transition within marriage: welcome to homophobia

[Ravin]

I had to take my husband to the emergency room last night. When something similar occurred a year and a half ago, my accompanying him was met with "you're his wife?" A couple of times, and otherwise unchallenged.

This time, it seemed like every nurse and doctor wanted to know why I was there "who is this? Friend? Roommate? Partner?"

Once DH got out a terse reply of "my spouse" that person at least would let it go.

I think the detail that got to me was that "spouse" was no longer the default assumption. DH handled it like a trooper, though.

[Carolyn Marie]

Sorry you had to go through that, Ravin. I suspect the experience isn't very unusual in those circumstances. In California, same sex marriage has been going on long enough for it to not raise eyebrows (too much), but in other parts of the country, its still an extreme rarity.

I hope your husband is OK and on the mend. Best wishes to you both.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Deanna]

Living in the South, which refuses to accept anything but man/woman marriage, this is standard. Plus the don't believe our marriage has standing. Even though we have been married for 17 years. Drs and Medical care places seem to get over it as soon as they look at the Insurance card and see that it is in my name. . Before transition her cardio doctors would talk to me and tell me to make sure she eats right and exercises. But now I am ignored, He even asked "Where is your husband?".

Deanna

[Charlize]

While it is certainly a sign that you are seen as a cis male it must also be difficult. Having to deal with a world that only barely accepting of same sex marriages is difficult. My wife and i have experienced similar situations and it is awkward. Fortunately or unfortunately being a lesbian or simply two women traveling together is more acceptable and understandable in society. it is taking my wife longer to adjust to the fact that i am completely female to the world that doesn't know us well. I hope the Supreme Court can soon do the right thing and give the entire GLBT community the rights we deserve.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest KerryUK]

Ravin,

Try to see this in a positive light.

You are quite rightly seen as some guy 'tagging' along with your husband. Medical professionals have to be sure that the person who is accompanying the patient is supposed to be there - patient confidentiality. They could get into a lot of trouble if they divulged something to someone who is not closely attached to that patient. Also, can you imagine if they assumed that you are his 'partner' only to be corrected that you are his friend - they could then be in a lot of trouble because in essence, they would be calling his 'friend' - gay. So, they can't make assumptions and have to be right. That's why they have to ask who you are and how you are related to the patient. I don't think there is any homophobia going on here, just making sure.

Hope that makes sense.

Kerry x.

[Ravin]

The fix is really simple. Ask "what is your relationship to the patient" without throwing out suggestions that one way or another may be taken as an insult.

[Guest sydney]

Even in NJ where we hold hands in public and no one blinks and eye, we occasionally get reactions like these. 6 month ago, my wife went to a dermatologist to look at an off growth that our primary care physician looked suspicious to skin cancer. The dermatologist asked" who are you and are you in here with her?" When we both responded with "I'm her wife!/She's my wife!" He acted like he had never met a same sex couple before. He was polite and treated her (it wasn't skin cancer thankfully and it was something that could be burned off.)

We've been traveling back and forth between NJ and TN the last few months (due to wife's mom who was battling cancer), and we have to be careful in TN (Oak Ridge and Knoxville). Hospital staff learned we were married and seemed perfectly OK with it there, but in some areas it was clearly not safe to hold hands in public. Unfortunately my wife's mom passed away a few weeks ago. Her father is staying with us for a while here in NJ until he decides what he wants to do with the house in TN and other things. Plus he doesn't need to be alone right now and he thinks of me as one of his daughters.

[Guest KerryUK]

The fix is really simple. Ask "what is your relationship to the patient" without throwing out suggestions that one way or another may be taken as an insult.

I know Ravin, but (and I agree, that it is wrong) people do make assumptions. I would try to look at it in the positive - you are being correctly seen as a guy - I can assure you that no cisguy would give the assumptions a second thought.

........but in some areas it was clearly not safe to hold hands in public.......

Here in the UK, my wife and I regularly link arms because many women/girls do. Although we could hold hands if we wanted, we don't. This is because we would be sending a signal to others that we are a lesbian couple - which we are not (I may be but my wife isn't).

Kerry x.

[Cyndee]

I hope your husband is feeling better Ravin.

I get asked if I am soul mate at times like on the phone, she sometimes gets asked if she is me. We are still adjusting to sharing documents, finanaces, insurance, etc....

C -

[Guest trudy]

I really wish I could post a happy comment here, but I cannot, I know that hospitals and clinics here in the US are clung to HIPAA at no choice, so they have to be very careful what is said to patients. When my wife was diagnosed in the past with cancer, they wouldn't even tell me over the phone, and they knew I was her husband. They had to call her and tell her. They would not disclose any info to me, unless I was there in person. I also know my wife is not a lesbian and expects a man + woman relationship, and only loves me. It seems she might be coming to grips with my transgendered ways, but she doesn't like it, but she loves me. So I think in the long run we will work this out, but I don't know how yet. I love her with all my heart, but I'm compelled to identify as female, but I do go to work as male.

I hope all is well with your husband, and I hope you do not let people upset you over their ignorance too much, because I've noticed that straight thinking people have a problem with folks like us because they fear that not understanding is ignorance, and they really don't understand trangender, gay, lesbian or situations as such or groups in LGBT umbrella words. Who wants to feel ignorant. Seriously. I just normally consider the source when it comes right down to it.

Toodles,

Trudy