Coming out to my Turkish muslim mom

[LaylaBarbz]

Lately I've really wanted to come out to my family and especially first to my mom as a transgirl. But as you might read in the title, there's one problem..... My whole family is Turkish and muslim, they never would accept me being trans. I can't even think about what would happen if I come out... I wrote a coming out letter, I don't know when or how I'm going to give it to her. What would the best advice be?... :( 

[Susan R]

I would be very cautious about someone finding that letter. I’m not talking about just your family either. The penalty for being yourself can be pretty severe if I’m not mistaken. I would protect that as if your life depends on it...because it might.

 

Susan R?

[LaylaBarbz]

34 minutes ago, Susan R said:

I would be very cautious about someone finding that letter. I’m not talking about just your family either. The penalty for being yourself can be pretty severe if I’m not mistaken. I would protect that as if your life depends on it...because it might.

 

Susan R?

Thankyou for caring Susan! 

I made the letter on a online word document, so it's very safe and no one can ever find it. (Unless I want them to ?)

You're right, being myself can have serious consequences for me. But it got so hard to keep shut about it, I wanna be myself so badly...

[Susan R]

@LaylaBarbz I really feel for you but I’ll be honest and tell you I worry about you going public with this in your country. I hopefully will never have to give advice for someone to leave their country in order to live as themselves. You have to weigh the benefits of such a decision very carefully. It comes down to this IMHO...Living as yourself somewhere else vs. Living as society dictates where you are vs. living at all.  The choice is difficult due to your specific environment, traditions and beliefs but it’s one you‘ll have to make. Please do not choose the last option as it defeats all purpose and logic. The world is a much better place with you in it.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Lexi C]

Hey Layla B. 

As all always Susan has amazing insight and she properly right. But I will give you scenario and you can decided

I grow up in a catholic household/ neighborhood / everything environment. Mom was super religious, never had a dad, but my external fam was super Reg as well. It took me  55 yrs to come out to my mom. she died 6month ago. I got to spend 6months with her as her daughter.

I never wrote a letter or anything. I knew she was dying of stage 4 Cancer and I didn't want to lie to her anymore. so I just told her I love her, I will accept what ever she decides to call me, but I am transition for m2f. 

Maybe its was the Cancer, but she open up her arms to me. We even went to church together as mother and daughter. I miss her everyday. With things what they are now, you  just don't how long you have with your love once.

So my personally, I rather be honest and accept the outcome, which might be hate,,,but if its love( like it was for me) it will lift a weight off your shoulder you would not believe. Good luck

Be Safe, BE Proud, and KICK ASS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LaylaBarbz]

12 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey Layla B. 

As all always Susan has amazing insight and she properly right. But I will give you scenario and you can decided

I grow up in a catholic household/ neighborhood / everything environment. Mom was super religious, never had a dad, but my external fam was super Reg as well. It took me  55 yrs to come out to my mom. she died 6month ago. I got to spend 6months with her as her daughter.

I never wrote a letter or anything. I knew she was dying of stage 4 Cancer and I didn't want to lie to her anymore. so I just told her I love her, I will accept what ever she decides to call me, but I am transition for m2f. 

Maybe its was the Cancer, but she open up her arms to me. We even went to church together as mother and daughter. I miss her everyday. With things what they are now, you  just don't how long you have with your love once.

So my personally, I rather be honest and accept the outcome, which might be hate,,,but if its love( like it was for me) it will lift a weight off your shoulder you would not believe. Good luck

Be Safe, BE Proud, and KICK ASS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss....

Thankyou so much! You're really brave for sharing such a personal story...

The problem for me is that I'm growing up in a Turkish religious family, but we're living in the Netherlands.

It's accepted here in the Netherlands, but not by my family... My family is the only obstacle left, it's really holding me back from coming out... I've already tried to come out once, but then as gay because I did not want to come with such a big thing in one time to them.... I did not dare to do that... Once I came out my father abused me and my mom didn't know what to do, she became very sick and stressed and linked it with satanism etc... Now they think I'm ''Healed''

I really don't know what will happen if they find out about me being trans... Can't imagine what will happen this time compared to my previous experience

[KayC]

1 hour ago, LaylaBarbz said:

really don't know what will happen if they find out about me being trans... Can't imagine what will happen this time compared to my previous experience

Hi Layla.  Welcome and nice to meet you.
Your situation sounds so difficult.  You are truly stuck between two different cultures and societies and I cannot imagine the position that puts you in.
My viewpoint is its not a good idea for me to offer "advice" for these type relationship/family/culture/transition issues within the forum, because it is impossible for any of us to know exactly where you are and how this will flow ... as I can see you are struggling with also.  But, some of the stories and experiences other members provide can give you perspective, and hopefully that helps.

Many members recommend counseling, surrounding yourself with friends like yourself, and a support system within those circles.  You are very fortunate that the country you live in can probably provide that.
If you have a faith (same or different than your parents) then its possible it can also help open up a path for resolution.  The only thing I can offer is to avoid allowing any feelings of resentment toward your parents.  Sometimes they are prisoners to their own human condition. 

I agree with @Susan R that whatever you decide, do so with care and caution, and have safety plan available.
Praying for a hopeful outcome for you ?

Kay
 

[LaylaBarbz]

3 hours ago, KCraig said:

The only thing I can offer is to avoid allowing any feelings of resentment toward your parents.  Sometimes they are prisoners to their own human condition. 
 

This really opened my eyes, thankyou so much Kay!

 

[Lexi C]

Hey L.B

I think KCraig has a appoint.

However, if your truly miserable ( like I was) then you might went to split( like I did). You don't need to leave yr Country,  but find a friend who you can  trust or a group or safe house( like I did) and start from there.

I can tell you its going to be tough. I lost a lot of years with no fam and it took a lot out of me,

You will struggle for a while.You might even forget your trans cuz your to busy tring to survive , but when the smokes clears and you have settle in ...you will be happy. My opinion , my experience, my life..so take it for what its worth. 

It's a long journey regardless/

Be safe, BE Proud, and KICK ASS

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LaylaBarbz]

6 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey L.B

I think KCraig has a appoint.

However, if your truly miserable ( like I was) then you might went to split( like I did). You don't need to leave yr Country,  but find a friend who you can  trust or a group or safe house( like I did) and start from there.

I can tell you its going to be tough. I lost a lot of years with no fam and it took a lot out of me,

You will struggle for a while.You might even forget your trans cuz your to busy tring to survive , but when the smokes clears and you have settle in ...you will be happy. My opinion , my experience, my life..so take it for what its worth. 

It's a long journey regardless/

Be safe, BE Proud, and KICK ASS

 

 

 

 

 

 

Totally agree! 
My plan now is : 

Secretly finding a place to stay, as soon as I have that coming out.