Wanting to come out to gf/family but scared

[Guest audrey michelle]

So as I continue to accept myself more and more with each passing day and live, when possible as the real me I'm beginning to see the importance of coming out to those who are in my life that know me as "him.

I have had a particularly strong desire to tell my girlfriend whom has no idea that I am transgender. I'm pretty sure this would devistate her as she is going through a lot of problems both personally and legal wise due to fighting with her sister and this might just be the proverbial straw that brakes the camels back. However, even though I don't want to hurt her and wish there were a way I could spare her feelings I know I really need to tell her at least that is if I intend to stay with her which I don't know because lately due to all her issues and drinking we have become somewhat distant. Ultimately if I decide to break it off I feel like I should still tell her so she at least knows that not all if any of the fault is hers that we just didn't work out. It hurts because 5 years together is a long time but lately I'm just feeling like things may not work out. How should I tell her? Is there anyway to soften the blow? I guess I just need some support and advice more than anything.

I also would like to tell my friends at some point but being from a small country town, I doubt they will be very accepting or receptive to the idea. It hurts because we all grew up doing everything together and have so many amazing memories together I just don't want to lose them from my life. I hope maybe one day that after I do find a way to tell them that they eventually can come to terms with it and we can still be friends but I don't know. Same thing goes for my family as well whom are mostly all conservative in their beliefs and values.

So I guess this is it for now. I would really appreciate any advice or encouragement and support. This is going to be so hard to do and I feel so lost right now I just want too cry but I known I have to do it.

[tracy_j]

Personally I agree that you do need to proceed as it is not fair on people, but agree that it will not be easy. My suggestion is not to pre-judge things. You say your girlfriend has no idea you are transgender. If you have been close then it may be she is not totally unknowing but is obviously very unlikely to have the full meaning. Maybe just a feeling. Your worries may be helping in the distancing you are feeling. They will be putting a barrier between you. My suggestion is to slowly introduce things. Tricky but if you can balance things with helping her at the same time. Just try to work toward the future, not prejudging the outcome. Work toward success.

It is somewhat similar with your friends. Obviously you could have problems but many people have been surprised (even myself) in how accepting people who we think could be very negative are. It is often a question of approach (as you are realising) and I think a combination of peoples thoughts will help you there.

Only you will know your family (and your reliance of their acceptance for different issues [support, finance etc]). Is there anyone there who you trust to open out to initially?

It would be good if you had someone local you could relax with and discuss (have you a gender therapist?).

Tracy

[VickySGV]

I go completely with Tracy here and say do not imagine trouble and let it keep you from moving forward as you need to. In my experience, what we are, was less of a surprise than how long it took us to either (a) realized it or © get honest about it. Be thoughtful, but not so thought filled that you over think things and make a much larger production of it than necessary. I can speak with profound authority in hindsight based on my own life.

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Define girlfriend. Most gay men have girl friends but nothing past friend is going on. I have a 30sh MTF friend married to a lesbian who is helping her with transition so they can be a real lesbian couple. A rare thing. Most such posts here are either older couples who have been there and done that and are often open to new things or young couples where painful breakups are the norm. Besides telling her the truth, you could just tell her a lie to ease the pain. like you met someone else, a man even. With such a long relationship, you should know each quite well.

[Jani]

Hello Michelle,

You've offered some good advice and I don't have a lot more to add except to not overthink things about your girlfriend and not to assume failure with your friends. You can tell your GF you've been examining your gender identity and think its time to make a break in the relationship. Your friends may surprise you. My friends are all older but generally it went, "Well OK" and then we had a nice talk about it all.

You say "It hurts because we all grew up doing everything together and have so many amazing memories together I just don't want to lose them from my life." but you'll always have your memories and if you lose any of your friends, it will be their choice to lose you. What I'm saying is it will be their decision and if they are close-minded you really won't need that stress in your life anyway.

My family was very good with my news so I can't offer any advice beyond be truthful but don't get into the weeds with explanations. Similar to what Vicky wrote. There will be time for that later if they ask you to tell them more.

Jani

[Charlize]

I can certainly relate to the fear you describe. It was very real for me. Amazingly in my case the fears i had never came true. I am also from a small town (able it in NJ) and everybody treated me so nicely, from the post office to the bank. I received support not condemnation or hate.

My wife was very difficult but even there it worked out beyond my wildest dreams. In the end i think i didn't have a choice. I needed to be myself regardless and just gave up struggling and let a power greater than me lead me through the process.

It did help to have a gender therapist. She was great at letting me realize i would survive.

You are not alone. One of the old mods here wrote that to me and it made a great deal of difference.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Opal]

It is a tough decision with a gf/wife, as they somehow sense that something has changed, and usually the assumption is that there is another woman involved. Which is true, they just know that the woman is you.

Sometimes the gf/wife can ultimately accept your transition. Others decide that they cannot be in a lesbian relationship, thus breaking up. For those, about the only thing you can do is to stop transitioning, and even then there are no guarantees that your relationship will survive.

Others are giving you good advice. Sometimes there are no easy simple solutions.

Huggs,

Opal

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi Michelle,

There's no right or wrong time other than when it's right for you. Having come out to my wife fairly recently, though, all I can say is that telling someone was like an enormous weight being lifted off of my shoulders and I wish I'd done it years ago.

Sharing a key part of myself has brought my wife and I closer together, at least for now. This may not be true for every relationship. but it is possible. I'm not sure how my journey will ultimately affect my relationship with my wife, but I know now that I'll always have her support even if we decide that simply being good friends is best for both of us. That knowledge is priceless to me.

Ultimately, one needs to decide whether the fear of rejection is more important than the need to be one's true self. That is a tremendously difficult thing to decide, and it's unfortunately human nature to give more weight to our fears than to our hopes and dreams. Make sure you think about the positive ways in which things could turn out and not only the results that you fear.

I hope so much that you can chart a course that leads you to happiness! We all deserve that, but it takes time and real soul searching to achieve. Remember that you don't have to get there all at once. Sometimes just a step in the right direction can make a huge difference.

Hugs,
Julie

[Guest audrey michelle]

Sorry its so late that I am getting back to y'all, but I had to stay late at work. I really appreciate all the replies filled with advice and support. It really means so much right now.

At this point I guess its not really a !after of if I will tell them, more of when/how I will tell them. Part of me thinks that maybe a letter like many others have done or if I should try and muster the strength to be able to tell them in person. The fear of it all going wrong makes me honestly nauseous either which way.

As of now since I just moved back to Arizona I currently do not have a gender therapist but have moved To rectify that situation by enrolling in the va transgender care program. The positive note on that is that I have already worked with the psychiatrist who is now in charge of counselling/support for the program! A few years ago when I lived here last and she was great. I'm hoping maybe she can help me as well in coming out.

All of you make a good point by saying that perhaps my girlfriend (in this context meaning girl I'm in a romantic relationship with) may have some idea of what may be going on, but if she does she hasn't let on about it which is slightly surprising since she found my prescription for estradiol and has !made mention that its made me grow breasts. It sure would make it easier if she would approach me about it if she does know, however I do realize that ultimately its my responsibility to engage her about it when I can get it figured out how I want to do it. I guess the hardest part about it is that not only do I not want to hurt her as she's very determined to have kids and all the other stuff associated with the "american dream" that I can no longer provide her with, but also that she may end up resenting me and then blowing my cover so to speak to family and friends before I am ready to let the proverbial cat out of the bag.

Family and friends I'll tell as well at some point I suppose but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I think at this point anyways I can only manage to do this by breaking it to one group of people at a time i.e. gf,family, and then friends. The stress and potential heartache that may ensue telling not so accepting people that have been in my life will most likely be hard enough to handle in waves much less in the form of a giant tsunami that would happen if I just spilt the beans to everyone all at once. I suppose I could be wrong but this is just what I think at the moment based on inexperience and not being well versed in the matter.

I will continue to try and figure this all out and take all the advice and experiences from all of you into heavy consideration when making a choice of what to do. Any and all further advice will still be greatly appreciated and when the time comes to let the chips lie where they may after telling everyone, I will definitely post about what happens. Hopefully it is as suggested by you all a lot better than I thought it'd be. Thank you all so much.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Michelle,

My friends above have said everything I would say - coming out to those closest to us has to be the hardest thing about transitioning. Scary too. On a light note, if it was easy, everybody would do it. In my experience, those I expected conflict from - were fine and vise versa. I wish you well.

[Charlize]

Michelle you mentioned "letting the cat out of the bag". I've seen personally how the fear of that happening helped me deal with the fear of the results. Much better to be honest and open than to be seen as hiding. At least i was able to talk about my gender issues before i had to apologize for lying to the very one to whom i should be most honest.

We are all on different paths and none is more correct than the other. I will share the fact that once i was open and honest i was in pain for a bit but as that healed the relief and joy i felt lives within me 4 years later.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Alicia Rose]

I'm not one for relationship advice, but in general, I believe that as painful as it may be, that honesty is key. Be true to yourself and be true to others. Being together for such a long time, perhaps she deserves to know the truth? While she could tell others and present challenges before you're ready, that is something you're likely to face anyways -- meaning the people she tell are probably people you'll end up telling anyways. When it came to telling my dad, I felt he deserved to know the truth regardless of his feelings. I opened myself up for my own sake. He would know one day anyways... for the rest of my life I can keep my head up high knowing I opened up and was honest to him.

Ensure you're safety first though... that you won't go without a place to sleep, without money, food, or anything bad could happen. Etc. Write out what you want to say, and have the letter ready because you may not be able to explain yourself clearly on the spot or get everything across to her. It's difficult and scary, but at least she will always know you trusted her and was honest to her in the end - even if she dislikes it. Honesty, respect and courage is what it takes and I hope she sees that.

Best of luck!!!!!!!!

[Guest LesleyAnne]

I pretty much agree with most of the posts above.

I flew 154 combat missions as a gunner in Vietnam, so I'll be honest with you, coming out was the absolute scariest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

I have never felt as sick to my stomach, nor shook as violently as I did each and every time I pulled that person aside. I looked each one of them in the eye and just came out with it. Doing it individually allowed me to see an honest reaction from each. I ended up losing a few friends, and came close to losing my wife, and one of my sons, however that has not happened, and it has been getting better day by day. That was over 2 years ago now, and I'm still here.

Doing it individually was the right thing for me. Do what makes you feel right.

If I recollect you are a vet, so I know you'll not only survive, but you'll mark this as a beginning.

Peace, and Love,

LA

[Guest audrey michelle]

So here's an update on the situation. It all started yesterday. I asked my girlfriend if she would mind if I went and got a pedicure while she was getting some pictures developed at Walmart. She didn't seem to think much of it as I could really use one be cause my feet can get bad sometimes. I'm sure what she didn't expect though was that I had also had my toe nails painted red. This all started a lot of questioning as to why.
A day went by and life went on as normal. Well tonight finally she asked me again why I did it. As I could come up with no excuse and I really wanted to tell her I eventually gave in and came out to her.
At first she was surprised, but didn't seem too shocked. She assured me she'd keep it to herself until I was ready to tell others and that she would always love me. I felt and still kinda del like my heart is racing. I'm happy I told her but still a little worried. I guess only time will tell how it all plays out.

[Charlize]

That is a big step with red toes. It sounds like it was a good first step as well. Patience, tenderness and as much understanding as you can muster will help as well. Best of luck as it moves forward. Let us know how it goes. We are here to help as we can.

PS......Enjoy the toes and don't feel guilty.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest audrey michelle]

Thank you for your support. I am definitely loving the painted toes. Very pretty!. I also just got done telling the potential mother in law and she seems to have mixed feelings about it but mostly leaning towards the understanding side at the moment.