Sexual Harassment. Woo frickin hoo.

[Guest JennaR]

Hello folks. I wanted to update you all. I have now worked 4 full weeks as a woman. I found out my company has no hair color policy (woohoo!) so this happened (pardon the lighting, which makes my face look horrible):

I could not be more in love with my hair.

Anywho, I had been fitting in smashingly and loving being treated like a woman at work and everywhere else. I know eventually I'll get used to it, and won't even notice it, but right now it makes me incredibly happy. Right up until I got whacked with the short end of the woman stick, sexual harassment.

We have two trainers working with us right now, a female manager/trainer, and a male assistant trainer/same level employee as us. Let's call them Bob and Sue. On Wednesday, in front of our entire training class of 23 people, Bob was talking to Sue about me. Bob used "he" multiple times. "He's doing this", "he's doing that". After several times of this I spoke up and corrected him. We go on with the day.

I found out the next day, Thursday, that Bob had angered quite a few people in the class by misgendering me. Later Wednesday one of the ladies in the class had apparently confronted him and demanded he apologize. At the very end of the day on Thursday, as everyone was leaving and Sue was out of the room working on something, Bob asked me to wait for a moment. I figured he wanted to apologize in private.

He did actually apologize. He said he was very sorry, and that he fully acknowledges me as a woman (maybe I should have mentioned this earlier, I'm not stealth at all). Since no one at this job has ever known me as anyone but Jenna, I asked him why he would ever apply wrong-gendered terminology to me. He told me that some of my behavior was too masculine and that if I wanted to be perceived as and fully treated as a woman in the workplace, I needed to adjust my conduct and behave in a more ladylike fashion.

I got upset, but left promptly without saying anything about it. As Thursday evening wore on, I got more and more upset. When I went in Friday I was extremely upset, humiliated, and severely uncomfortable just being in the training room. Everyone could tell I was very upset, which hasn't abated in the slightest.

To his credit, Bob realized how badly he messed up and apparently he went to Sue first and told her what had happened (though I don't know this yet at this point in the story). At lunch, Tori, the manager (I adore) who actually hired me came in and asked me to go with her. We went in a conference room and she tried to get me to tell her what was wrong. I refused to, for several reasons, but I sat there and cried for quite a while. Eventually I calmed down and she gave up, and I went back to class.

About an hour later Sue took me out of the room to a private space. She tried to get me to tell her what happened, and initially I refused. That's when she told me Bob had already told her what happened (and proved that it wasn't a ploy to get the truth from me). So I told her everything, and cried some more.

In our work area, everyone is sat in "teams" assigned to a manager. They've assigned us all to the various teams, and on Friday I had also found out that I had the luck of being assigned to the same manager Bob works under. This means that I'll be sitting at least in the general area of Bob on the work floor. I told Tori I wanted to request a different manager so I could be elsewhere, but she said she couldn't help me unless I told her what happened and made a formal complaint (which I don't want to do).

I'm torn about how to act now. The whole incident has shattered my confidence. I'm still extremely upset, to the point where I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I have no idea what to do, or how I should react. I don't know how a normal, reasonable woman would react to this situation, so I can't judge whether I've responded appropriately thus far or if I've overreacted to what is probably a relatively minor incident because I'm hypersensitive about my gender.

I know, as a woman, I'll have to put up with a certain level of crap at work and elsewhere. We live in a patriarchy, it sucks, but that's life. I'm wondering if this is one of those minor things I should just not do anything about, or if it's serious enough that I should take some sort of action. I'm lost. I don't have a lifetime of socialization as a woman that would prepare me to evaluate and respond appropriately to things like this, which is why I'm hoping you fine ladies and gentlemen might have some sage advice.

Jenna

P.S. I'm long-winded; I know. I apologize.

[Guest actuarylilium]

Hi Jenna,

I know I've only just started working, so I really have no right to be giving you any advice... But what he said is simply unacceptable, and I'm really sorry about what happened to you

You need to be able to go in work, and if not enjoy it, at least feel safe and reasonably happy. Otherwise you'll have no motivation and you might as well not be there. I know it's difficult, but I wouldn't read the riot act yet. Try speakinb to Bob agin, and make it clear you're not happy with what he said - that it really upset you. If he's unresponsive or you still don't feel happy about the whole thing... Then make a complaint and unleash the forces of hell!

I hope you get this resolved

Hugs, Lily xxx

[Guest JennaR]

Sadly, I'm not at all good with confrontation and standing up for myself. My natural urge is to avoid him as much as possible and try to get far away. There are probably healthier courses of action, though.

Jenna

[Guest JennaR]

Also, I'm especially bad at standing up to men, the result of years of abuse and PTSD.

Jenna

[Charlize]

Jenna sorry you are facing this stuff but as pretty as you are i'm sure this one guy's attitude will be far behind in short order. It sounds like you have good support elsewhere. Pity that one person who simply doesn't understand can cause us such discomfort, hopefully time will bring understanding

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest JennaR]

I know. I believe emotionally I'm reacting to it worse than a normal woman would, especially since I just went full time and this is the very first incidence of being treated like crap at work that I've run into. Three years from now I'm sure I'd have a different reaction if this happened. That's why I don't want to file any kind of complaint, which I told them. I just don't want to be near this gentleman on a permanent basis.

I still feel horrible. I was starting to have a bit of confidence that yes, I can do this. Just walking out the door every morning has been scary but after a month I was feeling better. Now I don't. He made me feel like a man in a dress, like a failure, and like a freak. I don't think he should be punished for that, because those are my issues and they're not his responsibility.

Oh, and there may have been a second incident that I didn't even know about (forgot to mention it before). When Sue first sat down with me and asked me what was wrong, I said I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about it. She asked me if I was upset about the bathroom incident the day before. I have NO idea what she was talking about. Nothing ever happened in the bathroom while I was in there, and nobody came to me talking about the bathroom. Her question came as completely out of left field as possible. Now I have to wonder what in the world may have happened in the bathroom that somehow involves me, even though I apparently wasn't there. I wonder if perhaps there was an argument over my right to be there, and that makes me feel horrible too. I just lack the courage I need to hold my head high and say intercourse those people.

Jenna

[VickySGV]

Just a little thought from someone who has been in your supervisor's shoes. A formal complaint will not necessarily result in someone being disciplined or fired. This type of complaint gave me as the administrator, justification for funding of additional training from upper management. It also gave me parameters for work planning as a team leader, and it helped me to assign and monitor work progress and effectiveness. I had too much to do to really want to fire or screw up my employees. I did care for all of my employees, and represented them to upper management as an effective work unit. When I sat down with an employee who had made errors of judgement that had created poor work morale, I could give them goals that both of us could measure and evaluate. Give your supervisor benefit of the doubt, and you could end up making a good work environment even better.

The hair is really cute by the way!! I have a picture in my gallery with a wig on that is that color and I have so much fun with it.

[Guest April Kristie]

While what Bob said must have been totally shocking, and hard to hear face to face, he had no right what so ever to say it. And I think you know that. That aside we cannot run from these low lives or they will do it again and again. You have to stand tall and show this bozo that you ARE a better woman than he ever thought you could be. Hiding under a rock or cow towing to this attitude is just saying , Bob do that to me again. I know you said this was hard for you and I am not in your pumps, but my feeling is that you have to stand up for yourself, and face the world you know you belong in. When I worked, I worked for a large multinational company at corporate, there was a business like environment and if anyone pulled this sort of thing they were sat down by HR and had their privates whacked so they would not do it again, and the company would then know who the bad apples were. Be strong sister!

[Ravin]

I think you should make the complaint. It will give the management a documented record. He'll likely be a jerk to someone else in the future, and it's multiple incidents that lead to serious discipline, not just one. It could also get more training as mentioned above. You should do it, not just for yourself, but for all the women who have to work with Bob.