Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Audrey]

So all the talk about marriage today prompted me to have an honest talk with my partner about our relationship. We've had a few of those lately just because my growing breasts have been a sore spot (literally and figuratively). I guess the anxiety got the better of me today so I needed to speak up. I wanted to make it clear that transition ultimately means I'm planning to have bottom surgery and that I view our relationship a lesbian relationship despite the obvious. The directness on both took her off-guard, and I'm realizing that while I've been very forward-minded in the relationship, she seems much more day-to-day in it, and that took me off-guard. Was I too direct? Maybe, but I also believe it's important that I'm honest about where I'm headed and how I see things in the future. I'm emotionally prepared for the possibility that our relationship doesn't survive transition, and while I'd be hurt if that happened, I also accept that it's the risk that I'm taking by staying in the relationship. The pandemic has brought us closer together in many ways. She's grown to accept so much in a short time, including coming out as trans, going by Audrey, starting HRT, and taking on a more obvious feminine appearance with clothes, makeup, and soon hair. I really do feel blessed, we communicate really well and I do believe we can work through things. Just feeling pretty anxious at the moment and wanting to get my thoughts and feelings sorted out.

 

I also looked into it.. if we were married - NY recognizes same-sex marriages, it's been legal here for nearly 10 years. I think it would still be recognized through a name and gender marker change, but I'm not 100% sure on that.

 

Thanks for listening... I know many of you have been here before! ❤️ 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ann W]

@Audrey, This is difficult stuff.  It's great that you want to be clear and honest, and it sounds like there are good things about your relationship.  While we get so worried about acceptance, I've found that when I've told someone about me, they  seem mostly concerned about how it affects them.  We're human.

 

I think it's also great that you're concerned about going to fast.  It may be easier to let things evolve a bit more in your partner's mind, even though you may be sure about your course...just so they feel a little more involved in the decisions, rather than feeling faced with an ultimatum.  People can be pretty adaptable, but it takes time.

 

I feel for all of you that are navigating your transition within a relationship.  It's a whole other layer of complexity.  My advice may not be great because I've been single a long time, but I do have a woman that likes to remind me of how I got her to fall in love with me, then realized I wanted to be female.  She was mad about me doing things in that order, but luckily we're still friends.

 

I wish you the very best outcomes in matters of life and love.

?

[TTheta]

My friend told me that I look like a puffle from club penguin... I know my hair is fluffy but geez pfft.  

[Audrey]

10 hours ago, Ann W said:

I do have a woman that likes to remind me of how I got her to fall in love with me, then realized I wanted to be female.  She was mad about me doing things in that order, but luckily we're still friends.

 

I wish you the very best outcomes in matters of life and love.

?

Thanks Ann! I think this is what's at the heart of the issue. The relationship started on the premise that I was a cisgender man looking for a cisgender woman. That all changed the second I came out. Back then, I remember being asked why I didn't say something sooner. I'm striving to remember that I've had years to sort out myself and what's important to me, but my partner has had a vastly shorter amount of time. I hope my approach with my partner didn't feel like an ultimatum, that wasn't my intent, but I can see how it might have come across that way. I also wouldn't want her to feel obligated to stay with me either, or for me to feel she broke up with me just because I'm transgender. Today is a new day though, I'm feeling hopeful this morning that the solid foundation of honesty and communication will carry us into the future.

 

Sorry to hear about your friend being mad at you, but it's wonderful that you've formed a friendship with her!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[CallMeKeira]

French pressed coffee and an opening shift at work. Therapy tomorrow. Looking forward to a serious discussion about the possibility of transition. This double life is taking a toll on me. I hope all are well.

 

-With coffee and optimism,

Keira

[Kiera]

11 hours ago, Audrey said:

So all the talk about marriage today 

 

Thanks for listening... I know many of you have been here before! ❤️ 

      Audrey, I meant to ask, what part of "the city" you in? I was born on Long Island, Long Beach Nassau County, before young years spent in New Jersey and then high school (and beyond) was in Greenwich CT. Started at JFK in '78 before moving to Flushing, Queens (Jackson Heights), close to LaGuardia, and then in '98 managed to escape to Georgia (which I do NOT regret!)

 

      Retired from airlines in 2008 (30 yrs!), many "odd jobs" since, but point is resumed transition in '06, been divorced 10 years now (2010) AND ONCE AGAIN SHE IS STILL HERE! What Ann W says is sound - if time take it slow - but any idea/plans for "family" at all? My last (of 2) was in '99, we we're both over 40 at the time, and if intent on actively transitioning many "partners" might consider "childless" to be a deal breaker for sure! 

 

With #4 grandbaby being born just last Weds HE WAS WORTH THE WAIT and currently 'ave no transition regrets at all! (Mods: do hope "Coffee On" is ok for a sort of "Intro")

 

[TTheta]

It's currently 3:38 am let's goooooooooo. 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Go where? Nothing is open.

 

Hugs!

[TTheta]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Go where? Nothing is open.

 

Hugs!

Pfft you got me there.

 

Hm, but I got masks!!

[Kiera]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Go where? Nothing is open.

       LOCKED DOWN states? It's 7AM here, everything is open, drink "Gevalia" dark roast (caffine & nicotine give immunity?) and never wear a mask did it ever occur "touch this, touch that, adjust face & mask" might be what's spreading it? Live with daughter, who in past tested "positive", never caught it myself and now her boyfriend's entire house (4 other guys) got it and still she's "negative" . . . 

Gofigure I understand many tests give a "false positive"?

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Kiera said:

       LOCKED DOWN states? It's 7AM here, everything is open, drink "Gevalia" dark roast (caffine & nicotine give immunity?) and never wear a mask did it ever occur "touch this, touch that, adjust face & mask" might be what's spreading it? Live with daughter, who in past tested "positive", never caught it myself and now her boyfriend's entire house (4 other guys) got it and still she's "negative" . . . 

Gofigure I understand many tests give a "false positive"?

 

Careful there. Please keep rants about the pandemic and it's attendant politics in the appropriate section of the forum. Rule #15.Thank you.

[Elizabeth Star]

Morning all, my coffee?....don't care. I'm losing all of my motivation. I've spent the last 18 days working my ass of getting my house organized. My wife uses the time to constantly misgender and dead-name me. I would like to say it's causing a high level of anxiety but I'm a little fuzzy on the term and how it applies to me. All I know is when the electrician came over yesterday she stepped in front me and introduced me as her husband and dead named to him. It sends my emotions to a dark place when things like that happen and lately they are happening all the time.  Now knowing our stimulus checks are only, most likely $600 I know a name change is out for the foreseeable future. She said I could in a couple months but realistically It's more like never bring it up again. I was suppose to be able to buy some clothes a while back and was asked to wait a week...a week. That was 3 months ago, still hasn't happened and the topic has been completely avoided. I'm watching money constantly leave for stuff she says we must have that I don't need. Especially cigarettes. I have to deal with a little scolding for spending a couple bucks for something off the discount rack but we always have her cigarette money. Even with her heart issues and knowing it will literally save her life she still won't quit. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I'm still falling apart.

 

Thank you all for being here. Right now my emotions are a mess and I need to feel obligated to check-in everyday.

[CallMeKeira]

My usual opening shift stop was closed! Had to go to a different gas station. I still got some breakfast sandwiches and coffee, but the creamer selection was inferior. Oh well.

[CallMeKeira]

Hang in there ElizabethStar! We're all here for you!

[Jackie C.]

Hey @ElizabethStar! That takes me back a little. I'm flashing back to the 80's when a bunch of my friends at the time quit smoking because the price went from $1 to $1.25. The reasoning was, "You can usually bum a dollar from someone, but they won't part with that extra twenty-five cents."

I've how powerful that addiction can be though. My grandfather smoked until he was in an oxygen tent. He had roughly a quarter of his lung capacity throughout my entire life. There were all manner of things he couldn't do, but they weren't as important to him as sucking on those little cancer sticks. Heck, I had a friend in high school who wouldn't stop smoking despite her asthma and walking pneumonia.

 

It sounds like your wife is taking advantage. There's always money for her stuff, and never anything for you. She deadnames you in front of strangers. That's just disrespectful. It's also her problem, not yours. It sounds like there's something (or maybe several somethings) she doesn't like about herself and she's taking them out on you. That's just from the little window you've shared about her self-destructive behavior and how she goes out of her way to shame you. She's angry. With herself, but you make a convenient target because otherwise she has to turn inward and that's hard.

I don't have a solution for that. You can't fix other people. All you can do is learn to love yourself. Realize that you have value, and turn that positive energy out into the world.

 

I've always been fuzzy about anxiety too. Don't sweat it. I can't believe I just said that. Anyway, I find that meditation helps. It doesn't have to be for very long, just a couple of minutes a day where you just close your eyes, relax and don't think about anything except your breath.

 

1 hour ago, CallMeKeira said:

I still got some breakfast sandwiches and coffee, but the creamer selection was inferior.

 

Not the creamer selection! I always thought of Ohio as being somehow inferior, but an inferior creamer selection is beyond the pale! That's some serious dystopian stuff right there!

 

Silliness tag if that was really necessary. I don't eat out of gas stations unless strictly necessary. I worked at one out of high school. Granted that was before gas station food was more complicated than coffee and Hostess snacks. I remember banana flavored pies sometimes in my nightmares.

 

May you find a better creamer selection. I don't drink coffee so I have no idea what that would even look like, but may you know it when you see it.

 

Hugs!

[Emily michelle]

I’m sorry to hear that Elizabeth. Marriage is a two way street and an equal partnership. I know adjusting to a transition can be extremely hard for both sides. I could be wrong but it seems to me your wife is jealous of you and who you are becoming. Is she afraid that you might fully transition and leave. Or is it that as catty as it sounds she thinks you will be better looking then her. I know it sounds trivial but now you could be competition to her even though you’re partners. I apologize if my insight is completely wrong. What ever the case you deserve to be happy and no one can deprive you of that. Stay strong girl!

[Audrey]

 

Anxiety is indeed a strange thing. I definitely struggle with it too. I guess it's what I call endless "what if?" thoughts, physical restlessness, and sleepless nights all put together. I sometimes try breathing exercises to help ease my anxiety. Maybe they help a little?

 

@ElizabethStar, I'm sorry to hear that your wife is eroding your motivation and pushing you into those dark places, and it was just outright mean for her to deadname you in front of the electrician. The thing that I keep coming to in my head is, are there really people out there who believe that being transgender and transitioning are easy? I know I'm not doing it because it's easy - I'm doing it to survive, quite literally. Otherwise, dysphoria and its ascendant depression would just crush me. @Ann W was saying a little earlier that people sometimes define what's happening only in terms of how it impacts them, and aren't really able to step outside themselves and empathize with others' emotions and experience. That's just what your wife is doing. I agree with @Jackie C., her anger is palpable, and it's far easier for her to displace and project her emotions on to you than face them herself. It's like by hurting you and tearing you down, she can feel better about herself. It's true that you can't change her, but only yourself and how you react to her. I believe that you've done more than your fair share of communicating and compromising (i.e., you're doing all the work), and she seems to simply be moving the goalposts or just ignoring them altogether. You absolutely deserve to be happy, just as @Emily michelle said.

 

Please know you can reach out anytime, Elizabeth. I'm happy to talk and listen, and offer you a supportive ear and hug. I'm wrestling with my own demons too, but we're sisters on this journey. Stronger, together!

 

p.s. Hostess snacks. You're making me want a Twinkie in all its chemically-processed deliciousness.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Elizabeth Star]

Jackie, Emily, Audrey.

All of you have valid points and are things I have been thinking about. I think we're going to have a nice talk today. An I don't give a crap how she feels about it talk. A few things can be compromised on most others no. I am done being treated like this. I've already put my big girl skirt on just waiting for her to crawl out of bed.

 

 

 

 

[KathyLauren]

@Audrey, congratulations on talking to your wife about where you are headed.  It will help the relationship, being open about your direction and destination.

 

@ElizabethStar, good luck with having the talk with your wife. 

 

Sunday morning espresso for breakfast.  Then I waded through the snow out to the barn to get the snowblower.  I spent an hour and a half clearing the deck for the cats, and the back yard for the dog.  Then I tried to do the 800-foot driveway.  I finished two passes (it takes four to do it properly), but I was getting a funny smell and I noticed that the machine wasn't throwing the snow very far. 

 

Drat!  A slipping drive belt on the auger!  So I'll have to see if I can adjust it in the cold.  Meanwhile, I have probably removed enough snow to drive the car down the driveway.  But I'll have to take a shovel down to the road to clear the rest of the snowplow drift.  And it will take my nose 48 hours to recover from the exhaust and burning rubber fumes.  Oh, and I still need to go up on a ladder with the roof rake to pull the snow off the skylight before it gets an ice dam and starts to leak.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

Oh, and I still need to go up on a ladder with the roof rake to pull the snow off the skylight before it gets an ice dam and starts to leak.

I do love North Carolina.

 

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I don't eat out of gas stations unless strictly necessary.

Probably wise.   However… Some of the best hotdogs I've had were in a gas station.  I used to get them when I was working on my Monday route.  They would be happily riding on those little rollers waiting for the buns in the warmer.  And the chilly was delish (probably from a can) fresh chopped onions, mustard… sigh.

There was a hotdog stand right next to it, but that convenience store had them beat.  Of course you had to be there at the right time of day.

 

I feel for those in problematic relationships.  My marriage broke up before I ever came out.  But I still miss her - probably every day.  I don't think I'll ever really be able to move on like I should.  She has moved on - new boyfriend etc.  We are on friendly terms, and she supports my transition.  But for me… I just don't know.  It's hard.

[LaurenA]

2 hours ago, Jandi said:

However… Some of the best hotdogs I've had were in a gas station.  I used to get them when I was working on my Monday route.  They would be happily riding on those little rollers waiting for the buns in the warmer.  And the chilly was delish (probably from a can) fresh chopped onions, mustard… sigh.

There was a hotdog stand right next to it, but that convenience store had them beat.  Of course you had to be there at the right time of day.

I've read that doing hotdogs in an air fryer gives them that "cooked on rollers" taste  I don't own one so I can't give you a first hand opinion.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, LaurenA said:

I've read that doing hotdogs in an air fryer gives them that "cooked on rollers" taste  I don't own one so I can't give you a first hand opinion.

 

Interesting, I hadn't heard that. Maybe not hot dogs, but I've got some stadium kielbasa I could try. Today is also day three for the batch of chili I made, so maybe chili kielbasa for dinner tonight.

 

Hugs!

[Kiara]

I take my coffee with an entire packet of hot chocolate and a little half & half, because I can't drink straight coffee with cream and sugar like a normal human.

 

It's a bit of a rough morning. The weather is crap which makes everything physically hurt more. I got the news late yesterday that my nightmare scenario has come true. My work has multiple locations and we move items between locations several times a week all across the county. Since the pandemic started I've been saying we need to suspend this service due to the risks involved even with all the precautions we take. Of course, I'm on the very bottom of the ladder so what I say doesn't matter. Yesterday I got the news that the one delivery guy tested positive for COVID-19. Four locations have staff that were potentially exposed. Of course it could explode (but likely won't) from there considering he likely had contact with other delivery staff and many of the staff at the main location where the boxes are processed. I do know of at least one staff member in a different department at the main location who is now in quarantine because he might have the virus. It may or may not be related (we're not allowed to know the details).

 

I also got my little bucks from the government. We paid a few bills and stashed the rest into savings. I'm not sure what the next month is going to look like considering how many people were likely exposed to the virus during the holidays. Also, now with the possible risks at work, I just don't know what is going to happen. If my work shuts down again we will likely be furloughed this time now that they made a shiny new furlough policy. I may still splurge and buy a binder for my own mental health.

 

For the ladies who have partners that are struggling with seeing you in skirts and dresses maybe share this article? 'Straight, happily married father' who's been wearing a skirt and high heels in public for four years says he wants to prove clothes have no gender Honestly I love stuff like this. Clothing should not be gendered to such an extent. My cis-male partner also loves wearing skirts and dresses, but doesn't due to the fact that it's hard to find any that fit him correctly. He does own a few kilts that he wears when it's warm enough. Another cis-male I work with was talking about wearing a skirt or dress to one of our work events just to prove that point. We are lucky enough to work somewhere this is allowed as long as the clothing items are within dress code (which is not gendered).

I know I have a bit easier since AFAB can get away with dressing masculine with minimal negative reactions. Still, I think anyone regardless of gender should be able to dress how they want. I want to be very clear that I am not calling any of you lovely ladies 'men in dresses or skirts'! I am merely trying to point out that clothing should just be clothing. It's a long standing thorn in my side going all the back many years to when my Aunt-in-Law complained about seeing an AMAB in a dress. She complained about how confusing it was like how was she supposed to know he was a guy? We were 3 women in a car (plus my husband) and were all literally wearing pants. I don't even think she owned a dress or skirt at that point. She is literally old enough to remember when women still mostly wore dresses and skirts. There was probably dress code restrictions at her first job that said she had to wear dress/skirt and heels. Now women can wear pants and no one is confused. Honestly, none of that should matter anyway. How that person identified or what they were wearing has nothing to do with her. They weren't hurting her at all.

My point is that you should be able to wear what makes you happy. I do hope that most people come around in the next few years now that things have changed a tiny bit. I want to things move forward again instead of back. I was so hopeful, but then the last 4 years happened and I felt myself creeping back into hiding. Of course it didn't work out well for me and here I am.

[KathyLauren]

7 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Drat!  A slipping drive belt on the auger!  So I'll have to see if I can adjust it in the cold.  Meanwhile, I have probably removed enough snow to drive the car down the driveway.  But I'll have to take a shovel down to the road to clear the rest of the snowplow drift.  And it will take my nose 48 hours to recover from the exhaust and burning rubber fumes.  Oh, and I still need to go up on a ladder with the roof rake to pull the snow off the skylight before it gets an ice dam and starts to leak.

 

I got the snowblower dismantled enough to remove the drive belts.  They do need to be replaced.   I also removed a large mouse nest from the transmission housing! ?

 

I shovelled the end of the driveway.  The car made it down the partly-cleared driveway, and I got the skylight cleared.  A productive day, but now I'm pooped!

[Audrey]

Thank you, @KathyLauren. I think our willingness to talk about our feelings openly is the very best thing going for us. Today we're taking a little time to process on our own after spending a lot of time together yesterday (going on a hike, then our intense conversation), but the energy feels positive. I should clarify though, we're not married, we consider ourselves partners ever since I come out. Girlfriend/boyfriend language didn't make very much sense much after that. Glad to hear your day clearing snow and ice was productive by the way!

 

Also thank you for sharing the article, @Kiara. And definitely wear what makes you happy, as you write! For me, as a binary trans woman, wearing women's clothing is just something I do because I'm a woman. It's that simple. People tend to fear what they don't understand, so from the outside looking in, men dressing in women's clothing often raises uncomfortable questions. Especially the questions about whether there's any sexual gratification or not and whether a person's been wearing someone else's clothes. If a partner's mind goes in that direction, which mine did at first, it takes time for that assumption to fade away when experience shows it's not true. Now, my partner understands why I do it, and there is no mystery anymore.

 

Hoping you and your wife had a positive conversation, Elizabeth!

 

Love,

~Audrey.