Costco Shopping

[Guest Kelly Girl]

Few months ago I was at Costco shopping , no I'm not rich , I'm just smart , and I was dressed up beautifully and smelled even prettier , even girls were playing flirt with me in there . I was lovin every second of it till I checked out at the Register that is . I try my best not to let people rattle me , and I'm pretty good about it , UNTIL you call me Sir ;-(

When I am absolutely decked out like I was , I am obviously dressing as a woman , and I look pretty passable most of the time , and I was on my "A" game that day too , very nice blouse , all my diamonds , and high heels too , skinny jeans and all . So knucklehead hillbilly HATER boy thought it a good idea to play A-Hole with me and call me Sir as he handed my Costco card back to me as I was turning to walk away with my cart of bliss.

Big mistake !

It triggered my emmediate violant side and sharp tounge . I looked at him with death in my eyes , and loudly said " That's Miss to you , BOY " !.......in a 100 decibel bark .

You ever felt 300 eyes on you with absolute utter silence in a room where it was just boiling actively busy loud .

Well that was that moment . He said nothing , stood there with a blank stare of hate at me . I decided it was Pink Panther time , Exit stage left without another word .

Most of the time I am pretty passive with peoples A-Hole-Ness and let it go , but when I am dressed up , you better not disrespect me deliberately and call me Sir.

My dysphoria is bad enough all on my own , I sure won't tolerate someone making it worse .

It did show me how volatile I still am though :-)

I'm good with that ;-)

[Rylie M]

Good for you I have yet to encounter anything like this yet I don't present as a woman yet and I wont untill about 1 year after hrt start + I get a better handle on my voice, mannerisms, and makeup the good news is I should be starting hrt in 7 days (crossing fingers, legs, eyes, and anything else i can plus praying to every god to ever exist lmao). I can see me doing something similar as per I have a short fuse I can normally control it in public but as time goes on I can already feel my desire to be referred to as mam, miss and pretty much any other female pronoun but ofc since I present as male I have to keep reminding myself I cant expect anything else yet. I may have to ask my support group/therapist/doctor to start using female pronouns and my female name sooner than expected.

[Charlize]

I certainly understand your anger Kelly but i tend to be very quiet in those situations and try to make my request for proper pronouns in a subdued fashion. That worked for me and i have gotten an apology more times than not.

Fortunately i run into those situations less and less because regardless of how we react i'm sure that it upsets all of us. i know it does me. I have no doubt that i will encounter that again. Experiences like that seem to come when least expected and somehow no matter how long it's been between and how many positive experiences i've had each negative one hurts and hurts even more if i let it keep me from enjoying my life. I can build a resentment out of a great deal less and let it fill my world with anger.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kelly Girl]

I certainly understand your anger Kelly but i tend to be very quiet in those situations and try to make my request for proper pronouns in a subdued fashion. That worked for me and i have gotten an apology more times than not.

Fortunately i run into those situations less and less because regardless of how we react i'm sure that it upsets all of us. i know it does me. I have no doubt that i will encounter that again. Experiences like that seem to come when least expected and somehow no matter how long it's been between and how many positive experiences i've had each negative one hurts and hurts even more if i let it keep me from enjoying my life. I can build a resentment out of a great deal less and let it fill my world with anger.

Hugs,

Charlize

Your right , I should PAUSE , before I open my mouth Charlize , because it ruined the rest of my day getting so angrified .

I'm a work in progress , but I'm listening.

Spite from someone trying to hurt me isn't ever OK , but I do need to learn how to not let it destroy me ? Unfortunately its gonna take way more of those experiences to get enough practice at it . Unfortunately , they will rear their ugly head too .

Its very difficult to alter my Punk Rock Girly soul to conform to anything , let alone when someone deserves a pummeling.

Cheers , thanks for the perspective for breakfast I just eagerly enjoyed eating:-)

I just learned something , so this is going to be a good day !

[Guest Kelly Girl]

Good for you I have yet to encounter anything like this yet I don't present as a woman yet and I wont untill about 1 year after hrt start + I get a better handle on my voice, mannerisms, and makeup the good news is I should be starting hrt in 7 days (crossing fingers, legs, eyes, and anything else i can plus praying to every god to ever exist lmao). I can see me doing something similar as per I have a short fuse I can normally control it in public but as time goes on I can already feel my desire to be referred to as mam, miss and pretty much any other female pronoun but ofc since I present as male I have to keep reminding myself I cant expect anything else yet. I may have to ask my support group/therapist/doctor to start using female pronouns and my female name sooner than expected.

Gosh Rylie , that's a great way to start your outing in public . I wasn't that patient , I jumped in with both feet and difinately looked like a badly dressed drag queen instead of the soft girly girl I wanted to be and present as .

Your smart getting yourself readier first.

I was at deaths Dysphorias door though , come out 100% or die , literally .

Goddess Bless you your gonna love Hormones Rylie ! :-)

[Cyndee]

Hi Kelly, that's no fun at all if that happens

You mentioned this happened as your card was being returned to you. Your name could be either gender, is the picture on the card in need of updating to match your current presentation ? Might help, just sayin'....

C -

[JJ]

Funny thing is I have found , living in the heart of redneck Evangelical country, that if you are friendly with a big smile people want to like you. And if they slip and you look disappointed but correct them with a smile they will apologize instead of deciding everything they ever heaard of trans people was true.

People don't know us or understand us. Their encounters with us can make us friends or enemies. I didn't have the luxury of making enemies. I thought there would be burning crosses on my lawn and hate mail in my mailbox at best and my family would be attacked at worst. In this community I am the only trans person to ever come out - the Klan is active in the county and people brag about the generations their family has been members. Yet my worst incident in 5 years is one woman who disapproves called me Mam with a smirk in a local store. The other clerks handled it for me by glaring and stepping around her to help me instead. She never did it again. I could have made that outcome exactly the opposite if I had reacted on her level.

The next trans person that guy meets may well be treated even worse. It feels good to express our outrage and anger - it s a primitive and basic instinct to do so as any parent of a toddler can tell you. But in the long run it only hurts our cause for the reward of a few moments gratification.

Johnny

[Guest Kelly Girl]

Hi Kelly, that's no fun at all if that happens

You mentioned this happened as your card was being returned to you. Your name could be either gender, is the picture on the card in need of updating to match your current presentation ? Might help, just sayin'....

C -

I get your point of course , BUT , I do not want to pass as CIS for convenience to avoid others hatred . I want to look as Girly as I can for me .

I in no way should have to put up with anyone's discrimination or hatred for whatever I look like or am .

This is NOT my issue , its his issue , regardless of my Costco card or what's on it . It was deliberate hate , never OK .

My reaction was hardly a toddlers reaction.

My reaction came from others internal issues with themselves forced upon me .

Regardless of my reaction , this was never MY problem .

From Charlize good example on her behavior I will try to pause first next time .

[Guest Mickey]

Most of the time, when someone misgenders me, I will politely correct them, with a smile on my face. And in return they apologize profusely and we all move on. There are those rare times though, when the person that is doing the misgendering, is doing so out of spite. Just plain being mean. And on those rare occasions, I will just completely let loose on them. Usually embarrassing them greatly. There are times when we should meet hostility, in the same way that it is measured out to us. And I will not ever shy away from those times. I will stand my ground and give them every bit that they deserve. And in doing so, I hope to teach others that may be nearby, that bigotry is NEVER okay. That being mean to someone, just because they are different that you, is NEVER okay. And when it is encountered, it should be put down, quickly, before it can do any more damage. Like a rabid dog.

[JJ]

We all differ in our thoughts and reactions. Part of mine is perhaps shaped by the fact that using the word "Boy" is a deliberate insult equivalent to using the N word to an African American here. And also that I have never seen anyone's attitude or behavior changed by stooping to their level. Not by anger or attack. Does that mean I let anyone walk over me or creep through the world.? Anything but as those who know me best will assure you. I ask no quarter but I don't allow disrespect. I'm lucky enough to have made a career of human service and social work that gave me ann insight into the dynamics of that kind of human behavior.

My point really is that they want to get to you. Want to goad you and when you go off on them you give them exactly what they want and re-enforce every stereotype out there about us and our stability. Given that most may not have heard the initial exchange but heard the "boy" then their sympathies went to him.

There is an old social work adage that whoever looses their temper loses. If your child or your partner or a rude stranger gets you to go off psychologically they won. Especially in the minds of any onlookers and in the mind of the person doing the goading. Think of the teachers you have had. The ones who get mad and rant are universally not respected and have discipline problems but the ones who know how to stay in control have control of their classes. Anger feels powerful. Feels like we accomplished something. But the opposite is true . Going off on someone weakens you. That is not the same as laying down and rolling over. If you had given them a cold smile and corrected them they would have felt they failed in their objective to needle you. You would have won the exchange. And maybe made them decide not to play that game on the next trans person. As it is I'd bet the farm the next time they encounter a trans woman that woman is going to be insulted at least as badly because it worked beautifully.

Most of the Southern women I know would have said "Bless your heart you must be having trouble with your eyes. It's Mam" and walked away with a smile.

Johnny

[Guest KerryUK]

I'm in agreement with Johnny here - a few years ago now, when I was starting to 'pass' more successfully, I had an incident which happened which was very similar to Kelly's. My way of dealing with it was to ignore that he'd just called me 'Sir' but replied loudly so that everyone could hear within easy earshot "Oooh, thank you so much petal' (or sweetie, I can't remember which). He was horrified. Treat offensive comments with a smile and perhaps a bit of banter (at their expense). He might think twice before he does that again (last time it backfired on him).

[Guest Clair Dufour]

We don't have Costco here but at Walmart and other places women don't dress to go shopping. One thing most of us can't do is pass when someone takes a second or third look at us. When overdressed, most of the time folks just look and smile with a look that sez nobody shops looking like that but, now and then you set off some idiot. To me, the goal is always to blend in to the place I'm at and that's not easy even looking like a salty old woman rancher. But, to practical, as long as you only get a few idiots, don't worry about it and do what you did.

[Guest Kelly Girl]

Most of the time, when someone misgenders me, I will politely correct them, with a smile on my face. And in return they apologize profusely and we all move on. There are those rare times though, when the person that is doing the misgendering, is doing so out of spite. Just plain being mean. And on those rare occasions, I will just completely let loose on them. Usually embarrassing them greatly. There are times when we should meet hostility, in the same way that it is measured out to us. And I will not ever shy away from those times. I will stand my ground and give them every bit that they deserve. And in doing so, I hope to teach others that may be nearby, that bigotry is NEVER okay. That being mean to someone, just because they are different that you, is NEVER okay. And when it is encountered, it should be put down, quickly, before it can do any more damage. Like a rabid dog.

I think I really like you Mickey :-) !!!!

Hard to believe this thread about me being bullied got turned into something I did wrong on a healing forum , so sad .

And to be put down for dressing to the max beauty for myself to feel wonderful that day is beyond me ? WoW :-(

I do know it hurt my feelings that day to be messed with , and to violate my civil rights to be left the heck alone messed with my soul .

I also know my anger didn't work , for me.

I think if it was the Ole West days , someone wouldnt talk this SMACK to you , because rightly so they would have met my Sam Colt and be pushing up Daisey's .

Nowadays the laws protect the criminal , and people have became passive babies and are OK with taking abuse for some twisted reason ?

I'll never be OK with HATE !

Carry On :-)

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Will echo what Johnny and Kerry have said.. Ones knee jerk reaction to people misgendering or whatever is usually scorched earth but it certainly wont make you or trans people any friends in the process. I've really only ever been misgendered once (that I can remember). It bothered me, but I didn't really make a big deal about. A lot of the time it's a mental slip rather than flatly intentional... Like Kerry said brushing it off and responding with a smile is probably more effective, screaming at them will only make people remember you FOR that incident.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I think I really like you Mickey :-) !!!!

Hard to believe this thread about me being bullied got turned into something I did wrong on a healing forum , so sad .

And to be put down for dressing to the max beauty for myself to feel wonderful that day is beyond me ? WoW :-(

I do know it hurt my feelings that day to be messed with , and to violate my civil rights to be left the heck alone messed with my soul .

I also know my anger didn't work , for me.

I think if it was the Ole West days , someone wouldnt talk this SMACK to you , because rightly so they would have met my Sam Colt and be pushing up Daisey's .

Nowadays the laws protect the criminal , and people have became passive babies and are OK with taking abuse for some twisted reason ?

I'll never be OK with HATE !

Carry On :-)

Hi Kelly,

I am sorry that you feel like you were bullied or attacked.. However I feel it's important to point out that having a random stranger misgender you once is neither criminal nor a violation of your civil rights. Natal women get misgendered too (my grandma for example was misgendered by a girl once at Disneyland), and very often it's a a mental slip or simply someone not paying very close attention. It's actually pretty common for people mentally to default with "Sir" but I've also seen it happen the other way where a natal male friend was Mam'ed and it was nothing more than a slip of the tongue..

Like I said however one stranger intentionally (or not intentionally) misgendering you while distressing is not a violation of your civil rights. A violation of your civil rights would be if he refused to serve you, or called to have you arrested simply for the way you were presenting, or actually assaulting you.

[Guest Kelly Girl]

Will echo what Johnny and Kerry have said.. Ones knee jerk reaction to people misgendering or whatever is usually scorched earth but it certainly wont make you or trans people any friends in the process. I've really only ever been misgendered once (that I can remember). It bothered me, but I didn't really make a big deal about. A lot of the time it's a mental slip rather than flatly intentional... Like Kerry said brushing it off and responding with a smile is probably more effective, screaming at them will only make people remember you FOR that incident.

Heck Sarah , I just don't anymore , I'm confused now on the right approach , especially if I look really hard at my motivation for correcting this Butt-Hole at Costco .

It was what you describe , a involuntary reaction to protect myself .

The part of the story I didn't share was POST COSTCO NOW . He says " did you find everything you needed " now to me , and that's it , not hi not bye , nothing more nothing less .

So , in some ways it did teach him I am a force he shouldn't be messing with . But I think he's more afraid of losing his job , and he probably would if I press the issue , his snideness is on Film :-)

And to answer your question your dying to know , right , LoL , YES I did seek him out to make him checker me at the Register after the first event.

Sorry , Punk Rock Girly here , some habits are hard to break . But he is kinda pleasant now , and given the opportunity I will educate him , count on it .

[MaryEllen]

A favorite saying of Laura's is, "You can catch more flies with sugar and honey than you can with vinegar and lighter fluid". If you go looking for trouble, you'll usually find it.

[JJ]

As a history buff I can assure you there has never been any time or place where shooting someone for how they talked to you would not have resulted in you pushing up daisies yourself. Or at later dates making license plates for the rest of your life. As I said around here.saying boy like that could well have lead to violence and if you weren't trans the person who hurt you would have been charged too. Trans and dressed to the max they wouldn't even be charged which is also wrong of course but you need to be acting from reality and not the way things should be. The world is changing but not that fast. Since he indicated he saw you as male the violence that could have resulted could have been fatal. Not for the first time. Your choice to take that risk of course but I won't condone action that can get people killed.

And violated your civil rights? Not yet in this country. I suppose you could take him to a civil court for emotional distress but you'd be representing yourself and he has as good a case as you do.

The road we walk can be made harder or easier by the way we walk it. Walk it like a victim and you will be treated like one. Walk it ready for a fight and someone will bring you one. Though unfortunately too many men are socialized to do exactly that. Women are not with rare exception. Though they are socialized to avoid direct confrontation while maintaining their position.Doing some reading in sociology and psychology might prove interesting. I'm not saying you are male by any means but a lifetime of socialization can lead us astray. Anger being one of the most primitive emotions it is one of the hardest to change how we have been socialized to handle it. In observing hundreds if not thousands of trans people I have long observed that the way they handle anger is one of the hardest things for them to resocialize. From infancy men and women are trained differently in handling anger so it is very deep conditioning. Yet very telling.

Sorry you see people trying to provide guidance so it won't happen again as an attack. Many times when people are triggering incidents they want to know. It is certainly your right to dress as you please. But when you go outside the norm as you yourself have stated - you have no room to complain when predictable results occur. Or to feel attacked when people who may well suffer in the future for your actions explain why it seems inappropriate

No one said it was okay to be messed with by the way. The point was not to give him exactly what he wanted which was to upset you and get a rise It is also impossible for someone to have the power to mess with you unless you give it to them short of physical violence or denying you food shelter or a job etc.

No need to keep beating a dead horse here though. I just wanted people to know the serious dangers inherent in what happened and that it wasn't productive except for the guy who misgendered you.

If he is treating you better now he is a more mature man than you made him sound and kudos to him. You got very lucky.

[Guest Kelly Girl]

As a history buff I can assure you there has never been any time or place where shooting someone for how they talked to you would not have resulted in you pushing up daisies yourself. Or at later dates making license plates for the rest of your life. As I said around here.saying boy like that could well have lead to violence and if you weren't trans the person who hurt you would have been charged too. Trans and dressed to the max they wouldn't even be charged which is also wrong of course but you need to be acting from reality and not the way things should be. The world is changing but not that fast. Since he indicated he saw you as male the violence that could have resulted could have been fatal. Not for the first time. Your choice to take that risk of course but I won't condone action that can get people killed.

And violated your civil rights? Not yet in this country. I suppose you could take him to a civil court for emotional distress but you'd be representing yourself and he has as good a case as you do.

The road we walk can be made harder or easier by the way we walk it. Walk it like a victim and you will be treated like one. Walk it ready for a fight and someone will bring you one. Though unfortunately too many men are socialized to do exactly that. Women are not with rare exception. Though they are socialized to avoid direct confrontation while maintaining their position.Doing some reading in sociology and psychology might prove interesting. I'm not saying you are male by any means but a lifetime of socialization can lead us astray. Anger being one of the most primitive emotions it is one of the hardest to change how we have been socialized to handle it. In observing hundreds if not thousands of trans people I have long observed that the way they handle anger is one of the hardest things for them to resocialize. From infancy men and women are trained differently in handling anger so it is very deep conditioning. Yet very telling.

Sorry you see people trying to provide guidance so it won't happen again as an attack. Many times when people are triggering incidents they want to know. It is certainly your right to dress as you please. But when you go outside the norm as you yourself have stated - you have no room to complain when predictable results occur. Or to feel attacked when people who may well suffer in the future for your actions explain why it seems inappropriate

No one said it was okay to be messed with by the way. The point was not to give him exactly what he wanted which was to upset you and get a rise It is also impossible for someone to have the power to mess with you unless you give it to them short of physical violence or denying you food shelter or a job etc.

No need to keep beating a dead horse here though. I just wanted people to know the serious dangers inherent in what happened and that it wasn't productive except for the guy who misgendered you.

If he is treating you better now he is a more mature man than you made him sound and kudos to him. You got very lucky.

I got very lucky JJ ?

Seams an odd stance and statement from you to me when MY freedom to be left alone was violated .

But hay JJ , everyone's entitled to your opinions of course .

Have to sped some time evaluating all these comments and see if I can find an objective place to be in now , for me .

It bothers me though that some people here feel a need to correct people and their feelings too , very odd to me ?

Maybe its just simple narcissistic behavior on their end , I'm not sure ?

The point of my post and experience was intended to show that I too deal with discrimination and hate .

That got absolutely dismissed by nearly everyone that tried to correct my behavior in HIS violation to me .

Cheers , I'm done on this thread .

[Carolyn Marie]

.The point of my post and experience was intended to show that I too deal with discrimination and hate .

That got absolutely dismissed by nearly everyone that tried to correct my behavior in HIS violation to me .

Cheers , I'm done on this thread .

The point of any forum is to discuss ideas and express opinions, not just agree with the poster. Most of those on this thread were simply expressing what they would have done in a similar situation. You can take it for what its worth, or not. But letting this thread fade is probably a good idea at this point.

Carolyn Marie

[Rylie M]

Good for you I have yet to encounter anything like this yet I don't present as a woman yet and I wont untill about 1 year after hrt start + I get a better handle on my voice, mannerisms, and makeup the good news is I should be starting hrt in 7 days (crossing fingers, legs, eyes, and anything else i can plus praying to every god to ever exist lmao). I can see me doing something similar as per I have a short fuse I can normally control it in public but as time goes on I can already feel my desire to be referred to as mam, miss and pretty much any other female pronoun but ofc since I present as male I have to keep reminding myself I cant expect anything else yet. I may have to ask my support group/therapist/doctor to start using female pronouns and my female name sooner than expected.

Gosh Rylie , that's a great way to start your outing in public . I wasn't that patient , I jumped in with both feet and difinately looked like a badly dressed drag queen instead of the soft girly girl I wanted to be and present as .

Your smart getting yourself readier first.

I was at deaths Dysphorias door though , come out 100% or die , literally .

Goddess Bless you your gonna love Hormones Rylie ! :-)

Ya my dysphoria isn't to horrible most of the time thank god. If I could do it without looking like a guy in a dress I sooooo would but ive also got another factor in im not completly out with family and all live within 20 miles of me plus drive by my house often.

[Guest]

COSTCO is a very LGBT friendly business, I have friends who work there and they do not tolerate intolerance. They have stated rules that people can choose their own bathrooms based on their identity and so forth.

So given the culture there, I think a professional update to his manager would have given him the proper learning for that teachable moment.

When I changed my name it was not problem at all getting my card updated with my new name, gender, and picture. BTW, TSA and others consider the Costco card a valid picture ID to supplement other ids.

[Carolyn Marie]

.

When I changed my name it was not problem at all getting my card updated with my new name, gender, and picture. BTW, TSA and others consider the Costco card a valid picture ID to supplement other ids.

That brings back a memory, Diane. When I changed my card and picture, the young Costco Associate was so excited for me she could hardly contain herself. I still smile to myself thinking about her.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Cyndee]

I agree with the above.

When I updated the picture on my Costco card, that was validating and great experience for me. I was glad to get rid of that old visual relic, and move on. I've even gotten compliments on the picture on the card now days

C -