Connecting With Other Transguys

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I feel you on that one. I most definitely do. I want to meet some guys too. I have a few internet friends, but overall, none that I can really talk to. I believe that is why we're all here. To help each other out, and be friends with each other.

I'm still trying to figure out if I am in fact trans or not. Right now, I'm just doing a lot of self work to keep myself afloat.

Well, you're in the right place for meeting some nice folks, MTF, FTM, and everywhere in between. You'll find your place. I'll be your bud, regardless of whether you are trans or not.

[Guest Pól_Eire]

I appreciate the need and value of trans-only or GLBTQ-only spaces, but I also don't think it is productive to be total separatists. In a lot of cases, I think my straight friends would really like some of the transguys I know...whether they knew they were transguys or not (some dudes are stealth). The way I see it, every straight, non-trans person we meet and connect with on an individual level is one more person who won't be able to dismiss us so easily. I think it's important for mainstream culture to not see the GLBTQ community as some group of extremists. Then it makes it seem more reasonable to deny us marriage rights and to treat us as different....subversive. I could go on and on about this, but I will stop here.

I have such mixed feelings about stealth. Maybe I'll start a thread about it sometime when I don't have 50,000,000,000 things to do.

You're right, you and I do agree about a lot of this. I don't have much experience with the "straight people are evil" thing, because I think a lot of times I get seen as one of those evil straight people

I think sometimes the best defense against transphobia (or just plain "weirded-out-ness" without necessarily the intensity of "phobia") is just getting to know a person.

A story for demonstration: I had to be out to my two roommates this past summer for administrative reasons. They both already knew each other and I knew neither of them. After about two days, one of them came up to me and said: "we really weren't sure what you were going to be like or how far along in your transition you were going to be, but I was talking to [Joe] this morning and we were just like 'he's a dude.'" After that, my trans-ness basically became a non-issue. I got to know them and my being trans just didn't matter, despite the fact that neither of them had ever knowingly met a trans person before, much less lived with one for months. Actually, one of the strangest conversations I had with [John] was about how he identified much more with the queer counter-culture but was straight, whereas I, a transguy, felt like I didn't really fit into that counter culture at all. I fully acknowledge that it doesn't always go down this way, but it can.

I, like you also I think, think that when you deliberately Other yourself, you open yourself up to being further Othered by others. I'll stop here, but I could go on for awhile.

Do start the thread on stealth if you have time. Having now done it for two years, I have some of my own thoughts about it, but I'd love to hear other people's thoughts and experiences.

-Pól

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

You're right, you and I do agree about a lot of this. I don't have much experience with the "straight people are evil" thing, because I think a lot of times I get seen as one of those evil straight people

I think sometimes the best defense against transphobia (or just plain "weirded-out-ness" without necessarily the intensity of "phobia") is just getting to know a person.

A story for demonstration: I had to be out to my two roommates this past summer for administrative reasons. They both already knew each other and I knew neither of them. After about two days, one of them came up to me and said: "we really weren't sure what you were going to be like or how far along in your transition you were going to be, but I was talking to [Joe] this morning and we were just like 'he's a dude.'" After that, my trans-ness basically became a non-issue. I got to know them and my being trans just didn't matter, despite the fact that neither of them had ever knowingly met a trans person before, much less lived with one for months. Actually, one of the strangest conversations I had with [John] was about how he identified much more with the queer counter-culture but was straight, whereas I, a transguy, felt like I didn't really fit into that counter culture at all. I fully acknowledge that it doesn't always go down this way, but it can.

I, like you also I think, think that when you deliberately Other yourself, you open yourself up to being further Othered by others. I'll stop here, but I could go on for awhile.

Do start the thread on stealth if you have time. Having now done it for two years, I have some of my own thoughts about it, but I'd love to hear other people's thoughts and experiences.

-Pól

I think I was privy to the "straight people are evil" thing because I met these people in a specifically trans group, so I was seen as something other than purely straight. I think straight transpeople fit into a unique category in many people's minds because we are different in that we are socially and medically transitioning (often but not always). What we want is to blend and fit in. Many want to be "just guys" or "just girls" and nothing more. In my case, I think that my experiences as a TG person are a rich and important part of my overall person. However, I also don't want those experiences to necessarily be the central focus of my life. That's just me. I respect and admire those who embrace open activism. People like Harvey Milk are inspiring. It's just that not all of us have the personality and skills to fit into that role. In my case, I'm a quiet spirit...not really a banner waver. On issues I think are important, you won't move me...but I'm not the guy you want leading the charge. We all have our roles.

My approach has been kind of similar to yours, but I don't have the option to be stealth right now. I'm transitioning kind of out in the open. The cool thing has been that I've managed to educate a lot of people and show them that TG people aren't all like the crazies you see on television. I'm well-adjusted and not at all weird...not really. I think people don't realize how damaging that "us" and "them" thinking really is. It was the basis for the holocaust. When you see people as "other", you stop seeing them as individuals...and that opens the door to all kinds of other badness.

I will start that stealth thread soon, but need time to think it out. I have complex thoughts and feelings on it. Stay tuned. I'll probably put it in the general forum.