How do you know if you pass?

[Guest G-A-L-E]

I pass as a decent looking transsexual woman, is that good enough?

[Sally]

G-A-I-L,

If you are happy, then it is definitely good enough.

This whole process is about becoming the real you, for some that means extensive surgical alterations to every part of their bodies and for others it is just to be real.

I am over 6'3" and still almost 100 pounds overweight, even after losing nearly a hundred pounds - I will never turn heads and have other women admire my figure or my face and that's fine with me, I like the person that I am - people who appreciate the person rather than the packaging are rare but they make the very best friends and partners.

I transitioned to be me and that is who I am.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest G-A-L-E]

Sally, 6'3" here as well. To be fair the original question is 'how do you know if you pass?' I pass as a cis or transsexual woman. No one has given me a hard time for using the correct bathroom.

Not sure I'll ever be given an automatic pass due to my height. People are always going to notice me...they did prior to transition as well. Hopefully that will not stop men from talking and getting 'friendly' with me.

I think my upcoming SRS will give me more of a social pass. I talked about my views about that notion on my latest YouTube video.

Little tired of people (women) looking at my crotch and asking me when's my surgery. Very soon Jerks!

[Guest sydney]

Sally, 6'3" here as well. To be fair the original question is 'how do you know if you pass?' I pass as a cis or transsexual woman. No one has given me a hard time for using the correct bathroom.

Not sure I'll ever be given an automatic pass due to my height. People are always going to notice me...they did prior to transition as well. Hopefully that will not stop men from talking and getting 'friendly' with me.

.....

I do prefer the term blend of pass. Being a 6'7" girl your right about getting notice with height, but it has never clocked me. At first I wasn't sure if looks were from being clocked or my height despite being constantly gendered female. When I started noticing that men went out of there way to hold the door for me, being told Happy Mothers Day (on Mothers Day) and not getting those looks when sitting down, that's when I realized it was my height. Tall is tall no matter what gender, but you do get more noticed as a tall woman than a tall guy. The only time I have been mis-gender in the last year is a few times when walking up to a cashier and they are putting away money in the register and not looking up only seeing me out of the corner of their eye. They would see a tall figure, assume male and say something like, "I'll be right with you sir!" and then lookup and say "Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am." and continue to apologize gendering me female the rest of the time. Simply an honest mistake and transphobia wasn't even on anyones radar. Sometimes followed up with "wow your a tall women" comments and the question of "Did you play basketball or volleyball?"

I've also seen cis-women get mis-gendered right in front of me and then I'm gendered correctly. So I don't worry about it unless someone goes out of there way to mis-gender you. Thankfully that has never happened to me, but I do know of others trans women where that has happened.

[Guest]

Blend? Pass? Whatever the word chosen, if a word must be chosen.....

I would want to look and feel enough woman to make me happy and to at least not have people point and laugh or worse.....

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest LizMarie]

Pass? Who cares? I don't read minds and don't give a flip.

What I do notice is that pre-FFS, I would rarely get second looks that were questioning, unsure, and rarely semi-hostile. Since FFS and resuming going out in public frequently (only a week now but the evidence is adding up), I get zero of those looks at all. I get smiles from lots of people, especially older men, an occasional look of respectful admiration (I'm told my figure is nice), and the occasional openly sexual leer, which is a different sort of problem.

My takeaway on this? People either see me as a woman or just don't care, and in either event, that's good enough for me. Don't get in my face, don't call me a freak, an abomination, and scream that I'm going to hell, don't physically assault me or otherwise interfere with my civil liberties, and I'm fine. Do any of the above, and you'll have a fight of some sort on your hands. (My lawyer said to call her if that ever happens as she'll help pad my retirement funds. )

TLDR: Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone.

[Guest allygator]

i been on E, since Nov 22nd 2014, and lots of people that knew me before now and then, said wow you look so much skinnyer and health looking.... no one has said yet why do you look or did u know u look like a girl, not yet but my face some times looks girly but then not, my hair been growing it since Sep 2nd 2014, and i still dress as a guy, im not ready to dress like a women yet, not yet, my chest is starting to really stick out, and im not sure if people see that ..... my skin is clear and hair on arms are super blonde & short, .... i had this happen to me 2 times this month and march, i had 2 girls pass my and ask the other girl " is that a guy ir a girl..... not sure...." had another one this month ask his mom is that a boy or girl, mom looked at me..... "not sure......"

i walked into the bathroom at del-taco yesterday and i think i scared a guy to death....... he was pee-ing & glacned back at me and staried for a sec & watched me wash my hands, i think he was confused but also could be hates people behind him in bathroom not sure......

[Charlize]

It certainly sounds like you are passing Ally. Have you tried to dress and go out as yourself in a public place. I started doing that out of my town. Every time i went out my confidence grew. Passing happened both from how others saw me but more importantly how i saw myself. Time has made passing a virtual non issue now.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest chibi_usa]

"Passing" is when I left all my old friends for the past 4 years. I keep all my close friends that I know kept their promise and told no one. And then they introduce me to my old friends. And they don't even have a clue who I was.

1. What I did in the beginning was ask people where the bathroom was. Sometimes they just tell me there and point. But other times they give me much more specific instructions to where MY bathroom is located in. And everytime so far, it's a girl. -^^-

2. Dress androgynous. And act like a guy. This is perfect because I'm much more on the guyish side then the girly side. And yet I still get called all the female pronouns.

3. Strangest method: Eating alot. I STILL can eat alot. If they give you a strange look, it's all good. Go to a restaurant by yourself and order yourself the largest meal you can eat. Ahahaha. I ordered 4 burgers, 3 fries, 1 onion rings, and 3 tacos. It works much better if they're girls that are taking your order. When I had short hair and didn't pass, they didn't do anything. But when I did it as a girl, they asked me to confirm and tried showing me the size of the food to make sure they got it right.

4. Walk into Victoria Secret. And ask someone for help.

-Sometimes they'll ask you: Is it for your girlfriend? <If you didn't pass

-Other times they'll ask you: Is it for you? And what's your size <If you did pass

Another one is asking to get sized. If they take you seriously, they'll take you in the back and check your size. When I didn't pass, they laughed, shrugged me off, and helped the next customer.

Huh. This is an interesting thread. I'm gnna make my own asking what everyone else does. More organized that way.

[Drea]

I didn't have time to follow-up on the original post and while some understood what I was getting at it took the predictable turn, like it did in the meeting, into contributors speaking as to how well they pass.

One key statement in my original post is "How do you know they aren't simply being polite?" and I finish saying "We are already at a point that most people are going to be polite. ".

Those statements speak to a very common presumption within the community which is that society is highly intolerant. That there will be some overt sign and tends to discount people are quite tolerant, some overtly polite while others who may be judgmental are more likely to be silent than speak.

As Carolyn pointed out it is much easier to identify when you don't pass thank when you do. I agree with that, but the absence of a not pass does not equate to passing. It merely means one has met the minimum threshold of being presentable enough that perhaps while you might be read as probable trans there is sufficient doubt.

That is in fact a very easy threshold to achieve. I personally wouldn't consider that passing, but functionally it can be just as good as passing as one won't see overt signs. This could provide a comforting illusion even.

The risk however is that one can invest too much in emotion in the belief then one day someone says something that pops the balloon.

So what am I saying? A few things.

Observationally, what we believe about something can have a big impact on how we perceive it. After our beliefs about our passing almost always are based on our reading of events and as I have tried to illustrate, achieving a very easy threshold of passing can yield an illusion of total passing.

One of the first rules about passing is to stop looking for signs we aren't passing. Looking for signs we almost inevitably find them. If we believe we pass we conversely don't see them. Anything that boosts our confidence can result in lower perceptions that we are being read. Are we really passing better or is it just our perception? I think a bit of both.

Back in my original post I talked to different levels of passing. Basic passing is easy to achieve, but take something like working closely with other people on a daily basis, that is an entirely different matter. We could look find but small social cues can speak differently.

So in a way I am challenging passing as a concept and saying that society is much more receptive than most trans people believe.

The real issues most have with trans people have to do with specific behaviors and actions. It happens that if one is "passing" one pretty much isn't crossing those boundaries.

[Guest jody anne]

The only person i have to pass with is myself. every one is different how they feel. i went away for a while as got confused who i was.id did some reading as well and discovered that as a non binary transgender im now accepted by the gender clinic. how much either way i go i dont know yet it a voyage of discovery. when i get there i pass. the female side is wining so far.

[Guest]

We can all describe our idea of 'pass' or our dislike of the word or the idea in general, but the bottom line is for most of us, the way the world is currently, it can be degrading if we stand out or even dangerous.

Some of us are bold while some are timid, others are somewhere in between. I trully envy those that just absolutely don't care what others think. Part of me doesn't, but part of me does. It would be nice for everyone to just live and let live, but in our current reality, I guess it's my hangup.

Some day I hope to be as strong as most of you...

-Fiona