Coming out as an adult

[Jennaroxie]

Hello all! Recently I've been grappling with more permanent changes, but I'm still closeted to the world in general. I've been trying to figure out how to tell my somewhat conservative parents about this aspect of myself. 

 

I'm 32 years old, engaged and my fiancee is fully supportive of my transition, however I end up choosing to do it. We live with her mother, who knows, and her step- father, who doesn't. So telling my family won't effect my home life. 

 

My family, immediate and extended, are pretty close (think between 20 and 30 people at Thanksgiving dinner). The holidays is what I foresee being the most difficult, because odds are that at least a few of my family won't accept it, and I don't want to ruin the holiday gatherings we have. 

 

As far as my somewhat conservative parents- yes they are religious, yes they are conservative, but they are not ridiculous or judgmental. For instance, they support gay marriage (or at least didn't oppose it). Their point of view is generally if they don't like someone's lifestyle/ way of life or however it gets defined, that doesn't mean they should be treated differently. Gay, straight,  whatever they'll still treat them with respect. I fear that may be different with their child though- they may end up feeling like a failure. I don't want to disappoint them, but at the same time I can't handle this closer much longer. 

 

Considering all of this, any advice on where to start the conversation, what questions should I be ready for, and are there any educational resources I could point them towards (books, studies, informative websites)? 

 

Thank you!

[Charlize]

   I felt much as you describe before transition.  My biggest fear was my wife and son but with time and tears we have regained and even surpassed our previous relationship.  The thing that helped me the most was time with a gender therapist.  She was able to help me understand the need to live my life instead of my worry about the reactions of others.  She was also there to help explain to others that my feelings were not a fetish, phase or some kind of perversion bur were intact simply who i am and who has been hidden for such a long time.  

   Take a look at the coming out forum.  Many here have gone through the same feelings you now have.  Some have transitioned and some have not.  But you will quickly see that you are not alone with the exception that you do have the support of a loved one already.

    At some point here someone simply said "we've got your back".  I can't say how but that kept echoing.  Please do find a therapist as well.  It does help.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Jennaroxie]

Charlize, thank you. I've actually been seeing a gender therapist for about a year now, and she's been a wonderful help, and helped me get to the point of even considering telling my family. The therapist is great advice. 

[Jani]

My therapist stressed that I needed to speak with my wife as soon as I started meeting with her.  It was a matter of trust.  As your fiancee is aware and supportive, that is covered.  For my wife I wrote a letter and waited in another room for her to read and absorb it.  It allowed for a good discussion afterwards.  Lots of uncertainty but lots of love too.  I visited my parents and just sat down and told them.  It was the same with them; uncertainty at first but they were supportive.  My mother has been wonderful as she came to understand better.  My dad was a bit harder as I was an only son.  So you might try a letter or just meet and blurt it out.  All my best. 

Jani