So nervous for tonight

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I have my Citizens Police Academy starting tonight in 4 hours. I have all my makeup done, and my apparel. I looked in the mirror and while I don't like my lipstick colour, I quite like what I see.

What do you lot think??

[tracy_j]

Looking very nice - clean complexion (nothing overdone) - I like what I see as well

I hope things go well!

Tracy x

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Great restraint in make up use. You look fantastic, quite pretty in fact. I wish my skin looked that youthful. The wig looks real, and matches your complexion well. I think that it isn't quite fair that you look so good, I didn't look good until I had been on hormones for months. I believe that you will be visually passing, no problem. You look like a young lady cop, so no problems as far as I can see.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Thanks Ladies ... just so nervous of being clocked. I think I was clocked earlier today, but that could just be me.

I'll let you know how it goes. It's probably going to go better then I think, but I think we can all agree that we are our worst enemies in this aspect.

God Bless

Natalya <3

[Guest Jamie61]

You look great!

[Guest]

You look lovely dear.

Huggs,

Joann

[gennee]

You look fine, Natalya.

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Natalya,

Your photo looks beautiful.

I hope that you enjoy the Citizens Police Academy.

I have been away for sometime, and I hope that your transition is going well.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Jamie61]

How did it go? Thinking bout you, hope you had confidence!

Jamie

[VickySGV]

Very acceptable and appropriate. Good luck. You will be fine in a Cis environment from what I see there.

[Guest Kayla Grace]

The first class went well. I didn't really have anyone approach me or give me off looks, but that doesn't mean I was passing. I talked to one of the officers at random and it so happened that he was part of the HR department. I wanted to talk to them about gender discrimination or disqualifications, and he didn't really understand, so I decided to out myself to him. He didn't really give me a definitive answer, but the vibe I got was that the clocked me, but it wasn't painfully obvious. Perhaps it's my voice or another minor detail I overlooked. Anyways, he said that being transgender definitely wasn't hurting my chances; in fact he said it might be an asset, because although he has dealt with transgenders before, he doesn't have the depth of understanding of trans* that I do. I want to get the job because I'm qualified, and not because I bring Trans to the table. But hey, whatever gets my foot in the door, right?

Passing considered, I think it went well. Granted, nobody really talked to me except officers, but they were very nice and I don't think there's a safer place possible to present en femme. I'm looking forward to all of the next classes and the knowledge they bring

God Bless

Natalya <3

[tracy_j]

That's good to hear Natalya

After feeling so nervous it must feel good to have been and made progress. I know whenever I do something like that it takes me several visits before I begin to relax (and that is in my birth male state!)

All good experience as well

Tracy x

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hey all! I'm back from the CPA. Now for the Good, the Bad, and the ugly.

The good:

It was very informative about police and the media, and the 9-1-1 calling function. I got to tour a real 9-1-1 call centre. Next week, I get to write a test that deals with writing and spelling. I've always had quite a good aptitude for such things, but I'm still going to do some research. I also got some makeup tips from my best friend's mother, whom I have become quite close to despite some recent events. My avatar is one that she took while I was at her house. She did my makeup this week, but next, I'll give it a shot

The bad:

This may not be bad exactly ... but it's not good. On my way out, I was shaking an officer's hand as a form of goodbye, and he asked if I was writing the test next week - to which I confirmed I was. He said "thata bo- thata girl!"

...

A few things come to mind. One? Is that I'm being clocked, and everyone is in the room has figured it out, and is paying no heed. Second? only he has clocked me. Third? he clocked me because he's a high ranking police officer; and he was able to pick out the fine details.

I don't really much care how he knew besides for trivial reasons, because I'm just that comfortable in that environment. And the more I go out dressed as female me, the easier things will get. I was a bit too shaken up at the time to ask him to explain himself.

What am I doing wrong?

The Ugly:

I came home about 2 hours before I had to leave for CPA, and my mom seen me dressed. "What the hell are you doing? Are you wearing a wig??"

"Yes I am."

This actually translates to a bit of a positive, because now that the cat's out of the bag, I can walk around as me.

God Bless

Kayla Grace <3

P.S. I'm going to upload a bonus picture I snapped right before I took my makeup off. it's in my gallery. That one, and my avatar one were snapped today.

[Carolyn Marie]

Natalya, my best advice is to not over think what happened at the facility. So what if he did clock you? He corrected himself, he was polite, and no one else seems have paid any mind. Being clocked, whether or not anyone says anything, is part and parcel of being trans unless one is very lucky with their looks. Not knowing more about your presentation I couldn't even guess the reason he clocked you, if he did. You aren't necessarily doing anything "wrong."

What happened with your mom was bound to happen sooner or later, especially if you are going out publicly dressed en femme. Its probably not the best way for her to discover the truth, but you can't shove the genie back in the bottle now. Aside from walking around as you, I suggest you sit down with her and have a serious conversation.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Natalya, my best advice is to not over think what happened at the facility. So what if he did clock you? He corrected himself, he was polite, and no one else seems have paid any mind. Being clocked, whether or not anyone says anything, is part and parcel of being trans unless one is very lucky with their looks.

I'm going to second this. I'm sure you want to, many of us do it, but don't over-think that exchange. He corrected himself, which is better than some would do. Remember to focus on the positive. Very early in transition, you're going to get clocked. I think every one of us had it happen at some point. Don't over-analyze it and don't let it get you down (which it doesn't sound like it did but I'm just re-emphasizing it for people reading).

[Guest Kayla Grace]

At this point, it's more of a "what am I doing wrong so I can tweak it" kind of thing. Find out my weaknesses in passing so I can cater to them, know what I mean?

I suppose I kind of hoped that I could just dress up en femme and start passing right away ... I guess I was wrong in that aspect. I think it's my voice to be honest, though I'm told things like voice matter very little.

I watched many of the females there, and with things like walking, outside of the "swaying hips" which I have down, their arms swing forwards to back. I usually just hold my arms in front of me when I walk and don't have anything to carry.

What happened with your mom was bound to happen sooner or later, especially if you are going out publicly dressed en femme. Its probably not the best way for her to discover the truth, but you can't shove the genie back in the bottle now. Aside from walking around as you, I suggest you sit down with her and have a serious conversation.

She didn't find out the truth just yesterday persay. she's known for months that I'm transitioning genders, but this is just the first time she's caught me dressed up. I think that mostly the reason I didn't want her to notice me dressed is because when she tells me "I don't like it, I hope it's a phase", I'm not very inclined to shoving it in her face. She's also very stubborn and her views are set in stone. I'm waiting for her to tell me "It's not right", like she's told me about other things that she finds ludacris, such as me or my SO spending time and being friends with the opposite sex without the other one present.

I think that her catching me was a good thing. I'm not sure if I would have had the guts to upfront present it to her, and having other family members be with me when I present it to her seems a little wrong to me; because as much as I abhor and despise her views and unshakeable opinions, she's still my mother and I love her to death. I only get one mother, and she's not going to last forever.

I can only hope that she can accept the girl that's been buried for 23 years ... because at the end of the day, she's coming out whether mom likes it or not.

God Bless

Kayla Grace <3

[Charlize]

We are often "clocked" especially early in the game when unfortunately it hurts the most. The good thing is that it only gets better with time. We not only pass better but as i found real acceptance of myself that included my past. I am after all a trans woman. A woman yes but i'm not cis and that can be a positive as well if i look at it that way.

Give yourself and your mom some time as well. Who knows this may be a phase( perhaps a lifetime one). She loves you as well as you love her and with time and gentleness she may become an ally even if she had dreams of what her "son" would become. This is often hardest to those whom we are the closest. Being caught may be the best thing that could happen.

Hugs,

Charlize

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Kayla (I might like Natalya better though),

I know about the difficulties in passing early on, I knew I was kinda sensitive about it, and so I waited until I had been on hormones for nearly four months before even attempting to pass. I think from my experience, and the experiences of my closest friends, it is voice that is the most important to getting gendered correctly. I seem to pass very well, but I think that it is my voice that is the final determinant for people assigning me to being female. You can pass well even if your appearance is just okay at first glance; as long as your voice, mannerisms, and body language all line up to support it. That is just my .02 dollars, I just hope this is helpful.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Kayla Grace]

We are often "clocked" especially early in the game when unfortunately it hurts the most. The good thing is that it only gets better with time. We not only pass better but as i found real acceptance of myself that included my past. I am after all a trans woman. A woman yes but i'm not cis and that can be a positive as well if i look at it that way.

Give yourself and your mom some time as well. Who knows this may be a phase( perhaps a lifetime one). She loves you as well as you love her and with time and gentleness she may become an ally even if she had dreams of what her "son" would become. This is often hardest to those whom we are the closest. Being caught may be the best thing that could happen.

Hugs,

Charlize

As bad as it may sound, as sensitive and deep that I am, I've always had "thick skin". Both figuratively and literally. I've always grown up with a very judgemental family and being bullied, so I suppose (as Arnold Schwarzenegger once said) "my struggles have developed my strengths", and I have never hated anyone unless they have given me compelling evidence to think otherwise. Maybe you're right? Maybe mom might become an ally. Maybe dad might become an ally. I'm not going to hold my breath because it's what they've taught me to do, but the spark of hope is always there.

Hi Kayla (I might like Natalya better though),

I know about the difficulties in passing early on, I knew I was kinda sensitive about it, and so I waited until I had been on hormones for nearly four months before even attempting to pass. I think from my experience, and the experiences of my closest friends, it is voice that is the most important to getting gendered correctly. I seem to pass very well, but I think that it is my voice that is the final determinant for people assigning me to being female. You can pass well even if your appearance is just okay at first glance; as long as your voice, mannerisms, and body language all line up to support it. That is just my .02 dollars, I just hope this is helpful.

hugs,

Stephanie

I know, Stephie. You can always call me Natalya if you want. I understand and don't mind . Even if I don't have my name listed as Natalya, I'll always respond to and associate with said name

I think that given my procrastination nature, if I don't delve right into this, I'll find some very compelling evidence to NOT do it. I mean, putting on make up just to go to the CPA is a chore enough, and I'm not even the one doing it for crying out loud!! Imagine doing it daily to go to work, or on weekends to go to the bank, or Costco, or a friend's house? Sure, I like pretty individuals, and like to look pretty, but all in all it seems like a chore sometimes. Know what I mean?

I'm so glad you pass well given your age. I was legitamately worried, and am so glad you don't get clocked

I'm trying to find some voice coaching - because we are our worst critics -, and Smectic Sarah has indirectly given me a possible resource, but I've been having some issues getting it to upload. Plus, I'm trying to have my second session of hair removal ... I can't possibly wait two weeks now as I have CPA every week, so I might have to resort to the razor again until I can have electrolysis or laser. I don't have very many dark hairs as opposed to light ones, so we'll have to see what happens.

God Bless

Kayla Grace <3

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I think that given my procrastination nature, if I don't delve right into this, I'll find some very compelling evidence to NOT do it. I mean, putting on make up just to go to the CPA is a chore enough, and I'm not even the one doing it for crying out loud!! Imagine doing it daily to go to work, or on weekends to go to the bank, or Costco, or a friend's house? Sure, I like pretty individuals, and like to look pretty, but all in all it seems like a chore sometimes. Know what I mean?

It is a chore, and a necessary evil until the beard shadow is gone. I wore makeup every day, like it or not, for two years before laser. I didn't like it, but I wanted to pass so I did it.

Also the more I did it, the better I got at it and it took less time once I got the technique down. But like I said, I was wearing it daily no matter what.

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hi all,

I'm back from the CPA and my meeting with Spencer.

Last night we learned things regarding traffic and internal affairs including public complaints.

There's so much to tell for the traffic. we learned the tactics to where units are dispatched, and at what time. I learned that the Harley Davidson Police Motorcycles are 1850 cc (!!!), that they have "CSI's" in terms of recreating the crash - which was beyond amazing. We also had an option to arrive an hour early to write an HR test that may or may not be the real test. We had a half hour to complete a test of 40 words, and rewrite them if they were spelt incorrectly. I've never written an essay so quickly in my life. I think I did a bangup job given the circumstances, but I'll find out in about 3 weeks if I passed or not.

We learned that the region loses money for pulling over someone going 10km over the speed limit. While this may have motivated me to go 10 over, they showed us a video of two people crashing: one was at 60kmp/h, the other was at 65. an 18 wheeler blocked their path, and when forced to use their breaks, one crashed into the 18 wheeler going 27 kmp/h, and the other was only going 5kmp/h. Care to wager a guess on who hit at what?

We also learned how long it takes to arrest individuals that have been caught driving under the influence. about 5 hours, for one dui charge. Wow. I even got to test a blood alcohol device (which totally resulted in me losing lipstick, btw!) and I felt this weird feeling of happiness when I blew a zero.

That basically concludes this week at CPA. I asked the officer what happened last week. I did my best to make it clear to him that I only wanted to know so I could make improvements in my presentation (think Lizzie's thread "two heads are better then one"). He told me that he had legitimately made a mistake, and apologized. He told me "you present fine."

Moving on, I inquired about my ride along request and it might have gotten lost ... lol? Anyways, I got the supervisor of said opportunity to get me another ride along form, and she co-ordinated that it be sent to her. While I was filling it out, I was reminded of my trans status. I inquired to the staff sergeant (the one who misgendered me) about how to proceed with it. He said "fill it out, hand it to me, and I'll process it for you." That was certainly nice of him.

My meeting this morning with Spencer was ... less fruitfull. We really only talked about my and my girlfriend's "unofficial" breakup, and past events such as us cheating on each other simultaneously. I really couldn't think of anything else to bring up, and he didn't have anything for me. The subject of HRT and a gender marker change was mentioned briefly. We think that from a legal standpoint if he writes my doctor a letter saying that my gender assigned at birth doesn't match the gender I identify with, and will be a good evidence for persuading the medical professionals that HRT is necessary. While I would rather have HRT before a marker change, progress is progress. I'll try and persuade him for the former because it will help me more right now then the latter.

I can't think of anything else. I'll see what I can do about uploading some new pictures. My "makeup professional" is a good friend of mine. She's an amazing woman, she braided my hair, did my makeup, and even gave me some makeup to play with. She did such an amazing job!. God Bless her.

God Bless

Kayla <3

[tracy_j]

An interesting post following your progress!

You seem to have things under control

I find the police side of things interesting as I can compare a little with things over here and get some of the feel of a different approach following the same issues.

Carry on the good work!

Tracy x

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hi all,

A bit late, but this week we had a special event that I'd been looking forward to since we'd learned about it.

A tour of the range!

It was much more then just a range. There was a small room for hostage clearing situations, and tactical training. We even got a chance to fire a training gun! I also learned that the police issued weapons fire a .40 caliber as opposed to the .45 I thought they'd be issued. We were required to wear glasses, ear protection, and a vest; which I'm not surprised about. the vest wasn't as heavy as I imagined it would be. It was actually quite negligable.

We also learned about auxiliary officers. Simply put, auxiliary officers are volunteers that, if chosen, are given the same training as police officers: they have the same powers, a very close uniform and hat (the only difference is "Auxiliary" is on said person's uniform), and they carry everything a police officer carries besides lethal and legislative items like a gun, taser, and pepper spray.

Becoming an Auxiliary would IMMENSELY help in my goal for officer, so I'm going to try my bestt to get in!!

We also learned about tech crime. Not much to say here, besides the tech crime has been skyrocketing, and we seen how offenders can hide their prohibited content such as child pornography, and the measures that the forensics lab has to go through sometimes in order to get the truth!

The last thing we had was the canine unit come in - which wasn't in the schedule. They were scheduled for the 11th week, but the staff sergeant pulled him in that night because them meeting schedules outside of work is a hit or miss. But in the 11th week, it's planned that the canine unit will come in and show us a demonstration of their drug sniffing dogs. Here's also to hoping that they have a search and rescue demo as well!!

The next big thing I'm looking forward to is week 11. Not only because of the possible canine demo, but because it's the physical training test that I signed up for. If I didn't mention it, I wrote an HR test that consisted of an essay to write, and 40 spelling words that I had to correct if they weren't spelled properly. I've never written an essay so quickly in my life! We were given half an hour total to complete the testing. They said give them 3-4 weeks to mark them. I'm hoping I passed; one more asset to police officer if I did!!

That concludes my week at CPA. It was an immense pleasure to be there this week, and I learned from the Staff Sergeant - the one who misgendered me. Somehow, I feel we have a special connection. who knew - that my ride along request had been submitted. He also gave me (at my request) advice on becoming a police officer.

"Get out and meet all the kinds of people. Get the experience working with people. Get the good instances - and the bad ones you turned good - to bring up in the interview. The hardest part of the interview is the character part. You'll be asked thorough in depth questions that there's no way to study for. And it's all going to be checked into; lying will disqualify you.

I think I have some work to do. Becoming an auxiliary officer will expose me to hundreds if not thousands of people in my volunteer work. It will also give me some great references!

And as promised, I snapped a picture of me! I did my own makeup this time, and it appears good enough. It's of me in my body armor right before I went into the range!

Am I rocking this bullet proof vest or what!?

God Bless

Kayla <3

[tracy_j]

Looking at things Kayla, it seems that many things are similar over there to what they are here with the police organisation with Auxiliary officers (PCSO's here), who don't have access to firearms or taser and also the big rise in IT based crime.

I'm glad you are making good progress - Good luck for continued progress

Tracy x

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Tracy,

This whole presenting female thing is actually starting to become normal to me now. I really hate not wearing my breast forms or my trusty bra and wig. Granted, I don't wear my wig unless I leave the house. It gets all around me when I sit or lie down in my room, and tying it is only temportary. I'd look pretty weird walking around with C sized breasts and a shaved head! I'm trying to grow my hair out, but it doesn't seem to grow very quickly. It does grow thick, so once it does get longer it'll be nice. God Bless whoever invented hair tying products!

God Bless

Kayla <3