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Maybe tonight....


Heather Nicole

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I've been kinda shocked by how strongly and suddenly all these feelings have been accellerating. And seeing transitioner videos on youtube, especially transition timeline ones, and the "girl for a day" series have started getting almost unbearably painful to watch, the envy has grown that much.

 

Monday morning I left a message with a gender therapist who sounds good (I hope). Turns out her office is closed Mondays, and her website says allow 48 hours for a response. If I don't count Monday, it hasn't been that long yet, but the anticipation and anxiety have just been killing me.

 

Just now, I drove my mom to an appointment she had, about a 45 minute drive. I'm sitting in the car right now waiting to drive her back. My anxiety was SO bad the whole drive here. I realized it's been feeling like my inner girl recently sensed there was hope of escape and has just been pounding and screaming, feeling despirate to finally be let out. All I could do to not be completely overwhelmed was some deep breathing, and to promise this inner girl, Heather Nicole, that I will do whatever I can to make her dream real, she will be let out and she will get to experience life as a girl in her lifetime. I also reminded her/myself she has her very own dress already coming in the mail, and I promised I'd get more of the clothes I know she likes. (Definitely need more tops, I only have one, a halter top. It feels fantastic, but doesn't really look/fit quite right on me.)

 

Wow, I can feel myself so much more at ease just by writing all of this.

 

I don't know if I will, but if the anxiety comes back, I think I might come out to my mom after dinner tonight. I think I have an idea of how to say it, and to heck with social anxiety and reactions: Her reaction will be what it will be.

 

The phrase "been living a lie" never resonated with me conciously, but I think I'm starting to feel like I may actually have been doing just that.

 

As a wise man once said:

 

"It's my life, and it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever. I just want to live while I'm alive. Because it's my life."

 

(Oh, geez, now I'm all teared up just from typing that!)

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  • Forum Moderator

Congratulations sweetie! Having a plan helps with the anxiety. Moving forward with your plan and making progress helps you even more. We all deserve to live as ourselves within the bounds of polite society. You deserve to live your life as your actual self.

 

Hugs!

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OMG!!! So I just ripped off that band aid and told her and it went SOOOO much better than I ever could have expected!!!!!! Still shaking, but she even used the word "cool"!!!!

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1 hour ago, Heather Nicole said:

it went SOOOO much better than I ever could have expected!!!!!!

 

That is awesome news Heather. It starts with one person, and builds out from there. Enjoy your freedom with one person at least :)

 

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Whew!

I was so scared for you reading the initial post...then I felt elated to hear the outcome.  Way to go Heather!

 

"don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy"

?

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Awesome!  Way to go, Heather!

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5 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

OMG!!! So I just ripped off that band aid and told her and it went SOOOO much better than I ever could have expected!!!!!! Still shaking, but she even used the word "cool"!!!!

This is amazing @Heather Nicole. You’re probably floating on air with all the endorphins right now. This is going to make life so much easier.  I’m very happy it turned out so well for you. You might find she’ll end up becoming one of your biggest allies and supporters. Keep us updated as to this situation. The road for your transition just got a lot smoother.

 

Susan R?

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Hey Heather 

Way to go. very proud. Big step but a good one for you and yr health

"And it's alright living the live you live now and its alright  as you head to the end of the road"

Traveling Wilburys . 

 

 

 

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OMG, thank you everyone!! Geez I almost feel like a pageant winner!

 

@Susan R: You're right, I have been absolutely floating on air all evening! It almost feels like being in love. I feel like one of the luckiest trans-girls in the world, and that I'm blessed to have the best mother in the world (and, yes, I told her so!)

 

Leading up to it, above all else, I wanted to avoid as much drama or seriousness as possible. I never liked "We need to talk..." talks. Who ever does?

 

We're both huge Queer Eye fans (actually, she was the one who got me hooked on it), so I suggested we watch a Queer Eye with dinner (she always likes to watch TV with dinner.)

 

I had a very deliberately casual-ish set of lines planned for right after the episode. The whole time watching, I was battling off nervousness. And when the time came, I nearly choked. But I knew how important it was for own myself, so I forced myself to spit it out, and I forced every uncomfortable, surreal word out:

 

"Hey, there's something I gotta say...There's no way I'd have ever been able to get the courage to say this as a kid, but...(*GULP!!!*)...I've kind of always wished I could get to be a girl!!!!!" *Ducks for cover*

 

*brief blank silence*

 

I continue: "The counselor you know I was looking for, it's not just a regular counselor. I'm looking for a gender therapist."

 

*more panicked brief silence*

 

I don't even remember what she said after that, because I was so stunned by how cool and accepting she was of it! We shared lots of miscellaneous girl talk (girl talk with my mom! yay!) and several big hugs!

 

And you know what??? That's not even the only amazing, incredible news with her of the day! I don't know how much any of you may know of cancer treatment, but her CA19 "cancer marker" numbers have been (thankfully!) declining lately. It had been in the upper 500's, but for a couple of recent two-week chemo treatments it had been declining...albeit very slowly...by around 20 or so points per two-week period. But apparently, from her bloodwork today, over the last two weeks it plummeted around 200 points down into the 300-range!!!

 

OMG, You have no idea, for SOOO LONG, literally, every single year, September-ish or so has been "big, very bad, life changes". Consistently, like clockwork. Last year, it was my mom's diagnosis of cancer. The year before it was my uncle's (more of a father to me than my technical "father")...he's now been in remission for a full year! The years before that, it was always other horrible things.

 

But this year, September-ish rolls around, and...once again, there's more big, life altering changes, right on schedule. Except this time, they're all good changes!!! OMG!!! First of all, thanks to all of you wonderful women, I discover there's genuine hope for my lifelong dream of getting to be female, that contrary to what I thought, I'm not excluded from trans-ness. And then I actually come out to my mom! (I still can't believe I did that!!!) And it turns out she's far more supportive than I ever would have guessed! And healthier than I could have guessed!!

 

So right now, here I sit, happiest girl in the world, wearing my favorite (only) skirt, beloved trans-flag scrunchie, soft silky panties, and a beautiful plus-sized bra you helped me find on amazon, and for the first time ever, I don't even have to be afraid of her waking up, coming downstairs and being caught!

 

I'm in heaven! And yet, I know things actually have a real chance to get even better from here on out!!

 

Discovering, from right here, that my case details don't exclude me from being trans after all, made the fantasy of being a girl suddenly seem plausible. Now, having a mental heart-to-heart with my inner woman, and coming out to my mom and finding more support than I could've imagined, turned my fantasy of being a girl into a likely reality.

 

I've been through so, very much in the past, and yet, now I feel so very blessed thanks to all of you. I'm eternally grateful. *bows*

 

I feel like a Disney princess!

 

Thank you all, so very, very much!!! I love you all!

 

 

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Also, as of today, the idea of being a trans-girl no longer feels like a substitute for being a cis-girl. It's a badge of honor. I wear it proudly!

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You're so adorable Heather...I couldn't be happier for you.  Thanks for the details of your "talk".  I'm envious of where you are.  I hope you get that call back too.

?

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1 hour ago, Ann W said:

You're so adorable Heather...I couldn't be happier for you.  Thanks for the details of your "talk".  I'm envious of where you are.  I hope you get that call back too.

?

 

OMG, thank you for saying so! I consider you one of my best friends I've met here, so that really means a lot!

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7 hours ago, Ann W said:

"don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy"

 

Classic line :)

 

4 hours ago, Susan R said:

You might find she’ll end up becoming one of your biggest allies and supporters. Keep us updated as to this situation.

 

I know now she already is, and I promise I will!!!

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Ohhh, I wish covid was over and we could have a mini-convention and all meet in person!!!!

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2 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

It's a badge of honor. I wear it proudly!

Yep, you’re very special and you should be proud.

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