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Jordyn

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Do people generally come out before or after they've started their transition? I'm still questioning my gender but I think one of the main things is coming out.

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Hi Jordyn,  I doubt there's any standard procedure regarding when it's appropriate to come out.  Everyone is different and each person has their own set of specific variables to work out. (e.g;  will it affect work, will I have to move, etc...) I'm new to transitioning and have come out to only two family members so far mainly because I'm not dressing full time.  I have decided to wait until I feel it's important to me to share my decision with others.

 

Susan R?

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Other than my wife I have only came out to my counselors. I am at the point if nobody askes I'm not telling. While I am letting my hair and nails grow. Yet no one has said or asked about them. Maybe I'll start coming out more once I start HRT and my body starts changing.

 

Kymmie

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Hey Kymmie,   Wow, this is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm letting my hair grow except a little trimming to keep it even (started that a month ago) and my nails are long, shaped, and groomed really well (no polish though).  This is the only 24/7 feminine expression I present right now.  One of my daughters and son-in-law have noticed but said nothing to me directly about it.  If they ask me,  I'll simply tell them I enjoy having my nails this way.  It has to be enough for me now as I'm not quite ready to come out completely to them unless I'm backed into a corner..  I'll let the chips fall where they may.

 

Susan R?

 

 

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Hi, Jordyn.  I agree with Susan R, there is a different answer for virtually everyone,because everyone's situation is a little different.  That is especially true when it comes to family, job situations, and age.  For example, if a young person asks me that question, I usually advise coming out only if they have the ability to make legal or medical  decisions for themselves and are not completely financially independent from their parents, unless they are  certain of good support.  Adults often put off coming out to avoid hurting spouses or other family, or because of job situations.

 

In my case I delayed coming out to my wife until I had been in therapy for several months, and really knew for certain that transition is what I needed and wanted to do.  There are so many factors, there really is no one good answer for everyone..

 

Carolyn Marie

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Hi Jordyn,

 

I have come out to my brother and several of my friends, without having changed my appearance.  I found that actually telling other people about my situation lifted a great burden from me. 

 

Nobody was negative, and none of them treat me any differently as a result.  This has given me much more confidence to be myself, and not feel as though I have to put on an act, in order to fit into society.

 

Obviously, I have been very fortunate, and not everyone is as accepting of things that they don't understand.  It is a good idea to be selective about who to tell first, so you are sure to have a group of supportive people around you when you need them.

 

Robin.

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Hi Jordyn,

It not only varies with each of us, it also varies with the people we come out to. When I came out to my siblings I was past the gender questioning stage and just couldn't keep living a double life with them. But employer, landlord, and others I have not come out to because it would likely cause me trouble. More distant family members are mixed. Some know and some don't. 

 

The point is, you are the one who usually knows best when it's time to come out to each person. Early on in particular you may want to ask yourself if there is a reason a specific person needs to know. If not, you have more leeway and don't have to tell them right then. When you do, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I hope it's the best!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/10/2018 at 2:09 AM, Jordyn said:

Do people generally come out before or after they've started their transition? I'm still questioning my gender but I think one of the main things is coming out.

 

Hi Jordyn,

Everyone has already answered you far better than I but as another new member I thought I might add my 2 cents.   I have now told my two older sisters that I am questioning.

 

The eldest almost 2 weeks ago (earlier than I intended but she knew I wanted to talk about something) she immediately told me that nothing would change between us but that I was so brave for telling her, and then again last night, this sister said she thought I was amazing and although she has little knowledge about the LGBTQ community she will support me as much as she can - I chose them because out of all my family I have always been close to them and suspected they would respond positively but also be honest enough to tell me if I was being stupid or having a breakdown (genuine personal fears because of my age).  Both have been incredibly supportive and as Robin stated it has lifted a huge burden off my mind - I have no plans to tell anyone else until I can confirm whether or not I accept that I am trans (my current direction). I came back from the visit with a bag of clothes to help start me off with my female wardrobe and both sisters have said that they feel closer to me as siblings because there are now a whole range of activities that they can include me in that I would previously have been excluded from because I was the "brother" if I choose not to transition or decide I just like to express my feminine side sometimes then I know there will be no recriminations.  I am so incredibly fortunate to have them, as know I will need to lean on them when some of the other people in my life react negatively, but you will know if you need that support for yourself and even if you have no one close to you physically you can lean on, so far everyone here has been incredibly supportive from what I've seen. xxxx

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