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KymmieL

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Sorry you still go through. You are so feminine looking. I have yet to be correctly gendered but each "sir" stings so deep and it hurts. So I know it must be so tough for someone as beautiful as you.

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That really stinks, @Elizabeth Star. I've yet to encounter anyone so hostile. Somedays I seem to pass through life as she/her no problem and other days I'm seen as a guy in a dress. Struggle to perceiver, damn the torpedo's and full speed ahead.   

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5 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

Good morning everyone,

 

It's taken me a few days to process the events of this week. I believe part of why I'm looking to meet new people is because they don't know me as anyone other than who I say I am and will never be able to misgender and dead name me. Some of the people around me right now (even those who I've only seen once or twice) claim it's just to hard to adjust to the changes. It's bs and I know it. My co-workers have done quite well adjusting and I've known some of them for almost 20 years. I'm the one who can't talk about my past without having to edit the details and yet there is so much I still can't say. So many "guy" stories sound so creepy if I was to tell them while referring to myself as female. So they don't get told. While at the same time other members of the trans community get it and I don't have to explain myself.

 

I found some transphobia yesterday. I needed to get salt for our water softener so I headed to Menards. I've been going there for years without incident but this time was different. Not needing anything else, I went straight to the cashier, told her what I needed (6, 40lb. bags of salt) and help getting it off the shelf and loading. She immediately started calling me sir. Can I get you anything else sir? Here's you receipt sir? have a nice day sir? I sat in my jeep for a good 10 minutes afterwards debating if I should go in and complain. Eventually I decided not to but I think I'm getting close to making a scene next time it happens. To be honest I probably will. If I was a cis woman I would have without thinking twice. If it gets down to it, I have ID to prove I am woman and my name is Elizabeth.

 

 

Yeah, it really is annoying. Nothing will change unless you force it to. Transphobia really sucks.

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6 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

Good morning everyone,

 

It's taken me a few days to process the events of this week. I believe part of why I'm looking to meet new people is because they don't know me as anyone other than who I say I am and will never be able to misgender and dead name me. Some of the people around me right now (even those who I've only seen once or twice) claim it's just to hard to adjust to the changes. It's bs and I know it. My co-workers have done quite well adjusting and I've known some of them for almost 20 years. I'm the one who can't talk about my past without having to edit the details and yet there is so much I still can't say. So many "guy" stories sound so creepy if I was to tell them while referring to myself as female. So they don't get told. While at the same time other members of the trans community get it and I don't have to explain myself.

 

I found some transphobia yesterday. I needed to get salt for our water softener so I headed to Menards. I've been going there for years without incident but this time was different. Not needing anything else, I went straight to the cashier, told her what I needed (6, 40lb. bags of salt) and help getting it off the shelf and loading. She immediately started calling me sir. Can I get you anything else sir? Here's you receipt sir? have a nice day sir? I sat in my jeep for a good 10 minutes afterwards debating if I should go in and complain. Eventually I decided not to but I think I'm getting close to making a scene next time it happens. To be honest I probably will. If I was a cis woman I would have without thinking twice. If it gets down to it, I have ID to prove I am woman and my name is Elizabeth.

 

 

It really is hard sometimes :(. Anyone who misgenders me I correct on the spot. No one has purposefully or spitefully continued to "sir" me at that point.  

I have to go to my dad for some help and I was discussing with my sisters. The local arch bishop in our area apparently wrote a letter that wasn't supportive of transgender people to say the least. My father, who is looking at his days nearing the end, has really delved back into his catholicism so I'm a bit worried about our next encounter. One of the things they are preaching is to purposefully not use prefered pronouns because it's a "lie" and "you shouldn't be supporting their self deception". I can see this doctrine may start to show itself more publicly as people purposely misgender us like you experienced.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.catholicnewsagency.com/amp/news/248727/christian-response-to-transgender-conflicts-needs-charity-and-clarity-arlington-diocese-says

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2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

The local arch bishop in our area apparently wrote a letter that wasn't supportive of transgender people to say the least. My father, who is looking at his days nearing the end, has really delved back into his catholicism so I'm a bit worried about our next encounter. One of the things they are preaching is to purposefully not use prefered pronouns because it's a "lie" and "you shouldn't be supporting their self deception".

 

All, of course, coming from the same organization that routinely harbors and protects pedophiles.

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I just watched an interview with Cindi Grace and she is a Bible scholar and internates transgenders are mentioned in the Bible. My interest is in her allowing growth with her spouse and survived. Good Stuff.

 

 

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I need to follow your example @Bri2020. I have witnessed cis women having meltdowns over being misgendered so why should any of us tolerate it? 

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3 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

I need to follow your example @Bri2020. I have witnessed cis women having meltdowns over being misgendered so why should any of us tolerate it? 

Amen, Sister.  I need to start doing that myself. Telling customers that I am female. My drivers license says so. So in the eyes of the Wyoming government I am female. That is what I will say if I ever get any flack for using the proper bathroom, The ladies. It says right on my license I am female. No I'm not going to disrobe and prove it. LOL.

 

I got she-ed by a customer. then 15 min later. one b-witch said, I like your nail color sir, I take it you have a daughter. I just said, Nope granddaughter. then when she left It was thank you, SIR. real abrupt, defiantly not a supportive person. 

 

Kymmie

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1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

I got she-ed by a customer. then 15 min later. one b-witch said, I like your nail color sir, I take it you have a daughter. I just said, Nope granddaughter. then when she left It was thank you, SIR. real abrupt, defiantly not a supportive person.

I never understood why people feel the need to add gendered salutations to every comment. Why would your customer, even if they really were unsure of your gender, add a gendered salutation unless they were trying to create conflict. In certain circles I understand it’s expected (i.e. Military, Police etc…) It would be nice if people didn’t feel the need to add them at all. What’s their point really? It’s insane in today’s diverse culture and presentations. 

 

Sorry, you had to endure that @KymmieL

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1 hour ago, Susan R said:

I never understood why people feel the need to add gendered salutations to every comment. Why would your customer, even if they really were unsure of your gender, add a gendered salutation unless they were trying to create conflict. In certain circles I understand it’s expected (i.e. Military, Police etc…) It would be nice if people didn’t feel the need to add them at all. What’s their point really? It’s insane in today’s diverse culture and presentations.

 

I am just paranoid enough to believe that the person is not "unsure" of your gender.  They add the unnecessary gendered salutations to emphasize that they know you are trans and they want you to know that they disrespect you.

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2 hours ago, Susan R said:

It would be nice if people didn’t feel the need to add them at all. What’s their point really? It’s insane in today’s diverse culture and presentations. 

Yeah.   I don't gender people when I talk to them, like why?

 

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

They add the unnecessary gendered salutations to emphasize that they know you are trans and they want you to know that they disrespect you.

This is what it seems like.

Sometimes it's not malicious, but there are those time when you can tell it is.

That's when it's hard not to reciprocate the nastiness.

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6 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

I have witnessed cis women having meltdowns over being misgendered so why should any of us tolerate it?

How about because its a smarter and safer thing to do? I can hardly imagine a situation where making a scene would put you at any kind of advantage, and it can instead bring a bucket-full of disadvantages.

Unfortunately, the "loud" responses seem to be propagated more and more in the community as of late. I can understand activism and use of proper channels to share the information and ideas, and to promote the acceptance, but doing it in heated circumstances very likely to cause just the opposite reaction.

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3 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Amen, Sister.  I need to start doing that myself. Telling customers that I am female. My drivers license says so. So in the eyes of the Wyoming government I am female. That is what I will say if I ever get any flack for using the proper bathroom, The ladies. It says right on my license I am female. No I'm not going to disrobe and prove it. LOL.

 

I got she-ed by a customer. then 15 min later. one b-witch said, I like your nail color sir, I take it you have a daughter. I just said, Nope granddaughter. then when she left It was thank you, SIR. real abrupt, defiantly not a supportive person. 

 

Kymmie

I'm sorry to hear this happens to you too. And I do agree with your take on having ID to prove yourself if needed.

 

You would think people have better things to do then scrutinize other people's appearance but I would like to know what they see. I'm thinking I pass pretty well when I'm wearing a mask but there's something that tells on me. Maybe it was my clothing that day. It was disgustingly hot and humid, I had already sweat through two bras so I bra-less in a cami and jeans.

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Hi everyone,

 

I have not been around much. I am currently on TDY to Alaska and have been very busy, but I have been reading this topic lately. I just can not understand why some people just choose to hurt others. Why choose to be mean when it costs you nothing to be nice? If my calling you Ma'am makes you feel better then I am all for it. If each day I can make just one persons day a little brighter then what an incredible gift my life has been

 

I saw the following on Facebook recently and I really want to share this with as many people as I can.  Share your light.

 

 

 

share your light.jpg

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When it comes to being misgendered, I take the education route most times. I simply correct them politely. I make the assumption it's just a simple mistake (like calling a fatter person pregnant by accident). I typically just say "it's actually "miss". thank you.  That typically produces an apologetic response.  I haven't really had to experience the obnoxious/ intentionally insulting misgendering but once.  Most misgendering in my world is phone based. Between living in a VERY woke area and my body/face finally getting more femme I think most people "see" me as either female or obviously transgender female and around her, people treat us with mostly respect.

I won't as @ValerieRunpoints out, get loud and in "activist" mode. Partly for safety reasons but also, it just won't do any good.  If someone purposefully misgenders/emotionally attacks us, you aren't going to change their perspective by getting in their face about it so what's the point.

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So a thing happened yesterday.  I hired a new receptionist who I interviewed just before my BA last week and she was in training yesterday.  I stopped by to check in on everything since I hadn't ben to the office since my surgery.  All three of got to talking and my receptionist who was doing the training asked me what's next (in my journey). I told her I needed to start flying out to Chicago for my bottom electrolysis to which she cringed (normal reaction right?). The new person (a mid 20s female college student) was being quiet and reserved but then looked at us in a questioning way.  So I just clarified that "before they can take my existing "external parts" and make them into "internal parts" they had to be hair free. No one wants hair in their "V" lol. "  She still seemed a little unsure about what we were talking about so I clarified again with " #Transproblems". Her eyes got wide and she said- "really? I had no idea".   

I think I floated home!  I interviewed her for an hour and she didn't realize I was transgender, MAYBE, I'm starting to pass better than I thought!   Woo Hoo! 

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11 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

 They add the unnecessary gendered salutations to emphasize that they know you are trans and they want you to know that they disrespect you.

 

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

 If someone purposefully misgenders/emotionally attacks us, you aren't going to change their perspective by getting in their face about it so what's the point.

Yeah, I totally agree. with both.  I just let it flow under the bridge, and went on with my day.

 

Kymmie

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That is a wonderful story Bri.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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12 hours ago, ValerieRun said:

How about because its a smarter and safer thing to do? I can hardly imagine a situation where making a scene would put you at any kind of advantage, and it can instead bring a bucket-full of disadvantages.

This is a good point.  I'm not a confrontational person to start with, and I see no advantage to starting a fight when it's not necessary.

 

3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

I think I floated home!  I interviewed her for an hour and she didn't realize I was transgender, MAYBE, I'm starting to pass better than I thought! 

Wow.  You must be doing something right!

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3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

No one wants hair in their "V" lol. "  She still seemed a little unsure about what we were talking about so I clarified again with " #Transproblems". Her eyes got wide and she said- "really? I had no idea".   

I think I floated home!  I interviewed her for an hour and she didn't realize I was transgender, MAYBE, I'm starting to pass better than I thought!   Woo Hoo! 

I love the way you put it. I can't wait to get such a positive experience. That's awesome!

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I took a walk with my 20 yr old grandson last night. We sat down in a secluded spot and had a long conversation where he asked me a ton of questions and also told me about his life and struggles. He is a very deep thinker like his dad and grandma. Since I came out he hadn't talked to me much. I thought he was disturbed about me. He understands me more now and accepts me.

I am thrilled.

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Things with my family getting better,did come to terms I am going to be much happier as a woman.In May,I came out I am a woman from the inside and knew I was like this about the age 12 holding it in.2 months into the transition on the estrogen and male hormone blockers and been noticing the changes very well into it including my wife whom has been supportive.One is my skin getting softer.Parents knew something wasn't right away with me as a child and know what it is  knowing I will be much happier as a woman.I did decide not to have the GRS already.

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I love when that happens Bri! It doesn't happen OFTEN enough... but then again, it shouldn't. 

Also... you have to fly to Chicago for electrolysis? Your regular person can't do it? Yikes!

 

My personal response to being misgengered is the look. I learned a lot of non-verbal language working in IT. The look clearly communicates, "Really? What part of all this is saying man to you? Now don't you feel silly?"

 

Ugh, pardon any horrid typing. I'm roughing  it in PA and the app gets weird if I use partial quotes or links.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I love when that happens Bri! It doesn't happen OFTEN enough... but then again, it shouldn't. 

Also... you have to fly to Chicago for electrolysis? Your regular person can't do it? Yikes!

 

My personal response to being misgendered is the look. I learned a lot of non-verbal language working in IT. The look clearly communicates, "Really? What part of all this is saying man to you? Now don't you feel silly?"

 

Ugh, pardon any horrid typing. I'm roughing  it in PA and the app gets weird if I use partial quotes or links.

 

Hugs!

My local person will only do 1 hr sessions using topical numbing. Chicago will sedate me, then use lidocaine injections and nerve blocks then crank up the amperage for 6 hours to be more effective at killing follicles first time around.  Very few places in the country that do that.  I have a kid in Chicago so it makes it less inconvenient 

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