I'm a paradox

[Guest]

all my life I tried so hard to not be noticed, I hate people noticing me. And yet, i'm different and since I've started RLT everybody (all 100) person at my work notice me everyday (or it feel like it).

I've been 2 weeks on vacation and now I have to go back to work monday.

I'm soooooo scared. I'm kind of the 7 year old child who get beaten because of how she is, the 14 year old teen who gets laughed at because of how she talk... It's like no matter how hard I try to put the scared, always in defense mode person it come back sooner or later. arggg.

happily there's also the somewhat rebellious woman named Marie who like the situation.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Oh brother please don't tell me this is going to happen to me...

I've been in the spotlight continuously since I was two and have only ever wanted to sidestep it. Really would prefer hrt to not thrust me back in it. :-/

[Guest Mickey]

As a guy I hated having to deal with people. I always wanted to be left alone in the background. Since I started HRT I am completely different. And I like it now. It's really weird. But it's me and it's ok.

[Guest]

it's not hrt it's living in real life as a girl and not really passing. I'm the "transgender" of the place... lol Sometimes it feel like being in a freak show in a circus.

[Charlize]

I know the feeling but have also found that i'm just another cog in the wheel. If i keep thinking of myself as the only person who is unique i get stuck. Each person in any group i attend is as unique as i am. Each worries about what others think. I was unique when male. I may stand out a bit more to start just like someone who has grown a beard or shaved his head but with a bit of time it's just me. The trick is to somehow walk through the fear. When i've managed to do that it has simply seemed to work out.

We are all part of the "greatest show on earth", whether cis or trans.

Hugs,

Charlize

[JJ]

Then hardest part of transition for me-and many others I think-is the early time after starting RLT or HRT. We need to be aware of it and plan for it. Our curiosity is postulated to be part of what made our species successful and is an innate part of human nature so people are going to pay attention when we change. And when we don't completely fit norms.

There is no magic wand that will take us from one gender presentation to another overnight. It takes months to get it right. Even if you went from full on guy to prefect woman overnight you'd still get attention because the body language and inflections and way of speaking -a thousand little things would be wrong. That is the bad news about transition- it's a time when you are really not fish or fowl but in between as far as how you come across. And people are going to be curious. Not necessarily rude or rejecting- just curious. And not for long really. With people you are around all the time they move on to the next thing within a short time.

The upside of transition is that because of our brains the new gender presentation comes easier and more naturally so re-socializing and unlearning all the false body language etc comes faster than learning the wrong stuff ever dud. We have to in a very real sense go through another adolescence figuring out where and how we fit. But a much shorter and more productive one with all the maturity that our life experiences have given us.

But through it all for me was thee feeling that it was finally traveling in the right direction even if that part of the road was rough. Of being right at last. It helped to remind myself that it was just something I had to go through to get where I wanted and it was not where I woukd always be. Now for me that time is a fading memory.Seemed so long at the time and so short now.

It also taught me a couple of things. First that I really don't mind attention anymore as I once did. Before I felt wrong with myself and was driven to try to fit in and be normal. I have come to realize I actually don't like any of the people who are totally normal. I don't want to be one. And the second thing I discovered is that you can rapidly shift attention from yourself to others by shifting the focus to them instead. Ask about their day, or their family. Care about how they are doing and show it and suddenly you are a nice person to them and they will forget about your situation to talk about themselves.

When someone has plastic surgery they have to go around with bruises and swelling and looking awful for awhile in order to ultimately feel better. We have to go through this time to get better too. Only our better is all the way through to the soul rather than skin deep. Has been for me anyway. An worth it. Just adding cream that it also made me wiser and stronger in the process.

Johnny

[Guest Jamie61]

Hi Marie, I hope you had a good day today! I spent last weekend out and about in my own hair for the first time, which is really still kinda short... So while I felt a little less "passing as female to others" I did feel a lot more "real" to me! So it was good and I was very happy and confident. I didn't care what people thought, I was comfortable I hope you felt that way today!

Love,

Jamie

[Guest April Kristie]

Marie, you are the poster child for T people at your place of work. Someday that novelyt will fade away, and they will just see you as you, I too am a poster child, I am 6'8" and have always been gawked at. Did I hate it? Heck yeah, how many questions about " what is your height" is downright annoying because people have very little to say to you if you tell them. Now I am asked very few times, if people were shocked when I walked into the room before, now they are utterly flabbergasted and I do not really care. I am sure your Monday went fine.

[Guest KerryUK]

..........now they are utterly flabbergasted and I do not really care...........

Good for you April - I loved reading your post. I thought to myself 'she is so upbeat and confident'.

Kerry x.

[Guest KerryUK]

Soliloque,

We are all different as human beings - that's what makes this world such a wonderful place to live in. There have been some very good replies to your posts already and I'm going to add to them.

When we first start out on our journey, it truly is a very scary and daunting experience with hundreds of 'what-ifs'. To begin with, we get 'those' stares and feel awkward resulting in lower confidence levels. As time goes by and we develop through HRT and learning how to deal with situations - we suddenly discover that we are 'passing' much more. This in turn helps with our confidence. Okay, there are still the odd pit fall where somebody 'outs' us or slips up with pronouns and wham - down crashes that confidence again (for a few day perhaps). BUT. We learn from it and move on and that confidence increases again.

All of a sudden, you realise that everything seems to (simply put) just feel normal and almost mundane. I am at this stage. I'm now at almost 22 months into RLE and 19 months into HRT. When I walk into places now, I'm addressed and treated as a woman - that still catches me out and makes me feel wonderful and I realise that it has all been worth it. Do I get 'outed'? Yes, it's normally my voice. Does it bother me? Not really. Why? Because I am finally me, I am treated the way I have always wanted to be treated and I am very very happy. Do others see me as a freak? Probably, but I am not bothered because I am just different and different is interesting. I've found recently, that people (often strangers) smile much more and are more friendly towards me probably because I smile and (I hope) that I'm interesting AND happy. Would I go back to who I was before? NO WAY - I like the person I have become (a happy and confident woman).

Kerry x.

[Guest]

these days i'm working on not being scared or ashamed of myself.

today I went to work with no makeup for the first time since the end of september when I started full time RLE.

I love makeup and all those things but it's important to me that I do it for the right reasons, I don't want makeup to be another way to hide.

so yeah that's it, thank you everybody for your great answers and reactions