Aurora's Feeling log

[Aurora]

Starting a feeling log to help my thoughts and see what happens.

 

Right now, I am feeling very low and horrible right now cause I feel like I am nothing more but a screw up at work.  Yes this time it was my fault for not reading the ticket correctly and realize that my manager wanted a different OS installed than listed.  But working 3rd shift is hard for one and then they do not properly give communication either.  So I am feeling very low and horrible.  I feel like that I cannot get anything right and I am just a giant screw up.  I also feel like that it is time to start looking for another job as my co-workers have been nit picking everything I do and that I have to justify everything from breaks to what am I doing on shift.  But I am just feeling very low and horrible and hating myself thanks to my co-workers at work

[Jackie C.]

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that. I've worked for a communication company that couldn't communicate and I know how hard tech work is in general. It sounds like your co-workers are just picking on you to feel better about themselves. Just know that you're not a screw-up and that we at least still love you for you.

 

May you soon find a better job.

 

Hugs!

[Danusia]

Please stop hating yourself in such a destructive sense, it "breaks" heart during the reading. If You want to complain to someone, find me on transpulse discord, I'll be happy to listen and write :).

Kisses!

[Aurora]

Just feeling a little down here.  Trying to cheer me up with working on my quilt.  I love to sew and started out making cosplay costumes and now I am currently making my first ever quilt.  I have a goal to get my quilt done before surgery so I can cuddle with Elsa.  But I am just trying to work on my sewing to get these thoughts out of my head.

 

Here is a picture of my quilt that I have been working on.

[Emily michelle]

Your quilt looks great. I wish I could sew as good as you.

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, Aurora said:

Here is a picture of my quilt that I have been working on.

Wow! Aurora, as someone who does a lot of hand sewing, you have a gift. Beautiful handiwork! My grandmother gave my brother and I each one ‘like’ this years ago—a different pattern obviously but the same kind of checkerboard pattern and overall coloring. Seeing this brought back a very happy memory for me. Thanks for sharing!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Aurora]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

Wow! Aurora, as someone who does a lot of hand sewing, you have a gift. Beautiful handiwork! My grandmother gave my brother and I each one ‘like’ this years ago—a different pattern obviously but the same kind of checkerboard pattern and overall coloring. Seeing this brought back a very happy memory for me. Thanks for sharing!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Your welcome.  I tried to get the whole quilt with how big it is getting.  But the material is a Disney Frozen themed.  I just love Frozen and Elsa.  I have a goal to get my quilt done before my surgery so I can cuddle with Elsa.

[Jani]

Your Quilt is beautiful.  My mother in law used to quilt.  It takes imagination and patience.  Great job!
 

[Aurora]

Just feeling down.  It's cause of my work and how I don't feel like a girly girl.  I feel like a dude when I am racking servers and running cross connects.  I work in a data center which houses servers for customer websites and keeping the internet up and running.  When I am racking servers, running cross connects, building servers.  I just feel like a dude.  I would love to get into our NOC support team and be able to do NOC support but feel like that I cannot.

[Aurora]

First off, just want to say that I hate Sunday's cause I always feel like this for some reason.

 

Then also I feel like that no one likes me and I have no friends and no one wants to talk to me.  I just feel like such a loser that no one wants around and just feel like that I would be better off if I was not around

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hey Aurora, I am new here and just came across your post about Sundays. I'm sorry you're battling those feelings today. That's so not cool. Please believe me that whether you can see or feel it, the world would notice if you were not in it. You are not an accident and a precious and amazing part of this delicate ecosystem we call life. The world would be a much lesser place without you in it. I understand not having people to talk to sometimes and how that can be hard. It must be very difficult for you. I don't need to know you to know you are not a loser. You are a blessing to those around you and to the world and it needs your voice and your love to function properly. I know it sounds cliche, but we are here for you sister. Bless you. I hope your evening is going well. ♥️

[Jani]

On 11/3/2020 at 6:17 PM, Aurora said:

I feel like a dude when I am racking servers and running cross connects.  I work in a data center which houses servers for customer websites and keeping the internet up and running.  When I am racking servers, running cross connects, building servers.  I just feel like a dude.

Aurora please don't feel that way.  There are no gendered jobs or careers.   I remember it as a painful time, but it will pass.  While you've been on your journey for a few years, this takes time.  I am also a tall woman so don't think you're alone with that trait.  Own the moment!  Look around, women come in all shapes and sizes!  I hope your day gets better.

 

Jani

[Aurora]

Want to share that I got my hair trimmed today and taken care of.  This is my natural hair color and growth.  No filters were added.  I cannot believe how much my hair has grown.  I look so cute and I love it

[Mmindy]

5 hours ago, Aurora said:

Want to share that I got my hair trimmed today and taken care of.  This is my natural hair color and growth.  No filters were added.  I cannot believe how much my hair has grown.  I look so cute and I love it

That's great @Aurorayour smile says it all. How much did they trim off? It looks very nice. My last hair cut was in August 2018, and I need to have it trimmed and styled. I lost a chunk of it in a creeper caster under my boat trailer last week. Lesson learned, just because you have your hair up in a ponytail, it's not shop safe when laying down on a creeper. From now on if I'm going under a vehicle my ponytail will be up under my hat in a bun. I had to roll off the creeper and crawl out so I could unspool as much hair as possible. Unfortunately I couldn't get completely free of the caster and scissors had to be used. 

[Aurora]

Really hating myself.  Hating how I don't look or feel like a true woman.  Hating the fact that I am nothing more than a loser that no one likes or wants to be around.

[Jani]

Hey!  You've got to believe in yourself.  Feeling like a true woman will come.  You don't just flip a switch and it happens.  Others may disagree, but stay away from face app and the like.   They distort your view of reality by presenting an unobtainable "avatar" and not a real person.  Real people are always better as they are true.  You've not a loser.  Think back to the other day when you were feeling good (see above).  Try to get that feeling back, recreate it if you have to.

 

All my best, 

Jani

[Aurora]

Today is the second half of my shot day.  Feeling better.  Got to love injections and how you go up and down.  I am glad that my doctor has me doing a twice a week injection so the drop is not too drastic and trying to keep me stable as much as possible.  so the drops and ups are not super drastic

[Mmindy]

Good evening @Auroraand @Jani.

Aurora, you are not alone in your ups and downs, and Jani is correct about looking back at the smiling image you posted earlier this week. Remember transition is a slow slide and you can't grease the skids with a face app to speed up transition. They build in unrealistic standards and expectations cropping up at the most vulnerable time. 

 

You are valued, loved, and irreplaceable to more people than you know. Give them time to see you shine as a blossoming flower, that was just packed into a larger pot.?

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Aurora]

I was just remembering how I spent 36 years with my dead name and how it just really did not fit me.  I used to answer to hey you and yo.  It just felt uncomfortable with my dead name.  And when I legally changed my name and gender marker, I feel so much more comfortable and get upset when people try to call me hey you or yo now.  Unless I look up my old dead name, I pretty much have forgotten what my dead name is.  My dead name is so far different from my current name.

[Aurora]

As the Thanksgiving holiday season is approaching.  I am feeling down as I have no where to go and no friends.  I am just like why does everyone hate me and why does no one want to be around me.  I am just so alone and feel like everyone hates me and feel like I should be better of dead.

[VickySGV]

I truly think you have more friends than you know or can recognize just now.  This year it is difficult and even I just bought my own Thanksgiving Turkey dinner which will be a microwave Banquet frozen job because my other family members that I would usually be with are super scared of the virus and are more vulnerable than I am.  In past years, I have had Chosen Family in the Trans community, but they too are having simple meals with live-in partners and not coming out for parties, so I will be here on my computer waiting for the microwave timer to go off.  In the words of a song my Trans Chorus has taken on as their "anthem"  (i)(We)(You) have more friends that you know, some stand beside you, some you are going to meet.  Don't give up, don't give in, those who love you the most may need more time to grow, you are going to be OK, because you have more friends than you know."  You have friends here, that I know or I would not have stuck around this long.  I have been where you are, and when I had given up hope of finding people I could love or trust, I found myself open to finding the real friends I needed.

[DeeDee]

@Aurora I can't really add anything to what the others have already said but I can offer a virtual hug. ? This week was the first time since one afternoon in July that I have seen any of my friends in person and even though I am an introvert and happy not dealing with people it has been tough for me too. You are strong and brave, look at where you are now to where you were a couple of years ago - when we are feeling down we focus on the negatives, but think of the positives - looking at that gorgeous long hair in your photo I can think of at least one positive thing I am really jealous of!  

[Aurora]

First off, I know you should not self diagnose yourself, but wondering if part of my issues are due to being emotionally wonded.  I looked up signs and trying to be full honest and going off what others have said, I really think that I have been emotionally wonded.

 

1. Crying easily over small things.
2. Losing interest in the things you used to enjoy.
3. getting annoyed easily by people’s behaviors.
4. feeling worthless and hopeless.
5. Replaying the bad memories in your head until you’re numb
6. Overthinking everything.
7. A chaotic sleep schedule.

 

Here is a list of signs that I have found and I have to say that it is a mix of Yes / No / sort of sometimes

[Mmindy]

@Aurora2020 is just not a good time for those of us who finally pushed the closet door open. My siblings are having to cancel our Thanksgiving plans because two of my sisters and a niece have come down with COVID. My sisters life 80 miles apart so they contracted it from different situations. So many of us are being forced back inside.  Take time to tackle one of your hobbies. 

 

>HUGS<

 

Mindy???

[Aurora]

Today is shot day for me. I must have hit the right part of the glutes muscle as I am feeling like that I am floating on a cloud

 

I do my IM shots on Monday and Thursday and I am so glad that I have switched from patches to injections in 2018.