Amber Coming Out

[AmberM]

It’s been a couple of months since I last posted in this thread, so I thought it was time to log an update of where I am at, if for nobody else, but myself.

 

Therapy has gotten pretty deep over the last couple of months and really does keep the needle pointing that, yes, I am transgender. There has been some growth in the acceptance department, because it hasn’t been easy to fully accept what it means. I have began going to a local virtual support meeting for trans and non-binary individuals. It has been kind of nice to hear other’s stories, and get advice on things like what coming out was like. I feel like that is the next big hurdle to cross, coming out to friends and family. I am really concerned on the close family because I have attached value to their opinion, which may be fleeting. That is where my therapist and I have come up with a plan I think that will work, in which I will email each family member, individually, and offer a chance to talk about it if they want, when they are ready. I think I am going to share the letter with my therapist as a second set of eyes on it to see if it makes sense in a lot of the wording that I put into it. I think I also posted it here as well.

 

On the medical front, I think it is time to find a new doctor, because the more I think about seeing my current doctor about possibly starting HRT, the more fear and anxiety I get. The relationship with the healthcare provider shouldn’t be this way, and I have a friend who suggested a doctor who specializes in LGBTQ+ health care, and he is at the same office that I currently go to. I keep thinking that it might be a good idea to start HRT soon, but there is also a fear of what is my annual major depression spell kicking in. If that kicks in as I start HRT, I don’t know what could happen.

 

Other than that, I am starting to express myself more on a daily basis since working from home, and have even made a few trips out in a more androgynous look than a straight up masculine look. I have had some not great interactions with people, but I am learning to not take it personally, that it is just someone that isn’t comfortable, and that isn’t on me, it is on them.

[AmberM]

So, I made the decision today that I am going to go to a LGBTQ+ specialty clinic as my PCP. My current doctor just doesn’t feel supportive the more I reflect on her reaction when I came out, and I feel like I would be educating her along the process, which doesn’t seem to be the correct way things should go. So, I submitted an online form, and actually put Amber as the preferred contact name, which I think is huge for me. Actually, coming out and saying that yes, I am looking for trans health as well on the form. I won’t hear back until probably Wednesday or Thursday next week, but still I feel like I have made huge movement.

 

The idea of starting Hormones actually kind of excites me now, after reading some materials from the provider’s website about Hormone Replace Therapy, how it is done safely, and also what to expect when you start and are on them. I think the time is now, just like the idea of coming out in a few weeks to family. I don’t want to live in the closet, because the closet is probably going to kill me. I have support from a close friend, and my wife is mostly on board. She has her own reservations, which I am giving her space to have them.

 

I am not looking forward to a vacation coming up in some ways because I have to put Amber back into the closet. I haven’t come out to my family yet, and one them I don’t plan on it because of her dementia. It will be nice to see the family in all, just will be kind of painful to put Amber back in the closet after letting her out for so many months now.

[Ivy]

Yeah family things are hard.   You want to be accepted for who you are, but you love the people and don't want to lose them.  I'm trying to deal with a daughter's wedding now, and how much I should compromise to participate.

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi Amber,

I'm excited for you that you made the appointment and happy your wife is being supportive.  My PCP didn't  know I was trans until 4 months after I had started HRT when my wife called him up, crying, looking for advice.

 

When I made my first appointment, I had to call it in, I was asked if had a preferred name. So many names, that I had been thinking of, flashed through my mind and it was Elizabeth that escaped my mouth.

 

I had my closet. I almost deleted myself in it, then sold it. After that I had choice but to start living life as myself in IRL.

 

When I told my family. I left a not on the counter for wife to find (it was all the strength I had). My brother, I went visit and drank half a bottle of rum before I could talk. He was supportive, his wife...scary excited about it. My mother? I did MY band-aid method. called her up and just said it.  There is no one size fits all for coming out.

 

 

[Heather Shay]

@QuestioningAmber I highly recommend Equitas Health Care in Columbus. They specialize in LGBTQ care. That is who I went to when I questioned a therapist. I interviewed with a Nurse Practitioner via Zoom and she was thorough and she asked and received access to my medical records, had?a few more baseline items needed and I had a blood test to get them and I started HRT and have my first follow up 3 months in coming beginning of October. She asked about therapist and at the time didn't have one but it sounds like you have a good one. She also set me up with OSU for voice feminization training. I highly recommend them and everyone there is great to work with and my insurance covers it. I have had several questions and my NP responses quickly. Good luck and I really enjoy you on the forum and knowing you are only an hour down the road from me living in Mount Vernon Ohio.

[AmberM]

 

It has been a while since I wrote down my progress, so I thought now wouldn’t be a bad time to talk about it. I am on my 5th month of hormones, and things are going at a snail’s pace in regards to physical changes. I know this is pretty normal, I was just hoping in ways that I would be one of the lucky ones that would have more progress now, but alas, I am not.

 

I will say I have noticed that I am more sensitive to my negative emotions at least, so when I get down, I get really down. I guess when I get in a good mood, that also seems to be slightly higher. I don’t have the crying that other transwomen have mentioned or talked about, I still seem to not to be able to get the waterworks for whatever reason (not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing).

 

Work is pretty stagnant right now, which gives me way too much time to reflect and think. I am coming closer to a point where I want to come out at work, but I still kind of want to stick to my timeline of May to start the process with HR. Then once I have it with HR, I will meet with my boss with HR present. I actually think I might have HR in the meeting when we go over with my team at work. I want to make sure I check all the boxes correctly to ensure that nothing negative happens.

 

I am scheduled to have my hair cut and planning on doing highlights for the first time in the next week or so. It depends if it happens this weekend based on what some friends say, if they want to join me on this adventure or not (just going with me to the salon). I think I am hoping they say yes, because I feel like having others there would make me feel more comfortable as I plan on getting my hair trimmed in a more feminine messy bob style. I think I have it picked out, and then either purple or blonde highlights. Not sure which will look better, so we will talk about that when I go and get my hair done.

 

I am surprised at how much I have moved forward while not really moving forward at the same time. I did decide that I am going to setup a local LGBTQ+ social group, because I need that exposure to the community and I don’t want to go clubbing to get it (not my scene). I found a local Graphic Designer actually working on the logo for me now, which is kind of exciting.

 

[Heather Shay]

@QuestioningAmber I am glad you are back - yes HRT does have different effects and timelines based on your genes. Highs and lows come with the territory and a little step every day helps. I'm going through stagnating and found a wonderful YouTube doctor with LGBTQ videos and I HIGHLY recommend her. I'll post the one below I think is very good. I planned on going the highlights a while back and my wife had a meltdown because she say women end up having to spend a lot of time and money keeping it up. I told her ok for now. When my hair ever gets reasonably long I will go with a more feminine cut but for now she likes my "Margaret Atwood" curls and gray hair look.

 

Spending time with HR and then HR and boss and then HR and team is a wise idea - one step at a time and growing more confident with each meeting. I'm proud of you and don't worry - you are still young enough. I started noticing more changes after 6 months HRT - and maybe with your next Equitas meeting ask about adding progesterone - my NP there added it at 6 months to promote breast growth and it is working.

 

Good luck on your leadership and organization of social group - I think that is wonderful and you are in an area the is more open to that and I applaud you. 

 

 

[Susan R]

On 3/17/2021 at 10:23 AM, QuestioningAmber said:

I am on my 5th month of hormones, and things are going at a snail’s pace in regards to physical changes.

This was the month in my medical transition when I started wondering when the major changes were going to kick in. As you say, it does take time and the results never seemed to be consistent day to day. Some days you see yourself and think, “Wow, I think there’s some definite change” but then the next day everything seems to have returned to the way they were. So much of the changes appear to be perception but there are micro changes occurring as your levels stabilize within a relatively normal female range. You’re going to start seeing more and more change now though. The first four months is when your body is adjusting to the new hormones so it’s an exciting time in your transition...even if seemingly slow.

 

On 3/17/2021 at 10:23 AM, QuestioningAmber said:

I did decide that I am going to setup a local LGBTQ+ social group, because I need that exposure to the community and I don’t want to go clubbing to get it (not my scene). I found a local Graphic Designer actually working on the logo for me now, which is kind of exciting.

This sounds wonderful @QuestioningAmber. You know the old saying...build it and they will come. I am sure it’s going to be a success. You’re going to be helping your local community..that’s truly inspiring.

 

Best wishes to you on your newest venture!

Susan R?

[Heather Shay]

@QuestioningAmber duh.... I forgot to include the video I mentioned - here it is.....

 

 

[Ivy]

Dr, Z is cool.

Although she puts me in mind of Edna Mode.

[AmberM]

 

It’s been a while since I have posted to this thread so I thought I would make an update for myself and for others who want to read it.

 

First as of Thursday I am officially out at work. I went through the process of talking to HR, then my Boss, my Boss’s Boss, and then my team along with the leadership of the old team I was a part of that I occasionally support as well. I went to login this morning and it is now using my updated login and the email address says Amber, the signature says Amber, everything says Amber, which makes me a very happy girl. It was kind of surreal to see the chosen name and everything.

 

Then on top of that, I decided it was time to come out on Facebook and start updating my different online profiles and accounts. The big thing for me was updating Facebook, I updated that yesterday, both name and gender. I had to fight to find where the gender selection was hidden since I was forced to the “new” UI for some reason. On top of that, I decided to write up a post about what was going on. I am happy I did this at the same time, because I feel like it is more authentic. It also paid off because so far, as I have got nothing but support thus far. I am still monitoring my Facebook feed for negative comments, but I am much more relaxed about it.

 

I think the thing that I am learning is that for the most part people don’t care at worst, and that there are those who have my back and are going to be supportive. I do need to have some conversations still, but I have done everything humanly possible at this point to come out, and I feel more authentic and better at this point. I do still have to wait for my legal name change, but I am sure June 8th will come by quickly, just as my wait for coming out at work and on Social Media.

 

I hope you can read this post and find inspiration, because I believe each of us can do what we need to or want to do regarding transition. It can be easier than we make it out at times, but I also acknowledge that I am lucky to have the support that I do.

 

[Heather Shay]

@AmberM fantastic. I am so proud of you and I am inspired by you. You have come incredibly far since I've come to know you. In fact I made my next step by discussing my wish to be allowed to open up to my step kids with my wife's buy-in. Name change is next and paperwork is in the works. 

 

Again I think you need to celebrate with a visit to the zoo and a shopping trip.

[Elizabeth Star]

@AmberMCongrats. FB is a strange thing with their 50+ gender options. I updated mine at the end of the day right before I was heading to bed and then ended up spending the next 2 hour talking with friends. It seemed everyone wanted to talk, I had people coming out the wood-work. Thankfully, I didn't have to explain myself to anyone.

 

 

 

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, AmberM said:

First as of Thursday I am officially out at work.

 

Then on top of that, I decided it was time to come out on Facebook and start updating my different online profiles and accounts.

 

I hope you can read this post and find inspiration, because I believe each of us can do what we need to or want to do regarding transition.

Sounds like some incredible things are happening for you Amber! I congratulate you on not only your recent accomplishments but the wanting to help others in regards to their transition. Thank you for sharing your great steps forward! You are an inspiration to others.?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

Wow. Go Amber! 

[KayC]

On 5/1/2021 at 6:53 PM, AmberM said:

I hope you can read this post and find inspiration, because I believe each of us can do what we need to or want to do regarding transition.

Congratulations, Amber❣️  and, Thank you for the inspiration!

[AmberM]

So I just thought I would update my own post here about things that have changed over the last almost year now and check back in. It has been a wild ride so far, and I am trying to think where to begin, because honestly, it has been a lot. I have been living as Amber officially and legally since I think May-ish last year, which has had lots of ups and downs. I started going to a local trans-support group hosted by a local gender-affirming clinic, which has been great. I even reached a point where I created my own Discord server to support the group, and kind of am the Owner of it I guess and that has also been kind of cool. In that time away I also started seeing a second therapist, because to be honest my original therapist I came out to doesn’t have a sense of the struggle I feel like and things I was going through. She helps me now mostly with general mental health (depression/anxiety/trauma), while my more gender affirming therapist, I feel like I can get feedback on how to deal with the gender specific issues, but has also helped me start to spread my wings in the queer community.

 

I will say I did struggle deep depression again this year, it started in late October, and I decided to proceed to try to get in to do ECT again to treat the depression. However, this time it didn’t have any effect on me so I stopped treatment in December. They wanted me to step into a new tier of treatment that I didn’t feel comfortable with, but also didn’t feel comfortable there anymore based on some interactions with nurses and their thoughts that I was depressed because I chose to transition. Let’s just say that didn’t sit well with me, and was part of my decision to stop because I got that sense that was going to be where treatment would have led to.

 

The family situation has kind of unraveled, some due to depression and dealing with some repressed trauma, some to do with just lack of understanding where I am at in general. I am getting the vibe from my family that unless I live up to their expectations, I will be judged and chastised for not meeting them. I have decided to distance myself for now, and will add them back in over time as I approach them and assert firm boundaries. I know some of it is just me having to contend with trauma from the family, but also at the end of the day I don’t get to control their reactions to me living authentically.

 

Work has been going okay for me. I think it has been one of the few constants. I am starting to live as myself, and I am starting to learn to take a firm stand and be me and voice my thoughts and opinions. I have thus far been remote for so long it feels now, but there is talks I am sure about starting to bring people back into the office as things seem to be calming down again. I did get information that I am finally getting the promotion that I should have gotten last year, so effect April 4^th I will be a Senior Software Engineer, which is super exciting. From almost all my interactions, I haven’t ran across someone who has been disrespectful, though I still have lots of self-doubts with some of my coworkers at times, but I am trying to remind myself, that at the end of the day, it’s none of my business what their thoughts are of the real me.

 

Really, I have started to live more authentically, and it has definitely been a journey. I am doing a couple of local events that are trans-focused here in the next month and to prepare for one of them I am going to also do things for self-care. I am still anxious about presenting as the real me, but I am also starting to do things in person with other local trans-folks, which is helping me build confidence that I can be who I am unapologetically. I know this is along post, but thought I would let y’all know what’s been going on, even if it is just for me.

[Ivy]

42 minutes ago, AmberM said:

I know this is along post, but thought I would let y’all know what’s been going on, even if it is just for me.

Sounds like you're making progress.  That's a good thing.