Coming out to my boyfriend (letter)

[Guest]

Hey so the title can be understand in an other way, I already came out to my boyfriend, and thinks went pretty bad. I didn't know how to answer, I was scared, and still questioning my gender. It has now been a month since and we still didn't talk about it, both scared to end the relationship. So I thought I might send him a mail, with more explanation, as I am now more understanding what I feel. Cause I feel that last time he just understood that I will change my behave to a stereotypical dude, who chose it because of other people's opinion. I feel like I have to clarify a bit. A lot of you told me to make a break or to fully break up with him. But I know that he is supportive over these things, just not me? for the reasons said before.. Tell me what you think, some things are personal so I just well you'll see : here you go

 

Hey please read this fully. And sorry if it is a bit long o_o! Love you ❤️

 

Hello potatokun.. I know you won’t like this mail AT ALL!..

But I have to write it and you have to read it or we will have to be always struggling with one problem that I won’t let away. But I love you so I won’t let you away either..

Last time, when we talked about me as Ethan, things went pretty bad we agree on this point, but I didn’t make it easy either. I was quite stressed and didn’t understand yet what I felt. But now I understand it more and I hope I can make you feel the same.

First this is NOT a choice believe me. I wish I was cis just like you. You know, somewhat, normal. When I was younger, people must have figured it out before me. Cause they were always calling me a tomboy, weirdo and “a penis with glasses” (this one is comic XD). You said it too, you’ve been there. Not for the same reasons. But you had those “looks”. Saying or “get away from me”, or accepting you and than saying that they regrets. And I wasn’t as strong as you were. I tried to change. For them. But it was hard, my reputation was already made. So I exaggerated everything I would say, to make me more interesting. Look even more CRAZY to look funny. I just wanted to be accepted. After some more stuff had happened I promised myself that I would be myself when I’ll arrive at middle school. So I pretended to be in a what I called “feminine moment”. I was going to be more feminine to be more accepted. I wore make up, dresses (quickly forgot this idea XD, putting a rule of only 1 dress per year XD) I had long hair. But you know my “friends were toxic”, using me as a bouche-trou. Wasn’t funny. So to make it short I had guy friends when I want away from those girls, and tried to be finally myself, I wanted to be fully in the group. but still didn’t feel good with them either, as my chest was always referred. So the year after I totally closed myself from people hopping Jules Guesde would be a new start. Now you kinda know why I rather not have too much friends. Then this year I again had a feminine moment. I guess it is because I arrived in a new school. But now I remember that in the beginning I said I wanted to be dressed as a guy to see if people would think I was. Cause it was funny. But mum was like “you don’t want a -crappy- reputation again” and she was right XD. Weirdly I was really confident and told you a lot of personal stuff like [personal] or the fake thingy [I had a some kind of brake down where I felt fake af]… but now I know why I felt wrong, lying, fake or whatever. Because THIS wasn’t me. The me getting excited for nothing, the me having feminine moments… the mirror was telling me, like you said, this reflection is not who I am. I than tried to stop faking but I didn’t really think why I was like this. I remember saying when I was younger I would never be transexual (that’s when you do bottom surgery) I still agree! For now I am not dysphoric because of my genitals (I guess) [I am not mentioning the packer XD] I am fine! So if this is your problem don’t worry, I am not transexual ,[personal] But I never knew about transgender. When I heard of it I understood, that’s me!

 

Now what will change? First outside, my name will be Ethan, and people will know me as male (nothing more). Mentally? I always were Ethan. I just hid a bit of him but not really well. When people thought that I was a guy, I was like? “oh no ugh”, but actually even my mum understand that I quite liked it. Do you remember in the beginning of the year how many times I used to say “ugh girls do this, girls do that…” Well I think I was just saying what I didn’t want to be but, what people expected. You told me something like “you’re again getting influenced by other people thoughts” but yeah you’re right. But when I identify as female I feel like lying the reflection is telling me to look away. And I know you said that it happened to you, to be watched by the “looks”. But don’t tell me you didn’t care! I used to say I didn’t but I did. And you know it is not funny. You want to be part of a group to have someone who tells you that he loves you. But you won’t get beaten so you stand up and smile and try again, and again, but maybe the technique is not the good one. That’s what I felt. OF COURSE I am not depressive and -crap- don’t worry I am WAAAAY over that it is just not "funny" to live with. So yeah coming back to the “what would it change mentally” my flipping confidence! I won’t lie, won’t forced smiling, and end up like sh*t I will f*cking be happy! But the thing is this. I LOVE YOU. It may sound stupid, but I want to live with you for the rest of my life, be married why not, kids (I would still be able to have biological kids) [so cringy XD] why not, sr I am going too far that might be scary but what I am saying is true, I LOVE YOU you are the man of my life and between us me being trans won’t change anything in our relationship. It is as hard for me to transition as it is for you probably more, but whatever, I’ll do everything to be happy. I want to feel the same that when people say I am a boy for all my life. Let me smile.

Phew that was long. I guess I’ll finish with those 3 questions,

What does really bother you?

- that you are afraid to never get use to it?

- that I will be different, not the same?

- how people see us?

- does that make you gay? ← that one’s weird

- Am I too young to transition, I mean I have all my life in front of me

(wait that’s a bit more questions than expected XD)

 

And now let me explain them

 

1- You will surely get used to it don’t worry :). It might take time but I understand, I kinda have to get used to it too as I will change name, and that the adjectives used won’t be feminine I have to not make the mistake XD. And if it takes time I’ll be patient.

 

2- nothing will really change in my personality I was like that since I was born.

 

3- They’ll probably see us as a gay couple. (and if other people’s way of thinking is important to you, that would be a BIG irony( =vo)

 

4- That doesn’t make you gay or bi. One time doesn’t mean always.

 

5- This one is one that you asked : I don’t think there is any age to transition, some do when they are around 5yo some do around 16 and some do around 70, you don’t have a limit. And now that I pretty much figured out that I was trans, to let it pass would be pretty much unbearable. I never really liked living like that but didn’t know why. And as I grew older I started to ask myself some questions, you know the “fake thingy moment” I am starting to ask more questions. And when I found a transgender video (totally randomly, I don’t even know why I found it XD, it was some trans guy trying on some underwear, pretty weird) I felt like I wasn’t alone, and there was a name and a solution for what I felt! I don’t want to wait till I am 70 to transition while already knowing what I am. Of course I’ll wait to be sure about transitioning but I am now 95% sure to do it.

 

And if you have more questions you can ask, you can call I just needed the courage to tell you this unlike last time =u=’

You can also do researches on transgender FtM, dysphoria. Here is a helpful video you can watch it if you want I jut want you to understand, and in the same time I want to understand so feel free to tell me anything.

Remember I love you with all my fridgirating heart. Totemo suki da yo kartoffel kun

Good luck cause you need it too<3

I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove yooooooooouuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Here is the link of the video I told you it might be really helpful!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sduSt9LqFS8

 

 

P.S

I admit foodwars is not that bad, ok I get it "

 

 

Ok that is long I hope he won't see it and be like "nope! too long!"

 

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!POTATO RUUUULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

wow that IS long sorry guys

 

 

potato forever