Another rough weekend and storms to come

[Guest ArianaD]

Things have deteriorated between my wife and I and I don't think it is repairable even if I tried to forget all of this and do my best to be a model of a perfect husband. She keeps saying things like "How dare you change the body God gave you, who are you to do that!" It is hard to have an as powerful comeback for that when it hurts so much to hear her say that. Lots of pain at the moment and more to come I am sure. My kids still have not been told about me and my wife and our marriage counselor want to take control of when that happens. I am weakening and not sure if I can keep battling like this every few days. I am worried I may agree to some "new arrangement" that is harmful to me.

I am not sure what to do. There is a lawyer that I found in a nearby town that is a transgender woman. I am trying to decide if it makes sense to visit her and pay for some advice on how to protect myself going forward. My wife went from being passively "supportive" of helping me through this (but only if it would lead to a 'fix' apparently), to just being angry and making it very clear that I am the bad guy, not her. She is hurting and I am causing the hurt, so I do feel extremely guilty. Yes, I am only trying to finally be myself, but my kids are stuck in the middle of a major storm they do not even know is coming.

It hurts.

[Sally]

I'm so sorry Ariana,

I did not have children so I cannot tell you how to handle that situation to protect them from just becoming pawns in the game - like any other divorce.

I do have the strong answer for "How dare you change the body God gave you, who are you to do that!" Who are the club footed and cleft palate children to change their bodies? Who are the women that have breast augmentation? Who are the people who color their hair? Why is anyone ever shaving? Tattoos, piercings - are her ears pierced? Dieting - Is that allowed?

She will walk away only partway through that list and probably not even give it a serious thought but it might make you feel better.

Love ya,
Sally

[VickySGV]

By all means contact the lawyer especially since your state is not the most Trans* friendly. It may be time to call it quits with that particular "marriage counselor" since they appear to be siding up against you with your spouse. That is totally unethical and could be grounds for action on their license. I will simply say that not all "Christians" feel the same way about us as your spouse professes. My experience this last Sunday belies her position totally!! Do you have a Gender Therapist in this? If not it is past due on time to get one because of your feelings of helplessness just now.

[Guest ArianaD]

We just came back from the appointment. I think I misinterpreted what the counselor had said last time, because after hearing both of our sides on what transpired this past week his recommendation makes sense. He wants us both to try to get some alone time while the other parent takes care of the kids (to pray and spend time thinking about and asking God what to do). He also suggested that it may be time for a trial separation where we see if that feels better for both of us so we can begin to focus more on continuing to parent together, rather than feeling stuck on two different roads. Overall it was a "good" session that finally gave us some direction. As we talked about even the trial separation I was having a tough time keeping it together. I told him that it is so hard and so confusing because the changes I have been experiencing feel so right and so freeing, yet I know I am doing damage to something I care so deeply about (my family). He gets it. There was no condemnation even though I sort of tried to start convicting myself right there.

For next week as we both take some alone time, we are also supposed to start thinking about how to talk to our kids about it and how we could possibly begin a trial separation. This terrifies me, but it also feels like a huge relief waiting to happen. So, he was not trying to control when and how the kids found out, I thought he agreed with something my wife said last week, but I was assuming something that was not there.

There is still hope in me that this will work into a healthy living situation for all of us and that somehow my wife and I will at least remain close friends who can work together on things as needed. I do still plan on contacting the lawyer to have an introductory chat so I can have her on speed dial when and if needed. I will need her anyway for help with legal transition and protections with work.

I will keep posting updates, I know there are married girls on this site who are considering doing what I am doing. I hope this helps others.

-Ariana

[Guest Hannah Emma]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I do hope you will remain friends... its the same hope I have with my wife. I am almost certain that when I start HRT, my wife will have similar issues. I do pray that everything goes well for you.

[Guest suden]

I feel for you Adiana. I fear for my marriage almost daily. But I believe you have to be true to your self first. if not you may never be truly happy inside or out!

God loves you so will your kids. Hopefully your wife will come to some understanding of your reality of who you need to be. I,ll be thinking of you and yours.

Eden

[Guest Raya]

Oh, Arianna, so sorry you are feeling more hurt.

Hang in there, you may have just passed thru the bad part of a "worse before better" situation.

The counselor sounds like a positive, and if the worst happens and you separate, the talking about the impact on the kids is a definite plus.

"She is hurting and you caused the hurt"

Hmm. I appreciate that you accept responsibility for your part- you have to do that to be well- but, it sounds unfair and incomplete. You were hurting, and took positive steps to heal, and will be better. You will also be different. She has to make some attempt at acceptance of you, and quit using the God stick to bludgeon you into her preferred form.

Granted, she did not expect this large a departure from her plans, but it seems time to plan a new path forward, and not drag you backward.

So, long reply, and deep into your business, truly hope to help you feel better and get through a difficult time.