How Do I Ask My Mom?

[Guest Raging Shadow]

My mom knows I'm a FTM. I want her to call me Colton and use male pronouns when we're in public. I also want to purchase an underworks binder. I use an ace bandage and I've heard that it can cause rib deformities. I also want to get a STP and use the guys' room. I'm only 13. Do you think this is too much too fast? How should I ask her?

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Hey there Colton! First of all, welcome to the Playground. Pull up a seat, grab some imaginary food, and make yourself comfortable. There are some really good people here -- it's a nice place.

I'll try to give you some answers to your questions, but realize that there are definitely going to be other opinions out there, and this is just one guy's two cents.

There's a couple things to think about here with your questions. First, how long has she known this? If you told her awhile ago, she'll have had some time to adjust to the idea. If you told her recently, like yesterday, you may want to wait until she has some time to think about it. Second, how did she react? If it's been a long time since you told her, is she still upset? Is she supportive? Is she just OK with it? These are all things you have to consider before you start asking your mom for stuff like this.

If you've recently told her, give her some time to adjust. Have some conversations with her on a regular basis to check in and see how she's doing. This isn't always an easy thing for parents to hear, and sometimes you need to give them some time.

First of all, the first thing you should be asking your mom for is to help you find a therapist who knows about gender issues. It's really really important that you find someone to talk to, and seeing a therapist can really help you get a handle on all this trans stuff. Many, many transpeople see therapists. I see a therapist. It's not because you're crazy, it's because having a body that doesn't match up with your mind is a really stressful psychological experience, and it's good to get help with that from someone who knows how to help you.

Once you get a sense that your mom is ready for that conversation, or at least able to talk about calling you "Colton" and using male pronouns in public without being too upset, ask her. Find a private space to do it, and find a time when she's not stressed about other things and has time to listen and focus on you. Tell her how it makes you feel about her calling you your birthname and using female pronouns, and explain to her why it's so important to you that she try to use male pronouns and call you Colton. One trick I've learned for having these conversations is to use sentences like "When you say X, I feel Y." She can't tell you that you don't feel the way you feel. Another thing is to ask her just to try. If you can be OK with her making some mistakes (which will inevitably be mortifying for you at the time), it will make her more willing to try. It's hard to change habits of 13 years over night. If she knows you're not going to fly off the handle if (and when) she makes a mistake and calls you your birthname or uses "she," I think that'll help. My sister told me that knowing I wasn't going to get mad at her if she messed up helped her change what name and pronoun she was using because she found it less stressful.

About buying a binder, an STP, and using the men's room. Again, this depends a lot on you and a lot on how much time you've given your mom to process the idea that you're FTM.

For right now, as an intermediate step, you could ask your mom if you could get a sports bra and a tightfitting underarmour shirt from a local sporting goods store or megastore. She'll probably be more comfortable with the idea of buying you a sports bra, and you can work up to asking her for the binder as she gets accustomed to the idea. Not everyone uses a binder to bind -- some guys use the above method daily. You should check out MrAwesome's post about cheap binding solutions here: http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...?showtopic=6698 . If you absolutely have to go around your mom, there are a few other options, like buying one of those prepaid credit gift cards they sell at Walmart (I think that's where they sell them), or asking a friend to help you buy one. I'd try to work with your mom first. Not only will the sports bra and the underarmour shirt probably be less expensive, but you don't risk making your mom mad if she finds out you're trying to work around her.

For the STP, you have a couple options. They're pretty similar to your options for the binder. I'd suggest, if you can, giving your mom some time and seeing if she'll eventually be OK with it. She may not be. If she's not, you should talk to the therapist about it, and you can think about using that prepaid credit gift card or getting a friend to help you. For right now, if you really really want to pack something, you can roll up a sock (or two if they're the small socks that only go up to your ankles), and safety pin that to the inside of your boxers/briefs/underwear/whathaveyou. I did that for about 6 months. Remember, though, that most guys your age haven't really started puberty yet, so don't over do it. There's no real delicate way to put this, but a lot of the STPs are, well, adult sized. It really might be wise to wait a few years on that.

About using the men's room, again, talk to your mom. Give her time first (and it might be best to have this conversation be a different conversation than the one where you ask her to use a different name and different pronouns). If you want to use the guy's room at school, definitely, definitely talk to your mom first. For that to happen, she'd probably need to discuss it with your school. As an intermediate step, if your mom isn't OK with you using the men's room, you could say that you will use unisex bathrooms whenever possible. That might help, at least.

Bottom line, in all likelihood, you're not going to be able to do all of this tomorrow. It's going to take some time. Work hard at talking to your mom (I know it's not easy, believe me). Moms can be tremendous allies and assets if they're supportive, and even if she's less than supportive, she's still your mom. I think it's reasonable that you want all these things, and I can completely understand that you want them soon (yesterday). I do think that from what you've told us, it sounds like you're going a little fast. Slow things down a bit, talk to your mom. Try to find a therapist, and talk to them. Talk to people here. Post, read previous topics, and generally get to know folks here. I hate to sound old (I'm only 20, myself), but you're a pretty young guy -- there's no harm in taking your time a bit.

It's completely possible to get all of these things, but like anything, it's going to take some time and some work to get them.

Good luck with everything, brother, and welcome to the playground. I'm sure others will be along to say hello as well.

Feel free to PM me. I'm no therapist, but I can listen if you want to talk.

All the best,

Pól

[Guest Pól_Eire]

And sorry about the epic-ly long post! I didn't realize it was quite that long when I was writing it. In my defense, you asked a lot of questions. So I gave you a lot of opinion

Best,

-Pól

[Guest leo]

i think pol cover everything

take his advice it is good

[Sally]

Hi, Raging Shadow,

I am going to move you to the introductions forum where more people will come by to say hi.

Some of us MTFs, cross dressers and Androgynous can have a few insights as well and we definately want to get to know you.

Pol has given you fantastic advice - some of our younger members are incredible, I can't claim to be young but I am a youthful 57.

He has also taken care of making you comfortable and offering you aour virtual food, when you wake up and come to the playground today I have some hot cocoa and Cinnamon rolls for you.

We just want you to feel at home and know that you have our support.

Enjoy your time here and learn as well as be entertained, some of us have so much fun here that we almost forget our problems - and that can't be a bad thing!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Raging Shadow / Colton

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Pól Eire gave you some WONDERFUL advice - and then apologized needlessly! HA

And two of our best came to say hello - Sally the girl-child (I am older) and Leo - a real nice guy.

Others will be here soon after they wake up!

Look around and see what is fun here. You are one of our younger members but we need to know how you are, how you feel, and how you do what you do - a lot of very young people here who live at home!

So come on in sweetheart, we are very G-rated here (Laura says GP=13) and we like to keep this a safe place for you to explore what you feel. Post some more - we want you to.

Great Aunr Lizzy

[Guest Jackson]

Welcome, Colton.

Elizabeth makes it sound like we're lazy. So I slept in a little this morning. I've been stressed lately.

Anyway, Pol gave you some great advice. It does take parents a little while to adjust. Not that this will happen to you, but my parents are still trying to adjust and I talked to them not quite a year ago. Then again my parents are very stubborn, very religious, and they've had 37 years of dealing with me.

But all in all, it'll work out in the end.

It's great to have you here.

[Guest MrAwesome]

HAHA XD I was about to refer him to my post then realized pol already did xP I didn't bother reading EVERYTHING he said, but anyway, if he hasn't already said something, if you want to use the Men's room just use it. No one pays attention in the mens room, it's the women's that's hard... I always felt like everyone was staring at me...

If you want to stand to pee, for now, you won't be able to use the urinals but just get a Medical spoon, basically it's a spoon they use to measure out like cough medicine and stuff. I'm not sure how... Familiar you are with your anatomy, at 13 I know I wasn't very familiar, but the spoon end goes over the urethra opening, and you just let loose and it comes out the open end. Practice in the shower, or standing naked in front of the toilet. I've peed down my leg a few times...

If you want to know more about... anatomy... all I can say is wikipedia.

At your age, your chest probably isn't very big, and I don't think a sports bra will do much on its own, I think one of the 4 binding methods mentioned in that link Pol gave would be good alternatives if that's what you're looking for.

If you want any kind of advice, or wanna talk at all, I'm only 15, I'm a mastah at being an underage FTM! you can send me a message on here, and I have MSN, Yahoo, etc so I can give you my IM addresses to contact me if you're interested.

[Guest Raging Shadow]

well, talked to my mom about maybe a binder. She freaked. Apparently, she doesn't want me to damage my body incase this is just as phase. She wants to wait until I see a therepist this summer. Huh, and she seemed so accepting when I came out. Ah well, that is one more suckish parent to add to the 5o mile long list. Thanks for the advice though.

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Hi again, Colton! Glad to see you back.

Hold on there, buddy! Don't be quite so quick to write her off -- why don't you try giving it a little bit more time first. Why don't you give it a few days, or a week, so that you and your mom can cool off, and then try to talk to her again? It might take several conversations about the same thing to get to where you want to be with just one thing, like the binder. Wait until your mom isn't stressed and has time so that she can focus on you, and give it another few tries. It's like Pirates of the Caribbean -- you have to wait for the opportune moments. Even if your mom gets upset, make sure that you keep your cool when you talk to her. If you try to explain calmly and rationally why something is important to you, you have a better chance of getting through. You can't fix this kind of thing overnight though -- it's going to take time and work from both you and your mom to get to an accord (yes, that was a second Pirates of the Caribbean reference in one post ). It's worth it to put in the extra effort to keep the lines of communication open, even if it can seem pointless and painful at times.

Why don't you take a moment to prioritize? In your last post, you talked about wanting a lot of things. Decide which one is the most important to you and go for that one first. Is it getting a binder or having her call you by the right name and use the right pronouns? It's something to think about.

It's understandable that she doesn't want you to hurt yourself -- she's your mom, after all. And binding with an ace bandage, like you're doing, could really hurt you. If you get a real binder, or even the sports bra and underarmour shirt I recommended above, and use it properly, it shouldn't hurt you. (I never wear mine for more than 12 hours in an 24 hour period, coughing after you take it off to clear your lungs, making sure you can breathe freely, etc.). If you explain to her that getting either a binder or the sports bra/underarmour shirt would actually be beneficial to your health since you wouldn't need to use an ace bandage, she might think differently.

Another thing to keep in mind: even if you weren't trans, you'd probably still be having lots of disagreements with your mom. Most people I know did when they were 13. I know I did, and all (5) of my siblings did/do. My youngest brother is your age, and I know he argues with our mum all the time. Because you're trans and you need and want things from your mom, you have more of an incentive than the average kid your age for finding ways to work with your mom. It's something else to think about.

If you post a few more times (I think 2 or 3?), you'll be able to PM folks here. Keep us updated, and let us know how you're doing -- we care.

Good luck and stay positive!

-Pól

[Sally]

well, talked to my mom about maybe a binder. She freaked. Apparently, she doesn't want me to damage my body incase this is just as phase. She wants to wait until I see a therepist this summer. Huh, and she seemed so accepting when I came out. Ah well, that is one more suckish parent to add to the 5o mile long list. Thanks for the advice though.

Wait just a little bit - I know that time goes so slowly when you are young, but just look at your calendar!

Summer isn't that far away and she wants you to go to the therapist - she wants what is best for you and she doesn't want you to hurt yourself.

June 21st is the first official day of summer - not that long really and most parents define summer as when school lets out usually early in May.

I think that you should forgive her for this one she isn't really doing anything to say that she does not support you - just worried and that is part of her job.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Impossible Princess]

Hey there Colton,

Its really good to see you using the forums sweetheart.

Im sorry I should introduce myself again, Im Devil's Daughter from the chatroom, if you remember I was the "nice" girl who interviewed you.

I just wanted to say that Sally has really hit the nail on the head or so it seems to me. Being so tender in age, its just natural for a parent to be a little concerned. Give her time, let her see for herself that this isnt just a phaze you are going through, and as sally says, summer really isnt that far away for you (wish it would come back here though) so be patient.

Transitioning isnt something that you dont want to rush, I know at times it can be hard not to rush, it was even that way for me, but I have learnt over the last 7 years that you need to give things time, especially the changes that will occur in your body. Your body is going to need time to adjust just as we have to in every day life.

things will happen for you I have no doubt about that, just be patient and also give your mom time to adjust to the news.

You can always find me in chat if you want to have a talk sweetheart.

be safe

Devil's Daughter

Samantha-Lee

[Guest Raging Shadow]

well, my mom apologized and so did I in turn. She was a little stressed (as always) when I talked to her. She said she overreacted and called my theripist from a previous incedent to get some more info. She and my dad are apparently really supportive and say they'll always love me whoever I am. She said that this weekend she would look at some binder with me. So over all, not such a bad outcome. Thanks everyone for your advice!

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Hey that's great, Colton! It sounds like you handled it really well. That's a fantastic outcome for you. Well done, and congratulations.

Keep us posted, and stick around!

-Pól

[Sally]

Congratulations, you are on your way.

She was just worried about you, wasn't she?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Impossible Princess]

Hey Hey Colton

Wow this is indeed great news sweetheart. Sounds to me like you handled yourself better than a lot of adults I know And your mom and dad really sounds like great parents to have. Well done!

Hugs always

Sammi-Lee

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Colton

Sounds GREAT

So many have unsupportive parents. Sounds like yours are 'keepers.'

Good luck - tell us what happens.

Lizzy

[Guest Raging Shadow]

yup, my theripist has called several times with info. my mom said we can look at binders. i'll probably get the double compression shirt at underworks. so i'm pretty hyped. my neighbor goes to a sorta new age/open church that has a pflag group. so my mom is looking into that. so i think until feb of 2010 everything will be good. in feb though, my class goes to mexico and we get girls and boys dormitories. so i'm not shure if i'll go or not. any advice? btw, I cannot by anymeans tell my school ANYTHING. they're a VERY strict christian school and they'd probably chase me out with pitchforks for being a work of the devil or something. ah, such pleasant thoughts... anyways thanks for everything!!

[Guest Little Sara]

well, talked to my mom about maybe a binder. She freaked. Apparently, she doesn't want me to damage my body incase this is just as phase. She wants to wait until I see a therepist this summer. Huh, and she seemed so accepting when I came out. Ah well, that is one more suckish parent to add to the 5o mile long list. Thanks for the advice though.

Welcome Colton,

I can definitely relate to people going "it's just a phase", the best way to "snap them out of it" is usually to act, but not too fast or drastically. Small changes progressively should do it.

I'm the kind to do drastic sudden changes, and when I went full-time I did it bang, one shot. It definitely surprised some people. But well, you know who your real friends are then.

Since you're still under parental responsability, I'd suggest going at it progressively, because if you alienate your parents, you might be screwed for a few years. I was pretty safe considering I transitioned at 23.

[Guest Pól_Eire]

yup, my theripist has called several times with info. my mom said we can look at binders. i'll probably get the double compression shirt at underworks. so i'm pretty hyped. my neighbor goes to a sorta new age/open church that has a pflag group. so my mom is looking into that. so i think until feb of 2010 everything will be good. in feb though, my class goes to mexico and we get girls and boys dormitories. so i'm not shure if i'll go or not. any advice? btw, I cannot by anymeans tell my school ANYTHING. they're a VERY strict christian school and they'd probably chase me out with pitchforks for being a work of the devil or something. ah, such pleasant thoughts... anyways thanks for everything!!

Sounds like things with your mom are going really well -- that's awesome to hear, and it makes me kind of jealous, actually . Just keep talking to her -- good things happen that way. I have the double compression shirt from underworks myself, which I like quite a lot. If you have more questions about the binder, feel free to ask either in the forum or just PM me. I don't have any experience with pflag groups myself, but if you feel comfortable and ready for that, then go for it. Keep in mind that it's possible that it may be mostly gay, lesbian, or bisexual kids, and many fewer or none trans kids though.

The class trip...that's a doozie. Does everyone go on the trip usually? Is it a trip that you really really want to go on? Let's see. As I understand it from what you've said, you're not out at school, so they still think you're a girl. If you absolutely can't tell them anything, then I think you'd have to stay in the girls' dormitory, which would be pretty rough for you. I've been there, in spades. Students at my primary and secondary schools wore uniforms. I don't see how you could stay in the boys' dorm if they think you're a girl. I think whether you go or not comes down to this question: is it worth it to go to Mexico with your classmates and have to suffer sleeping in the girls dorm? You could try making a pros and cons list (listing the pros and cons of going and staying).

You're going to have to decide which is more important to you, eventually. Here's the thing though. This trip is in February of 2010. That's a little less than a year from now -- how long do you have until you have to make a decision? Don't make this decision now if you can wait and think about it more. Talk it over with your mom and it'd be a good thing to talk to your therapist about once you start seeing them this summer.

Great to hear from you and keep us posted, as always! Good luck with everything.

All the best,

Pól

[Sally]

Wow,

Really great news and it is looking good with your mom.

I wouldn't even think about that trip yet - just enjoy the progress you are making!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Raging Shadow]

Sounds like things with your mom are going really well -- that's awesome to hear, and it makes me kind of jealous, actually . Just keep talking to her -- good things happen that way. I have the double compression shirt from underworks myself, which I like quite a lot. If you have more questions about the binder, feel free to ask either in the forum or just PM me. I don't have any experience with pflag groups myself, but if you feel comfortable and ready for that, then go for it. Keep in mind that it's possible that it may be mostly gay, lesbian, or bisexual kids, and many fewer or none trans kids though.

The class trip...that's a doozie. Does everyone go on the trip usually? Is it a trip that you really really want to go on? Let's see. As I understand it from what you've said, you're not out at school, so they still think you're a girl. If you absolutely can't tell them anything, then I think you'd have to stay in the girls' dormitory, which would be pretty rough for you. I've been there, in spades. Students at my primary and secondary schools wore uniforms. I don't see how you could stay in the boys' dorm if they think you're a girl. I think whether you go or not comes down to this question: is it worth it to go to Mexico with your classmates and have to suffer sleeping in the girls dorm? You could try making a pros and cons list (listing the pros and cons of going and staying).

You're going to have to decide which is more important to you, eventually. Here's the thing though. This trip is in February of 2010. That's a little less than a year from now -- how long do you have until you have to make a decision? Don't make this decision now if you can wait and think about it more. Talk it over with your mom and it'd be a good thing to talk to your therapist about once you start seeing them this summer.

Great to hear from you and keep us posted, as always! Good luck with everything.

All the best,

Pól

not everyone one goes on the trip cause its pretty expensive. most do though. the dress code at my school doesn't make girls wear skirts and anyways we don't have to wear code on trips. If I could (by miricle) go to the guys dorm, only 9 people would know I wasn't a bio guy. (my class has a heavy populattion of girls and few guys) the other 71 wouldn't have a clue. anyways, pros and cons list...

PRO CON

go to another country sleep with girls

be with my buds use girls restroom

build a building minister

have a week off school pay $700

not have to do a make up project possibly be stuck there during 'that time'

all in all I don't know. i really want to go but when i'm forced to wear a skirt or dress for band festival (i a drummer) I have panic attacks and niightmares for months on end. last time when I was buying a new skirt, I saw myself in the mirror and had such a bad attack I turned blue. So idk what sleeping with a bunch of girls will do to me.

Any advice??

[Guest Pól_Eire]

not everyone one goes on the trip cause its pretty expensive. most do though. the dress code at my school doesn't make girls wear skirts and anyways we don't have to wear code on trips. If I could (by miricle) go to the guys dorm, only 9 people would know I wasn't a bio guy. (my class has a heavy populattion of girls and few guys) the other 71 wouldn't have a clue. anyways, pros and cons list...

PRO CON

go to another country sleep with girls

be with my buds use girls restroom

build a building minister

have a week off school pay $700

not have to do a make up project possibly be stuck there during 'that time'

all in all I don't know. i really want to go but when i'm forced to wear a skirt or dress for band festival (i a drummer) I have panic attacks and niightmares for months on end. last time when I was buying a new skirt, I saw myself in the mirror and had such a bad attack I turned blue. So idk what sleeping with a bunch of girls will do to me.

Any advice??

Colton-

Can you explain your school situation a little more? I'm not sure I get it enough to offer any advice. For instance, does your school administration think you're a guy or a girl? Teachers? Minister? How are you listed on school documents?.

If you're having panic attacks buying girly clothes (again, boy do I know what you're talking about -- I used to hyperventilate when I knew I had to buy new uniforms), then this is definitely something you need to talk to your therapist about. Like 100%, no question, this is something you should talk with them about once it gets to be summer.

Remember, you don't have to make this decision right now. It's good to be thinking about it, but don't start stressing too much. For right now, you could try to think about it as a hypothetical puzzle. That might help you think out all the possibilities and possible consequences with a clear head.

-Pól

[Guest Raging Shadow]

Colton-

Can you explain your school situation a little more? I'm not sure I get it enough to offer any advice. For instance, does your school administration think you're a guy or a girl? Teachers? Minister? How are you listed on school documents?.

If you're having panic attacks buying girly clothes (again, boy do I know what you're talking about -- I used to hyperventilate when I knew I had to buy new uniforms), then this is definitely something you need to talk to your therapist about. Like 100%, no question, this is something you should talk with them about once it gets to be summer.

Remember, you don't have to make this decision right now. It's good to be thinking about it, but don't start stressing too much. For right now, you could try to think about it as a hypothetical puzzle. That might help you think out all the possibilities and possible consequences with a clear head.

-Pól

My admin. knows I'm a girl. My documents all say Female. Minister really isn't an issue, I don't go to church. Teachers all know I'm a girl. Basicly at school I'm biologically female, I just have the shortest haircut on a girl in the entire school, am flat chested, and act male. But I think they just ignore that. Uniforms can be pants, skirts, overalls, shorts and stuff like that as long as they're khaki or navy blue. Shirts must be a solid color polo shirt. You may change for gym but I don't cause I'd have to use the restroom. There are no gender divided classes (thank God).

Thanks for everything Pol!

[Guest Pól_Eire]

My admin. knows I'm a girl. My documents all say Female. Minister really isn't an issue, I don't go to church. Teachers all know I'm a girl. Basicly at school I'm biologically female, I just have the shortest haircut on a girl in the entire school, am flat chested, and act male. But I think they just ignore that. Uniforms can be pants, skirts, overalls, shorts and stuff like that as long as they're khaki or navy blue. Shirts must be a solid color polo shirt. You may change for gym but I don't cause I'd have to use the restroom. There are no gender divided classes (thank God).

I really hate to say this, but I don't think you're going to be able to stay in the guys' dorm. If your teachers know that you're a biologically female, I think they probably legally can't let you stay in the guys' dorm. There'll probably be a teacher assigned to a group of students that you're supposed to stick with for the duration of the trip who'd be keeping track of you. They might even assign beds. I think if you can't talk to your school about the trans stuff (and it sounds like you can't, which is really too bad, but again, I understand completely) then I think if you went on the trip you'd most likely have to stay with the girls. It'd almost certainly be a legal liability for the school if you did that. I know they do things differently here than they do in Ireland, which is where I'm from, but I can't imagine it's all that different in terms of school trips.

Given that you're having real anxiety issues just over buying clothes, I think if you want to go on this trip, it's going to require you putting in some serious heavy lifting with your therapist. You'd have to get comfortable enough with everything to handle sleeping in a room with a bunch of girls even though you're a guy. If I were in your place, I'm not sure I'd be able to do that. I think it's something you could work towards, and you have a lot of time to do it, but it's something you're going to have to really want to do -- otherwise it's not going to work at all. You should talk about it with your therapist (and your mom, if you want) and decide whether that's something you actually want to pursue.

Basically, it sounds like whether or not you go on this trip comes down to this: Does your desire to go to Mexico outweigh the anxiety you're probably going to experience by having to sleep in the girls dorm and use the girls' lavatory?

Again, I'll point out that it's good to start thinking about this now, but you've got a lot of time to work out a solution. Hopefully a better solution will emerge with time, because right now, the only options I can see for you are both lousy. Do you have any ideas about how to make it work better?

Thanks for everything Pol!

You're welcome, Colton! It's been great talking to you. I just wish I could give you a more positive opinion.

-Pól