Liar Liar pants on Fire !

[Guest So-kool]

Gosh it felt great to finally come out of the closet and stop living a lie !

So, like many, My Goal is to become stealth and go on to live life as though that whole Male thing never happened. ( other than people I allow into the circle of confidence, such as family. )

However, i am finding that as I increase my friend circle of people that dont know, The subject of "past" comes up. There are some times when I can use the same stories from my past and just change pronouns but then are parts when i just full out Lie because i grew up different.

Example: i was hanging out with some Girlfriends and the subject of little boys came up and they were commenting on the whole "wonders of peeing outdoors!"

I felt like I didnt know what i should not know. (In other words how dumb do I play? )

Then another girl had said to me: "oh when your child came to you and said "Mommy can you do this for me?" .... Mommy? Oh, yea thats right, i would have been a "Mommy" this past 20 plus years.

What activities did you do in Highschool?

"Well, lets see. There was Football. And Wrestling, and lacrosse..... Ooops. Um, I mean, i was a cheerleader. Yea! Thats it! ... Huh? You want me to show you a cheer? .... Did I say Cheerleader? .... I meant i was i Band. Yea, Thats it! .... No i dont actually play an instument.

I was that person that holds the baton. Yea, thats it. Thats what i did in High school. "

Sadly it feels like i stopped living one lie and next thing i know, i get cornered by another one.

I know that living out loud as trans cures this but it also takes away a true feeling of equality among other women.

[JJ]

There are ways to turn questions without inventing a past. That not only gets to be a burden but can end up making you come across as dishonest or off somehow if you contradict what you said at a future point and someone remembers. I've known people in my life who disliked talking about themselves -not for any nefarious reason but just they way they felt-and they were masters at turning questions back on the questioner in a positive way.

I have never ever been asked what activities I did in high school. If others discussed it I talked about a book I read or asked what their favorite activity was. People will rapidly drop any question about you if you turn it back with a question about them. And there is always the old "The past bores me" and changing the direction of the conversation.

But in my opinion lying doesn't pay. You'll catch yourself out eventually and on top of that as you have observed it is in a sense exchanging one cage for another. I have trained myself in how I say things-"When my daughter was born" instead of "When I had my daughter" and being silent or saying "I just don't focus on the past", "I was a geek in high school" etc. or asking someone a question about themselves all work when I am in a situation where it is best not to be open about my trans status because it is irrelevant or not the time or place to explain. It will also make it much worse should you ever decide not to be stealth anymore or get outed. If you have lied people will remember and feel much more angry and betrayed. I've had people who later discovered my past history who then realized I never misled or lied to them-I am under no obligation to share my past with anyone unless I chose and people respect that. But they won't forgive a lie usually

In other words you don't have to tell but I'd recommend that you not lie either. There are other ways. Besides when we lie we also send a message to ourselves that we are in some way not okay-I am not hiding anything -I am just choosing not to share my history on a casual basis.. And that makes a big difference.. Lies affect us and becomes a burden to carry. You transitioned to become yourself not a fabricated person

Johnny

[Charlize]

I think we all face this problem. It gets especially awkward in my case when folks come to the farm and the whole family is around. My wife, son and grandkids. Is he my son, her son or our son? Are we a gay couple? All kinds of places pop up where i could lie about the past.

I try to use Johnny's method of changing the subject. I have spent too much of my life lying and hiding in shame to continue doing that. Lying is a nasty downward spiral i don't want to ride anymore. At the same i don't want to out myself and feel like i don't belong. It is a difficult thing but maybe that just goes with the territory.

What i don't want to do is what a friend did. He was a trans man and left all his friends and world and moved across the country to start a new life where no-one knew his past. He made new friends and was certainly accepted as himself but when i attended his funeral i felt sad that the majority of the folks there didn't understand the amazing depth and pathos this man had lived with.

I have to vote with honesty in my life...... well maybe a fib or two.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

Thanks for the insight Johnny I suppose what sparked my recent concern was that I was in a group and introduced to another woman and the conversation was started by our host by recognizing that we were both originally from the same state and as we talked out loud in the group we noticed we also grew up in the same town and then realized we went to the same high school!

It was one of those "Small World" moments!

By now I was getting concerned and then she said she graduated eight years ahead of me and I thought I was in the clear that she would have no way of remembering me but then she says she had a younger brother that went to my school and was about my age! (Gulp ) now I'm back over the coals!

I suppose this is also compounded by the fact that I did not change my name through transition.

And I suppose the question may arise of asking me what my maiden name was?

That one might be hard to deflect using one of those Jedi mind tricks.

I am hoping that she does not have the time or interest to search for my past but it was a real eye-opener for me last night.

[Guest]

I'm am openly trans mainly because everyone in my surrounding was there before transition.

I hope I can be equal to other woman even if i'm not stealth.

in a way i'm happy with my situation. I can actually live no lie.

[jeanniesauve']

What a wonderful predicament.I think the shock value you hold is like a weapon of shockingness.Better back off other ladies,or....bam!I shocked you.I think it would be,So-Cool,( pun intended),to be in a position where you need a bio.As an actor,I use to have to create a Biography,for any character I was playing.Right down to the very simplest of details.And I would spend enough time to make the character real and well read.It is not that hard...you have your past life as a frame work,just tweek the details,in your favor.And create a divergent statement like.."..antidisestablishmentarianism"....That will throw them off every time!P.S....you are a,"REAL" woman...that's what I think!

jeannie

[StephanieVikingGirl]

I am as stealth as I want to be, which is only semi-stealth. All of my friends know that I am trans, except for a few newer hires at work. Otherwise I blend in so well as a woman that I never worry about it.

When I am leading tours I am frequently questioned about my past, and I have done a lot of stuff over the years, so I pick and choose what details to concentrate on in my answers. I never divulge my military service or police background with tourists, too awkward for me since I don't seem like the type to do that sort of thing, and I really don't look like an ex-Infantry sergeant, lol. However my long previous career was in government secret stuff, so I use that excuse to pick, and choose what I say about my past. I did sign non-disclosure agreements after all. Truthfully I know that I don't lie well, I never could do that. The closest I ever came to outright lying was using a cover story while I was deployed in the sandbox, I told some local store folks in Doha that I was an Icelandic tourist on vacation, it was a lot safer than saying I was in their country for intelligence purposes. I don't have any children or other awkward relationships to explain. Everyone's decisions regarding how much stealth you want, is by necessity going to be unique. Thanks for reading mine.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Like Stephanie, I pass so well (allegedly) that nobody can tell the difference. I remember this one girl that I knew way back in my very young days, and she knows me. She knows she knows me, and I know that she knows me. She's called me out once years ago, and once maybe about 6 months ago. It completely put me on the spot. She named off two people that I knew, and she said my legal name. I said "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else." Even though she's spot on with who I used to be. Perhaps it's a bad thing, but I'm taking all precautions to remove "him" from existence, because that is not who I am. I'd rather tell a little white lie that hurts nobody then open up about my past. But that's just me.

[tracy_j]

Perhaps one of the problems I face is almost the opposite as with many friends I am just very feminine rather than female. As such it can get a bit strange when I refer back in time to the feminine side of my past. In many ways I have behaved in a pretty unisex manner all my life and not been worried, for the most part, in having feminine persuits such as sewing or other very arty things as well as more technical things. I was closely involved with bringing up our son so have experienced the 'have to go now!' and other embarrasing experiences with young children.

This does make it easier when in female company as I do have experience but potentially trickier in male company. The joys of following a more androgyne lifestyle

Tracy

[MarcieMarie12]

Oh I am just starting to have this problem. Was out with a friend (he knows) and friend of his (she didn't). When we first met she complimented my nails and we went on to talk about other things, like how are relationships crashed. I tried to keep the pronouns for my ex neutral, and even called her my husband (though in hindsight not far off in terms of stereotypical gender roles) once or twice. Finally near the end of the dinner I gave up and just let her know I am Trans. It was easier.

[Guest KerryUK]

I simply play each situation by ear. My close friends know my past which can be a saviour - they're helped me out of tricky situations. They are also a good source of girl information when I'm not sure about something. Newer acquaintances I no longer come out to - I leave it up to their imagination but hope they see me as the woman I am. Works for me.

Kerry