Real Life

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

So I've been doing what I feel is appropos for me now, in a country where gender norms are different than my home country. My boss is cool with what I wear, and how I talk (honestly no one seems to notice even if I abruptly switch from deep male Johnny Cash to absolutely no resonance and exaggerated very high and thin, and everything in between. I don't even get a slight change of people's eyebrows or anything. No reaction at all. I think it's because of a language barrier or something. I'm thankful for this because it's helping me find the voice I feel most comfortable with. I used to talk pretty femme at my old job, but it was at a university in the U.S. and they pretty much couldn't fire me no matter what I did.).

I have been turned out of a couple of shops for trying to buy pants (walking in wearing women's clothes that looked damned good on me, also). So I'm finding the stores that will treat me well and I'm patronizing the heck out of them. I'm finding new shops on days when I feel good enough to take a few lashes if they don't want to do business with me (gotta have some extra good reserves before I go out and potentially take a beating).

Bathrooms are a little weird. I generally go to women's rooms except in huge places like rest stops where there's a million people. Sometimes someone raises an eyebrow, sometimes they don't. Usually there are stalls though, so in the end, why does it matter? I'm willing to risk embarrassment and ridicule.

Now my motivation in all my actions is twofold. One, I notice that gender is a whole institution by which others interpret my actions based on the frame they see me through. Therefore, for social reasons I choose to have many markers that I'm a woman. Even though everyone knows I have a Y chromosome, calling myself Jeannine, talking and acting a certain way and wearing cute outfits DOES change how people interact with me, and helps other women treat me better and often more as a fellow, at least in some way. I feel more comfortable then with the social feedback I get, and I feel not so locked inside myself all the time. Like I breathe a big sigh "ahhhhhh, now people are getting to know 'me'." Even if I have to put some extra things out there as methods of communicating and helping them know what "me" is, LOL.

Secondly, I'm doing a lot of what I like. I never felt much of what society calls masculine. Aesthetically I like "masculine" on other people a lot and it can be totally hot (as can feminine), but it's not what I like for me. As for clothes, I am proud of my body and like to wrap my hot donkey up in some cute threads any chance I get :-). I'm getting lots of depilation, so I'll be sporting even cuter stuff soon. God I've wanted this body hair and facial hair gone for years but I never had the money before, putting myself through college and all. It's just more congruent with what I've always wanted for myself.

Still, I'm toeing a few lines because I don't want to marginalize myself too much. I am not willing to lose my job. I'm working on some entrepreneurship right now so maybe one day I'll run my own business and I won't have to worry about hiring or firing myself or giving myself raises or withholding them because I descriminate against women with broad shoulders and a deep voice. I'm certain that hair removal won't change my employment. I'm also pretty sure FFS won't affect things there except maybe helping me not worry about age descrimination (which can be a big deal in my profession). I could have SRS too and it wouldn't matter so far as they're concerned. The one and ONLY thing that might confuse my employer and get me fired would be breasts... I'd like to have some big breasts to balance out my frame, but that's one compromise I'll have to make until I'm self employed (so with hormones I keep feeling happy my boobs are pretty small -- and someday I may be the only MtF in the world wearing a binder, LOL).

As for SRS. Awhile back I contacted a couple of clinics and they were willing to perform SRS if I had a psychiatrists letter saying I was sane and knew what I was doing and that SRS was reversible. I was considering getting SRS and presenting myself completely as a man to everyone. Since SRS is a lot more than "icing on the cake" to me. Personally I never felt too restricted about "gender roles." But my genitals are a cause of near hellish pain for me most of the time I try to have sex. That's far more important to me in the end than whether or not I get to wear my makeup and a blouse to work.

Still, I do want to have social feedback that's congruent with my true gender, and I want to dress and act and live as I like, so the other more obvious stuff if important in its own way. I feel resource rich now and am having my wardrobe custom made instead of relying on the eight shirts I've ever been able to find that I like and are cut for me (yea, my broad shoulders--someone with a Y chromosome can buy off a runway what someone with two X's can get at target, LOL). I'm almost doing the same as I always would have done if I'd had this money, except the name change. And I changed my name because I finally understood the need for social feedback to help me not feel so "locked inside" with my identity all the time.

--Jeannine

[Guest Elizabeth K]

A powerful posting - I hope you kept a copy. I descibes what you are.

I love these insightfiul voyages we transgender take! I feel the that gender gifted aspect of what we are flame high as we roar in the furnace of life.

GOOD job!

Lizzy

[Guest angie]

I personally do not claim (RLT) Real Life Test, as an apt discription

of this part of our journey we must make.As the title of this posting say's...

This is not a test.A test comes to an end.(RLE)Real Life Experience,is a

much better discription of how we must learn to live comfortably in this

new role,for the rest of our lives.There is no end,only life.

Hugs,

Angie

[Sally]

I personally do not claim (RLT) Real Life Test, as an apt discription

of this part of our journey we must make.As the title of this posting say's...

This is not a test.A test comes to an end.(RLE)Real Life Experience,is a

much better discription of how we must learn to live comfortably in this

new role,for the rest of our lives.There is no end,only life.

Hugs,

Angie

Yes, yes, yes!

You got here first and said everything that I was thinking.

Well said, all I can add is my endorsement!

Beautiful and now the pressure is off, there is no grade (Oh, no even Sally wouldn't stoop to that pun!) it is just Pass/Fail!

Sorry about that!

Great topic and good responces!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh my dear Angie - where did you come from? You write like I think.

Lizzy

[Sally]

Oh my dear Angie - where did you come from? You write like I think.

Lizzy

Not too surprising, didn't you used to live in San Antonio?

Seriously, if we look at it as our getting accustomed to our new lives it is mudh easier than if we are trying to rebel against a 'bunch of rules'.

It really is in our 'best interests'.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Not too surprising, didn't you used to live in San Antonio?

Seriously, if we look at it as our getting accustomed to our new lives it is mudh easier than if we are trying to rebel against a 'bunch of rules'.

It really is in our 'best interests'.

Love ya,

Sally

I still disagree in principle with a lot of the way the RLE is set up. Basically I think we fall pretty far outside the "expected norm" and I don't think it's a good idea to tell us to "become normal" even if it's closer to the normal we might have wanted to be closer too. LOL, thats a convoluted sentence.

What I mean is, the ciswomen I feel most similar too, in many instances probably would not pass the RLE standards if "dressing and acting in the acquired gender" is taken in a way that could require most cisgendered MEN in the U.S. to do anything different than they already do. Yet, are they, or were they during those times, women? I'm sure that all but one of them (a transman who wants to be a ciswoman) that I've known would vehemently ague with anyone who says otherwise.

So I think the standards are a little weird in that regard. I mean, I see social and personal usefulness for dressing and acting a certain way, and am modifying my behaviors to gain those benefits. But is prescribing that "in our best interests?" I don't believe it always is. I would say that outside of being more femme for social utility and self hypnosis, my sense of womanhood is something more fundamental. I would also say that I've never felt overly constrained by gender roles. I've pretty much worn what I liked and I've spoken what I wanted to speak and I've said it how I wanted too. As much as I'd like for people to react to me knowing that I'm a woman they're interacting with, I don't think I'd react too different if they did all know that.

Yet I am absolutely, deeply, transsexual (meaning transbodied), and have known I should be a girl since my earliest memories. Now, in some respects, I'm acting more femme then I would if a magical fairy came and made my body right. In some respects I'm acting a little less. I don't think anyone really has the right to tell me what steps I should take, or even what "transition" should mean to me. If, for instance, in five years I want to "pass" as a man for utility regarding employment, even if I've had SRS and FFS by then, and it makes me more functional and stable in doing so, then why not? If I find myself getting older and lonely and want to cruise the gay men's bars "passing" as a man looking for some cool young biqueercurious hottie to seduce, then keep warm with, then why not? If I want to work as a teacher in mainland China, pretending to be a man, using my by then post FFS face to save me from agism and saving for my retirement, then why not? If I also wanted to cruise the nightclubs and spa-brothels, even after SRS, passing as a man, woman, or androgyne, assuming I practice safe play, then why not?

I don't think any of these things should have anything to do with which treatments the gatekeepers allow me or anyone else. I think the only requirements to choose any treatment should be verification that one is of sound mind and making the decision aware of potential consequences, and risks.

Jeannine

PS: I don't actually intend to do all of those things, but they're all things I could see myself trying under the right circumstances... why not?

PPS: And yes, I actually know a beautiful swinger ciswoman who will hire hookers for fun sometimes.

[Sally]

How stricktly you have to adhere to the stadars of Care outline for this part is really up to your therapist, they are the ones to determine how you have done and will do in your true gender.

Mine is fine with me 'dressing and presenting male' for the purpose of photographing weddings that I have only had contact with them as male - I will very shortly begin to do consultations and sessions as my true self and the need for 'cross dressing male' will go away.

She is of the opinion that there is no normal female behavior so how can she hold anyone to something that doesn't even exist.

Some are very rigid and have a set pattern for how you should behave and I would not do well with them, either.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

She is of the opinion that there is no normal female behavior so how can she hold anyone to something that doesn't even exist.

I could not have possibly said it better myself. I took sociology classes for years and concentrated in gender studies hoping to gain a better understanding of myself. In the end I lost any clear sense of what constitutes "male" or "female" behavior. I think I'm a better woman for it (but it is a little odd, nonetheless)

I would like to find the perfect therapist, LOL. It sounds like you did very well. Unfortunately I live in a country where I don't speak the main language, so I'm looking for ANYONE who can help me get hormones through an endocrinologist so I can avoid risking it with self RX. I know how to be careful, but I want monitoring to make sure I'm okay, and I'd like a second professional opinion. I don't have much faith in doctors anyways, having had a prescription from one dr that a younger doctor who was better read told me I was allergic to and could have killed me! The doc that prescribed it knew less than me about that drug and signs of allergy, the doc that de-prescribed it knew more than I did. Still, I don't think I know everything, and I can't monitor my health in the way they can with their fancy equipment.

I have considered that functionality in life is so highly important to success in ANYTHING long term... For my long term happiness and stability I think it's more important that I remain gainfully employed than it is for me to wear skirts to work. I could have a really strict RLE and outside the bay area I might be killed, or at least lose my job (and I'd be amazed if many bay area therapists strictly interpret gender!). Of course, I did live in Atlanta previously and I had a government job and was able to wear and talk as I pleased. But with government jobs, it strikes me that it might be pretty hard to get fired.

Anyhoo, like I said at the beginning, this is why I think it's all just "real life."

--Jeannine

[Guest Little Sara]

Personally, I don't think any one born male or not could pass easily as male after FFS. It would cause problems in your employment if presenting as female would.

Even in boy jeans and a unisex t-shirt, I couldn't pass as a guy.

[Guest angie]

Not too surprising, didn't you used to live in San Antonio?

Love ya,

Sally

I live in SanAntonio,am a native Texan also.

This is not a transfriendly city in the least.SA is a very conservative,Southern Baptist,Catholic

strong hold.But being a large city,one of us can slide on by with the guts and determination to

truthfully live as who we truly are.The trans community is becoming more visble and much

more active,as the ladies and gentlemen of this generation refuse to live in the shadows like

our brothers and sisters that came before us had to.It aint easy,but someone has to do it.

Peace,

Angie

[Guest DanM]

Normal whats that, when you figure out what normal is let me know please.LOL