Can't Seem To Quit Drinking.

[Guest Pioneer]

I feel so alone. It's just one of those many probs that I'm dealing with.

I use to drink 10+ beer a day for about a year now but I stopped (trying to quit) for a week and then drink again a week later, and then stop for another week and start all over again, and now I'm drinking again.

I don't wanna get a liver disease because that's what my Grandfather died from and I don't even remember him.

I got turned down by a girl I like when I asked her out this Monday..well..I tried to but she said she has a boyfriend with a big happy smile and that just totally caught me off guard. Now she probably thinks I'm some kind of a weirdo.

I'm just venting why I have no love in my life. I had a few chances but I just kicked it all off thinking I'm not ready for a relationship. Now that I want some love in my life, I can't seem to find it.

Thanks for reading at least. No need to reply. That's what all of you are here for and I'm abusing that previlage. lol.

[Paula ult]

I never told anyone this before but when i was in my 20's, many years ago, i drank lots of hard stuff every night and some of the wacky tabacky, i will admit i was an alcoholic. I know i did this to try to forget my gender problems but it didn't help, i got into some trouble with the law and that gives you a wake up call big time, after that i quit cold turkey. You seem like you really want to quit, you might try getting some help thru AA or if you just want to talk to someone you can pm me.

I'm sorry about the date, it seems when we are not interested in a relationship that's when we seem to find them, when we are looking, no such luck. Don't worry some will come along.

Paula.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well - tough one! I was not heavily drinking (so i thought) but i was trying to take the edge off my real problem - my gender identity problem!

I would drink and lose my inhibitions - go in the back and dress. I can't tell you how many time I would wake up the next day in full drag. And i asn't out to anyone - and i thought I was a simple cross dresser! Ha...

I had to resolve all that so i could gain control of my life again. I always wandere if I was at AA and introducing myself, "Hi, I am Elizabeth, although i look like a guy, I am an alcoholic and a transesexual. They might have added a few more steps to my program?

What do we do? We somehow ask for help - I did - from GOD and a gender THERAPIST.

I don't drink much now - and am MUCH happier.

Just a thought.

Lizzy

[Guest Sergei]

I have to say that I was a big time alcoholic for about 4 years. I like you drank 10+ beers and a few shots every night. I always thought that my alcoholisim was down to my gender problem. I kept thinking that the second I went on testosterone I would get better. But I didn't. I didn't get better because I still wasn't 100% happy. There was a unrequited love issue in there as well. A man I feel deeply in love with, but who could never possibly feel the same way back about me. So I continued to drink. AA is great for some people. But I knew it wasn't the way forward for me. I just nhad to come naturally to a point where I know longer wanted to drink. I had to look at all the things I considered inperfect in my life, and just accept them for what they were. It sounds strange, but it was only when I finally accepted these things that I became a happier person. And it was only then that I was finally able to stop drinking. You may think I'm talking rubbish. But I feel that if you're a strong person one day you'll come to this point. And bear in mind it isn't something you can force yourself to do. It's a natural progression. Till then look afteryourself. And try and cut down as much as you can. I hope you get better. x

[Sally]

Dear Pioneer,

It is a sad commentary on the lives that we have lived while hiding our true selves from everyone and trying to deny it ourselves that substance abuse and causing ourselves physical harm are so common in our community.

Your story is not too different from so many here, although I must confess that I never turned to either of these behaviors.

Some people think that was because I was so 'strong', but in fact I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic and didn't need that added problem and I can't stand pain - so basically my innate cowardice saved me - it also added decades onto my unhappy life as a man.

I can however, totally sympathize with the never finding love - I was even married but I don't think that she ever actually love me, just wanted to married I think (her sisters were).

The best 'real' relationship that I have ever had is much more recent, on line and as luck would have it a trans man.

We share a lot about our dreams and hopes and just enjoy the time together, but we don't live in the same state so it may never be anything more than just our 'Internet Dates' but it is making me very happy and I have someone who knows about me, cares about me and loves me without any reservations about my past and I have none about his.

That is so much more than I have ever had in my life.

And as is so often the case, it happened when I wasn't looking for it!

You need to concentrate on one problem at a time, you haven't had much luck attacking the drinking problem so maybe you should really put all of your attention to your gender identity issues and see if the drinking doesn't begin to taper off as you concentrate more on the problem that caused it.

And as was so well stated in a song, "You Can't Hurry Love!", as you get more comfortable with yourself it will just happen.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Leigh]

you can quit. i know you can. don't doubt yourself. you have the strength.

if you know you have a problem then now is the time to act. talk to a close friend, or a professional, get all that beer out of your home.

stay away from the places where you get tempted. you can do it. if you can come this far in life, having been through all the hardships that you must have been through, you know you're stronger than alcohol.

peace&love

[Guest Pioneer]

Thanks all Paula, Lizzy, Sergei, Sally, and NobleLight for your advices.

I'll be planning to visit my old friends on the Memorial Day weekend in May that I haven't seen in years so that's uplifting and keep my minds off of few things. I'm really excited about that. Of course we are gonna celebrate with lots of drinks but I think I can handle it hehe..

I'm just gonna stop buying drinks for now. It'll be hard but I think that's easier to do so than having them sitting in my refrig tempting me. I finished my last beer yesterday and I was sick this morning going in and out of bathroom like crazy so I think that's some kind of a sign.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear, Dear Pioneer!!

Drinking is not your true issue that you are struggling with... you are suffering, my dear of self loathing!! I know this all too well!! When you said that you asked a girl out and then she thought you were wierd... my dear, that's part of the symptomology!! The first thing that I suggest that you do is to work on being more comfortable with who you are. That may require abstaining from alcohol, but I cannot say, and I won't judge!! the more important issue here is not your drinking!! It is your sense of self worth!! My dear, you are absolutely beautiful!! You have in your possession the ability to show how loving you can be. You have already demonstrated that to us by your posting!! You are a very caring and loving person... that is more valuable than you can possibly imagine!!

I care, we all care for you.

You are worth loving... I love you

bernie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I answered you already - but I keep thinking about you. So let me add that i believe one of the hardest things you face quiting your drinking, is NOTHING is there - absolutely a huge hole in time where your drinking was once taking place.

You might want to see what to use to fill that hole - something less harmful like video gaming or ... errrr... um...... posting on Laura's? I also use CHAT! Now that will kill a few hours! Yikes.

keep us posted...

Lizzy

[Guest Pioneer]

You are worth loving...

That one made my day! I've repeated that words several times already hehe. Thank you Bernie.

I think you are right about the self esteem issue and I need to work on it.

I answered you already - but I keep thinking about you. So let me add that i believe one of the hardest things you face quiting your drinking, is NOTHING is there - absolutely a huge hole in time where your drinking was once taking place.

You might want to see what to use to fill that hole - something less harmful like video gaming or ... errrr... um...... posting on Laura's? I also use CHAT! Now that will kill a few hours! Yikes.

keep us posted...

Lizzy

Hey Lizzy.

Yea, that's what I'm tryiing to do. I'm just keeping myself busy until May. It's tempting to get beer as days pass but I'll be okay. Thanks for worrying.

[Guest cerise]

Hello Pioneer

For me coming to terms with who I am was the beginning of my recovery however it took me a while to stop drinking and using after that .I like yourself had acute emotional relapses during sobriety around the topic of dating the opposite sex .

Aside from that , AA worked for me and not only that , but in Vancouver where I live I am finding that there are more transgendered people in AA as I go along . Apparently last week there was a Roundup for gay lesbian and Tg people along side the main AA roundup .

AA is great because acceptance of others is vital to our sobriety ie. survival .

Don't have time cause I am just on my way to meeting but as Bernie said drinking is but a symptom of our problem however for real alcoholics like myself there is also a physical craving that is activated by the first drink .

Other non alcoholics can be problem drinkers and never experience this condition.

Gotta go as I am late .

Chow,

[Guest Pioneer]

For me coming to terms with who I am was the beginning of my recovery however it took me a while to stop drinking and using after that .I like yourself had acute emotional relapses during sobriety around the topic of dating the opposite sex .

Hey Cerise, thanks for your reply.

I'm not sure of that last statement on that quote and I hope you can eleborate on it. So are you saying you don't like opposite sex now that you realized and accepted your true self or am I reading it wrong? Sorry if I'm being rude or anything for asking that.

[Guest cerise]

I like women and really don't have any attraction for men . My counselor said that I am a lesbian , female by nature but attracted to woman . I have always thought the same and have thought that a relationship with a gay woman might work but have yet to try .

My anxiety to do with this topic of relationships stems from that I do not want to bury my female self again and any relationship I have in the future can only go forward if they know that I am transgendered by nature .

I know girls that I could date but this is always a barrier as I feel they want a normal hetro relationship and the fear of telling them the truth manifests itself in anxiety and depression .

I have buried who I was once during the marriage and it was a regret and my innerself was in conflict . Drinking and pot were a way of coping with it and when I finally decided that "cerise" wasn't going to go away and began the process of accepting who I was my frustration went away and my depression subsided .

My pot smoking went down as I was no longer trying to stave off any female episodes and I began my transition however awkward it was in the beginning.

As my recovery progresses my understanding of women and fear of rejection is lessening but I do not want to go back into hiding and I think sometimes that the depression and or anxiety that bubbles up in facing relationships is my female side reacting in fear to the prospect of being put back in the closet and darkness.

[Guest Pioneer]

Thank you for sharing, Cerise.

I had a huge crush on a guy back in my Middle school days but I have no feelings towards any other guys. I still think about him time to time though. I prefer women than men like you but I think I would not mine if some handsome, cute guy made a move on me and swoop my feet off the floor. lol.

For the update, though, I've slipped back to drinking. But I'm making a progress by drinking only on the weekends.

[Guest Leigh]

For the update, though, I've slipped back to drinking. But I'm making a progress by drinking only on the weekends.

that is a little progress...but keep in mind that if you set goals for yourself, you can't compromise. last year i was having some problems with drinking myself (binge drinking, mostly) and i kept telling myself that i would quit, or that i'd only have 3 drinks a night. but i kept letting my rules slip until i woke up one morning with no memory of the night before and covered in my own p*ss and vomit. it wasn't the first time i blacked out, and maybe that made it more clear to me that i really had to quit. even if it's just for a few months, and then you can go back into those situations with the control that you need. i don't know if you're prone to breaking your own rules... but if you are, just think about what i'm saying.

peace&love

[Guest cerise]

As regarding the guy girl thing in the past I have gotten possessive over a friend and resented his girlfriend enough for me to notice it .

Part of being female by nature (for me) is need to seduce and I have thought about it but have yet to take that step .

At this time I am remaining single with little interest in relationships other than to be attracted to and chat with the women in the program .

That is another thing that is great about AA is that you get to know women in way that is hard under normal circumstances by way of their sharing at meetings.

I had resentments towards woman part because I wanted what they had but mostly cause I didn't understand them .

Things I found out is that woman resent other women cause they are competing with them for guys and jobs .

I also found that woman who looked beautiful and looked like they were totally together were full of fear and insecure about how others perceived them . I am "not there yet" but I stretch myself each day by talking to them without trying to get anything out of them .

Regarding the drinking , beating yourself up over relapses does no good and my and others feelings are that relapse is part of recovery .

Unfortunately when it comes to alcoholism "It gets worse , never better " Brief periods of recovery are an illusion .

[Guest Pioneer]

that is a little progress...but keep in mind that if you set goals for yourself, you can't compromise. last year i was having some problems with drinking myself (binge drinking, mostly) and i kept telling myself that i would quit, or that i'd only have 3 drinks a night. but i kept letting my rules slip until i woke up one morning with no memory of the night before and covered in my own p*ss and vomit. it wasn't the first time i blacked out, and maybe that made it more clear to me that i really had to quit. even if it's just for a few months, and then you can go back into those situations with the control that you need. i don't know if you're prone to breaking your own rules... but if you are, just think about what i'm saying.

peace&love

Woah you must have freaked out. I heard some people die from that because their vomit chokes them while they were still out cold. I don't think I've ever come close to that though. I just take a break and drink tons of water so I don't get hang over and then just start drinking all over again after few hours. And, yea, I always break my own rules. As I was drinking yesterday, 2nd one turned into 9th one and I'm like well one more won't hurt and I kept on drinking. Even though I don't get hangovers with my method, I do get sick and spend hours in bathroom the next morning, which isn't fun anymore.

As regarding the guy girl thing in the past I have gotten possessive over a friend and resented his girlfriend enough for me to notice it .

Part of being female by nature (for me) is need to seduce and I have thought about it but have yet to take that step .

At this time I am remaining single with little interest in relationships other than to be attracted to and chat with the women in the program .

That is another thing that is great about AA is that you get to know women in way that is hard under normal circumstances by way of their sharing at meetings.

I had resentments towards woman part because I wanted what they had but mostly cause I didn't understand them .

Things I found out is that woman resent other women cause they are competing with them for guys and jobs .

I also found that woman who looked beautiful and looked like they were totally together were full of fear and insecure about how others perceived them . I am "not there yet" but I stretch myself each day by talking to them without trying to get anything out of them .

Regarding the drinking , beating yourself up over relapses does no good and my and others feelings are that relapse is part of recovery .

Unfortunately when it comes to alcoholism "It gets worse , never better " Brief periods of recovery are an illusion .

I kinda know what you mean about resenment towards women. I sometimes get jealous when one girl gets the all the attention and I'm like waiting for guys to talk to me even when I'm not even attracted to those guys in the first place. But my guy side tells me to snap out of it and tell me to talk to that cute girl like the rest of guys. But, by that point, I'm too mad at her to talk to her even though she has done nothing to me. Lol it's weird. I'm still trying to figure out which part of my being should I listen to more. My male side is winning at the moment I guess. I don't know. I've grown up from the religious background so I'm also conflicted with that too.

Thanks again Noblelight and Cerise for your advice and insight.

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

I feel so alone. It's just one of those many probs that I'm dealing with.

I use to drink 10+ beer a day for about a year now but I stopped (trying to quit) for a week and then drink again a week later, and then stop for another week and start all over again, and now I'm drinking again.

I don't wanna get a liver disease because that's what my Grandfather died from and I don't even remember him.

I got turned down by a girl I like when I asked her out this Monday..well..I tried to but she said she has a boyfriend with a big happy smile and that just totally caught me off guard. Now she probably thinks I'm some kind of a weirdo.

I'm just venting why I have no love in my life. I had a few chances but I just kicked it all off thinking I'm not ready for a relationship. Now that I want some love in my life, I can't seem to find it.

Thanks for reading at least. No need to reply. That's what all of you are here for and I'm abusing that previlage. lol.

I'm sorry you are feeling so loney Pioneer. I have had alcholol problems myself. Was a binge alchololic. Once I started to drink I could not stop until I was nearly passed out. Did not drink everyday but whenever I went to a party or social event and alcholol was served I took advantage of it. Last week was my last taste of alcholol. Was at another social event and wine was being served. I consumed around 6 glasses of wine. After the event I went to a friends house and consumed another two to three beers. I was tanked. Made a promise to myself the next day, to never again touch alcholol. So far I am doing good. I rarely have alcholol in my home so I do not have to worry about temptation at home. I also have learned that alcholol can make one's skin age more quickly. I don't want that. Now if I can just stay away from the Chocolate. Lol. Some people can go cold turkey and never touch alcholol again, others may need to go to AA meetings. Support is crucial and you are in the right place for that.

Hugs,

Suzie

[Guest Pioneer]

Thank you SuzieCh and I hope you keep your promise and stay strong and away from alcohol abuse. I sincerely do since it's a terrible thing. I should be an expert by now on alcoholism lol.

I also loved chocolate but it gave me a big scare of rotten teeth and then the dentist told me it was only a minor and it didn't cost much haha. I stay away from chocolate as far away from possible now days. I don't like visiting dentists, you know? hehe.

*Big hugs for SuzieCh* Best wishes.

[Guest doodle]

Hi pioneer and everyone else i have similar problems drinking and pot for years. I've gotten much better almost stopped after I started HRT I still drink once on awhile last night I got wrecked. Thee are some stress moments that push me and I reach for the bottle. I can get by these moments most of the time these days but not lately . I've been having some bad dreams I'm sure you know what pushes your buttons being rejected pushes everyones

doodle

[Guest Pioneer]

Hi pioneer and everyone else i have similar problems drinking and pot for years. I've gotten much better almost stopped after I started HRT I still drink once on awhile last night I got wrecked. Thee are some stress moments that push me and I reach for the bottle. I can get by these moments most of the time these days but not lately . I've been having some bad dreams I'm sure you know what pushes your buttons being rejected pushes everyones

doodle

I feel you even though I'm not even sure what I want to be male or female. Yea, stress drives me crazy and I just want to not deal with it sometimes. Drinking makes me forget everything. And yea I've been having bad dreams as well and I agree with your last statement.

[Sally]

The hardest thing to do is break a habbit.

You get stressed and reach for a bottle or a drug, I reach for a burger or a pizza.

We all have to unlearn the unhealthy habbits and addictions and if we have to, put something constructive in thier place.

It is not easy and I know how many times I've lost the battle with food and am still struggling, it seems at times that only food is always there to comfort me - midnight and 2 AM snacking are bad enough but entire mels?

We all have problems to face let's all try to face them with healthier crutches to prop us up!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

How are things working for you Pioneer? So far I've been sober, not a drop of Alcholol. I've been tempted, believe me. I just drink Ice Tea and I'm not talking Long Islands either, one of my favorite drinks, Lol. Water too, cant have eneough of that. Once in awhile I will have a soda. Like Sally said though we have to substitute with something healthy, so......my immediate goal is to start working out at the local gym. It's healthy and I do need to lose weight, plus I will be able to fit into a smaller dress size. Yeah!!! K, just wanted to check in.

Hugs,

Suzie

[Guest Pioneer]

Hello again, SuzieCh

I'm glad that you are doing so well. Thank you for checking in. I hope everything works out for you, especially your current goal of staying healthy and fitting into cute dresses hehe. You sound so happy aww *hugs* My hair is growing out okay and I pranced around a bit wearing my long wig today in front of the mirror. That was fun. Now that you mention it, I wish I had a cute dress to wear haha.

Abut my drinking, I don't now what else to say other than I'm failing meserably. As of now I've gone back to drinking everyday. It's like harder I try, the harder I fall. It's been awhile now but I've been ignoring this little stretch like pain on my lower right side. I don't think it's kidney stone because I would be already dead by now lol. I think it's because of dehydration from too much drinking. If I stop drinking for a couple days the pain goes away so yea. That's kinda motivating me to take my drinking slowly but I just bought another case of beer today so we'll see.

[Guest Leigh]

Abut my drinking, I don't now what else to say other than I'm failing meserably. As of now I've gone back to drinking everyday. It's like harder I try, the harder I fall. It's been awhile now but I've been ignoring this little stretch like pain on my lower right side. I don't think it's kidney stone because I would be already dead by now lol. I think it's because of dehydration from too much drinking. If I stop drinking for a couple days the pain goes away so yea. That's kinda motivating me to take my drinking slowly but I just bought another case of beer today so we'll see.

come on, you can do it.. if you have physical pain, you should really, really think about it seriously. have joined any kind of support network? like AA?

at least go see a doctor about that pain.

peace&love

Leigh