transitioning and acceptance

[Guest Faith gibson]

I just found myself revisiting a thread by JJ which meant so much to me a month and a half ago titled, "For Those That Cannot Transition". I think it helped a great deal initially but I find myself back in the same place of misery and self-doubt all over again.

I will say it in my words, though again I'm just repeating so many others. I have gone through a lifetime of doubt and confusion. Feeling that I don't belong. My spirits were lifted initially by being here on LP, so why does that keep falling away? I keep feeling that I am not on equal footing as others here and am not being totally accepted for the person I am.

I maybe just need more confirmation that I am being accepted as an equal. It's seems to be difficult though with some of the posts made here lately. Whether you agree or not, they tend to put those that are struggling with their place or on the fringes (not transitioned) of our community, in a hard to deal with place. And I'm not saying those posts shouldn't be made, it just seems that there is little to counterbalance their effects. I keep feeling so guilty when I admit I'm feeling poorly. Because I get advice and I can't always follow that advice. Some of the people here seem to have moved on to a happier place, which is great, but they keep saying they really are just posting to help those that are struggling. Yet they seem to get put out when you say you are having a hard time relating to that happy place they are at. (I know that probably doesn't make sense, I'm sorry).

I think back to JJ's initiial post where he states that those of us that haven't been able to move ahead into transitioning, often do not post because we feel we are not as valid. I have tried to post as much as I can so that I can feel a part of this community, help others like me, and try to come to some understanding of my own needs. Yet, for some reason, and again JJ mentioned this in his initial post, I feel my opinions are not being accepted by many here who keep claiming we are sisters and brothers in the same cause.

As a result, I have been becoming more and more hurt and, I hate to say this, but bitter over things. I don't want to be like that and I don't know why it is taking a hold in me. Especially when I think of the people that have been so helpful to me and have offered their friendship in pms, etc. It just isn't making sense to me and I'm feeling so lost.

I read a post by Drea this evening and even though she appeared to be reminded to post on topic, which again, speaks something that seems to bother me, the post made a lot of sense though. It said:

I've been watching the community for a long time. As I see it everyone has their own paths and processes they need to go to. If for nothing else just because peoples personalities are different.

I find the belief that people can just turn off the self questioning switch ignores these differences. The basic foundation of therapy after all is to talk out ones feelings with an outside observer. To explore those thoughts.

I've seen lots of folks just bury issues under claimed self acceptance and just not deal with them to only have them re-emerge later.

So there are many different paths to many different destinations and many different paths to even a single destination.

While I understand the desire to help people get over their hangups, their mental running in circles, by expressing what one believes one needs to do, in fact must do to get past it, is that people who process things differently need to go thru their process and can end up feeling they are not legitimate because they just can't do what others insist they must do. (end)

This has been something that has really been bothering me as of late, even though many of you say you in fact are not doing it, to me it seems you do. I don't feel I can transition right now. It does not make me any less the person I am inside, and I need, need, need to be accepted on some level as that person or I swear I'll go to pieces. Most of you will say that you do accept me, and I am not doubting it really, at least I'm not doubting that you would like me to believe that you believe that. I'm, for whatever reason, not feeling it, or not feeling it enough? I'm not sure.. Whether it's the tone of the post, or the lack of understanding on my part, I'm not feeling that I am with you and you are really with me. I realize this is my problem not yours.

I'm going to try to stay away from LP for awhile and see if things will ease for me somewhat. I will miss you all even if I only go for a few weeks. I won't miss some of the frustration I am feeling though. Hopefully I will be in a better frame of mind in the near future.

Bless you all over the holiday season. Be safe and take care.

Faith

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Faith,

I just want you to know that even if you want to not post here for a bit, you can feel free to pm me. I won't bite, and I really respect, and admire you. I have learned so much from you. I have also felt a lot of support from you, and I have really needed it. I am not so strong as my bravado would have you believe. I hope you can relax some and enjoy the holidays. I pray to the Gods that your holidays are joyful.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Mickey]

Yea, that was the same point I was trying to make earlier in that thread. I do hope that I've not been one to make you feel that way Faith. I do remember when I was in your position. Unable to transition. And it sucked. Real bad. Please Know this, I do understand how you feel. I felt the same way. Anything that I can do for you, please let me know. I would hate to learn too late, that I could have helped you.

[Carolyn Marie]

I don't fault anyone for wanting to step away from this stuff for awhile. I know you've struggled, Faith, and I appreciate that fact. This place, it's members and staff, aren't perfect, we make mistakes, but I think its still better than most on the Web, if not the best. We'll be here for you when you get back.

I don't recall if I've mentioned this before, but someone close to me is in much the same position as you. In a perfect world, she would transition, but will never do so. She gets by in an in-between sort of world, that I can tell you more about if you PM me. The important thing is, she is happy with the life she has. It isn't a perfect life, but who among us lives that kind of life? There is a valid place in the world for those who don't wish to, or can't transition. They deserve the same respect as anyone, everyone, else. And as we all know, things change. The one thing I've learned through the last five years, is that surprises await around every corner.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jamie61]

Faith, I hope and pray you have a joyful holiday also. I am also in between. My feelings of rush have subsided and I feel it's more important to get things right versus getting things right now.... I'm in no hurry as the ideal time was decades ago. And, there are a lot of things I want to process on before they happen... I don't want to be crushed by events when they unfold.

Take care of you!

Jamie

[Charlize]

Faith i've watched your struggle as well as the struggle of others here. We all have our own paths. Mine hasn't been without so many thorns, doubts, and setbacks. Perhaps when i try to reach out to others i use platitudes and trite pep talk. I certainly accuse myself of those failings but overall i guess i am a bit of a Polyanna. On my particular path i've tried to get myself to concentrate on the positive. Silly stuff like walk on the sunny side, here comes the sun, anything that takes me away from the melancholy and depression i know from personal experience.

There is certainly no problem on putting all this on the back burner or turning it off completely. I know i did that. After all i didn't go full time until i was in my 60's. No rush with this girl. This girl has no magic wand just big boots that she's used to slog through the manure. I've heard there are some beautiful native boots in Canada but due to the cost maybe better out of the manure.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jamie61]

I meant to also say, that doing what is right for you, to transition or not, is a beautiful thing because it's right for you. I really appreciate the gender diversity I see every day and want to say to people " I like your look or style" or something along that line but I also want to respect them, so I always try to say "Hi".

Be well,

Jamie

[Guest]

Do what is right for you, Faith.

It may not seem like it, but you are welcomed, and recognized, for who you are here on LP.

I wish you the best, of the Christmas Holiday and hope that you will return to us in the future.

If you choose not to, know that you will be missed.

Huggs, girlfren.

Joann

[gennee]

Pulling away from normal activities allows one to assess where we are in our lives. Faith, I haven't physically transitioned nor am I going to. I've found where I am want to be and am comfortable with it. I've discovered during periods like this that there's are some things we may need to come to grips with before moving ahead. What it is in your life only you can answer.

I do enjoy reading your posts. Despite the struggles, you moved ahead and have had victories. This is a tough one but one that can be conquered.

Merry Christmas!

[Guest Ky_Ki]

"Some of the people here seem to have moved on to a happier place, which is great, but they keep saying they really are just posting to help those that are struggling. Yet they seem to get put out when you say you are having a hard time relating to that happy place they are at."

This definitely seems to be the case. Then again I guess not everyone can be expected to be a good therapist. Hope to see you again around soon.

[JJ]

Faith I also hope I have not made you feel that way in spite of my earlier thread.

When people are still struggling or in pain we really do want to help but we are human and just individuals- not therapists or professionals. When we seem to condemn I think most of the time what we are really wanting is to help you find a way to feel better and less in pain but all they can offer is their own experience. And many, many of us have fought a battle with transition as well and regret the time we lost because in our case our fears and pain held us back. It isn't that we can't accept you or see you as less but because we see ourselves and our struggles in you.

It can also be hard to be an FTM here where so much is about MTF stuff. Things that are not a part of my world or want to move away from. Sometimes anti-male things are said without people really thinking about how it makes those of us going the other way feel. Sometimes as a mod I have to approve those posts. I have to really work then to remind myself that I KNOW that I am accepted here. That people do care and are not actually aiming the comments at me. "Testosterone poisoning" is a phrase frequently used here for example. It was especially bad and I did get hurt-badly a couple of times when I was still struggling with transitioning and my inability to do so. So often when we come here and find we can open up we find ourselves raw with the emotion we have suppressed or been unable to show elsewhere. I can't say that plays a part for those who feel pressured or not accepted, I only know it was so for me.

But so many of us do care about you. Want to help all we can. It's just that we can only speak from our own experiences and knowledge - it is never intended to devalue yours. I can promise you that you are as valued and accepted here as any member here. What we do believe is that as long as these issues are still causing so much pain and depression in someone's life then they have not yet reached the point where they need to be, Have not found their individual solution. We can accept however you find to live with your gender issues that brings you peace. It is not you or your situation we are opposing but the struggles with the pain and depression they are causing you now. Simply because we DO care about you.

I guess that is the bottom line. We are here because we are want to help but we are not therapists or professionals. We are just other trans people doing the best we know. And sometimes failing-which hurts us too.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest michelestark]

I will admit that there are times I feel out of place here due to the fact that I haven't really had any struggles with people accepting me or really lost any friends or family. There are quite a few times that I can't really relate just because I haven't dealt with not being accepted. I try as hard as I can to try to understand and empathize with those who do face those struggles. I admit I have it quite easy eve though my marriage ended due to my being trans my ex is still a really good friend. My struggles seem to lie I'm myself and only I can overcome them but I do try to help others just because I do understand that it is very hard to just be yourself. I don't care who or what you are if anyone needs a friend I am willing to take up that spot.

I civet the most respect to those who don't transition and who floataround in the middle of the gender spectrum. That has to be a very hard place to actually find your happiness. I'm sure it is the most confusing place to be. Please know that I'm here for everyone and I will always do my best to make sure that I stay sensitive to others.