The day has been picked

[MarcieMarie12]

Thanks! I'm about to lose it at work. On the one hand I am excited to leave as I can be myself without troubling her anymore on the other, it really was a good marriage and I love her and still care about her.

[Guest Ladyinker]

They say that time heals all wounds, maybe time will heal this in your life as well. Your wife may just need some space and time to figure this out for herself. Is she seeing a therapist? It could help if she isn't. You never know, in a few months she may realize that it is you that she loves, not your outside appearance. I know it is hard to move forward with a S.O. in the picture, my S.O. and I had a blow up last week. I felt bad, because what I am doing is having an impact on her life. However, we are committed to talking things through, and keeping in mind that this is only the beginning of this journey. Neither of us can say how we will feel in six months, no one in any relationship can honestly say that. Things happen, feelings change. Being transgendered isn't something you can just quit. Oh, you could stop your journey, but you know deep inside that you wouldn't be happy doing that. Yes, taking this journey is hard, and you have to be a little selfish about it. However Marcie, you have friends here.

Erin

[MarcieMarie12]

Yeah, she's seeing a therapist. I tried quitting (well not realizing what I was trying to quit) and that went as well as expected.

[Guest So-kool]

My situation was probably seconds away from divorce papers...... as opposed to Hours now! har har. I promised to control myself as much as possible if she would stay with me and went so far as to go off hormones and trash ALL my girl stuff. I really could not demand ANYTHING of her! So, I tried to comply with her demands and eventually brought things in little by little and her tolerance grew little by little. We still have very hard days of crying and being miserable but I think we are both mourning the previous Marriage we had together. There are still things I can not do, But our enjoyable days are getting to be more and more.

Marcie: perhaps plead with her to consider not separating where you live together. Paper is just paper but if you practice living apart from each other, It becomes easier to live apart and continue growing apart. I left for a week to gather my head but returned with a vow that even if it appears hopeless and full of torture, I will NOT RUN.

by all means give her whatever space she needs by allowing her to leave but let her know you are there for her when she returns.

If it feels like you are going to be miserable forever and there is no way things are EVER going to work out? You are probably on the right track! I have never encountered a harder challenge in my entire life.!

Wish you all the best!

[Guest Ladyinker]

This is very hard when there is an S.O. involved. I have had a recent development myself. My S.O. came home from work last night and revealed to me that she had went behind my back and outed me to my children. My children are adults now and no longer live with us. She only revealed this information to me because she was in a very heated argument with my children and afraid that they would tell me that she had betrayed my trust. All of this is because she is having a hard time dealing with and adjusting to my gender disphoria. I do feel really hurt by this, but I did not meet her with any anger over it. The new compromise is that I can live full time as a woman, but I wont be starting hormones for the time being. I am ok with the new plan, I am very hurt by her betrayal. She says that both the kids are just fine with me being transgender, I have yet to talk with them about it though. Ok, going to go cry some more as I didn't let myself cry last night.

Erin

[tracy_j]

Hi Erin

Sorry to hear that but I think you may realise that it is very easy to think we are doing the right thing and have to regret and fear for a considerable time after. We have all been there (at least I have). Your S.O. will have learnt from this. I would agree with the way you reacted and would be hurt in the same way.

I hope things go well with the children!

Tracy x

[MarcieMarie12]

I am better today than I was yesterday. For me, I ask if I can even fight it. Either she will be unhappy that I am transitioning or I will be if I do not. It came down to being that simple. We were 1 month away from 4 years, so at least we didn't drag it out. We're being really amicable about it, as we both realize we still love each other and care for each other (and we want to keep lawyers' fees down). If she was bi, the marriage probably would have survived, but she's not. Am I sad, yes, bitter, no.

[Guest So-kool]

Marcie: If there is any bright side to be observed, I would say that when one door closes, Another one opens. There is a whole wide open future if you and your SO part.

and one thing I have learned in transition is that predicting the future is IMPOSSIBLE ! Where else can you get a chance to Face your greatest Fears and Experience your Wildest Dreams ?!!!! always remember that the lows are followed by the High's ! Look forward to a Fantastic future! IT WILL HAPPEN !

Ladyinker: sometimes a SO needs someone to talk to and they also need to experience other peoples initial reactions first hand when they first hear the news. It actually helps them to travel with you on your journey so don't be too hard on her for outing you. try to understand it was something she needed to experience.

[Guest KerryUK]

If she was bi, the marriage probably would have survived, but she's not.

Well Marcie, I have to admit that I don't believe her sexuality would have made any difference. My wife of nearly 24 years is not bi nor interested in women in any way - other than as friends. We remain together as best friends/partners and it works for us. She fell in love with the person inside, it just so happened that the outside of me needed to change and she realised that she still loves the person I've become. In fact, with time she has realised that she prefers me as I am now. Like I said earlier on in this thread - its a big ask we make to our S/Os.

Kerry

[MarcieMarie12]

Yeah, I know. Not all S/O's are understanding, and the minute they find out they don't stay (or kick the spouse out). Mine stuck it out for about 5 months. During thatt time I went from crossdressing every morning to going out. Even spent an entire weekend as myself. Before that weekend my doubts had some substance, after that I can look at how I felt and still feel. I want to Marcie 24/7. I need to go on HRT (start in January), and I am pretty sure because of the nature of some aspects of my dysphoria I'll be getting GCS.

[Guest Ladyinker]

On the other side of the weekend, and I am not sure how things sit here. We went to Christmas bazaars on Saturday, and I was dressed as a woman all day. I foolishly wore heels all day, a mistake I will not make again. At the end of the day we went grocery shopping and that is where something interesting happened. I was in a sweater dress that is above the knee. After my S.O. and I are in the car she turns to me and says " just about walked over and decked the produce guy. " I asked her why and she replied with " All he could do was stare at your legs like a sexually arroused little goat. " I said " well better that he was looking at my legs and not my face. " I found it shocking that she would become possesive of me while I was dressed as a woman. However, yesterday she came home and I am sensing that there is a disturbance in the force..

Erin

[Guest KerryUK]

Sounds like she is trying to come to terms with it all Erin, she may just need time. I know that my partner is very protective of me - it's taken a long time to get to where we are though. None of us can tell exactly whether our partner will stay or not - like somebody else said here, only time will tell.

Kerry

[Guest Ladyinker]

Yeah Kerry, one day at a time is all we can do.

Erin

[Guest So-kool]

My wife and I discussed plans to go out on New Years eve to a random party. she said the she knows how I would want to dress and she is not ready yet. Plus she mentioned the fact that she would expect to be hit on in front of me or even that I may be hit on as well. I said " that's ok honey I understand your concerns and we can stay home and celebrate it together. yes I would rather be out dressed up and partying but in this instance I am able to compromise and I know she will appreciate it.

[Guest Ladyinker]

I have had another set back. My S.O. is having problems with me even dressing as a woman now, so I have stopped for the time being. I don't like it, but I have little choice here.

Erin

[Guest So-kool]

Good Choice Ladyinker, Quite often a retreat will allow the dust to settle and new tolerance and new perspectives on what the future may look like.

I know the retreat is hard as heck to deal with. I recently had to Make huge compromise for Thanksgiving and have people call me Male Pronouns and I even got SLAPPED UP SIDE THE HEAD WITH " Sir" ! I suffered Greatly with Anxiety and Depression the Day Before and Put on my old "Happy Face" for the Gathering and Then Crashed into Depression on the way Home because I felt like I had just been Shoved back into the jail cell of which I had just escaped ! and Stripped of the identity I had worked so hard to obtain! It was like I have have had to struggle for Years and years to finally be able to live My life as I feel comfortable and in an instant I felt like it was all GONE!

I cried to my Wife a Couple hours and then took sleeping pills in hopes that a nights sleep would heal me. But when I awoke I once again was depressed and cried much of the day until my wife and I went out to get some food and she allowed me to present Fem. The waitress came by and called me Ma'am at least a dozen times and We got called Ladies a couple times as well. Amazingly My anxiety and depression was totally gone once we returned home and has not returned since then!

So I did what others wanted me to do at the cost of my own well being. ( no fun for my wife either I assure you). YES ! It was Hard ! but I DID get through it ! and so now some time will pass before that circumstance presents itself again and hopefully next time they will be more tolerant and considerate of the HIDEOUS BEAST that nobody wants to know!!! and perhaps I will be able to endure the situation more rationally knowing that NOBODY can strip me of who I AM ! Most people know me as female and Family is the only exception. Family takes a much smaller percentage of my time than the rest of my life. I endure the small wedge so that I can enjoy the rest of the PIE!

It made my wife Very Happy that my performance was well received but it made her sad to see the pain it caused me. this helps assure her that I AM NOT SELFISH and I DO CARE about OTHERS ! Her seeing the result of what it does to me, helps her to know better what I am going through and she is in my corner because she does not want to see me hurt. Granted She does not want to see me as Female either ........but we love each other dearly and even though there are times we have to deal with conflict between the two of us, there are also times where I feel she is along with me on this Journey and feels what it is like dealing with conflict between myself and others and can sympathize ! However I think this level of sympathy has only come around due to the years she has been exposed to my "situation".

Working it out together means feeling pain..... feeling alone......feeling hopeless. Our reactions to those feelings determine the outcome of our future together.

I had the opportunity to skip out on that gathering. However, I determined that doing Nothing would be less painful but there would also be nothing gained.

So perhaps my going was not so much a retreat as it was an act of..... ... Diplomacy.

[MarcieMarie12]

I posted this elsewhere, but I came out to family and let them know my wife and I were separated (and where I was living). It will be interesting to see how supportive they are when I show up as Marcie rather than him. They say they will be, and I am going to believe that and hope for that--but it is one thing to say you'll be supportive and another when they actually have to see it.

BTW--I know I am not ready for full time. I want to get my voice down (in progress), expand my wardrobe (in progress), and get electrolysis/laser started before I go forward to that step. Work is hard when I have to change into him. But at this point my plan is to be me, in every aspect except work.

--Marcie

[Guest So-kool]

Good luck Marcie, You are due to catch at least a small break soon. Family is sadly my hardest challenge. Funny how i had assumed that we were family so my transition would not affect anything between us.... Oh boy! Was I ever WRONG on that one?!! They say blood is thicker than water but i have found this to not be the case. And like you said, " they are ok with the news but have not seen you as Marcie"

Yup... Leave lots of room for them to turn and walk away. But hopefully that is NOT the case.

[Guest Ladyinker]

I have been crying everyday since I stopped dressing as who I am, and have been very depressed. I just don't know what to do. I love my S.O. but I am back to being terribly unhappy and deeply depressed again. I hate this. I have been asked why don't I just separate from my S.O. for a while. The truth is I couldn't do that even if I wanted too, I live on a fixed income that doesn't pay me enough to even rent a cardboard box in an alley. Feeling bad and trapped.

Erin

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Erin,

I'm so sorry you are having such an awful time. It's no easy journey we embark on.

My personal opinion ( and it is MY OPINION as nobody can say what is right for your circumstances) is that moving backwards and forwards between him and you can be counterproductive. Being him makes you upset and unhappy and vise verse and whilst you love your wife dearly she has to see you as YOU to accept or get used to you. If you keep chopping and changing, the signals you'll be giving will be confusing to those around you. Whatever will be, will be and its better to get to your destination sooner rather than later.

It's horrible what you're going through Erin (been there, done that) and I feel for you.

Kerry x

[Cyndee]

I think it's terrible to read these stories, I try and step outside myself and take a look at this. This is all so created by us humans, this is a result of these social constructs built long before we came around, yet we do this to ourselves, I suffer just as many of us have here. I really relate to what So-Kool has gone through in the posts above, I have a wife a soul mate, whom for the last 5+ years has dealt with me and my reconciliation (transition) . For family those that know us from before, there really has be love in our hearts to make it work. It's give and take, diplomacy (so agree with above), even as it seems so one sided. It's our perceptions and where we place ourselves in our minds that matter so much. How to cope ? when things seem broken, when you feel trapped ? That is the time, I try and get to the source, I try and reconcile, and come to the conclusion it's not me, I am fine and healthy, it's these social constructs that are not healthy, especially those built around someone's flesh, nothing more, when I think of it in those terms, somehow I find my own inner peace.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest]

My heart goes out to all of you. I was still seeing my ex for a year after my divorce. We were gone for a lot of other reasons not mentioned here.

I came out to her before bed one Friday night that she was staying over. I stuck my head out of the walk in closet and told her I wanted her to meet someone. I slipped out in my favorite little black dress and said Hi, I'm Jody. It was a wonderful healing night to let her take me. One healing step past my childhood rape. She was fabulous!

Next morning I shared that I saw apair of to die for shoes at Payless. She was my decoy as I tried them on, I left them out and she scooped them and payed for them. Cinderella had found her slippers. Then she took me to a thrift store and we shopped like to girlfriends. Other woman shopped and smiled, some ran away. Giggle. Some things she picked for me I loved others not. She snuck up behind me and whispered "you know, you're a picky b****." we giggled and I felt safe. We did a make-over for me and Saturday night, Jody splashed the street for the first time ever. Long story short it was a two month romance.

Tha harshest words of my life was " I really want to be with a man." It was over, I felt so vacant. So this is what it feels like when he (she) dumps you. Welcome to female, I know...

I needed her to protect me as I felt safe. Then later HRT, We hid from the kids as I showed her my new breasts, it was fun again playing that way, but I was in love with a ghost, the bones of our marriage dry gulched long ago. She did help me at pivotal points and we remain girlfriends. Kids will join you at the hip regardless.

Once in a great long while I miss those days, but they were not ment to be for a lot of other reasons. Today I am free to be me. I must admit as I feel all of your feelings, I am a little bit jelous.

Keep communicating, it's not over, it's just changing. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Ladyinker]

There has been a new development, and I don't know what to do. My S.O. saw her therapist and therapist told her that she had to either accept me as me, or she needed to let me go. Trying to make me be someone I know I am not is wrong of her to do. My S.O. has told me it is fine if I go back to dressing as me. I am excited to get back to being me, but I am unsure about this flip my S.O. has made. Part of me thinks that I should just dress as me and just give her time to get use to it. The other part of me is worried about her feelings.

Erin

[Guest]

Both of those feelings are quite valid. Maybe a little androgynous casual slightly en fem may help both of you.

Show her your love and support. Communicate without grilling her. The old saying space is grace, let her vent without making it a debate or all about solutions. I'm sure there is a lot of thoughts and emotions swimming inside her. I hope it's all happy changes from the good husband becomes a great wife too. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest KerryUK]

Jody just hit the nail on the head - damn, that girl pips me to the post sooooo many times but I still love her .

​

I think it must have been over a period of 6 months to a year to fully dress en femme for me. I did things slowly and it gave my SO time to adjust with me. The thing with taking things slowly is that it not only gives those around you time to adjust, it also gives you time to get things right (by that, I mean find the styles which best suit you - clothes, hairstyle, make-up etc) AND time to grow in confidence. If (like Jody said), you give her time to adjust with you - you could find that she will slowly but surely begin to realise that you can remain very close friends. My SO is not only the very best friend I ever had (soul mates) but she is also my strongest and most loyal ally - you couldn't buy that with all of the money in the world.

Kerry x