Things people ask when they don't know you are transgender (after transition)

[Ravin]

So, I have not had reason or occasion to tell coworkers at my new job I'm trans. I do mention my husband with some frequency, so they probably assume I'm gay.

Today, I showed a coworker a picture of my kids. She asked if they were biological siblings.

Pre-transition, people who knew I was married always assumed I was their biological mother. Now, some assume they are adopted, I guess?

Has anyone else run into unexpected social side effects of transition?

[VickySGV]

Too many to keep separated and categorized. (Whew, almost said "keep straight") My own kids (now adult) do not call me Mom since that is for their biological mother, but they get questions on if I am their mother and it can get puzzling on how to answer. I have several younger Trans* friends who do playfully call me Mom and that is no problem at all. I refer to myself as "parent" or "grandparent" when talking about my children or grand children, and most of the time get away with it. The one where I do feel a teeny tiny bit sorry is when I gel read as my oldest daughter's daughter or younger sibling!! I also get taken for my youngest brother's younger sister ( I am 12 years older than he is.) when he was the family baby of my generation. My ex wife got taken for my mother one time on record. (OHHHH!!)

In a nutshell, this is common.

[Charlize]

It has actually taken time for me to say the words my wife in public. That continues in certain situations. It seems a double wammie. First i'm trans* and i manage to come out. Then i'm a lesbian and have learn to come out yet again. This was something i never thought of. I'm sure it was one of the things my wife had to accept right away. I am pained to think that i wasn't as understanding as i could have been. Perhaps the process of transition was as much as i could take on.

With my grand kids i'm Grandie and that works. With my son i'll always be dad ( i just hope he remembers to use grandee when we're out). How others see the family i'm not sure and may depend upon the person and situation. It would be nice it it were not an issue but i'm afraid i'll always live with it.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Deanna]

The first time this happen was at a parent teachers conf.. The My Wife and I walked in with our son and the teacher asked " Which one of you is the mother?". Basicly, she was going to ignore the other person. I said we are both the parents.

Deanna

[Charlize]

I have been cogitating a bit. My wife is in a wheelchair with MS. One woman helping another seems to be accepted but twice i've been asked if she is my mother. Fortunately she only heard the comment once. I was also asked what my relationship with the "other woman" was. "my very best long time friend" was the answer. That was not long after going full time and in the rural south. The gentleman who asked was pleased as he responded that his mom took care of his aunt as well.

I like the "which one of you is the mother".

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

On the day after "Mom's weekend" at the college, I had a "Frat boy" call our house, and began to charm me with kinky questions.

He asked "do you paint your toenails and if so, what color ?" I told him they were "Peach", and he could not get his head around this, I had to explain what Peach was

Then he asked me "can you touch your nose with your tounge ?", I told him no, but I know that Gene Simmons (bass player for KISS) could. He did not know about Gene Simmons (age thing), so I got to enlighten him on Gene Simmons tounge

C -

[JJ]

Those things crop up all the time. Sometimes when talking to someone who doesn't know something comes out or is said in a way that confuses them. Usually now I just smile and go right on. And they drop it or maybe puzzle about it some but don't ask. I am not trying to hide that I am trans but at the same time I didn't transition to live as a transman but as a man . So mostly I just let it slide unless asked a direct question and no one has. Unless they knew me before and already knew. Humans are curious by nature but at the same time come across puzzles and things that they don't understand all the time and just let them go most of the time.

I've had to develop a whole new set of speech habits too. I no longer say "Whe I had my daughter" but instead say "When my daughter was born". And have to watch for "When I was a little girl" creeping in rather than "When I was a kid".

One of the worst things was a couple of years ago when a guy and I were taking waiting in a line and something came up about looking intimidating-O apparently still do when I am annoyed as I was at someone who cut in life. Anyway I popped off with something about not worrying because I hadn't hit anyone in a couple of decades -not since my ex who had it coming. Now as a woman saying that when I was 5'5" and he was over a foot taller and did physical labor was one thing but saying it as a man implied I had hit a woman and had a whole other vibe. Really chilled the conversation and there was really no way to explain that would make it any better.

As a result of transition I've had to develop a whole new censor in my head.

Another problem is children. I worked with children my whole life and they are naturally drawn to me. When I looked like someone's grandmother it wasn't a problem but now it has been a couple of times. Yesterday n a pet store a little girl about 8 started talking to me about a kitten I had paused to look at. I just said it was a nice kitten but she stated telling me all about how much she wanted a cat and why she didn't have one. I just smiled and moved on but she followed me. I had to frown at her and almost be rude . It was so against my nature and felt bad but a man-especially an older man-just can't talk to an unsupervised child- especially a little girl -or have her follow him around a store. I never saw the girl's family-in the past I would have taken her to them-but was concerned about the implications and repercussions of doing even that. I miss interacting with children more than anything else that changed in transition. But the reality is that I have had to relearn how I react around children. Find a way to be non threatening but not inviting as I always was before. f

I think that is to some degree something FTMs who have been mother's will face because we will be read altogether differently is we are motherly to children who are not our own now. Even to the comments we make about pictures of other people's children. It's sad and hard but a reality of the way things are in the world now

Gender roles are complex and our histories cross gender make it really challenging sometimes.

Johnny

[Guest KerryUK]

I was asked once if my wife is my mother. She heard and was absolutely mortified. I was mortified for her. I just replied with, "no, she's actually my best friend and that it's not a very nice thing to ask because it implies that you think she looks old." They apologised but we haven't been back since - they lost our custom.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Ravin,

Yeah, I frequently am asked by female wine tour guests: "have you had any children", to which I simply reply "no I haven't had any children" without elaboration. So far that has been sufficient, which is good, since that awkward question comes up a lot. Besides I do like to be truthful, and the truth is that I was just born without the ability to bear children, so that is what I will say if anyone wishes me to elaborate. I avoid the subject of past relationships, that way I avoid being perceived as bi or lesbian. Instead I talk about my boyfriend Alex, and stuff. Occasionally I am unavoidably seen as a lipstick lesbian whenever Alex needs to show I.D. , this happened when I had a car repair, and also when he purchased a motorcycle for his commute to U.C. Davis. Fortunately that issue should be resolved next month when our official name, and gender changes are done.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Has anyone else run into unexpected social side effects of transition?

Well, when I was changing my name at the bank after it was made official/legal, the lady asked if I got married.

[Ravin]

These are all great. I know what you mean about that internal censor, Johnny. I am taking it slow with my coworkers because this is a conservative culture, and while there are traditional concepts about gender that are less hostile, they aren't necessarily common knowledge and there is also a lot of conservative Christian influence on the culture. They all seem fine with me being gay because I'm not one of them--I get the impression it would be more frowned on for one of their own.

[Guest sydney]

My wife and I were visiting my parents in South Florida last April and they have two community pools in their neighborhood. My wife and I were at one of them and we both were wearing just a one piece bathing suit and we started chatting with some of the women there. This one woman I was talking to asked if we were a couple and I said yes and told her we were married. She said I'm glad you were able to do that. She then tells a story about her lesbian sister in NY was in a relationship with her partner for 20 years and built a life together. (Bought a house together, etc.) Before they got married her partner died unexpectedly from an aneurysm and her partner's 25 year old son from a previous relationship who had been supportive of her mother's lesbian relationship came in and got everything and her sister got nothing because she had no rights.

She then asked when did we get married. I didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to out myself since there was no legal gay marriage 18 years ago anywhere when we married in 1997, so I said we had a ceremony 18 years ago but we did all the legal stuff in June 2014 (when I did my name change, but she didn't need to know that.)

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

Most of whats talked about here did not effect me or change my answers to people. as they all had been told yes nation wide , so very few ,s were asked of Jos and I and our children and grandkids,

as im my interviews we talked about Jos who gave birth to our children and what we were going to do later in our life together , and that took 14 years to work out, so the main difference was and is they knew our background so nothing was hidden , an open book if you like just part of our life and who we knew and many we still do ,an acceptance that comes with being well known .

People and asking ?.s

Okay what about to day and when i meet new people so what shoulds i say when asked do you have children yes we do and Jos gave birth to our 3 and so who,s the dad ,i am , yet your a female , yes . an intersexed female , and if they wont to know more thay can ask and some do as many have no idear of us and our bodys and why we are like this ,

Children and this.....

your a boy ,,, oh am i ..yes okay then what if i say im a girl and just a little different ...oh...no your a boy , well i had Dejarn with me and yes many others around us , our grandchild Dejarn you tell this lad what i am she was 8 , she is a girl ... no shes not shes a boy ...thinking ,, your a girl then ...yes ,,,okay funny as his grand Mom and Dad were there very imbarrast with it all, i said dont be . this was at our Pack n Save Mall with many people watching ,

you know what i have a ball when this happens , apart from the fun side im able to teach others we can be different and just be part of socitey and talk with others as just normal people even though they find us different and its just part of life , and i enjoy it , am i crazzy maybe ,....

I think in many ways its easyer in my case because im not trying to be like a girl / woman or a boy / male theres no issues as i see it in how i interact with people middle road if you like and you find people just see you for who you are, and they get to know the real me as a person .

I have people work for me in different aspects of what we do they come to me if theres an issue they dont go ...oh dear are you a male or female its your a female lets just get on with the job inhand and do it and after so we going to do this again at a later date , hope so yes ,,iv allways been hard on myself in how i look ya ya facial features yet its really not an issue , just how i see myself ,

so yes i fit in and accepted .

When others see in you and know what you can do and how you go about things ,issues , and problems , do you think they are going to ? you because of how you look ,,, in my case ... im asked to be there and take charge does that not say acceptance in its highest form and your just accepted as any normal person , i know it does .

...noeleena...

[Guest KerryUK]

She then asked when did we get married. I didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to out myself since there was no legal gay marriage 18 years ago anywhere when we married in 1997, so I said we had a ceremony 18 years ago but we did all the legal stuff in June 2014 (when I did my name change, but she didn't need to know that.)

This is something that my wife and I have not come across yet. I like your style Sydney, I may even copy you.

Kerry x.

[Ravin]

I don't think I would be inclined to outright lie to avoid outing myself, but I avoid discussing parenting topics like childbirth and breastfeeding from a first person experience perspective, and when talking about my daughter's birth talked about when she first "arrived."

If my kids are actually around, stealth is beyond possibility because I'm still "mom" to them.

[Guest sydney]

She then asked when did we get married. I didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to out myself since there was no legal gay marriage 18 years ago anywhere when we married in 1997, so I said we had a ceremony 18 years ago but we did all the legal stuff in June 2014 (when I did my name change, but she didn't need to know that.)

This is something that my wife and I have not come across yet. I like your style Sydney, I may even copy you.

Kerry x.

Thank you. Feel free to use it