Advise needed in how I should proceed with the coming out process

[Jennifer75]

Again thanks for your warm welcome greeting in my introduction thread! The words warms me so much that they make my cry of happiness.

 

My situation:

I have a wife that I love, I consider myself an lesbian woman. My wife is straight to my knowledge. Could be tricky.

 

But I have an old friend, biological woman that is lesbian. When she came out as lesbian I was the first one that she told. She put her faith in me.

I supported her off course even though I was in love with her at that time. She made her choice in a partner that she’s been with since then. They are happy together.

We have had a deep friendship a long time. I’m considering coming out to her as my first coming out person.

 

My parent will be tricky and my sister as well. 

 

I think I’ll start with the easy person first to get a feel for this coming out process.

 

What would be wise to say when you come out?

 

Anna 

[Cyndee]

Hi Anna, coming out is a very personal decision. Your trusted friend sounds like a wonderful candidate for this information. It's really a matter of being totally honest with yourself and those you care about. There is no script for this, I personally preferred to share this kind of information in person face to face as opposed to email, chat, text, or phone call. You could select a nice place that is private and quiet to share this kind of information, free from potential interruptions. As far as what you say, just be aware that coming out is essentially a way one trip, once the proverbial genie is out of the bottle, you can't put her back. This information likely will alter other's perceptions of you for the rest of your days. I would just be honest with your friend, tell her how you feel inside, and perhaps seek her advice on how to handle your wife and this information. I hope it goes well for you Anna.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[Jennifer75]

Just now, CyndiRae said:

Hi Anna, coming out is a very personal decision. Your trusted friend sounds like a wonderful candidate for this information. It's really a matter of being totally honest with yourself and those you care about. There is no script for this, I personally preferred to share this kind of information in person face to face as opposed to email, chat, text, or phone call. You could select a nice place that is private and quiet to share this kind of information, free from potential interruptions. As far as what you say, just be aware that coming out is essentially a way one trip, once the proverbial genie is out of the bottle, you can't put her back. This information likely will alter other's perceptions of you for the rest of your days. I would just be honest with your friend, tell her how you feel inside, and perhaps seek her advice on how to handle your wife and this information. I hope it goes well for you Anna.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

Thanks Cyndi!

I think I will send my friend a message that I have something important to share with her, right now after I have written this. I need to take a bigger step than just hiding from people that know me personally. 

The funny thing is that my friend, biological woman, has always been much more masculine than me. I don’t think she is transgender though, maybe androgynous is the right word to desrcibe her.  But I think she will easily understand. 

 

OK now I will go an send her that message... summoning her for the big first coming out! Cheer for me my friends here!

 

Anna

[Jennifer75]

Just one question before sending my friend that text...

 

Should I give half the truth in the message? 

Write something like... I want to come out with something... 

 

Give her a clue, something to think about that maybe could ease up the tension before the actual meeting? Would that be wise..

 

Or save everything to the meeting and just write... I would like to meet you.

 

I think it would be easier for me to work up the nerve with giving half the truth... She knows then that is is something big, maybe she even figures it out.

 

What shall I do?

 

Anna

[Cyndee]

My take - I would essentially leave any drama out of the request to meet up. But you could say how important it is to you or something along those lines.

 

Another thing to consider is this information reaching "mutual friends" of your wife. Your wife's position with these friends becomes altered, some might be very sympathetic to your wife, because no matter how you handle things, it's a loss for your wife. Be aware that the more you may become comfortable being "out" it may become very uncomfortable for your wife, I would be mindful of this possibility.

 

Good luck !

 

C -

[Jennifer75]

Just now, CyndiRae said:

My take - I would essentially leave any drama out of the request to meet up. But you could say how important it is to you or something along those lines.

 

Good luck !

 

C -

Ok here it goes. The point of no return. I will write her now. If I cannot face her I will never be free. This is very very important. I will confirm here when the text is sent.

Thanks for the support! Soon I will be free.. one day free as a woman in every way!

 

Hugs to you my friend!

 

Anna 

[Jennifer75]

Ok text sent. I wrote..

 

Hello! Now I would really need to meet you. It is about a thing that I can only talk to you about. Many hugs to you my friend! 

 

I wrote it in a more feminine style than usual to give some kind of clue.

 

I hope that the actual meeting will go well.

 

Anna

[Sakura]

Best advice I can offer is not to assume any one will take this news good or bad and be prepared to deal with the emotional fallout that most definitely will come with it. My mom for example I really did think would handle this well enough... it took years to repair the relationship I had with her. Where as my homophobic uncles and cousin my very conservative Christian Aunt mostly accepted it. This is one of those situations that will touch every aspect of your life if you choose to pursue it and having a strong support network or at the very least a friendly therapist to help guide you through what could be a very turbulent tide of change is key to success.     

[Jennifer75]

Thanks for advice!

My friend responded, we are going to meet up in about a week.

I have some time to prepare  

I see it as a fight for my freedom. A fight for Anna.

Anna needs to emerge!

[Jennifer75]

Cold feet is suddenly building up while waiting for the meet up with my friend. Please help me... I want to do this. To be free. But these damned cold feet. I feel like a chicken.

 

[Cyndee]

Hi Anna, having 2nd thoughts is only human, that means you are considering more than the simple act of telling. It's the life after the event that matters, it's that planning for the long horizon. Relax, and take your time, and consider how you can build that support you will need. This is a journey of years made of so many moments...

 

Take good care

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[Jennifer75]

Just now, CyndiRae said:

Hi Anna, having 2nd thoughts is only human, that means you are considering more than the simple act of telling. It's the life after the event that matters, it's that planning for the long horizon. Relax, and take your time, and consider how you can build that support you will need. This is a journey of years made of so many moments...

 

Take good care

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

Thank you! Hugs

 

Anna

[Jennifer75]

I’ve decided to write to my friend through email. These cold feet are bugging me. I think she is the best one take can take it. We are going to have a long talk after a weeks time. I think I will prepare her, because I think she will be able to help me. I am a very good writer so maybe I will tell my story better through writing than just talking. 

I feel so so lost. Need a lot of help. I cannot cope anymore. Depression starts to take over again if I don’t break the wall.

 

Hold up your thumbs for me... I will unveil my secret for the first time now. 

[Jennifer75]

I did write just now. But I did not spell it out. I am testing her a bit if she really recognize my issue, maybe that way my transgenderism will be confirmed even more firm. If anyone knows me she does, even more than my wife. I helped her many years ago. Maybe I will get some help too.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Anna,

The first time is the most terrifying. I think you've made a good choice in who to come out to. An email is fine, but I wouldn't do too much beating around the bush. The sooner you do it, the sooner it will be done. And when that first email comes back hopefully full of support and acceptance, the feeling will be beyond what you can imagine! At least it was for me. Good luck!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Kirsten]

Hey Anna,

cold feet are the name of this game for sure. And the first person is the hardest. It gives me anxiety, but also such a rush at the same time. Like everyone has said be honest. Don’t mess about too much. And be prepared for anything to happen. I’ve told people that I knew 100% were gonna hate me. And they don’t. I’ve told other people that I figured would be big supporters for me that aren’t. You never know what’s going to happen. 

I would recommend saying it face to face though. It’s a big step. One that’ll open up a lot of doors to you. Once you've told one person you can tell another. It’ll give you courage for what’s to come. 

❤️Kirsten 

[Jennifer75]

Thanks all!

 

Its is my road for sure. I know that my life will change a lot, maybe even a move to another place is required. But I’m mostly prepared for it. 

Another chance at life

 

hugs to you all 

Anna

[Jennifer75]

The secret is out, at least to my friend! I could not dwell anymore on it. 

I described my struggle to fit in. And suddenly I wrote the words.

Whatever the response is I feel free!! 

It really feels like the journey has begun, a new adventure even if it is hard.

Maybe there is still a chance that Anna can be freed from her closet for real!

At least I’ve told someone for the very first time  

I am happy to be Anna.

[Jani]

Congratulations.  The next time will be easier. 

 

Jani

[Jennifer75]

Another step taken in my coming out process!

Today I called another transgender in my area, there are not many around here that has gone through transitioning, just her (as far as she and I know of) - an mtf transgender. 

This is maybe not directly connected to coming out but for me an essential part.

I called a transgender sister! I got to ask many questions, got practical information about the transitioning steps here in my country.

Also to know a local person that has gone through the transitioning  process is valuable!

I´m now more commited than ever and will go to my local healtcare Place to get the first papers so the transitioning can begin. As soon as it is possible I´ll start. 

 

Crying of hapiness and bliss :)

 

Anna

[Cyndee]

You've taken a valuable step Anna in gaining information on the ground there where you live. Having a sister to discuss things with is quite valuable, good for you.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[Jani]

Yeah!?

[Jennifer75]

Thanks girls!

I feel that the conversation I had with her propelled me forward even more.

This forum is of course one of my big inspiration sources too!

 

The feeling of being reborn is starting to grow seriously now.

I’ve already started to think about clothing and women’s purses and handbags  :) Many wonderful things to think about and plan for. It is interesting, as a man I have never been interested in clothes but as a women the interest in clothes is huge!

 

hugs,

Anna

 

[Jani]

We do tend to discover sides of ourselves that were previously hidden.   Have fun shopping!

 

Jani 

[Jennifer75]

Just now, Jani said:

We do tend to discover sides of ourselves that were previously hidden.   Have fun shopping!

 

Jani 

Thanks! I will.