3 years ago I said "let's not change back into male mode"

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

It's kind of boggling to think that 3 years ago this month, I simply decided one day to not switch back into male mode and to keep doing this girl thing after the weekend was over and to just see what happens, to see how long I could continue to live as a woman before the pressures were too much and I would have to cave in and go back to dressing like a male.

You see, that's what I had been doing for a while: I'd spend the week in guy mode and then on the weekend I would completely switch to female mode and stay that way the entire time until it was time to go back to work on Monday. Well, one particular weekend I thought "Why don't we try staying like this on Monday to see how it goes." I had male clothes to fall back on, if the pressure or life on the other team was too difficult, I could always switch back. I had a safety net.

So Monday came and while I was completely terrified of people's reactions or how I would be accepted (or if I would be accepted at all), some how I made it through the day with no problems. Energized from the success of that day, I thought "Let's keep doing this tomorrow and see how it goes!" So Tuesday came and went with similar results. Then Wednesday. By Wednesday I thought "Goodness, let's see if we can do this the entire week!"

Next thing you know, it's Saturday again and I had spent the entire week as a woman with no problems or issues. Sure everything was brand new but I managed to survive in my new role primarily relying on previous experience but also remembering to just be nice, polite, and to smile.

After I had spent the entire week as a woman, I thought "Well let's try another week". Then "Let's try another week!". Soon it became "Let's see if I can do this the entire month"

Work already knew I was transgender and was okay with it when they hired me. In fact, the only thing holding me back from going full-time was....me! I'm a chicken. I'm a scardy-cat. I don't gamble. I go for the sure thing instead of the risk. So it took me about a year at my job before I even worked up the courage to try living full-time. Like I said, I had been doing practice runs on the weekends to just get an idea of how things would go, and even still that experience was limited since I was simply staying in a hotel. My only interactions on the weekends were really with the pizza delivery people, limited as that may be. Occasionally I would 'test myself' so to speak and force myself into a more social environment like I would indicate on the ordering form for pizza that I would be paying cash, which then forced me to leave my room, go outside (ack!) and walk to the closest gas station to use their ATM.

I never actually set a date for when I would go full-time. It really was a spur of the moment event where I thought "Well let's just try it and see what happens". That was 3 years ago this month and I haven't changed back since. There were moments where I thought about it (because I was scared of the unknown) but then I'd tell myself "Liz! You can't switch back now. Look at the progress you've made! Look at how amazing this experience has been! You can't switch back now and lose all of that!" So during moments of doubt, wondering if I could continue doing this, I had to trust myself that I could do this. I had to believe in myself that I could do this.

After 8 months or so, I finally contacted a therapist for the sole purpose of starting HRT. I remember our first meeting, I kind of walked into it like a business venture. She asked me what brought me here today and I told her I'm here because I would like to start HRT. She took one look at me and said "Well I can already tell you're full time." She was ready to give me a referral letter for HRT after our first meeting but just wanted to see me one more time before my doctor appointment. (I think it was to go over expectations of HRT and what it can/cannot do).

So, yeah. 3 years ago this month when I simply decided to try living as a woman after the weekend was over just to see how it would go. I was in Indianapolis, at a LaQuinta, and I think that morning I threw up twice because I was so nervous. In my defense, it was a major step forward so being nervous was understandable.

[Guest alexaz]

Liz your such an inspiration to me.

I like your honesty and sense of humor. Your ' mater of fact style'

Congrats and happy OUT BD

I've yet to go full time but I have gone to my therapist session and a LGBT women's meeting dressed so far and plan to do more.

The meeting was the most 'FREEING ' thing I think I have ever done and loved it.

Thank you and rock on girl.

Alexaz

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Liz. What a beautiful story of self realization. I was even more of a coward and would just go to gay bars to start. Then one day i bought cigarettes and got money out of my purse with shaking hands. Later i would go out and just keep doing as much as i could as a woman. I wanted the shakes to stop. I didn't know if i could survive in the world so i kept pushing the limits. Finally i also did it. For me it will be full time 3 years in May so we have almost paralleled each other. It is amazing how much of the resistance is simply in our minds. Reality has never lived up to my fears.

I'm glad your journey was successful and you haven't driven out of our lives. I enjoy your posts and feel a definite kinship.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

Thank you for openly sharing with us Liz.

You are an inspiration for a number of us here.

Enjoy the continuance of your sexy life.

Huggs,

Joann

[Sally]

Well Liz,

As you know from our first visit - late at night in a truck stop just across the state line into Mississippi, I had been living pretty much full time except for work for over a year.

I started doing everything as myself as soon as I got to New Orleans, if only I had started working here as myself, no one would have ever known the old me and my evil twin wouldn't come back to haunt me.

I work for a company that has a 100% rating for diversity so the only thing that held me back was my fear, I've sort of worked past that in the past four years of just being me.

It reaches a point where you just sort of expect men to be polite and open doors and realize that it's acceptable to talk to strangers in the ladies room because that's all part of what we do.

Do let me know the next time you're going to be in the area - I'd rather not wait another four years for the next one.

Love ya,

Sally

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Lizzie,

Thanks for sharing your story. I am a serious scaredy cat, and it really took a while for me to go full time. When I came out last year, I made the bold decision to shave my face. I had kept facial hair for so many years, and I had no idea what I would look like without it. Well almost immediately I started to male fail, and that astonished me. We are our own worst critics, and I couldn't believe that I was male failing without even hormones. It really scared me at first since it happened a lot when I was at work, and I was not out of the closet there. I was presenting as male at this time, and yet male failing. It astonished me, and yet started to encourage me at the same time. I started HRT on July 4th last year, and that started to have its effects as well.

I took a fair number of selfies early on, and finally on October 28th I took a nice one, and put it up as my avatar. The positive feedback here on the playground encouraged me to actually try to pass on October 31st. I figured it was kinda safe being Halloween. I did some necessary shopping, and absolutely nothing happened, I just blended in as a woman. Far out! From that point on, I was living as a woman except at work where I was still trying to present as male. My boobs were growing, and the male failing got more frequent so I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to come out at work. One of my co-workers saw me shopping at Safeway wearing a skirt, and although he didn't say anything at work, that also kinda scared me into action.

So at a party at a co-worker, my friend Jennifer managed to "out me" to my boss, and I was relieved to be accepted immediately. The trans news spread through our small company like lightning, and so it came to be that on December 12th at our company Holiday Party, my boss Rob asked me when I wanted to have him introduce me to tour guests as Stephanie. I said how about now, and he said sure. This marks the begining of my full time status. So I am still kinda new to "real life test", but I certainly am in the public eye all the time. I hope you don't mind me telling my story on your thread, I am such a thread hijacker.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

The meeting was the most 'FREEING ' thing I think I have ever done and loved it.

Yes! and I bet it felt amazing to not only be able to show people who you really are, but to also be in an accepting environment!

Btw, I have to sometimes be careful about my matter of fact style. Some people could take it the wrong way. (see my reply to StephanieVikingGirl)

I didn't know if i could survive in the world so i kept pushing the limits.

Yes! I did the same thing. Every weekend I would try to do a little bit more to put myself out there and be more out in public instead of hiding in my room. I had a few goofs, like when I kind of freaked out a lady while I was doing laundry and then realized "uh, Liz, you need to work on your voice". But hey, it was all part of the learning process and I've never been back to that particular hotel since. (and it was in Rhode Island, which I never go to anyway).

You are an inspiration for a number of us here.

I'm totally blushing right now.

It reaches a point where you just sort of expect men to be polite and open doors and realize that it's acceptable to talk to strangers in the ladies room because that's all part of what we do.

Uh oh...was I supposed to expect that? In my line of work it doesn't happen very often, but when it does I make sure to smile and say thank you. Also talking to strangers in the ladies room (or being approached by a stranger to talk) is still kind of weird to me. I'm not surprised by it any more but when it happens it's still kind of....odd.

I hope you don't mind me telling my story on your thread, I am such a thread hijacker.

*drums fingers on the desk while glaring*

also

[Guest]

Congratulations Liz. I fully understand the scardy cat. Thats a lerfect description of me.

[Guest April Kristie]

Lizzie, so who did you donate you male garb to? Many articles of clothing can be unisex, but generally you have to look fem to carry it off.

I too started out living full time upon finding a GT, now what does that mean...full time? The basic answer is presenting your self to the world as your preferred gender. But my life doesn't include a job, I am retired, but I spend my usual days as a housewife, keeping our household together. As some of you may know I moved to Lake Worth Fl six months ago. My spouse and I bought the worst house in the best neighborhood we could afford. The prior owner was the queen of deferred maintenance . So, we had our hands full with various contractors working in the house nearly everyday. I introduced mysefl as my male name because I was chicken that they would do poor work, walk out, or try to charge me more if I was seen in a homophobic light. So acting male in the Deep South was hopefully going to get my house remodeled as we wished. I was dressed in paint stained shorts, and T shirt that had seen better days. Did I look fem? I do shave everything, and my hair is dyed, but at 6'8", they accepted the relationship. We are 95% done with the workers, I do dress nicer these days, I have gone. Blonde again, my boobs are unmistakeable, and a tenant we rent to knows I am T, and is cool with it. I am able to do those chores around the house confident that I am a woman, today I used a paint stripping took to get the exterior ready for primer. After it became too hot and I was losing my strength, I stopped working, stripped, rinsed off outside, threw my bikini on and lied in the pool for two hours. Afterwards, showered, moisturized, and threw on a skirt and T, to start dinner. ah the life of a house Frau.

The rest of the time in my ever exciting life, going to the market, the Dr.s car dealer. I live and dress full time. But here in funny Fla, it is most casual all the time because we are in a beach community, and it gets hott.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Congratulations Liz. I fully understand the scardy cat. That's a perfect description of me.

Now of course there have been times where if I was a scardy cat, I wouldn't have made any forward progress in transition. So a few times I kind of had to take a leap of faith and really hope for the best. Like when it came to my name change. Scardy cat me was afraid of the consequences and what would happen, but I knew if I didn't do this, I wouldn't be able to move forward and I'd still be stuck in a rut, spinning my wheels. So understand that it's okay to be a scardy cat at times, but there will come an opportunity where you'll simply have to do something in order to keep going with transition. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Acknowledge possible outcomes and have a plan for them, and then do it and see what happens.

On the other hand, there have been a handful of instances where I had no back up plan and my motto for those was "jump without a parachute". No back up plan, not sure what was going to happen, but no matter what did happen, I'd deal with it and make the best of whatever outcome did happen. I think one of those was when I went out in public for the very first time. I didn't have male clothes to hide behind. I didn't really know what was going to happen. I couldn't really predict how I would be looked at or what people's reactions would be. I simply had to just do it....and hope for the best.

You're an inspiration.

Thank you! That's really touching. It's very moving to know I've had an impact in someone's life (for the better, hopefully)

Lizzie, so who did you donate you male garb to?

Most of it went to Goodwill. Some things, like heavy jackets, I kept. Actually most of my jackets and coats I kept. I kept a few articles of male clothes "just in case" but I tucked them away in the bottom of my duffle bags here in the truck. Um, socks I kept. They're...just socks. While cleaning a few weeks ago I came upon some male clothes that were tucked away and thought "oh wow, I haven't worn this stuff in years." Well of course I haven't because you're a girl, Liz. Besides, my clothes didn't fit my brother or my dad.

I remember one time my mom found some V-neck tshirts of mine and accused me of secretly cross-dressing because they were obviously women's tees, even though the tag clearly stated they were men's V-neck tees. Well, yeah I did wear them to dress at the time, but they were men's tees in my size so I kind of was, kind of wasn't.

But that's all water over the bridge now. Wait. under the bridge. Unless the dam broke.

[Guest]

Lizzie you are certainly high on my admiration list. I know once my genie got out of the bottle she could never be put back. As most know, I drove over the m2f tire grate and I can never back up, nor do I want to. My banner day was getting my CDL again. All of Arizona is my welcome playground, but I wondered how well I would be received stepping out of my Freightliner in other states. So far so good. I have to remember not to step on long skirts getting into the cab. Giggle. This adventure has also allowed me to stop turning my back on all my great hard earned in male skills and learn to approach them as a dignified lady. Now that was a trick! My poor old half brother may have passed but he left me a great legacy. Lizzie you were also instrumental inspiration for facilitating that day for me. Great job girl you are tops! Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Lizzie you are certainly high on my admiration list. I know once my genie got out of the bottle she could never be put back. As most know, I drove over the m2f tire grate and I can never back up, nor do I want to. My banner day was getting my CDL again. All of Arizona is my welcome playground, but I wondered how well I would be received stepping out of my Freightliner in other states. So far so good. I have to remember not to step on long skirts getting into the cab. Giggle. This adventure has also allowed me to stop turning my back on all my great hard earned in male skills and learn to approach them as a dignified lady. Now that was a trick! My poor old half brother may have passed but he left me a great legacy. Lizzie you were also instrumental inspiration for facilitating that day for me. Great job girl you are tops! Hug. JodyAnn

Oh wow. Thank you!

[Guest]

I must second that, Lizzie. And I've loved reading your stories.....

-Fiona

[bobbisue]

Lizzie you are an inspiration for many including me

I am a mechanic in a very small town so wearing skirts to work may be problematic however there are occational trips to the city some day I hope to be able to go out in public but i have to work on pretty much everything first maybe by next year I will be able to pass from a resonable distance

bobbisue

[Brandy Kyleen]

well, congrats girlfriend. i also came out to terms 3 years ago in october . i also was sort of scared in this hick town where i live. but i faced it with grace, now, i only do part time because i take care of my grandmother of 90 years. she is very old school and very religious and dosnt even know how Kaitlyn Jenner could do her thing @ her age and thinks 'its from the devil'. well, as we know it definitly is not that. it is just in us to be a girl. i have lost some really good friends. of course good friends would never turn their back on you. so i guess they were never really "friends"... so, on that note, many blessings on our future lives. hang in there girl.