Confused about everything but that

[Pidge]

Hi all, I'm Charlie and I'm non-binary, as far as I can tell. I'm still in the beginning of figuring out my gender identity, but the one thing I know is that I'm certainly not the cis woman I always lived as until recently. I am not uncomfortable with the idea of presenting as a woman, in fact some days I love it. But there are other days when putting a dress on and going out makes me want to tear my skin off. On those days I looked like my brother, I wish my chest was flat and my shoulders were broader.

At the moment, my chest is uncomfortably large. I am a DD or even E depending on the store. I find it incredibly difficult to flatten my chest even a little, and lately I've just given up and worn sports bras almost exclusively. They don't flatten me like a binder does, but there is so much to compress that a binder feels like being suffocated. Not to mention I live in a city where it can get up to 115 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer.

I've been thinking about getting top surgery for a few months, and just scheduled a consultation with a surgeon in my city. I am beyond excited, but also a little nervous. I suppose the thing that makes me so nervous is that I'm still uncertain about a lot of things. I don't know quite what I am, but one thing I do know is how much I hate having breasts, large or not. The very concept of having any size breast on my body makes me uncomfortable to say the least. 

I'm realizing post isn't really a question so much as a big compilation of anxieties. 

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar? And also, what can you do in the meantime? The soonest consultation I could get is in October, so I don't expect to have surgery until well into next year. What can I do to make the waiting less miserable? It feels like now that I know what it is I hate so much, living with it is even more difficult.

[Charlize]

 As a trans woman i have always wanted breasts.  That being said my wife and other cis women i know complain about them and have issues.  Some have had reductions or removals.

 I know that certain parts of my body have disturbed me since childhood.  While this feeling is different in many ways it is similar in others.

 I remember how slowly the time seemed to pass between wanting and then getting surgery.  In my case i also had a setback due to a heart condition.

 Please try to take a deep breath....remember to exhale.  Time will pass and today is beautiful as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[LotsOQs026]

Hi Charlie,

Wearing a binder in 115 degree weather can be pretty uncomfortable.  I, too, live in a hot climate and bind.  I find that during the summer my dysphoria is heightened because I’m unable to live comfortably in my clothes OR skin. It compounds.  I identify as nonbinary and would like top surgery so I feel as though I can relate on some level as to what you’re going through.  My breasts can’t hidden;  It’s difficult to try to hide something that simply can’t be hidden so it causes me frustration and sadness.  I daydream about what it would be like to have a flat chest but also I’m a bit overweight so the vain side of me doesn’t want to be flat chested with a belly...at least with breasts my belly is proportionate.  I’m also very “hippy” so even if I took large amounts of T my body would be overtly feminine.  The reality is that my body is a woman and my mind is neutral.  The journey I’m on is a daily struggle and most of the time I take it thought by thought and attempt to slow it down.  I have found that helps not just with my mental health but the dysphoria.

 

I’ve also found that being able to talk to people who are close to me helps.  I have have a couple colleagues, a single friend, and a wife that I trust impeccably to be able to process these things with.  I also, unapologetically, go to therapy to talk about the things that I can’t with anyone else.  There are simply some things I can’t and won’t be vulnerable about outside of that room.  If it’s not therapy, things like meditation, prayer, or other ways of slowing down and being mindful typically help.  Charlize had it right, take a deep breath and exhale metaphorically and literally!

 

I hope my words have landed with the intent of peace and kindness in which I have extended them.  It’s hard to offer advice to someone I don’t know and I’m not someone who typically offers advice...!    

[Pidge]

Thanks to both of you for the advice! I’m terrible at checking in online but it means a lot to hear those words. I’m trying to take them into consideration and just slow down a little. I tend to live anxiously and at a fast pace, but you’re right, it’s a lot better when you slow down and breath. This past week alone has had a lot of changes and realizations in it and sometimes that overwhelms me. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my home, I need to work on slowing down and just existing. It’s exciting to think about what life might have in store for me one day, but it’s also exhausting. Thanks again for the great advice, it’s really nice to hear from people that have felt similar feelings.