My coming out has stalled...

[ShawnaLeigh]

I hit a point a week or so ago where I just had to tell the world.  My fears and anxiety were not enough to contain "me" any further.  I started coming out with those I had little doubt would support me or at least understand.  It was liberating and the whole "huge weight lifted off my shoulders" feeling was amazing.

So I told my sister and in proxy her husband, my step-mother, my wife (the hardest thing I've ever done), my mother (still a mass of drama), and my dental hygienist.  My gender therapist of course.

I still have two younger twin brothers and two children to tell before just releasing the floor gates to the world.  Well maybe work fist then the world.  LOL

However with the holidays coming up I have been advised and asked to not tell anyone else until afterwards.  The consensus is that it could effect those still left to tell poorly during a time of year where it should be a happy and festive time.  

I get this.  I do.  I certainly do not want to ruin and nice holiday with dropping a big bomb like this on my loved ones.  Potentially causing more issues than I care to deal with.

So I agreed.

However now I went from this sense of feeling free, flying, and pressing onward toward my true self to now feeling stalled out and contained.  

By my choice again, but I do feel a bit low about it all.  A bit frustrated in some sense.

In the end I will do what's best for everyone else for the time being, as I have always done really, thinking of how they could potentially feel is important to me truthfully.  So I am slowing my roll with coming out and moving forward.   I am still out to those that know and most importantly my wife who continues to amaze me with how she is treating me and acting towards what I am sure is a very hard thing to deal with and accept for her.

[Jani]

42 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

However now I went from this sense of feeling free, flying, and pressing onward toward my true self to now feeling stalled out and contained.  

Unfortunately this is typical I'm afraid.  We all ask the question, "Now what?"  Remember this is not a race.  You go at your own pace and as far as you need to be happy and comfortable. 

Jani

[Jackie C.]

I did the same thing coming out to my father. I waited until after the holidays. Partially to not make Thanksgiving and Christmas weird and partially because I was terrified of his reaction. My family is smaller than yours though and we're not especially close. Presenting male made it awkward anyway, but it was only awkward for me.

 

Granted, that was before my egg donor banished me from her life. The bonus being I don't have to worry about any of that nonsense this year. The holidays are mostly stress that I really don't need. My celebration this year is going to be Edwards Day (a faux-Thanksgiving get-together with friends this weekend) and maybe Christmas with my Sister In Law if they don't go to visit with their other Grandmother (the one I'm not related to by marriage). 

 

I have come out to most of Susan's family though. Except her dad. I've been in full female presentation around him (I even cooked him breakfast on Father's Day), but, at my wife's insistence, we haven't said anything. They were all completely cool with it, especially my niece (20) and nephew (18).

 

I guess what I'm saying is that you really don't have to STOP. It's just two days in cosplay (depending on the length of your visit of course, my family was always physically close but emotionally distant) as Shawn. You can handle a couple of days then go back to being yourself. Heck, the days are even a solid month apart. Plenty of time to recharge the batteries in between.

 

You've got this.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

You can handle a couple of days then go back to being yourself. Heck, the days are even a solid month apart. Plenty of time to recharge the batteries in between.

Yea.  I can.  But it sucks is all.  LOL

Thank you.

Lots of Love

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

Unfortunately this is typical I'm afraid.  We all ask the question, "Now what?"  Remember this is not a race.  You go at your own pace and as far as you need to be happy and comfortable. 

Jani

In many ways I feel I have gone so far in such a short time and in others I'm on step 3 of 10000.

I'm in no hurry.  I know this takes a long time to see results both mentally and physically, but after 52 years of not being me its no surprise I am feelin a bit of frustration too.   

[ToniTone]

12 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

However now I went from this sense of feeling free, flying, and pressing onward toward my true self to now feeling stalled out and contained.  

 

Like Jani said, this is pretty typical. Not just in coming out, but life in general. I'm sure many would agree, but I'm just speaking from my own experience. 

 

It's like somedays I feel like a euphoric woman, makeup hair and ensemble is on point, I'm getting lots of compliments and gendered properly, and other days I'm getting mostly misgendered, beard stubble and body hair growing back in giving me dysphoria, and my anxiety telling me why I'm doing this at all. 

 

I had the same experience before coming out publicly. I was going to wait until I hopefully presented more naturally, but I wanted to start dressing out and couldn't contain myself anymore. I'm so glad I did. I'm so much happier to be me now.