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About feelings of shame


MiloR

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1 hour ago, MiloR said:

Yes, it is helpful, you have really no idea how helpful it is to know I'm not alone. It actually makes my day. Sometimes when I think about it too much I just sort of feel like I'm going crazy and it's a relief to know I'm not... I mean at the moment I can't say I know people who really understand what I'm going through, so I'm glad to have your thoughts !

And I get it. I would love to have an answer and be confident about it... But I can't completely deny the way I was educated, so it's hard to see clearly what I want sometimes. It's so uncomfortable to be like "in the middle" and wanting stuff but not being sure if you're prepared to loose what you already have... That's difficult.

Yeah, I'm not even sure what I want exactly, and that's what makes it harder. But I'm with you, knowing that other folks are going through similar things, the confusion, the second guessing, is at least a little comforting. Not that it's much easier, but I really wish I was one of those people who "always knew" and slide so firmly into their true gender. At least I would know where I'm going. If you ever need or want to chat, feel free to send me a message.

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1 hour ago, sparky said:

Yeah, I'm not even sure what I want exactly, and that's what makes it harder. But I'm with you, knowing that other folks are going through similar things, the confusion, the second guessing, is at least a little comforting. Not that it's much easier, but I really wish I was one of those people who "always knew" and slide so firmly into their true gender. At least I would know where I'm going. If you ever need or want to chat, feel free to send me a message.

You have my support too. Questioning is tough. And like you I can't say I'm among the people who knew from the beginning. And it's nice to share thoughts on this. So yes, it would be a pleasure to chat, if you want. Won't ever say no to be able to relate to other people. I'm a bit shy though, so starting conversations tends to make me anxious but I'll always be here to answer and chat with you if you want to talk, promise ! 😊

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I think that perhaps that "knew from the beginning" is a stereotype that we don't all fit in.  It doesn't make what we feel - our reality-  less valid.

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1 hour ago, Jandi said:

I think that perhaps that "knew from the beginning" is a stereotype that we don't all fit in.  It doesn't make what we feel - our reality-  less valid.

You're perfectly right ! Thank you for reminding us that !

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9 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Whatever you choose to do is just about making yourself comfortable in your own skin. If Milo needs a couple of tweaks, to feel cozy, so be it. If you don't, that's OK too.

 

I'm also questioning and I'm also in that mad swing from "yes, this feels so right" to "Am I sure?" and "Am I delusional?" (the second stems from fear, the third from shame and inner transphobia). But when I get to set my mind aside, what Jackie C. said is the only thing that matters. Why am I doing this? Why am I questioning? Because I want to be my whole self, confident and comfortable in my skin. Because I want to discover the parts of myself that I've hidden even from myself. Because I long for the peace of being who I am. And that has nothing to do with labels. It only has to do with what I feel, and what feels good to me, and what makes me feel connected with myself.

 

I am writing this for myself as much as for anyone else. I'm in the same journey and just as confused. But coming back to that truth again and again helps me relax and just enjoy every experiment and change I make.

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5 hours ago, Noah A said:

 

I'm also questioning and I'm also in that mad swing from "yes, this feels so right" to "Am I sure?" and "Am I delusional?" (the second stems from fear, the third from shame and inner transphobia). But when I get to set my mind aside, what Jackie C. said is the only thing that matters. Why am I doing this? Why am I questioning? Because I want to be my whole self, confident and comfortable in my skin. Because I want to discover the parts of myself that I've hidden even from myself. Because I long for the peace of being who I am. And that has nothing to do with labels. It only has to do with what I feel, and what feels good to me, and what makes me feel connected with myself.

 

I am writing this for myself as much as for anyone else. I'm in the same journey and just as confused. But coming back to that truth again and again helps me relax and just enjoy every experiment and change I make.

Those are very interesting thoughts. And to be honest, I don't know what to do with my fear. Because my fear is also there, also real, even if I'm enjoying some of the changes. And fear is a defense mechanism, so it's hard to ignore it and it's distressing when you don't know where it comes from. Everytime I feel fear I tell myself "why? what does your mind/body want to warn you about?" and everytime I'm not sure.

But you're right, yes. Feeling better in our own skins is what matters in the end. It's just that I can't really place if my fears are doing me good or refraining me. And to what extent I should listen to them or not.

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2 hours ago, MiloR said:

Those are very interesting thoughts. And to be honest, I don't know what to do with my fear. Because my fear is also there, also real, even if I'm enjoying some of the changes. And fear is a defense mechanism, so it's hard to ignore it and it's distressing when you don't know where it comes from. Everytime I feel fear I tell myself "why? what does your mind/body want to warn you about?" and everytime I'm not sure.

But you're right, yes. Feeling better in our own skins is what matters in the end. It's just that I can't really place if my fears are doing me good or refraining me. And to what extent I should listen to them or not.

 

Have you read Dara Hoffman-Fox book "You and Your Gender Identity. A Guide to Discovery"? It has a really good chapter about fear, shame and guilt. It helped me clarify those and use fear as something that helps me and it's at my side. The whole book is actually amazing and helped me so much. Actually I'm in this forum because of it. Dara Hoffman-Fox is a gender therapist with years of experience. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it (I've seen other people recommend it on this forum too).

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In the end, though, I think that the thing that works best when fear, shame and guilt are so strong, is work through them all, one by one, with a gender therapist. I'm only on my 3rd session, but it has already helped a lot.

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1 hour ago, Noah A said:

 

Have you read Dara Hoffman-Fox book "You and Your Gender Identity. A Guide to Discovery"? It has a really good chapter about fear, shame and guilt. It helped me clarify those and use fear as something that helps me and it's at my side. The whole book is actually amazing and helped me so much. Actually I'm in this forum because of it. Dara Hoffman-Fox is a gender therapist with years of experience. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it (I've seen other people recommend it on this forum too).

I've not heard of that book but I will definitely look into it. Fear, shame, and guilt are all mixing together into a toxic cocktail that's really unpleasant.

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2 hours ago, Noah A said:

 

Have you read Dara Hoffman-Fox book "You and Your Gender Identity. A Guide to Discovery"? It has a really good chapter about fear, shame and guilt. It helped me clarify those and use fear as something that helps me and it's at my side. The whole book is actually amazing and helped me so much. Actually I'm in this forum because of it. Dara Hoffman-Fox is a gender therapist with years of experience. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it (I've seen other people recommend it on this forum too).

No I hadn't heard of it. Never actually read anything on this topic, so thank you for your advice. Do you know if it's possible to have it online or anything ? It's getting more and more complicated here to shop for stuff outside and quarantine may be imposed again tonight in my country, so... I'm not sure how this will work

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1 hour ago, MiloR said:

No I hadn't heard of it. Never actually read anything on this topic, so thank you for your advice. Do you know if it's possible to have it online or anything ? It's getting more and more complicated here to shop for stuff outside and quarantine may be imposed again tonight in my country, so... I'm not sure how this will work

It's on amazon as an ebook through Kindle. That's how I'm getting it.

 

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2 hours ago, MiloR said:

No I hadn't heard of it. Never actually read anything on this topic, so thank you for your advice. Do you know if it's possible to have it online or anything ? It's getting more and more complicated here to shop for stuff outside and quarantine may be imposed again tonight in my country, so... I'm not sure how this will work

 

Both paperback and ebook (kindle) are in Amazon. Straight to your home or your device ;)

If you do not normally use kindle there's no problem, you can download the app in your tablet, laptop or even cell and read it there

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  • Forum Moderator

    I remember when she first came out with this book and it was only available through her site.  Today it is available on Amazon and other online sites.

    I was taught to be ashamed by my society.  If caught expressing my gender issues i was punished.  Sometimes that came trough the withdraw of love, sometimes peers threatened violence.  Fear developed in time and shame was close behind.  Perhaps this started as an infant but developed more as i understood what was expected and in fact required of me to be a member of my family and the society beyond.

    Facing those fears and that shame has taken time and patience with myself.  The feeling that i needed to hide was perhaps the worse.  I took little steps with my heart pounding with fear.  Finding sobriety, this space, therapy and time set me free.  It wasn't easy.  In fact i now look at the process as a kind of rebirth with me suffering the labor pains.   I will never fit completely into societies seeming need for conformity but actually i never did.  Instead i've found comfort in simply being me as i am.  I can't be ashamed of that.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

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3 hours ago, Noah A said:

Have you read Dara Hoffman-Fox book "You and Your Gender Identity.

I'm not sure if it has been mentioned, but they are also on Youtube

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Ok, thank you everyone for the advice, I'll definetly be checking this out, I find this subject fascinating and it would probably help a lot with what I feel !

Thanks a lot, @Jandi for telling me they're on youtube !

And thank you @Charlize for sharing your experience. Knowing that people still manage to be themselves even with a strict education and a hostile environment gives me hope. I totally get the heart-pounding feeling everytime I do something even slightly transgressive. Whenever I shop something on the men's side of anything, I feel terrified inside, even for the slightest things like I don't know, shower gel or anything. Everytime I overcome my fear and do so I feel proud though, so I'll keep going even if I'm probably going to be anxious about it for a while. In any way, I hope I'll stop feeling this shame soon and see clearly who I'm comfortable being.

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4 hours ago, Noah A said:

Have you read Dara Hoffman-Fox book "You and Your Gender Identity. A Guide to Discovery"?

 

Oh, seconded. That's a very good book. Well worth your time.

 

Hugs!

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