Out to Mom

[Guest ~Cadence~]

So, today I came out to my mom over the phone. Not how I wanted to do it, and far earlier than I planned, but it happened. It went well enough. She believes I should not act on this until I'm 100% sure of what I want, and I shouldn't change my body because I would only regret that. I should be who I am. She is sure right now that any move to correct my body would mean the end of my wonderful marriage. Also, bisexuals are just homosexuals who haven't accepted it yet. And transitioning would make my life hell.

On the flip side, she is glad that I felt like I could tell her, and she will help finance adoption when my wife and I are ready to have a family (found out I'm stearile earlier today, and my hormone levels, in the words of the firtility doc, "wonky")

On one hand, I'm out to the one parent I still acgnowledge. However, it also laid bare the uphill battle I have coming and I am a nervous wreck. I expected to get attacked or disowned, instead I got accepted. Now time to let the knowledge stew, and see what she does. The wife and I are just going to have to be an example of a trans-couple to those around us (with my transsexual proclivities, we can hardly be called a Cis-couple : ). )

[VickySGV]

I am glad it went as well as it did. There will be a period where things are a bit stuffy and uncertain at first in even the most accepting families. This is a change, and changes need to go through several steps until it becomes "just life" again.

[Guest AllisonRae]

Must be coming out to mom day, today I explained things to my 83 yr old mother. Her reaction, I'll still love you anyway. Made me feel so good and relieved. I have fretted about telling her, even tried over the phone. But now she understands and is accepting. Isn't it a great feeling!

Hugs,

Allison)

[Guest Raya]

So, that's quite the day, Tux. So glad you are looking at positive options to deal with the infertility, I'm sure that's pretty heavy.

I got some push back from family about "not doing anything drastic", and just emphasized to them that even starting hrt is a couple months away, then 6 months more before the changed become permanent.

Also assured them I had professional help.

So things did settle out, and i think my brothers are just waiting for it to pass

[Charlize]

Sometimes our coming out happens off schedule but at least it happened so regardless of the reaction you don't have to worry about that. It will take time for her to understand and accept. Be gentle and patient as you live your life, with the ones we love that is sometimes the best we can do.

It sounds like you will have a bit of difficulty but it also sounds like she will come around.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest ~Cadence~]

Oh dear. My mother did some research. Testosterone supplements could fix me. She knows an endo.

Oh dear.

I know she is still processing, but yea, she's going to "fix" me now.

[Charlize]

Please don't go there unless you have first spoken to a gender therapist. Perhaps you and your mom would be better "fixed" by going to a GT together.

A third party is sometimes able to explain things as we can't.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest ~Cadence~]

Oh I don't plan on it. My mother works for a relatively well known hospital system and she believes any medical problem I have can be fixed if I go there. She also believes that my "wanting to turn into a woman" can be fixed by reaffirming my masculinity and my genetics as "male".

I agree a neutral knowledgable 3rd party would be best, but she happens to live on the other side of the state, and I don't think she would want to yet because it would only confirm what she wants to deny right now.

So, I just have to wait.

[Guest Kate]

Eek, that sounds horrifying. When I went to my first appointment to start HRT the nurse asked if I was there for testosterone shots. I had a minor panic attack and couldn't form the words to correct her, fortunately she saw the terror on my face and figured it out quickly. Hopefully your mom is able to become more comfortable with everything as she has time to process.

Kate

[Guest ~Cadence~]

Just an update all. Firstly, mother and I haven't discussed it since. Like it's not a thing that ever happened. The Schmizmar and I are going up to visit her over Memorial Day weekend,so we will see how that's going to go. I'm also making her Mother's Day dinner then (smoked "dino" beef ribs, Venezuelan style, grilled potato salad and roasted corn). Hopefully we will talk then. My brother is going to be there as well, so I'm going to come out to him as well before he leaves for New York again.

[Guest Raya]

Schmizmar? Is this Deutch for significant other. ..

[Guest ~Cadence~]

Its a reference to the show "Futurama." Its what the alien character Kif Kroker calls his girlfriend/ partner/ wife Amy Wong. its just about the only name that fits us

[Guest Raya]

Ahh, not Deutch, just alien. And I thought it was just because I was older...

Ray

[Guest ~Cadence~]

With the weekend come and gone I just have to say....

Nothing. It wasn't acknowledged at all. I basically had to spend the weekend in guy mode, and by the time I got home I was fit to burst. I know it has always been easier for my mother to pretend something she is uncomfortable with doesn't exist, and that was in full force this weekend.

She even asked when my partner and I were going to try and conceive!!! (See "sterile" above)?????

[Guest ~Cadence~]

Weird that I'm coming back to such an old post, but recent conversations have put this situation in a whole new light.

Several weeks ago I came out to my brother. He and I had always had a kinda cold relationship. Everyone just said that I needed to do the whole "brother" bickering, fighting, name calling thing and the relationship would blossom, but I just never could do that. I don't know what prompted it in me, but I just suddenly had the urge to call him and confess everything to him. I told him what our father had done to me, the pain I felt, how I never knew how to behave towards him, an that I was his sister, but was afraid of being rejected. After a short pause, he just said this:

"First, no one knows how to act towards me. I just put out a standoffish vibe. Also, I went to art school. Of course I'm not going to reject you for being trans. Two of my friends from back at school are trans. You want their numbers?"

My brother and I have been talking weekly, and its been just wonderful. I feel like I finally get to know my cool older brother, and he is seeing his outgoing little sister for the first time.

Now, to the point of my post. We were talking about telling my mother and my grandparents, and I had said that I technically did tell my mother. He did not agree. He said I hadn't owned it, or made her confront it, that this conversation still needed to happen. A "come to Jesus" moment in his words (never really religious, so weird hearing that come from him)

He is right, of course. In a way, she still hasn't been told who I am, hasn't been confronted with the truth of her daughter. So he offered, when the time comes to tell her and our grandparents, he and his wife would be glad to be there with my partner and I as support.

So, long story short: not out to my mother, but being the authentic me totally saved my relationship with my brother

[Guest Raya]

Yay, another ally, and a brother to boot!

And since you told your mom earlier, she can continue to "stew" until YOU want to take it further.

[Guest ~Cadence~]

So, two weekends ago, my partner and I sat down with my mom, and I told her that I am transgender. That this is my happiness. That this is the realm me. She acknowledged that I told her several months ago, but thought that if she didn't acknowledge it, I would "get better" and it would go away. I showed her the letter from my therapist and my psychiatrist reccomendingte beginning of HRT. She wanted to believe someone was "coaching" me and trying to make me trans. I asked her if she really had that little faith in me and my ability to self actualize. She said no, she just wanted any other explanation than I was transgender .

After a hearty pause, she asked if I had picked a name. I told her yes: Callie. Her immediate response was "no. Uh-uh. I'm your mother, I should get a say in your name..… I've always wanted a daughter named Sydney."

Basically, the rest of the conversation was split evenly between her being excited at me being her daughter, and then backing up because "no, I can't do this right now" until she left.

The next day she called us to tell us that she loves me and supports me, she is just really afraid someone is going to hurt me and my life is going to be so hard. We talked for a while and it was a really affirming conversation.

The following Monday, I sent her the PFLAG booklet on having a loved one who is trans. She responded that I need to tell her when I am ready for her to begin referring to me as her daughter to her friends.

The love I am being met with every step of the way is just shocking to me. But yay!!!