The best yet most annoying thing I'm asked when I tell establishments that knew me as "him" that I'm changing genders

[Guest Kayla Grace]

"How would you like us to handle it?"

A total of two places (so far) have told me that. My bank, and my workplace supervisor. The one I'm going to get into is in the workplace.

I've been there since March 25th, so coming up on a month now, and the only girl that's officially referred to me as "he" has corrected herself in a split second, so I wasn't offended. I've gotten a total of 5 people ask me if my hair is my natural, so at least the wig is doing its job! Up until yesterday, I'd never had anyone refer to me as a male.

It was a little thing, but it still really got to me. One long-term employee was doing the cleanliness checks for the shift before us (they've managed to make me dislike them due to their cleaning habits, and lack of care for the next group), and she said "do we have any complaints?"

I said "It's Friday and I don't want to be here. Does that count?"

Coreena (aka princess) inquired as to what I said because she must not have heard it.

"HIS complaint was saying that HE doesn't want to be here today." Which Princess replied to with "Neither do I."

...

That bugged me all morning. I spent three hours thinking how to approach her and ask why she referred to me as male when I'm clearly NOT presenting male. I had lipstick on today and everything so even I was impressed with my female presentation yesterday.

I decided against not confronting her since I don't like confrontation, so I went to talk to my supervisor. I told him who she was, what she did, and that Jason (my supervisor's name) wanted me to tell him about anything I was uncomfortable with.

"How would you like us to handle it?"

I love that phrase, and I hate it. I love it because it means that they are willing to accommodate me as much as they can, and listen to my concerns. I hate it because it gives the insinuation that they "don't know what to do".

I asked that she be questioned on why she referred to me as male when I wasn't presenting it. At this point, nobody can say "oh, it was a mistake" because you can basically figure out someone's gender after a few seconds depending on their presentation. Again, wig, makeup, lipstick, and a pretty big portrude of breasts. Plus, nobody else has ever misgendered me in the month I've been there.

Once they told me that sometimes the supervisors can't handle her because of her psychological issues, I made sure that if she truly had made a mistake to give her my sincerest apologies.

Maybe I'm just being picky. Time will tell and we shall see how it's handled, and what happens on Monday.

God Bless

Kayla <3

[Carolyn Marie]

Kayla, I'm sorry that you were upset over that incident. It's hard for me, or for anyone who wasn't there, to really understand what happened, as so much depends on the exact circumstances, the inflection in the voice, facial expressions, and all the rest. So if it seemed to you that she was doing it deliberately to embarrass you, then you are well within your rights to complain, and I hope that management does something to correct it.

But often it really is a mistake and there is no ill intent on the part of the speaker. After I transitioned in a place I had worked for 8-10 years, most everyone caught on really quick. But there was one person who never could seem to get it right, and misgendered me most of the time at meetings and other occasions. After each time, he realized his mistake and apologized, but did it again the next time. It was just something he couldn't seem to control. I could have made it a big issue and complained to HR, but that never seemed the right way to go about it. So I laughed it off, and we remained friends, and I never let it get under my skin.

We are all different, and situations are different, so how you handle it will be unique to you. Whatever you do, I wish you well.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Drea]

You can read the "How would you like us to handle it?" in many ways. It could be willingness to do something. It also could be a statement of them believing there is nothing they could do.

Assuming total willingness to help, it seems to me to me that they are obligated to ask the question. So many actions they might take you might dislike the result. They probably fear actions they take might be questioned by you after the fact. If they talk to her, it isn't possible without outing you so if they don't if you are out to the person already they probably fear you would see that as a violation of privacy and that they could find themselves in a lawsuit.

Do you feel they action they should take is obvious? If you do it should be an easy question to answer. Their asking is obviously meant to solicit your expertise and to get your beliefs in the action so that when they act if it doesn't work out the way you had hoped, that they are covered by doing what you said rather than be accused of inflaming the situation because of second guessing. On the other hand if you don't know what should be done, they probably have even less of an idea..

I do not know if you are out to the person involved or management you talked to. Even if one has never come out said anything to anyone about it and gotten a job, one should be aware that just because everyone is polite and uses the correct pronouns it doesn't mean that some, many, most or even all aren't aware one is trans. Think about it, if they aren't supposed to discriminate based on trans it means they wouldn't take special notice.

And it is also a sorry truth that no matter how respectful someone may be, if they are aware you are trans, they may very well think of you as a guy. How one dresses will factor very little in that. How one talks and one acts will play a big role.

Even the best people, the most accepting, if they know, especially if they knew you before, under stressful situations, under tense situations, male pronouns and old names tend to slip out. There is a big difference in my mind between accidents and intent. I can't judge. A one time thing can be an accident or not.

[Guest JayGray]

I'm having a similar issue at my work, and I feel you. I'm not presenting yet, but I did change my nametag from Jason to Joss (short for Jocelyn). A few people still insist on calling me Jason; they're older and behind the times, I remind myself. No one has done anything bad who is still there (one person retired, and she once told me on Facebook that my transness must have been because I was abused, which I wasn't).

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I know where you're coming from Carolyn and Drea as my aunt told me it will take some getting used to for the people that knew me for 23 years.

However literally NOBODY knew me beforehand. Nobody except my supervisor Jason knows my legal name (and only because the temp agency had to legally tell him it), and he doesn't even address me by it, or with male pronouns - at least not to my knowledge.

From what Jason tells me, it's a respect thing. We're all human and we make mistakes, I know that better then anyone. Maybe I'm just being salty.

Again, we'll see what happens. This is the first time I've ever even spoken to her and had her speak to me and I hope it's the last. I just want to go there, be known as the girl Kayla, do a good job at work, and go home at the end of the day.

[Guest LizMarie]

I would begin by assuming two things - first, that it was a mistake, and second, that management does intend to try to help. If either of those turn out to be not true, well, deal with that when you find that out. Until then, I would give benefit of the doubt, especially to management. Most people do want to accommodate us. It's the loud, shrill minority that want to harass us.

[Guest KerryUK]

I'm inclined to avoid involving management too soon as that can generate ill feeling. I've had this mis-gendering from a certain family member. I have no idea whether it's deliberate or not BUT if it happens again (she's had enough time now) then I will take her to task on it. The same at work (not that it happens very much any more for me), I would give the person a few times and then I would politely take her to task. I must admit though, the further along in your transition you go, the less this generally happens.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Kayla,

My guess is that it was a mistake, heck I have heard cis-gender women occasionally get misgendered by accident. Things happen, especially when folks are speaking off impulse rather than from more carefully thought out responses. My co-workers are very good at not using my old name (it has happened occasionally when someone was in a real hurry and rushing their words, but fortunately it hasn't occurred in front of any guests), and they never misgender me. The first month is kinda quick for some folks' efforts at gendering correctly, they should get better at it over the coming months. I am still in awe at how good it feels to go to work as myself. I am sure you feel the same; congrats, we made it to full time!

hugs,

Stephanie