Inner strength, where to find it?

[Kara Zor-El]

Hello,

I've been on this forum for a few years, been very quiet for the last couple years, but have been "lurking" again for a few months now. I'm not sure where this post really fits so thought general will do. My question.....my dilemma.... is where do I find the strength within me to do, to say what needs to be to my spouse? I came out to her 2 and a half years ago, we've been together almost 20 years, married for half of that. 3 kids ranging from 7 - 19. Her initial reaction was unfortunately the bad reaction many get, she was filled with rage and shock and I don't really know how we made it past the first 2 months. I believe that we truly love each other. Our conversations about us......about me being trans, on the other hand 98% of the time turn into big arguments. Our arguments typically start as civil conversations, but as she quickly moves to raising her voice, saying harsh things (that she ends up later saying she didn't mean), to often screaming. Pleading with her to keep it down so the kids don't have to hear every word goes nowhere and then she reaches a point where she's just done with the conversation and my choice is to shut up or I can keep on but it will only fuel her anger to last longer.

     Over the course of the 2.5 years, we've almost ended things 4 or 5 times.....each time they seem to progress closer to it actually happening, but in the end, in what I assume is her love for me stopping her, it's like fog lifts from her head and she says she loves me. This last time was the worse and was only about a month ago. She was looking at a cheap portable home that one of us (me because in her words "I f#%$ed everything up, I did this to our family") could park on our land and live in. I'm pretty sure she was seeking this option because the reality is we owe so much on our land/home that selling would still leave us in owing over 10K on it and neither of us can afford it on our own. The other benefit would be proximity for the children to visit whenever they please.  In the end she said she didn't want this, and she told me that no matter what she ever says, do not ever leave....that she can't control the things she says when she gets mad.

     How am I suppose to know if she's really done with things, with us, after she has said that?? She has repeated MANY MANY MANY times......she is NOT a lesbian, she married a man, not a woman.  I've tried rationalizing to her that loving the person she's always loved doesn't equate to her being a lesbian, she would be interested in women in general if that was the case.....but her upbringing and 80s/90s societal programming does not allow her to see outside the small box that she got placed in.
     Anyways, that's sort of a rundown on the situation.....my dilemma is.....when we argue, I feel....I KNOW....she does not hear everything I'm saying, or at least doesn't remember it. This has been proven by things I've said before coming as a complete surprise to her. For instance I had mentioned way back in the beginning that I would want my ears pierced at some point......when I brought this up again a year later her reaction was of shock and surprise and a feeling of me "adding more and more"  SO what I've done is I've written a letter that lays out how far I'd like to take my transition.....the steps I need to take to feel like me, to feel sane, to feel happy and whole as a person. I've told her since day 1 when she said she would not stand for me getting bottom surgery, that I was OK with that. To me, it is a compromise I can make if I can present as my true self on the outside and feel like my true self on the inside. Would I get bottom surgery if our relationship was not a factor? 100%.....BUT I love her, and I love that intimate connection that we both feel from penetrative sex (and I know....this could be achieved with toys and other means, but she does not like toys and won't incorporate them into our love making) I still need to start HRT and go through with a name change though, both things that she had a huge negative reaction to when I brought them up a year ago. I'm willing to accept her calling me by my birth name and accept that (as she has told me) will never use she/her pronouns for me.
    Anywho.....this letter lays all of that out there, along with all the feelings and love that I have for her and how I can't imagine a future without her in it.... but handing her this letter could be the proverbial last straw, stake through the chest....you get the drift. I know that I need this, but I also need her and I don't know that the two can co-exsist. She has trouble with me just wearing women's tees and certain feminine colors are triggering for her in her anger for me. I've had this letter for almost a month since that argument and everyday tell myself I can give it to her, that I can survive our end if that's what she decides on.....but here I am, still holding onto it, and after I tell myself I can survive it ending, I quickly tell myself I can't.

  Friends and family tell me I need to be happy, that it will work out either way, that I need to help myself before helping others and they send me the airplane emergency diagram depicting that same advice. I just don't know where to get this strength.....I come so close to giving her the letter, it's like this built up burst of something I feel inside and when it comes close to bursting it just holds at that max state and then recedes. 

  I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this post, I know the answer I seek can only be answered by me, but who knows, maybe certain words stringed together just right will spark something inside me, push me past the precipice to do what needs to be done. or maybe it will just serve as yet another piece of writing that turned into nothing more than a vent.

 

Thanks for your time regardless,

Lexa

 

[Charlize]

Lexa i certainly feel your pain.  My wife and i went through several bouts of angry conversations over the years concerning dressing and gender issues.  At one point she told me i should get therapy.  I had been here just long enough to respond "OK but i'm going to see a gender therapist, not a conversion therapist."  I did and simply being there and here helped me find my path.  I could see how many times i had pushed my self away in shame and fear and knew it was an issue that would never disappear despite my efforts, purges and prayers.  I knew i had to continue despite tears and the pain we both felt.  I am fortunate that we are still together.  Our relationship has actually improved as i am able to be completely honest and am actually mostly happy and at peace.  

That may or may not be what you do or find on your journey.  We are all different and have different paths.  I would say that therapy helped me as well as my wife and my time here with others who understood helped me accept myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kara Zor-El]

I was in therapy for the first year but stopped as she couldn't handle me talkong to a "stranger" about us. I've just recently started online counceling through BetterHelp without her knowing because I really need it, I felt myself starting to sink towards the deep end again and I just don't want to get back there. Thank you for your share on your experience.

Hugs,

Lexa

[Jackie C.]

Um, @Lexa83, sweetie, your wife sounds like she's straying into abuser territory. Gaslighting ("I didn't say that" or "You said..." when you didn't and "You didn't say..." when you did.) is one of the ways abusers control their victims. It's the same with, "I can't control myself when I'm mad", passive aggressive behavior "I don't WANT to do this, but..." and blaming you for all your problems. I strongly suggest you seek couples counseling at the very least. Hopefully you can work things out.

 

I use BetterHelp also. I think it's a fine resource, especially with the whole pandemic situation. Please see if you can get some couples counseling? I think you would really benefit. From what you've said, I'm a little scared for you.

 

Hugs!

[Kara Zor-El]

Jackie, thank you for the reply. We have been on a wait list for couples counseling since late July, there is suppose to be an opening around late November - mid December..... Just hoping we make it that long.... 

 

I wish I could say you're the first person to say she's gas lighting me..... And I don't have an excuse for her, nor do I have a valid reason why I just sit here and take it other than I'm not much of a believer in non scientific things, but I somehow believe in true love and I have to believe that she feels it too but maybe is just scared and this is how she copes? I dunno. I do hope we can make it until then and that it can help.... though virtual sessions will be less effective for her I feel......stupid covid

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Lexa83 said:

I was in therapy for the first year but stopped as she couldn't handle me talkong to a "stranger" about us.

Well hopefully you were talking about you and what you needed to do.  Talking to a therapist is like talking to your doctor, there is a confidence that what you speak of is private.  This is a bond between you both.  We do counseling for ourselves and possibly the people we love.  Keep going.  Its for the good!!

Jani