Aurora's Feeling log

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, ElizabethStar said:

Yep, JackieRabbit is the only one anyone needs to follow. All the other just me feel bad about myself.

 

I don't know, I still want to learn Samantha Lux's makeup techniques. I'm pretty sure it's sorcery, but it's amazing.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

I follow a few, but not to compare myself to them.  It's more about issues we deal with for me.

And of course there are others I follow that are not trans.

[Aurora]

As the holidays are coming up.  I am getting more and more depressed.  I have no friends to talk to or go see.   Alot of my family has not called me tried to get back to me.  I have sent out Christmas cards to everyone who sent me Christmas cards last year and I have not received any in return.  Then to top it off, I feel like that my body is rejecting the hormones as I am coming up on my 3 year mark and feel like that the hormones have done nothing for me, yet I see alot of individuals who are on hormones for 6 months and they are totally passable.  I just feel like a loser that no one wants to be or get to know me.  I feel like that I am also a failure.  I am just hating myself.

[Aurora]

So it just hit me and feeling down with that I will never be able to get pregnant and experience the joy's of giving birth and raising a child of my own and creating that special bond with them.  Feel like that I will never get to experience any of that and it is just heart breaking to me

[Ivy]

I'm sorry you're feeling so depressed.  I'd invite you over for coffee or something, but NC is a long way from Arizona.

This is a hard time of year for people that are alone, and the 'Rona only makes it worse.

IDK.  Perhaps the hormones are doing more than you realize.  Sometimes our expectations are…    I wouldn't judge myself by Youtubers.  Sometimes there is a bit of surgery involved.

 

I wish there was more I could say.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

So it just hit me and feeling down with that I will never be able to get pregnant and experience the joy's of giving birth and raising a child of my own and creating that special bond with them.  Feel like that I will never get to experience any of that and it is just heart breaking to me

 

OK, but is it that important? I'm not saying your feelings are invalid and short of a scientific miracle we're not going to be able to grow our own children inside us but...

 

There are other options. Love is love. Surrogate wombs. Adoption. Etc... Just because we can't have natural childbirth doesn't mean we can't love and form a special bond with a child who needs us. If my transition experience has taught me anything it's that the bonds of blood aren't as important as the bonds of the heart. If you have love enough to give a child... love a child. Raise them to be the best version of themselves they can be.

 

Hugs!

[Audrey]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

So it just hit me and feeling down with that I will never be able to get pregnant and experience the joy's of giving birth and raising a child of my own and creating that special bond with them.  Feel like that I will never get to experience any of that and it is just heart breaking to me

Aurora, I relate to this sadness so very well. I still feel it every time a girlfriend tells me she's pregnant even though I'm really happy for her on the outside. There's a grief in there that I feel is unique to trans women and shared by women who can't get pregnant. I think it was one of the first things I realized about myself that make me wonder about my identity - I didn't want to be the baby's father, I wanted to be the mother.

I do dream of other ways of becoming I could become a mother though, as @Jackie C.describes. I absolutely know that I will love any child of my own whether by childbirth, adoption, or surrogacy. And that fills me with hope and joy!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

 

[Aurora]

Just hating myself with how I have no friends came no one around and that I am all alone.  No one wants to be friends with me or talk to me.  Maybe people are right.  I should just give up and kill myself.

[Jackie C.]

What people are those? They sound terrible.

 

Sweetie, self-love is the most important and hardest lesson you could learn. The whole COVID isolation thing has us all messed up. I'm an introvert and I'm basically climbing the walls. It's pretty normal to feel down about now. Especially with the whole, "Yay, it's the holidays but I can't see anyone," vibe we have going on.

 

You'll get through this and come out the other side with a plethora of new friends. Maybe a core group of loyal minions. At least some people to pal around with.

 

In the meantime, we're here to be relentlessly cheery whenever you need to talk.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

@Auroragiving up isn't the answer to the pursuit of happiness. If transition was easy everyone would do it. Your dreams, are worth the climb no mater how spaced out the rungs are. I'm a mile and a half from my youngest grandchild and I haven't seen them since June because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Your loneliness is valid and we're almost through this pandemic and visiting people. The other thing I'm looking forward to is real people meeting for group therapy and sharing real struggles with people who will be able to hug and cry with them. Don't give up on us, we're all trapped in Video Med Checks. Let's get through tonight, and we'll chat in the morning. One Day At A Time. You know what I did most of the day? I watched Celtic Dancers and Buck Board Dancer do some of the fanciest foot work you can imagine.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Aurora]

My only friend right now is my kitty Lilly.  She is my cuddle bear and knows when I am feeling down.  I love my kitty

[Audrey]

❤️

Lilly is so adorable! Our feline companions really do give us the unconditional love we need when we need it the most.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

Huh, Lilly looks like my cuddle bug Franklin. Except she probably has all four legs. Sweet little thing.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

She looks a lot like my Becky also. 

[Jackie C.]

I just realized there should be a picture. Cat pictures make people feel better.

 

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

Becky is off somewhere tormenting small rodents.

[Ivy]

Here's a pix of Becky

 

[Jani]

On 12/19/2020 at 8:57 AM, Jackie C. said:

I just realized there should be a picture. Cat pictures make people feel better.

 

How true!

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi Thank you Jandi - love the kitty.....

 

@Cyndee how about a photo of Zulu?

[Cyndee]

On 12/20/2020 at 7:13 AM, Shay said:

 

how about a photo of Zulu?

 

@Shay - Ok here she is Michelle for this thread...?

 

Hugs

 

C

[Jani]

She's got that "you talking about me?" look.  

[Aurora]

Hello All:

 

Wanted to share that I am impressed with my mom and how far she has come with me coming out transitioning with just being myself.

 

So yesterday, I went over to my mom's house to spend Christmas with her and she was telling me that she was talking to my sister and my sister asked my mom " is dead name coming over to visit "  My mom then turns around and tells my sister, no dead name is not coming over, but our sister Amy is coming over.  Then my mom proceeds to tell my sister to remember, dead name is dead and buried in the backyard.  My sister was like Oh.

 

My mom has really come around with supporting me and telling people, that I am her daughter and nothing more.

[Jackie C.]

That's awesome! Good on your mother for getting it.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

My mom has really come around with supporting me and telling people, that I am her daughter and nothing more.

That's great Aurora, I hope your family follows your mom's lead and see you for who you really are She/Her.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Audrey]

@Aurora I'm so delighted to read about your Christmas get-together with your family! It's absolutely wonderful that your mother is becoming so supportive of you, and that she's helping your family along in accepting and embracing you... especially that your mother is thinking of you as her daughter. What a truly lovely Christmas gift - you must feel so happy. Stories like yours inspire me more and more to find the courage to let my own family into my life, so thank you so much for sharing! ❤️

 

Love,

~Audrey.