I am Not Transgender

[Guest DianeATL]

I was considering a dating site the other day and debating how much public disclosure of my past was necessary.  Of course if I got to know someone well I am happy to share it but do I need the public disclaimer as I had done in the past?

Then it hit me,  I am not Transgender anymore, I am just a boring cisgender woman who used to be trans.  No I am not dissing or being better than those who haven't had surgery, it just hit me that the adjective no longer fits.

Transgender by definition means that there is a lack of alignment between ones internal gender identity and their physical body causing dysphoria.  Since I have healed from surgery I am extremely happy with my body and there is no dysphoria at all.  I am in total alignment which makes me cis.  All my life I was shy about my body even pre transition never taking my shirt off.  Now when I was getting fitted this week for a DragonCon Costume I stripped for the seamstress with no hesitation whatsoever.  I am finally comfortable nude.

I saw an appropriate quote on the subject:

Never be defined by your past.
It was a lesson not a life sentence.

So I guess I am not allowing my past me to define my future me,

Some may see this as a duh moment but it surprised me to realize that I was only formerly trans now.  I spent the better part of the last 4 years coming to grips with being trans, being comfortable with it, and finally being proud of who I was.  It was a loss of identity to realize that I am not that person anymore in many ways.  Now I have to figure out my transition to being just a plain ole every day woman while respecting my past.  I guess I am now living my dream.  Kids dreams can come true.

[Mayo]

I don't think you have an obligation to disclose up front. All I'd say is, do make sure you know that person well and that you have a good idea of how they'll react when you tell them. As I'm sure you know, a lot of cis men have problems with their own masculinity and anything that might impact it. Be careful. And congratulations on your evolution

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, DianeATL said:

Then it hit me,  I am not Transgender anymore, I am just a boring cisgender woman who used to be trans.  No I am not dissing or being better than those who haven't had surgery, it just hit me that the adjective no longer fits.

everyone have is opinion and is own path. I know that if I date someone that person will want to know that detail about me. I think it's a question of respect. Like many things in life everyone have is own preferences. If someone do not want to date a transgender person I don't want to date that person and he don't want to date me. Case closed. It's just my opinion but I think that I will never be "not trans*" even if I have the surgery and everything. I know that if I look in the mirror there's still things that are male about me. Ok, I know where to look, but still. 

 

I compare this to PTSD. At this point in my life, after therapy and all that, I can live with it far better then before. Can I hide it to others? yes. But, if I love somebody I want them to love me for what I am including trans*, including PTSD. 

 

Anyway, just my 2 cents. I find it wonderfull that you came to that conclusion. Maybe i'm jalous??  lol

[Jani]

This is a good conversation so far.

I've only thought of this in fleeting moments so admittedly I don't have a strong opinion for myself yet.  But I do seem to agree with you Diane that by definition you've moved on.  So I think I may see myself this way too when the time comes.  

When I look in the mirror I still and will probably always will see certain male attributes, because that's what I've been programed to see.  But by our very nature people's physicality is a combination of male and female attributes; some more than others.  As part of our gender presentation we all tend to accentuate one set over the other regardless of whether we're cis- or trans-.  

As far as dating, I can't offer an opinion since I'm married and don't see this ever happening again.  Not to mention that after forty plus years the thought scares me!

Jani

[Guest DianeATL]

1 hour ago, Mayo said:

I don't think you have an obligation to disclose up front. All I'd say is, do make sure you know that person well and that you have a good idea of how they'll react when you tell them. As I'm sure you know, a lot of cis men have problems with their own masculinity and anything that might impact it. Be careful. And congratulations on your evolution

Since I won't be dating men it may be less of an issue I hope, but obviously in an intimate relationship I'd be very open.  I guess the real key is how I see myself now.  Not as a trans woman but just as a woman.  And that is remarkable.

[Alejandra]

"  I am Not Transgender.  " ~ DianeATL

  This is a stunning and courageous statement, especially when made on a transgender forum by a woman who has obviously come to understands that being transgender (or transsexual), is a temporary condition and not a necessarily life long sentence. I think that for some, subscribing to the notion that being transgender or transsexual is some kind of a third sex needing special governmental protection as a protected class, is a matter of psychological survival.  I have no issue with that. I just think that for some that is not the ultimate goal.  I think that is the point of SRS....to better be able to fit in and live and love in a normal way........just like everybody else.

Yes Diane.  " I guess the real key is how I see myself now.  Not as a trans woman but just as a woman.  And that is remarkable"  ~ DianeATL

I applaud your realization and wish you all the best in your future.

[Guest]

Wow, this psychological survival thing is very strange. I was under the impression that nobody on this forum really wanted to be transgender and just be a cis man or woman. I still think that being transgender is a curse, lol. Alejandra I, personnaly, say I will always be transgender because of the following reasons. Again, it's a personnal thing and I'm happy when someone say and trully believe it's all in the past. :

1. my rib cage is very large

2. my hips are not wide

3. I have hair on my feets

4. I have hair on my fingers

5. I have a large larynx or whatever the name of the voice box

6. I have a receding hair line

7. Although I had SRS it's very clearly constructed by a human being

8. My chromosomes are still male ones

9. Everybody I knew before transition still very much treat me like a man no matter how much I try to shake that off.

10. My boobs are not fully developped and probably never will be

11. some features in my face are very typically male

 

Plus, all my therapists always told me that no matter what I did I would always be transgender. Because of all of those reasons and many more I will always be transgender. Many of those reason are still a source, although small, of dysphoria for me. For me it's not a temporary condition. It was not when I was 7 and was crying all day long because I was not able to fit in and was in panic. It was not temporary when I started puberty and was in depression. It is not temporary now because of all of those reasons and it will not be temporary the day I will have to go to the endo the adjust my HRT at, let's say, 50 years old. 

 

In fact I don't even trully understand how someone can say it's temporary. I would love it so much to be able to leave it behind. But all this list will still be true and my 2 child will still call me "father". I think that DianeATL is very lucky to be at a place in her life where she can say this. But I don't think it's very funny to imply someone chose to be in this situation. 

In my mind I was always a girl and later a woman. I was not even aware "transgender" existed. But I will always be different and in my context it would almost be dellusionnal to think i'm not transgender. 

oh and I don't see how the gouvernement protect us since depending on where we live the gouvernement barely recognize our basic rights. One of my friend still don't have access to her childrens because her being trans* is seen like a perversion by the judge (it's an old judgement but it still hold)

Maybe I live in the wrong reality, maybe i'm too pessimistic but come on, let's be real for one minute.

[Alejandra]

2 hours ago, soliloque said:

I don't think it's very funny to imply someone chose to be in this situation

I am sorry that you seem to have misunderstood. I never in my wildest dreams mean to imply that being born TS or TG is a choice.  I don't understand how you can draw that inference.  Nevertheless I hope we can agree that for some people, transition is just that; a temporary state of change.

I do not think that a rational argument can be made that all people are the same and that all outcomes will be the same.  And while it is true that some jurisdictions are  friendlier to transgender people than others, it seems pretty clear that the direction of change has been positive for the past several years.

So please let me be clear.  I in no way was trying to be funny or to denigrate anybody.  What I meant was that by identifying with a particular group or identity, (transgender/lgbt), there is at the very least a comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there is strength in numbers.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Alejandra said:

This is a stunning and courageous statement, especially when made on a transgender forum by a woman who has obviously come to understands that being transgender (or transsexual), is a temporary condition and not a necessarily life long sentence.

 

 

12 minutes ago, Alejandra said:

Nevertheless I hope we can agree that for some people, transition is just that; a temporary state of change

I don't see some in the first quote

 

3 hours ago, Alejandra said:

I think that for some, subscribing to the notion that being transgender or transsexual is some kind of a third sex needing special governmental protection

Basically what I understand is that for every transgender it's a temporary condition. But, for some it's a form of gouvernemental protection?

anyway. My response was to that. It's a good thing it was all a misunderstanding. lol

[Alejandra]

Quote

 I think that for some, subscribing to the notion that being transgender or transsexual is some kind of a third sex needing special governmental protection as a protected class, is a matter of psychological survival. 

Sorry you missed that.  Understanding "every", when what is written is "some", certainly is a misunderstanding.  I am glad we cleared that up.

[Guest]

 hahaha, wow

39 minutes ago, soliloque said:

 

 

look, i'm speechless

[Jani]

I think this discussion underscores the notion that for each one of us this is a very personal journey.   While there may be similarities in all our stories, where we start and where we end is dependent upon choices we make (or do not make) in our lives.  

Jani

[Guest]

This place was built for ALL transgender groups and for those who weren't sure what they were.  It is a place of self discovery.  No one diagnoses anyone here because we aren't qualified  WE always recommend counseling because it can be a life altering move to change gender.  Sometimes crossdressers end up as Transgenderists orTranssexuals and others go back the other way.  And yes, some discover that they weren't transgender at all. Most though find peace with their issues. This is why we are here to help you discover your answer.   Some are so distressed they commit suicide.  Our main mission is to lower the suicide rate.  We have saved many lives since 2004.

Some rush in take hormones immediately and illegally without any counseling whatsoever.  Then the write asking to get rid of their breasts.  The ones who do well follow the Standards of care.  Transsexualism is a medical condition.  There are also some who decide to keep their original genitals and live as the opposite sex.  ALL are welcome here. Many who change lose suicidal thoughts through transitioning and becoming who they are.  These success's show that community support works.  To get through the whole process and no longer feel trans is perfectly normal for both men and women.  People actually graduate from here.  We alsways hope that Poat-ops will stay to show others the ropes.

 

Laura

[Mia]

51 minutes ago, Laura said:

This place was built for ALL transgender groups and for those who weren't sure what they were.  It is a place of self discovery.  No one diagnoses anyone here because we aren't qualified  WE always recommend counseling because it can be a life altering move to change gender.  Sometimes crossdressers end up as Transgenderists orTranssexuals and others go back the other way.  And yes, some discover that they weren't transgender at all. Most though find peace with their issues. This is why we are here to help you discover your answer.   Some are so distressed they commit suicide.  Our main mission is to lower the suicide rate.  We have saved many lives since 2004.

Some rush in take hormones immediately and illegally without any counseling whatsoever.  Then the write asking to get rid of their breasts.  The ones who do well follow the Standards of care.  Transsexualism is a medical condition.  There are also some who decide to keep their original genitals and live as the opposite sex.  ALL are welcome here. Many who change lose suicidal thoughts through transitioning and becoming who they are.  These success's show that community support works.  To get through the whole process and no longer feel trans is perfectly normal for both men and women.  People actually graduate from here.  We alsways hope that Poat-ops will stay to show others the ropes.

 

Laura

Thanks for the message Laura. Reading that makes me feel better. I know I get salty about politics and whatnot here sometimes, but I'm not ever here to argue and this place really does help me. I really appreciate all of the advice that everyone here has and I'm glad this website exists. I just wanted to say that.

[Guest DianeATL]

I didn't know that I would set off a fire storm with this topic but discussion and debate is healthy.

To those who infer that I think being trans is a curse or a disease or something to be fixed, you are absolutely wrong.  I celebrate my uniqueness and never intended any message like that.

I know that I will always have characteristics that define me as a trans woman like my bigger rib cage and I am not hiding or denying that.

I simply was trying to say that the root definition of transgender, someone who is in conflict with their body and their gender identity, is not something that fits me anymore.  I have no dysphoria and I know I am lucky as many will never achieve that.  I still get misgendered and those kinds of  problems from the public but my view of me is that I am wholly a woman now.  And I am learning how to honor my former trans status while celebrating and living the current me.  It is a tightrope with no black and white rules to follow.

[Alejandra]

10 hours ago, DianeATL said:

I didn't know that I would set off a fire storm with this topic but discussion and debate is healthy.

To those who infer that I think being trans is a curse or a disease or something to be fixed, you are absolutely wrong.  I celebrate my uniqueness and never intended any message like that.

I know that I will always have characteristics that define me as a trans woman like my bigger rib cage and I am not hiding or denying that. 

I simply was trying to say that the root definition of transgender, someone who is in conflict with their body and their gender identity, is not something that fits me anymore.  I have no dysphoria and I know I am lucky as many will never achieve that.

Hi Diane.  I would not go so far as to describe the forgoing as a 'firestorm', but maybe more of an expression of different points of view.  As you have pointed out, not everyone is so lucky as to be able to say, as you have and perhaps some others, that transgender is no longer a term that applies to you.  Like you, I do not think that I ever viewed my situation as a curse or a disease.  Nevertheless I certainly saw it as something that most definitely needed to be fixed.

Personally I do not let these characteristics that you speak of, like a bigger rib cage or maybe even the fact that our most intimate parts have been surgically rearranged, define me in anyway whatsoever.  IMHO these are things which just are as they are and at least in my life have never been an issue.  In other words, they are only an issue, (or a problem), if you allow them to be.

[Guest DianeATL]

Agreed Alejandra, They aren't a problem, but they will always define me as different from other girls.  And viva la difference.

 

[kóri]

10-plus years later, I often forget "this" ever happened to me.  So, yes, it's possible to completely transsex.

[Guest Midna]

I don't think you can become cis-gender. If you have surgery, you're still trans, it shouldn't be thought of negatively, it's just a lifetime thing. It would feel like an insult to me to be called not trans anymore just because I had surgery... it's still part of my identity, I still have things that make me different to a cis gender girl (even if I would want to be more like a cis gender girl, it's just reality)...

I don't know... that's how I see it.

Also I think someone who couldn't know about you being trans and wouldn't accept it wouldn't be worth "dating".

[MarcieMarie12]

I struggle with this, but the logical part of me realizes that as much as I desire to be 100% female there will always be some things that mark me different. Part of my journey is coming to terms with that. So would I still be trans? Yes. Would I feel trans, rather than female, no. I guess it is that contradiction between what reason dictates and what my feelings are. I believe the feelings are more important than the reasoning. If I am treated like a woman, and live as woman and feel like a woman, for all intents and purposes I am a woman even if there are somethings about me that are off. But am I a cis-woman? No--I will not reach that. 

 

I agree with you Midna, being trans in nothing to be ashamed of or run away from. It is just something you are. 

[Alejandra]

So here is my 'old school' perspective.  Both terms, "cis" and "trans" used as nouns, are recently constructed terms used as part of the constantly evolving trans* narrative.  Is it any wonder that those subscribing religiously to the trans* narrative would be constrained to tow this particular party line.

Perhaps this is a result of the evolution of trans* culture.  From my POV, which is admittedly much different from the majority here, this entire culture/lifestyle/construct/definition and creation of language is what now defines what it means to be trans*, which is just about anything non-cis. The result end result is this newly constructed "quasi-sex/gender", neither male nor female, now known as trans*.

 

[Alejandra]

Transgender by definition means that there is a lack of alignment between ones internal gender identity and their physical body causing dysphoria.  Since I have healed from surgery I am extremely happy with my body and there is no dysphoria at all.  I am in total alignment which makes me cis.

Edited October 21, 2016 by Dev
Removed quote box mistakenly attributing comment to another member.

[Guest DianeATL]

On 10/17/2016 at 9:15 PM, Alejandra said:

So here is my 'old school' perspective.  Both terms, "cis" and "trans" used as nouns, are recently constructed terms used as part of the constantly evolving trans* narrative.  Is it any wonder that those subscribing religiously to the trans* narrative would be constrained to tow this particular party line.

Perhaps this is a result of the evolution of trans* culture.  From my POV, which is admittedly much different from the majority here, this entire culture/lifestyle/construct/definition and creation of language is what now defines what it means to be trans*, which is just about anything non-cis. The result end result is this newly constructed "quasi-sex/gender", neither male nor female, now known as trans*.

 

My view and the view of those who monitor language, is that "trans" or "transgender" should never be a noun or adverb but only an adjective.  Here is a quote from the GLAAD guide for media.

"Transgender should be used as an adjective not a noun.  Do not say, "Tony is a transgender," or "The parade included many transgenders."  Instead say "Tony is a transgender man," or "The Parade included many transgender people."

www.glaad.org/reference/transgender

Cis and trans are not recently created but actually are Latin in origin.  Trans means across from as in trans Atlantic, and cis means along side or on the same side,  Basically the opposite of trans.

When you use "trans" as a noun you are saying that we are not male or female but rather a third type (which is one point of view) but it is much more inclusive to use trans or cis to describe the same way you would say she is a tall woman or Asian woman, she is a trans woman.  One can argue against a binary system at all, but as long as the binary gender scheme is prevalent, the use of an adjective to further describe the person as trans is much better.

I have had cis friends question why we need cis gender and I challenge them to describe someone who is not transgender.  The ways they try without using cis are to say things like "natural born" or "genetically" or something else that in someway makes the trans person less of a person.  Cis is the opposite of trans so it is an appropriate way to describe someone who is not trans.

Of course, my vote is to throw away all of the labels of gender and race,  The lines are super blurred on both anyway.  Just call me Diane. ;-) 

[Guest]

19 hours ago, DianeATL said:

My view and the view of those who monitor language, is that "trans" or "transgender" should never be a noun or adverb but only an adjective.  Here is a quote from the GLAAD guide for media.

"Transgender should be used as an adjective not a noun.  Do not say, "Tony is a transgender," or "The parade included many transgenders."  Instead say "Tony is a transgender man," or "The Parade included many transgender people."

www.glaad.org/reference/transgender

Cis and trans are not recently created but actually are Latin in origin.  Trans means across from as in trans Atlantic, and cis means along side or on the same side,  Basically the opposite of trans.

When you use "trans" as a noun you are saying that we are not male or female but rather a third type (which is one point of view) but it is much more inclusive to use trans or cis to describe the same way you would say she is a tall woman or Asian woman, she is a trans woman.  One can argue against a binary system at all, but as long as the binary gender scheme is prevalent, the use of an adjective to further describe the person as trans is much better.

I have had cis friends question why we need cis gender and I challenge them to describe someone who is not transgender.  The ways they try without using cis are to say things like "natural born" or "genetically" or something else that in someway makes the trans person less of a person.  Cis is the opposite of trans so it is an appropriate way to describe someone who is not trans.

Of course, my vote is to throw away all of the labels of gender and race,  The lines are super blurred on both anyway.  Just call me Diane. ;-) 

Thanks Diane wonderful human being. Is that an adjective or a title? Either way it fits.

I'm now comfortable within my body and uncomfortable in the world I live in. My quest has always been to experience as many things female as possible.  Menopause, periods, psuedocyesis pregnancy,  lactation, mammograms,  painful breast mass and the terrifying fear of breast cancer only to be a lymph node,  a fused labia minora, (that surgery was anticlimactic) other normal girl health issues down there, that my gynocologist and I can giggle about,  suffice to say don't buy cheap inferior sex toys. Feminism, women's history, health and social issues.

I apologize World,  I don't have time to be male.  I'm too busy being female with the rest of my girlfriends. As intersex,  I am genetically female.  Well only half,  but I don't consider myself to be anything half breed.  I'm  God's gift to me,  as burdenous as it may be.  What were the qualifiers again?

The surgery recovery was a pain down there any mother could identify with. Now a year past healing it all just seems so normal for me. I don't really care what their normal is or was, as I fly in their faces as who and what I am.

I don't care which came first the chicken or the egg? Along came Jody and I'm fine with that. Then I met Diane and her amazing  journey,  just a girl I know and call friend.  Giggle

[Jennifer T]

I kind of feel like I just get 'taken out with the trash' in these types of conversations. That's not a reflection on anyone here or anyone's particular opinion. Just an emotional reaction to a crappy self situation...

Peace