dealing with my voice

[Guest Faith gibson]

I have a problem when it comes to making my music lately. To me music is so important and if I couldn’t make music I’m not sure if I could survive.

I like to sing but I have a voice that doesn’t sound as feminine as I would like yet I depend on that voice. It’s the voice that makes my daily survival possible.

I sometimes feel so weird singing and playing away while wearing my normal clothes and looking like I normally do at night, yet sounding the way I do. It has stopped me in my tracks way more than I’d like. I used to play for an hour and a half without a break, but now I get frustrated after 10 or 15 minutes. I go back to it. Oh yeah, within a few minutes I need to go back and try again.

It’s such a reflection on what my life is really like. I am always trying to adjust how I feel to what is either expected of me or what seems to be working for me.

I seem to feel like I’m being criticized if I’m not being ‘trans’ enough by one group yet knowing that if most the people in my world knew about me, how disapproving they would be.

I try to put things in the right perspective. I know what/who I am and how I feel and I know what I like. So, what others think shouldn’t really matter. I enjoy the sound I make so I need to stop letting it bother me that I sound a way that doesn’t match how I look or feel about myself. When people listen to me they are hearing and seeing someone else.

Life is so complicated sometimes (well for me anyways).

I put this on my FB but I didn't mention that i am struggling with my nails as well. I absolutely love my nails. I have both hands gelled by a lady every month and I am let them grow quite long. That becomes a problem when playing an instrument that requires that you be able to press the strings tight against the fretboard. I was going to break down and file the nails on my left hand the other night and just couldn't do it. Now I just hear all that buzzing noise as I try to press down on the strings. I've even tried using an area down from the main part of my finger pads.

Just another day of Faith

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Faith. You know and mention that you not should let what others think matter. I think we all have felt that. I am able to do that at times while at others i can't. It is a matter of safety sometimes or simply being lazy and not wanting to explain who i am. With my art i wrote an article for a local paper shortly after coming out and before a show that was titled "Art Transcends Gender". I think it does. You'll find a way to adapt your art to your present situation. In the meantime keep making music. You are being true to yourself regardless of how you are perceived.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Astrosmurf]

That sounds so frustrating, Faith. I think I can relate to that kind of frustration. I cut my nails just the other day, though I do love growing them long. I don't want to gift the gossips at work with too many gender-suspect things all at once in case they join all the dots and arrive at a theory about me. I'm growing my hair out and loosing the facial hair, so that seems enough in terms of appearance-changing right now. I still grow my thumb nails long though, just because of how different it makes my hands look and how 'right' that feels to me. I've had some odd looks on rare occasions, but nobody's ever said anything and I guess most people don't even notice. Really, I wish so much I could shave or Veet my arms right now!

I hope you find a solution and feel better soon

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Faith,

Alex, and I both think that you have a lovely voice. I love music, and I also sing, but truthfully I am not as talented as you. Always do what pleases yourself, don't do stuff just for others benefit. You are every bit as much a woman as I am, I want you to remember that. I like to grow my nails long as well, but I keep breaking them at work. I have buffed them, and try to file them so that they are pleasantly long, but not so long that they are prone to breakage with my bicycle wine tours. I am thinking of painting my nails next, that way they will look pretty even if they are shorter than I would like. Sorry for rambling, I am tired from an eighteen mile bike ride today.

hugs,

Stephanie