convince her that the GID was separate from the Asperger's, but I think she'll come to see the difference in time. I should continue to stress that Asperger's alone would NOT make me want to change my body to that of the "opposite" sex.

I told her why I put off talking to them both at the same time, and she said "Don't worry, I'll deal with Dad." The next morning she said she told him, but I didn't get to talk to him face-to-face until yesterday. I felt like there was an elephant in the room now because I knew that he knew about it... and because I knew that he knew I knew he knew about it. (Lol wut.) This was kind of how things were when my parents found out I was bi: Dad and I would only talk about it through Mom. That ain't no way to get information across, so I made up my mind to have this be different. At my behavior therapist's office yesterday, I pulled my dad into the session and we talked about it there. It was a relief to have the doc there as a moderator, even though he didn't need to interject until the appointment was over. XD We continued talking about it on the way home, until it turned into his monologue about his thoughts on the issue.

He reacted the way I thought he would. He doesn't quite get it yet. He's convinced that my dysphoria is being caused by some other, completely mental issue, probably related to the Asperger's. He knows I'm never gonna be a "girly girl," that was clear from the get-go (aka birth). But there's a whole spectrum of being a woman and he hoped that I could fit on there somewhere. He also pointed out that I've gone through phases before (the goth phase, the anime phase, the epic three-year-long Lord of the Rings phase) and he related them to delusional hippies and Jonestown, of all things. Yes, I know that there are masculine women out there. The thought of me being a masculine woman makes me sick. I know that I go through phases, and I will probably continue to go through phases of intense interest during my life. But this has been around since I was a kid, it just took me until now to realize what exactly it was. As for delusions, s***, I was able to convince myself that I had psychic powers when I was thirteen. That's the only thing that's bothering me right now.

His soliloquy made me feel like I was going backwards. In the end, he did say that I could be right. He asked me if I really felt like a man in a woman's body, and when I said yes he didn't say much else. So I'm gonna give Dad a lot of time. He needs to come to these conclusions at his own pace. It'd also help for him to hear these things from a doctor.

So, their general response: they'll always love me, want the best for me, and don't want to rush into anything, but they're going to help me to the best of their ability. It's unanimous: time to find a gender therapist. Great success!

[Guest Little Sara]

Great to here about that ^^

And yeah, Asperger might make you overthink stuff and be less (or differently) emotional and social, but it definitely doesn't make someone want to transition.

[Sally]

Congratulations, That is wonderful news1

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sydney

WHEW - what a relief! I am so happy for you.

CONGRADS on a VERY tough thing to pull off. It sounds as if you definately have their support if not exactly an understanding. Personally, I don't think ANYONE really can understand us, they can only give us support and love.

You did so great!

Lizzy

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Like me you get all over the place when you get nervous. Its gonna be hard to do but try to focus on two things;

(1) you know what you are and who you are - nothing will change that. Look them in the eye and say that you are sincere. Show them this is something real and important. Its not your faullt because you were born this way. It's not their fault, because it wasn't anything they did or didn't do. Its not something you can or will grow out of. Its not a mental conditon. Its not a life style choice. Its not a medical condition though it can be treated.

(2) You need their help. that is their choice, but you expect it. It is their duty to help you be what you really are. They cannot put this off. It will not go away. Repeat, you will not grow out of it. If they do not help you they are failing you. You WANT them to help but if they don't you will do this on your own. You have no choice but to be what you are. This is how you have to be or you will be so miserable and unhappy you will not function well. Gender dysphoric people are very self distructive unless given a chance for resolution. That is a fact not a threat.

So it seems they will need to be educated on what you are. You have researched some of this an that is good. Just remember they will resist all attempts for you to tell them what you are and what you need. This is called denial. It will take a lot of effort but keep working at it. Its a difficult thing , you must be the adult here at all times. Try as hard as you can to kep it together. It is very important that you succeed.

Could you call my family and tell them all this?

I'm convinced my mother -still- thinks it's "just a phase".

[gennee]

Congratulations, Sydney! Give your father time. It's a lot for him to digest but I do believe that he will come around.

Gennee

[Guest CharliTo]

*brings the apple cider and pops the cork* :3 (cuz yer still not 21 yet)

weee

*hug*

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Congrats on coming out to your family!

One thing that may help you with talking about things like this with your family (because there probably will be more conversations to be had) is to write down everything you know you want to say beforehand. It gives you a chance to organize things before you talk. One of my good friends from high school has AS and he told me this helps him a lot sometimes.

Congrats again on telling your family and good luck with everything,

-Pól

[Paula ult]

Congrats Sydney, you got good advice from others and now you are out to your parents, just one of the many steps you will take on this journey.

Paula.

[Guest Sydney_W]

Wow, I didn't expect this much of a response. Thanks everybody! It really is awesome to've found a place with this much support.

Great to here about that ^^

And yeah, Asperger might make you overthink stuff and be less (or differently) emotional and social, but it definitely doesn't make someone want to transition.

Like how I over-think everything I post here? XD It's true, though.

CONGRADS on a VERY tough thing to pull off. It sounds as if you definately have their support if not exactly an understanding. Personally, I don't think ANYONE really can understand us, they can only give us support and love.

Agh, at least I know it's tough for everyone. (Although how could it not be?) A lot of the times, we don't even understand ourselves. It's amazing to find cisgendered people who just 'get it' somehow; they're out there. But one of my goals is to be able to closely describe what it's like to be trans. I'm not sure how I'll do it, but I'll do it.

Thank you Lizzy, for being awesome.

[Guest Sydney_W]

Just a bit of an update, since I found myself coming out to more people. For a while, a couple of my co-workers were trying to get me to go to a local club for "Gay Night" (one of them is gay, and they both knew about my Whateversexuality), I think because they wanted to get to know me better. Well, I felt kind of awkward about going since they didn't know what the hell gender I am, so what's "gay" and "straight" for me isn't what it seems. The day after my 21st birthday, they finally kidnapped me. I went clubbing by force.

Now I'm not the most talkative person, due to the "a**burgers" and all, so you can imagine my reaction when I ended up rigidly strapped into the backseat of a car fixed with strobe lights and going sixty-five through the suburbs, with Taco Bell napkins flying out the windows in sync with the thoomphing beat of obligatory noise. Having the trans stuff floating in my head didn't make things any less awkward for me. But eventually they turned the music down and I was able to open my mouth for little bit after little bit. Things got better as we went along. Soon they asked me if my parents "knew about me," concerning my being Whateversexual. Aha! This was my chance, so I took it. I told them about the Burgers, the OCD, got some laughs out of 'em, and then I cracked open the trans case. And y'know what, they were cool with it. It seems that they already knew a decent amount of info about the issue, and I ended up seeing some transguys at the club. (Or maybe they were just short cisguys, it's hard to tell in the lighting sometimes.)

I ended up having a drink, the effects of which were at least doubled by sweet, sweet Happy Pills, and I ended up dancing. Dude, I never dance. I have a history of anti-dance angst. Just bad school experiences, always feeling hideously out of the loop, all that good stuff. But it was a great environment, with or without the drink. Even though it was "Gay Night," there was every kind of people there: gay people, straight people, straight-looking gay people, trans people, loud people, quiet people, football player types and lanky rainbows. Everybody was cool with everybody else and I didn't feel threatened at all. And y'know, I don't mean to get corny all of a sudden, but I just had the thought that, if I ever end up in a place or situation where I feel like the world is against me, I've just gotta think back and remind myself of this one thing. A place where different people don't just tolerate each other, but celebrate experiencing life together, is not just a dream. It exists. It may be small, but it is there. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

But other than that, one of my persistent thoughts at the time was, "I want T. Now." XD But it was a good feeling. Sydney was able to surface and take control, for a little while.

Welp, I'm off to sleep. Toodles!

[Petra Jane]

Just be careful with the "Happy Pills", presumably some sort of illegal drug? How are they going to affect your proper medication, and whatever you do, don;t get hooked on them, that's a down ward spiral for sure!

[Guest Sydney_W]

Just be careful with the "Happy Pills", presumably some sort of illegal drug? How are they going to affect your proper medication, and whatever you do, don;t get hooked on them, that's a down ward spiral for sure!

Ah, I should have specified, the "happy pills" are just Zoloft for depression. They tend to increase the effects of alcohol. The one drink I had didn't get me drunk, but I did get a bigger buzz than one drink usually would give. I've been on them for about a year, as prescribed. The aforementioned depression was caused by a number of things, like being trans, Asperger's, OCD, and being lonely at college. My doc says it's in remission now, though.

I also had my psychiatrist look up the effects of Zoloft plus different kinds of T, and it doesn't look like they interfere with each other. I'm wondering if T would make me content enough to replace the antidepressants in the long run.