Writing my letter and losing drive

[KathrynnCox]

Has anyone else had profound personal questioning and lack of motivation when writing your coming out letter? My wife knows about my trans past but I purged everything when we moved in together and she knows the thoughts keep coming back. My therapist says that at this point it would be unethical to try and suppress them. So I need to come out to the wife that this is staying. But the more I put this together the more selfish it seems and the less important it is compared to the well-being of my household and my wife. Please tell me this is normal. I was having a GREAT day until I sat down to do this. 
 

Best Wishes,

 

Katie J. 

[Jackie C.]

Whelp, first off there's no such thing as a "trans past." Well, unless you're fully transitioned I guess. I mean you're trans or you're not. We don't really grow out of it. Some people choose to bottle it all up and hope for an early death. I tried that route and it wasn't really healthy.

 

It's honestly not selfish at all to try and live as your authentic self. It's just healthy. Keeping part of yourself hidden away from your family seems like a more selfish act. They're your loved ones. They deserve all of you. Especially the good parts.

 

Finally, the well-being of your household is suffering now. Like all systems, it can't function at 100% if one part isn't working right. You're only giving part of yourself to your family. That's not right.

 

Pretend I said something really profound here. My brain keeps sticking on, "Your trans identity is the lubricant you need to run smoothly." I don't think that'll ever be on a t-shirt.

 

So yeah, my point being that you're making excuses for yourself because you're scared. That's normal. This is scary. You need to follow through though or you'll keep being unhappy. Your family deserves you at your best.

 

Hugs!

[Tori M]

Sometimes it's ok to be selfish.  Sometimes we reach a point where it's the only thing we can do to keep ourselves from dying inside.  It feels terrible because we know we're going to hurt someone that we love dearly.  The point of your letter is not to hurt someone, it's to save yourself.  Would they still want you if you became a hollow, empty shell of yourself?  I would include these facts in my letter.

 

BIG HUGS!❣️

[KathrynnCox]

I’m basing my letter, on the advice on my therapist, on the DEARMAN method of asking for something you want.