Not exactly a coming out story...

[Josie Beth]

When I was a child I vaguely remember expressing to my mother that I wished I was a girl because she always wanted one and she was touched by what she viewed as an innocent wish of a child wanting to make their mother happy. But it was not the end of those feelings. I was born into a very conservative family so it became a constant reminder that the effeminate would go to hell. I wasn’t as concerned about that as much as how I was treated by some of the other kids in church. I often played more with the girls than the boys. This earned me ridicule early on and later in junior high I was bullied for being gay. Sometimes this carried over to church from the same group of people. So it became a living hell alone just from that. My parents ignored that for the most part until they found drawings I made of a picture I saw in a history book of hermaphrodite sculptures. Then they joined in on the ridicule and punishment. I received a severe beating and a barrage of bible quotes to convince me to change or the repercussions would be even more severe. This forced me to hide my feelings and stuff them deep down so I wouldn’t suffer any more consequences. Eventually my father realized I was not going to cooperate with his wishes and I was shipped off to bible school so I could be saved by osmosis I guess. And I stayed there simply so I could be away from my father who I really could not get along with. I finally found a way to escape this college by joining the army and spent 10 years there. Through that experience I married and got divorced. I was well aware of my feelings about gender still but they remained suppressed for years. Eventually through a lot of misfortune I made my way to Detroit to get away from my family who once again became verbally abusive because I had the sense to get out of a failing marriage and had withdrawn their support. So I went to turn over a new leaf and try something new. I had a girlfriend for a while but it didn’t last either. She also didn’t understand my feelings and called me gay. So once I parted ways with her I began some real soul searching and decided after a lot of reading that HRT was for me. I began like many with herbal estrogen and other supplements. But because of health concerns I found a way to get the real hormones without any doctor or therapist. For a year I dosed myself until I lost my job and could not afford it any longer. I had no support system and some people could guess what I was endeavoring but I had no idea who i could turn to. Advocacy was not as prominent then. So I reluctantly went back to presenting as male because I thought I could never get a job otherwise. So now 15 years later and I have come to the same crossroads as before. I know what I need to do to be myself completely. However coming out to my family is not exactly going to be well received as they have already demonstrated. So I’m probably going to send a letter when I’m ready instead of confronting them. There’s a lot of unresolved issues there that my father especially is in denial about and I seriously think his selective memory is a cop out. I have no friends so that leaves coworkers and employers. Is there a right or wrong time to make my transition known? I still present as male for now and probably will until changes become more noticeable. I’m not even sure I can begin HRT where I am now so it may be a while until then. For now I’m focused on building a support system and finding new friends who won’t judge. Since I have already been prejudged by family it’s not really a matter of coming out but more a case of telling my side of things so they can’t try to change my mind because it won’t work anyway. I just don’t want to hear the pointless arguments as to why they should have any say in the matter.

[tracy_j]

Hi Josie, Welcome!

 

It's good that you have got here. Your story is familiar with many, although everyone's is different.You are doing well to find friends who will be supportive. I would never lose touch with your family, but it does look like you would not find support there. The best idea is to build up your stable existance , and get to see a gender therapist. Taking hormones without a doctors support is very dangerous as you would not be getting the checks to veriufy they are not adversly affecting your underlying health. Build your life with the aim of getting where you wish to be!

 

Tracy

[Josie Beth]

That’s one of my major concerns, long term health, both mentally and physically. I don’t want to hurt myself just because I have these feelings but I know if I don’t get the help I need then chances are I will try to self prescribe just to feel normal again. I’m glad that this forum is here to vent and let some of these things out. In this city I’ve already heard about the local endocrinologists and therapists not being as trans friendly and that concerns me as well. One trans woman I talked to told me they had to go to Kansas just to find a therapist that would not try to pray the gay away so to speak. And the endo flat out refused to provide service for mtf HRT. So I’m looking at travel either way I decide to go whether it’s for the doctors I need or to move somewhere more convenient for my needs. So being able to talk about it here is a huge help. I don’t like the idea of being distant from my mother or sister and my nephews and nieces but I may not have any say in the matter because the initial reaction I expect is going to be rejection and shunning. This will mostly come from my father and sister in law. Both are very judgmental and have been confrontational with me in the past. Unfortunately my brother often lets his wife set policies when she gets uncomfortable about something benign that she blames me for. This drives a wedge between my brother and I at times and often I’m left in the dark about what is the issue but I have to accept the punishment with no explanation. Usually it’s an unfounded fear of hers I discover years later. We have never been on the same wavelength. The only person I know won’t reject me outright is my sister. We don’t talk much because she is a busy mom of 3 but of all my siblings she is the most dear to me. She and her family are moving further away soon so I won’t get to see her again til who knows when. My mother will probably cry and I think she always has known but I think eventually she will be able to accept it. But initially I know I will be disowned by most of the family.  If not then they too will probably try to pray the gay away. Or whiteness to me and then reject me when I don’t acknowledge I need Jesus. It’s just weird to me that they seem to think that a Jesus bandaid will fix things. It’s not the underlying issues at all, I just need to be saved according to them. So yes I have a bit of an issue with religion. And I know that this can be a hot button topic for some people but my experience with it has been negative so it’s hard for me to feel comfortable around religious people, especially if they just have to try forcing their opinions on me. If anyone here believes, I am not trying to be abrasive toward them, that’s fine if they find comfort in their belief. I just don’t share those beliefs. Here I go again being all wordy.