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Is anyone bigender? Help?


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I've only recently realized I'm a guy and I'm suddenly not sure that's the full picture. I felt so confident about it for a few days, and now I'm having a hard time telling if I'm just having normal doubts and anxiety or maybe I'm bigender. I'm having a hard time letting go of femininity and I don't know if I'm just sort of effeminate, or not used to it yet, or what? I really don't know what the answer is and I know the only thing I can do is take my time and play with my expression to see what feels right, but if there are other people who have gone through this I'd love to know...how you knew, I guess.

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  • Forum Moderator

This is why we have therapists. ?

 

While not bigender myself, I have a friend who identifies as bigender. He lives most of his life male and brings Jennifer, his alter ego, out for special occasions. Mostly parties, competitions, see and be seen sort of events. Conventions. Renfest. Etc... He's talked about transitioning after he retires, but the last time I talked to him he wasn't going to take that step until after he retired because of the damage it would likely do to his career.

 

So with that in mind, you need to do what makes you happy and comfortable in your own skin. You're new to this whole thing, so experiment. It's not like there's a checklist we can follow to get from point A to point B. Figure out what makes you happy, then do that. If you're still uncomfortable, try another step farther. Repeat until you're content with who you are.

 

Hugs!

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Hello @JamesM !


I feel my situation is rather similar to yours. A lot of the time I feel confident I'm male (opposite gender to what I am biologically), but other times I'm "fine" being female. I never have been a girly-girl, so to say, but only the  last few years am I confident with my body. Sort of. Most of the time.
Maybe if I was physically male and sometimes dress/look feminine/being spoken to as female, then perhaps that would be a better situation for me.
I don't know.
I haven't contemplated on being bigender, though now that you say it, maybe I am. I hope I'll be able to start therapy soon so I know what I am (physically and mentally).

I hope you can figure it out soon too.
Good luck!

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Hi @Pallas! Glad to know I'm not alone. Therapy is definitely helpful in these situations.

 

I felt so right being a guy, and could look back at all the times it should have been obvious, but still felt like "what if I'm wrong?" So I expressed that to my husband, and he asked, when was the last time you felt like a girl? But we were already having an emotional conversation so I couldn't think straight. And after some introspection, I do think there are times, because over the past four years of thinking I was nonbinary there were definitely "wait, am I faking this? I feel kinda like a girl? What's happening?" moments. So I guess I'm definitely genderfluid or bigender or something. But I've also spent those years not wanting to change to they/them pronouns because the idea of having to constantly defend them to people who don't get it sounds exhausting, and I at least live in an area where binary trans folx are pretty accepted. Now that I've found this masc aspect of myself, I really don't feel right going back to she/her pronouns. I wish I had a simple answer for myself.

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@JamesM one thing that keeps coming up in therapy for me is the reminder that gender identity is a spectrum, not a binary. I am AMAB, and for the past year at this point have felt mostly Trans-female. However, more recently there are doubts if I can handle going through transitioning, for a variety of reasons. I bring out Amber a lot when I am at home working (the new COVID normal), and I have gone out a couple of times to accepting events (one was a Drag/Burlesque Event, the other a "fetish" Halloween Party). There are days where I don't have that much dysphoria just wearing shorts and a t-shirt kind of thing, more gender neutral I feel. Other days, I have to go change and put on a cute top and shorts, or a dress, or you get the idea.

 

I am trying to work on caring less about classifications in the binary, and focus on being me.

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Just want to toss in my support and appreciation JamesM.  QuestioningAmber brings up a good point there that hit me pretty hard.  I'm still trying to figure out myself but it brings some comfort that there's a spectrum and not completely feeling like THIS or THAT all the time or completely is okay :)

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James,

 

I have identified as bi-gender for a long time.  Born male I enjoyed being so, but there was also a part of me that was female.  I have embraced both the male and female personas sharing my mind, and it has brought me happiness and contentment.  I have no desire to give up one gender for the other, instead, I express both.  

 

Thank goodness things have changed in recent years, but there used to be this unwritten rule that a person had to choose a gender identity.  That is just ludicrous.  We humans are all different and it is absolutely okay to express the gender or genders of your choice.  I say explore your gender identities and express the one or the many that make you feel happy and complete.

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  • 4 months later...
On 8/3/2020 at 7:51 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

@JamesM one thing that keeps coming up in therapy for me is the reminder that gender identity is a spectrum, not a binary. I am AMAB, and for the past year at this point have felt mostly Trans-female. However, more recently there are doubts if I can handle going through transitioning, for a variety of reasons. I bring out Amber a lot when I am at home working (the new COVID normal), and I have gone out a couple of times to accepting events (one was a Drag/Burlesque Event, the other a "fetish" Halloween Party). There are days where I don't have that much dysphoria just wearing shorts and a t-shirt kind of thing, more gender neutral I feel. Other days, I have to go change and put on a cute top and shorts, or a dress, or you get the idea.

 

I am trying to work on caring less about classifications in the binary, and focus on being me.

   @QuestioningAmber  your post really spoke to me as I feel very similar and have discussed this same things with my counselor.

I was AMAB, tried to be me (feminine) as a kid, accepted the boy stereotype and buried my true self until I started to reflect on what the purpose of my life really was (now in my 40s).

In my heart/soul, I'm a girl but my exterior is playing catch up. I've slowly been in transition for several years now and continue to do so. I'm working towards a gender queer expression that I feel I can live with for now while I figure out who I am, where im going, and where I might end up. I still struggle everyday but celebrate small steps.

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Months late but, better than silence. AFAB, never quite felt that fit and always wished at some point to go through the change to male, but was heart broken knowing with how the world works, that wouldn't happen till I was past 40yrs from when I started thinking considering about it in my teens. But never could bring myself to talk about it. Family already made fun of how boyish I acted, how I hated make-up and dressing up. Told my mom I wasn't a lesbian, because truth was I'm pansexual, but the less she knew the less pain she could inflict. She wasn't a very open person to the idea, from listening to conversations she had with friends. A part of me wished to confront her about her insensitive words and thoughts, but was more fearful of giving myself away. Plus, once ma had something in mind, there was little to change that view point without being hurtful. I played girl where and when it was important to play pretend and I hated every moment, made me sick inside. Now older it feels like that female part even though I wished were different is a part of me, regardless how much effort I would put into changing my physical appearance. I have a very strong urge to nurture and care for things. Even my opinion of having children, at first saw it as having a parasite, but it would be mine, and since I have the equipment for now, might as well try have one. At some point that equipment would stop working naturally anyways, so I'd wait till then to make my break from this shell that sealed me away.  My long time partner knows, made sure to at least spill the beans about being bigendered and getting surgery in the future, early in the relationship. He's straight, but for a little while, I guess the knowing or more the unknowing, made him distant and cruel, those were turbulent times. He's very prideful and sensitive, felt really insecure about his masculinity and what it meant being with me. But he held his tongue on the subject cuz his words "he didn't want to hurt me." Did quite the exact opposite, when the issue was pressed and it finally came out, but he in the end of the fight, didn't want me to go. We are still together, though it isn't easy. I feel it still bothers him alittle, but he sez he'll support whatever I'm willing to do and stay with me, and I do care for him. I wish there were easy answers, but I guess that's part of the sacrifices you make being different in a society that can barely recognize you as a person. Everything be difficult and definitely not looking forward to constant fighting, I hate confrontation. I haven't change my documents or anything, still don't feel it's safe enough yet, despite living in a more "inclusive" state. I'm many things, but I'm not that brave. More cautious as hell, because I known too many not worth the trust. But I do know what I am, and for now that's enough, till this pandemic hopefully passes. "They" is growing on me, and already settled with "Mx." title, changed a lot of my cloths for men's wear and couldn't have been more comfortable wearing clothing that feels like it fits. Though I still like leggings and bell bottom pants, I'll wear a dress sweater, jewelry and make-up, though only for extra-special occasions. It's a step forward, but what's important is that you keep moving forward and always try to be free as possible, and to hell with social opinion and it's book of normal.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yeah I'm bigender. And a lot of what you said resonates with me just from the amab prespective. I'm both very masculine and feminine and yeah I just kinda have to find my own way because there's not a lot of people like me who completely embrace masculinity and femininity.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi MayGay, Welcome to our forum. I think you’ll find many people who fit in or at least accept you for who you are. That’s what really counts anyways. If you have any questions or need any advice, ask away. We are here to help any way we can. You are not alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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  • 6 months later...

Once I started questioning my gender, I struggled with reconciling all the signs that I was trans with the femininity I still felt. I considered myself genderfluid for awhile. Eventually I settled on the term nonbinary male. While I am a man, certain parts of me are still rooted in what's traditionally considered a feminine nature. (Specifically, I think the way I express love is very motherly in nature.) I don't think it's uncommon for that to be the case in people, but for me I felt that just being a guy didn't seem right. It cut out an important part of who I am.

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@KaiTheGreater I feel pretty much equal and opposite of what you wrote.  For me, my internal identity is very clear, but I really don't care that much about expressing eternally.  I still have guy stuff in my head and I don't hate all of it, just some of it.  What I really care about is nurturing the female side of myself and interacting with women with that side of myself.  If I were totally analytical, I'd label myself as bi-gender, but I don't really want my inner life to feel male at all.  But interacting with random people at the grocery store?  I don't need to transition.  I'm fairly happy in my male disguise.   However, it does feel more and more like a disguise and that process is ongoing.  I'm happy if the road takes me to needing more female expression externally. -Grace

 

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  • 1 month later...
On 8/4/2021 at 9:43 AM, GraceH said:

@KaiTheGreater I feel pretty much equal and opposite of what you wrote.  For me, my internal identity is very clear, but I really don't care that much about expressing eternally.  I still have guy stuff in my head and I don't hate all of it, just some of it.  What I really care about is nurturing the female side of myself and interacting with women with that side of myself.  If I were totally analytical, I'd label myself as bi-gender, but I don't really want my inner life to feel male at all.  But interacting with random people at the grocery store?  I don't need to transition.  I'm fairly happy in my male disguise.   However, it does feel more and more like a disguise and that process is ongoing.  I'm happy if the road takes me to needing more female expression externally. -Grace

 

Thanks to everyone in this topic about being bigender. It's really helpful to me and I keep coming back to read this for reassurance. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with the term, bigender, but I'm not convinced just yet. Since it does for me encompass much of the gender spectrum, I guess it's naturally an uncertain definition. There's more I need to learn about myself and having a gender therapist who is really proving her value really helps. It's a long road for someone as impatient as I am, but I'm solidly on a safe path to discovery. I'd really appreciate hearing more stories from folks who have dealt with this concept, so I'm subscribing to this topic for the long term. Thanks and hugs to all of you.

— Davie

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