The 'right' To Come Out

[Guest Kristian]

I know that fear and concern is something that everyone goes through, so I thought that people on this board might have suggestions to offer. (I apologize up front for length, ugh...)

As those who have talked to me know, I had initially planned to never come out. Ever. I was just going to 'wait this out', so to speak. Of course, I'm still waiting. I guess I'm just not sure that I'll ever be able to deal with the consequences of how it'll affect the relationships with those around me. Unlike a lot of people I've met, I can't use the "I'm still the same person"-argument because... I'm really not in a lot of ways. So that they wouldn't get suspicious, I created an entirely separate, quite 'perfect' persona for them to fall in love with. Whenever they worried I was drifting in one way or another, they'd hyper-attach, and I couldn't let that happen. The closer they were, the more likely they'd discover other things.

It's not that I don't like being with them. I can enjoy the fact that they're happy, and that makes me happy. We have fun, and I like it when things go well. It's just that... I can't be /content/. Happiness is an emotion; contentment is a state of being, you know? I know that I'm lying, and I know that, if they really knew me, they might not feel the same way as they do now... and that always leaves a bad taste in the mouth once the sweetness is gone.

I guess what I wonder is... Do I even have a right to ever come out?

I know that sounds odd, but... because I've sort of... dug myself in so far (I didn't even realize it at the time. I've always been a bit of a social chameleon, and I have been an actor, so I tend to just... give the people what they want and expect by compulsion), that I wonder if it's fair to suddenly, for all intensive purposes, kill this person? I mean... they will be shocked. There were absolutely no clues. It just seems so unfair to them. Also, knowing their personalities, it might negatively affect not only their emotional states but their health. When my mom found my depression pills, she freaked out. It affected her sleep; she was worrying all the time. They blamed themselves. They will again. In the end, I had to convince them it was all over just to get them to back off and be alright again. My grandma started getting especially ill when my aunt left my uncle (her son). They're extremely conservative Republicans and religious, so they worry a lot about the ones they love going to hell or not having perfect lives, which makes sense, really. It's just that the definitions of perfect are all through their own lenses, and for me, that's a problem. I can't blame them, though. It's how they were raised.

I ask myself: if I do something that I /know/ will hurt them, isn't it kind of like I'm causing it? Someone once said to me, 'But they're hurting you, too...' but they don't /know/ it. That's the difference. I mean, I know I didn't choose /this/, but... it would be my choice to tell them. I don't think I could deal with my family dying and hating me. I especially don't think I could deal with knowing that I contributed to it. I don't think I could deal with how this might affect the community around them, either. I don't want them to feel embarrassed or ostracized on my account: the one with the 'freak' kid who showed so much promise. "What happened to /her/?" I did well in school, so even now, my parents get asked about me a lot.

I'm adopted, as well... which has always made me feel especially indebted, so to speak, to my parents. I feel responsible to them. You know, where the parent takes care of the kid and then one day, the kid takes care of the parent? They are /extremely/ good to me. I never went hungry a day in my life. They want to fly me home from university to be there for my birthday. They're just good people, and they love me so much. I don't know if I could deal with that suddenly being gone or them suddenly not being proud. I've never been able to deal with the thought of them being disappointed, which is part of why I always just fell right back in line whenever they saw me stepping out. I don't want it to be like I'm using them... like all this love and time and money has gone to waste... like a bad investment or something. Plus, I'd just plain old miss them. I don't even see my relatives anymore who have somehow behaved in a way that is not in line with my family's morality. They don't want to support it by being around. I didn't even know my elder cousin had a 5 year old kid until this year. My parents kept him secret because he was out of wedlock. We didn't go see my godmother's new house because she was living with her boyfriend. If they're worried about me burning in hell, they certainly won't want to support me, either, and... to live a life completely without them... I don't know if I could.

My birth mother also recently tried to contact me. She was overwhelmed with guilt at giving me up and wanted to make sure I was raised right. She was the one who requested the Catholic family. She even sent a rosary. I'll have to write back eventually, or she'll think I hate her, but... is it fair to make her feel even more guilty to know that I didn't (by her definition) turn out well? At the same time, to write a letter that lies... what if I do end up caving and come out? What a massive disappointment for her... I don't know if I want to start this same cycle again.

For all these reasons, I hoped to maintain the status quo forever. I was going to focus on work and just not have a personal life, but eventually, stuff started to creep up on me. It got to the point where I had to leave university for a while for treatments and the like. I'm fortunately functional again, but I don't know how I can keep things going as they are. I seriously don't know if I'm strong enough to sustain another 60 years or something. It's embarrassing to admit. I mean... people say life is short, but no... it's long. I guess I just am not sure which way to go. On the one hand, I don't know if things can stay the same, but on the other… it seems so irresponsible to just give up. Even now, I'm paranoid with anything I do or with anyone who knows... that it'll somehow get back to them.

So yes: What did you guys do to overcome these kinds of fears/concerns? Is it possible for a person to just survive in secret forever, or will it come back to bite him/her in the butt later? Even if it does cycle back around, could telling them and not being able to deal with all of that guilt at the consequences be worse? I'm not talking about coming out now. That's just not feasible, but I mean... do I have the right to /ever/? Any opinions are appreciated, and I'm sorry if this post seems self-indulgent with all of these personal matters, but... I wanted to make it clear: I'm not saying that nobody should ever come out or something ridiculous like that. I'm just asking about this case... with all of the problems I've made for myself. Thanks.

[Guest Pól_Eire]

First of all, no need to apologize about the length of your post. Yes, it's a long post, but given how important this is to you and how much your thinking about it, I think you're completely entitled to post however long you feel is necessary to get your point(s) across.

I completely understand your desire to keep things the same, and if I had the kind of relationship with my parents it sounds like you have, I would absolutely not want to hurt them. So I can see where you're coming from, no question.

It's basically going to come down to which thing you value more: being true to yourself or the 'well-ness'/status quo of your family. Right now, you may value the status quo more, but that may change with time, so I think it's important that you're open to that change.

Whether you can keep something like that to yourself is different for every person. I'll tell you about my own experience, but everyone is different. I found that I couldn't do it. I was completely lousy at trying to be a girl, and it made me miserable and increasingly self-destructive. My family was already kind of dysfunctional anyway, but I'm not going to pull any punches -- my coming out was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It was not easy for me to come out to them, nor was it easy to deal with their reaction, and it hasn't been easy since then. I've been blessed with understanding, loving, and supportive grandparents, and I thank God for them every day (no offense intended to any atheists, agnostics, etc.). But for myself, I'm much happier, much more emotionally stable, and much more integrated socially. I no longer feel completely disconnected from the world. In the end, for me, I found that my own mental health was more important to me than the comfort of my family members. One thing to remember is that you can't have a family if you're dead, but even if they throw you out, you can find a way to make a new family.

About dealing with trying to ignore it -- I'm still doing that. It's not easy.

Do you have the right to come out? Yeh, I think you do. I think you have the right to be yourself, always. Whether you choose to exercise that right is a different question, one that only you can answer. Your parents might surprise you, or you might be right about your prediction as to how they'd react. You're still their child, and you could still care for them in your own gender. Whether you do would be more up to them than up to you, it sounds like. You can't really 'wait' this out though -- they're kind of right when they say "you only live once." I think you have to live for yourself before you live for anyone else, but I'm kind of selfish like that I suppose.

I don't think you've "made" any problems for yourself, really. You're trying to do what's right. If that includes acting, that's explainable, should you choose to come out.

I don't have an easy answer for you. I think if I were you I might try some floaters first to see what your parents think about gay people and trans people in general, and then go from there.

Whatever you do, please stay safe. Good luck to you,

Pól

[Guest nova]

Do you have a gender specialist to guide and support you with this issue? Disclosure can be the most significant mental health and social support issue faced by trans people. Obviously coming out and disclosing one's needs comes with consequences. Being in crisis and delaying disclosure create deep feelings of isolation. Don't be pushed or forced into disclosure. Choosing to disclose without being fully prepared can have devastating consequences.

I was working with my therapist on telling my family about my transition (they knew I was--what they considered--queer already) but a family member cornered me and forced me to disclose everything when I wasn't prepared emotionally, and we both overreacted, and made the alienation worse and the rejection probably permanent. A gender specialist can help you with disclosure skills

You know you will always find support here.