How can I be me in a small community

[Guest alexia]

Hi, I recently posted about accepting that I and transgender but I need help in coping with it. I run a farm with my parents in a small country community (~500) school has <60 students. Closest town (30000) is 15 miles and nearest city is 400 miles. I've been married for 9 yrs told my with about crossdressing early in relationship and have 2 young children. My wife understands but is uncomfortable with my dressing but we are honest with each other. I've recently told my mum and will tell my dad when the time is right. I am very happy with work and family. Being a small town I know a lot of people but no close friends. This is partly due to the fact I'm hiding something from them but mainly because I only moved back to the area after my first child was born due to a better environment for my kids to grow up and I don't really relate with them. Previously I lived in a capital city working as a software engineer. The irony is I now realised my friends and work place in the city would have been very accepting of my transition. BUT even if I could go back in time and change things I wouldn't because of the happiness I have found here with my wife and kids.

My children are the most important thing in my life and I won't do anything to put them in harms way. Hence my reluctance to transition even though I realise I don't want to hid anymore. I guess my question is how can I move on with my transition without doing anything obvious to get discovered?

The things I have done is remove the few hairs on my chest, I aim to shave my legs in winter with the excuse of bike riding, and I wear a Dr Who necklace (I'm a geek:). I've considered growing my hair long but my wife is uncomfortable and I don't know of men with long hair. Also my wife is uncomfortable with me wear any female things under my clothing. I also admit that this is only a minor thing because I want to look like a woman, wearing the clothes is a way to do this but wearing womens clothes under male clothes doesn't really achieve this except for the knowledge I'm wearing them. Does that make sense.

The thing that has had the biggest help has been choosing a female name (I feel I have a female persona now) and joining this forum which allows me to be me and see there are other people like me and have already been on the path I'm about to undertake. It gives me hope.

So thankyou all

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi Alexia,

I can relate to much of what you are saying. If you read some of my earlier posts you will see some of the struggle I am having. I too live in a small rural community and just last week ran into someone I know so the fear is very real. So much easier in the city, which for me is about a three hour drive away.

I am fortunate in that I live as me for most of the day, so even though it can be a little lonely, I can deal with the dysphoria. If like me, your kids are the most important thing in your life, the decision to do much more with this being transgender, is going to be really tough. It sure has been for me. One strategy I use, if it really is a strategy, is to steadily remind myself throughout the day of just who I am. I have accepted myself as an individual and I really like who I am. So when it gets too much for me, (you know - the how people are treating you and assuming things about you based on appearance) I go into a washroom and after silently screaming for a minute or so, I just talk to myself about what is important to me and that I am me, and I can deal with their ignorance because they really aren't fortunate enough to know me.

Things are sure not easy. I wish you the best.

Faith

[Charlize]

Alexia this is never an easy road and it is always difficult for any of us. I grew up in the little town where i am living now. I still farm here. NJ is a very populated state but i'm fortunate to live in an area that is actually somewhat rural that made it difficult to come out however. Everybody knew me. Things did go well for me. Only one right wing character has in anyway shown difficulty with the change. Instead i've been embraced as another person (maybe a screwball ) in the town. I guess i can live with that easier than as a person i never felt right being.

Best of luck with your journey. I do hope you will not feel rushed and can get help from a therapist and slowly work with your wife and your community.

We are here to offer what support we can offer but the journey is yours.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Chris546]

I too am from a small town and facing the same challenges. I have decided to relocated to a more deverse area, well that is yet to be seen. I can totally understand where you are standing and moving forward is going to end up in discovery. Trying to make that dicovery into something on your own terms may be better due to the fact that generally the ones closeset to you are not the ones you have to fear and that would be a good starting point maybe. I have been in therapy for quite awhile I do have a date already that i will be telling my family. Just unsure about the greater community timeline yet, hopefully i will have moved by then myself and will not hesitate to just live like I want to. I also have started reseaching the area to where i think it will be ok, but I can still not say whether or not that will set me free of harms way, as you do have your family to worry about. Please do not take what I said as advice and think of it as just some disernment over the tough issue you have ahead of yourself.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

Small town or Village under 3,500 people in ours been here over 16 years well known and well accepted , people know Jos and our 3 grown up adults and 11 grand kids , and most of our life going back 67 years they all so know my friends and world wide , work mates and 1500 people with in our membership of our many groups,

im incharge of different aspects with in those groups and have responsabiltys and a commitee member in 3 ,

In our Brass bands 3 of and do work for some i have known over the last 10 years yes im a builder = chippy, in charge of cooking in 3 groups and help out as well , for many 100,s of people ,

sound like a normal male well maybe in some ways yes , yet this kid is a female , and accepted as a normal woman ,

small Village type attitude to go with it you know being different and all that , sorry wrong well known and well accepted .

i told every one of my difference and about Jos our marrage and what we would do later concerning an anuulment when the time came i told them every thing i allowed if you like every one to be part of Jos our kids and grandkids and my life , you know they have , and i was an open book for them to understand get to know and accept am i really that different ....am I.... you ask them ,

Most see a woman who is a female and can be accepted as normal , next Village 16,000 Oamaru and Timaru about 40,000 and im known by many .

Okay maybe different In Waimate the south isl of New Zealand plus Austraila yet im accepted by many over there as well ,

So if you have the be open about your self and invite people to become part of your life and i do and includes strangers then acceptance is there just you have to make the first move and talk and stand in front of 1000,s of people and tell of your life as it has happened is happening , it works ,i have done it and proved it and i had a fantastic time doing it and still do ,

For my self its real its living and its true and you have to be ready to be able to do it no fear just let your whole being show who you are ,

...noeleena,,,

[Guest alexia]

Thank you for your kind words. It has given me confidence that joining Lauras Playground is the right decision. I have been reading your posts Faith and I admire you and take inspiration from where you are at. I too experienced the loneliness of having the secret. I have difficult getting to know people and having an honest conversation. I find I need to pre-run a conversation in my head a few times before starting them even though I know the conversation won't follow as planned. Forum posts are ok as I have a day or few to think it through. I have no idea how to have a Chat but hope one day I will. I hope to get to the stage where I can do simple tasks dressed as myself. However I'm hoping my first outing will be with my wife shopping so I am going to take it as slow as she needs because it will be worth it. My therapist as been great as she pushed me do do things I would never have but also advised restraint when necessary. My therapist asked me if I sometimes wish my wife was bi-sexual so it would be easier. On thinking about it all I really want is for her to be a friend to Alexia.

The best and (sometimes the worst) thing about working on a farm is it allows me to think. So I believe I will become the person I am to the outside world eventually.

Alexia

[Guest alexia]

Thank you ClarissaJo and Noeleena, I read you posts after I submitted my last one. From everyones repsonses I see maybe it is possible to be transgendered in a small community. However I see for this to happen it is important that I can gain acceptance and support from my family and close friends first to help me when I approach the wider community. So I'll try not to get ahead of myself. But its hard when after 40 years of hiding from myself, I no longer want to hide from everyone.

I hope all goes well with your journey and potential relocation ClarissaJo.

Alexia

[Guest alissa16]

Sorry for this late input Alexia; though I have no immediate family to care about close at hand I do live

in a area covered by small communities. That itself is probly the most difficult hurdle..that is these closed

cells..social circles that build ..when one is constantly exposed to limited stimuli..(cold?).

But to your fear of transition..this might be just the right environment to start you change..If you start

to show the real you, slowly, naturally..not some Hollywood wet dream of womanhood but; a female-rual-

natural-you; and do so slowly and with grace ..Just maybe you'll find yourself..Home!!

Alissa

[JJ]

One thing I would add here that contrary to the myths of society it is actually better for your kids to transition. My life career was working with families and children and I have a child development degree. One thing that is inescapable is that stress and depresssion in a parent has a megative impact on children of any age. They also learn about life and how to approach it from you. When you are happier and more at peace you are a better parent. And when you show them to be true to themselves and who they are you give them a great gift. Children almost invariably have no trouble with our transitioning until they are grown and invested more in myths and judgments and who they saw us as when they were young. Even then after a rough year my daughter came to say that she wished I had done this when she was young because I am a better person and a better parent than I ever have been. SHe is in her late 30s now but we have co-parented her 15 year old since she was born. I raised my daughter as a single parent and she is an only child so this transition was especially challenging for her.

We live in a very rural, conservative area-more fundamentalist churches than businesses in this county which has only 2000 people -the nearby town has 600. Amazibgly my granddaughter's friends all think it's cool and there has more more acceptance than I could ever have imagined. I am four years into transition and it has come up at school for about 15 min one time. People even feel free to talk to my daughter about it at work but not in negative ways.

It isn't easy but it is doable. And in the long run life has a reality that for me makes all the difference.

Each of us must chose our path and make our choices but especially where children are concerned transition can be the greatest gift you can give then as far as becoming the best possible parent and life lessons

Johnny

[Guest alexia]

Thankyou Alissa and Johnny. It is something I've thought about a lot. Its the fear of the unknown that worries me. I agree I think my children could handle my transition as even though I would physically change my values wouldn't and I'd like to think I'd pass them on to my children. How my wife handles it is another issue, I believe my children would be more affected by our divorce (worst case but unlikely) then my transition. One fear I do have is that how will my community treat me not my friends but the other numerous people that you know in a country town. I've spent over 40 years creating this image of me for them and then to change it.

My therapist has got me focusing on creating a plan to transition after my kids finish high school. Which basically gives me breathing space to sort out all the little things and not panic into rushing. If things go well and I shorten the timeframe so be it. Which is a good possiblity because our major town had a youth talk on sexual acceptance which had gay, lesbian and transgender speakers.

Alexia