Aurora's Feeling log

[Aurora]

So I am starting to figure out why I am having such a hard time with my transition.  And it is the fact that I really don't have any imidiate support.  With living alone and being alone.  I really don't have anyone there to comfort me when I need comforting.  My mom is really the only family that sort of supports me and loves me.  But she is not really fully there for me.  Then with COVID, there is no physical support groups.  I really don't have any friends.  So I am all alone by myself with no one to help comfort me when I need it.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

So I am starting to figure out why I am having such a hard time with my transition.  And it is the fact that I really don't have any imidiate support.  With living alone and being alone.  I really don't have anyone there to comfort me when I need comforting.  My mom is really the only family that sort of supports me and loves me.  But she is not really fully there for me.  Then with COVID, there is no physical support groups.  I really don't have any friends.  So I am all alone by myself with no one to help comfort me when I need it.

I can understand this.  I live by myself also.  And being retired I don't have a job to go to.  With covid I don't go much of anywhere but the store when needed.  I do have family that supports me in my transition, but they are all out of town, so there is no contact other than phone or online.

This forum helps a lot, but it's no substitute for actually being with people.  It gets pretty depressing at times.  I'm just trying to hold on till maybe this covid passes.  I don't know what will happen then, but it seems like it will be a new beginning in a way.  Maybe having a year off, and then coming back as a new person (in a way) farther along in my new life will be a good thing.  But for now, it sux.

[Audrey]

Dear Aurora, I'm sorry to read this and I do relate to your situation here. I also live alone, and COVID-19 has done a lot of damage to support networks... especially when going through as transformative a journey as this one, when it's so essential to have people there cheering for us, witnessing our transition, and there for us when we need it most when we're feeling really depressed or anxious. I can just imagine how isolated you feel. I'm really glad your mother is there and supportive of you, but I understand your desire for strong connections where you have emotional intimacy and can share your life with. I know I'm really blessed to have my partner who has been extremely supportive - but she is really the only person I've spent any time with face-to-face since last March. Everyone else has been Zoom calls, phone calls, text messages, and emails. As @Jandi said, that's no substitute for real connections. I feel things will improve throughout 2021 and face-to-face connections will eventually return, but in the meantime it's quite isolating. Yes it's harder to meet new people, but the effort is well worth it because the alternative is nothing at all, a painful prospect for sure. That's why I'm pushing to keep my existing friendships strong by trying every creative idea we can try virtually. One of my favorite things is our virtual girls nights on Zoom, now a tradition since I came out, and I really look forward to them. If you're connected with a therapist, maybe explore in an upcoming session about how to build your support network during the pandemic. In this time of social distancing, the Trans Pulse forums were a wonderful discovery I made by chance rght after Thanksgiving. I have met so many absolutely amazing people here, and I'm humbled by how much warmth there is. So with that thought in mind... please know that you can count me among your friends, Aurora. You are a strong and resilient woman! ?

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jani]

Aurora unfortunately you have the double dilemma of transition and quarantine.  Being alone is never easy.  We just have to work that much harder.  Audrey's comments and advice are great.  Yes this is hard, but it has its own rewards.  You are reinventing yourself, and that includes all facets of your life.  The pandemic has made the social aspect really hard but I have faith you will succeed.  Finding new friends and routines will get a little easier when this settles down.  Hang in there, you are strong and not alone. 

 

Jani

[Aurora]

I am feeling so happy and excited.  I just had a call from Dr Crane's office in Austin TX, and I got my surgery scheduled for April 21st.  I don't need to wait for a long time again.  I got everything done and ready to go.  So it will be GCS time.  Cannot wait to have my birth defect gone

[Audrey]

Aurora, that's such great news! You've faced so many obstacles on your path to your surgery, and I'm so happy that you have a date on the calendar to look forward to.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

Fantastic news!

 

May your surgery be flawless and your recovery swift!

 

And you take full advantage of "being a princess" while you're healing. That part is kind of neat.

 

Hugs!

[Chloe Cozee]

@Aurora I am very happy for you! Good luck!

 

Hugs,

Chloe

[Bri2020]

Thats amazing and so exciting! just a few months away to realizing your dream. How do you function day to day now knowing this is just around the corner and so real.  I don't think I would be able to think about anything else. haha

Hugs

[Susan R]

13 hours ago, Aurora said:

I just had a call from Dr Crane's office in Austin TX, and I got my surgery scheduled for April 21st.

This is wonderful news @Aurora! I’d love to read more about your experience through this as I’m sure many others would. Have you considered posting updates on your progress and recovery? I am so happy for you!

 

Congratulations on this upcoming step in your transition.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Heather Shay]

@Aurora congratulations I am so happy for you - super hugs from here.

[Aurora]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

This is wonderful news @Aurora! I’d love to read more about your experience through this as I’m sure many others would. Have you considered posting updates on your progress and recovery? I am so happy for you!

 

Congratulations on this upcoming step in your transition.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

I will post updates with my surgery.  I am also being followed around by a photojournalist that is taking pictures and showing everything I go through.  Her idea is to show the real behind the scenes of what all we go through unlike alot of these Trans YouTubers that make being Transgender some glitz and glamor and there is more to everything like doctor's checkups and electrolysis and isolation as well

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

I will post updates with my surgery.  I am also being followed around by a photojournalist that is taking pictures and showing everything I go through.  Her idea is to show the real behind the scenes of what all we go through unlike alot of these Trans YouTubers that make being Transgender some glitz and glamor and there is more to everything like doctor's checkups and electrolysis and isolation as well

This sounds exciting...I’d love to get a link from you when you have one available. I watched something like this from a youtuber that used my same surgeon. It was an eye opener to say the least but I at least was prepared when it was my turn.

 

Thanks,

Susan R?

[Aurora]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

This sounds exciting...I’d love to get a link from you when you have one available. I watched something like this from a youtuber that used my same surgeon. It was an eye opener to say the least but I at least was prepared when it was my turn.

 

Thanks,

Susan R?

My problem in the beginning is I got wrapped up in the young Trans YouTubers like Maya, Ava Rose, Casey Blake that all these individuals were able to transition at a young age and they are the Trans influencers that really don't show the true side of transitioning and the therapy and the support groups and everything like that.  These young Trans influencers are making Trans be trendy and be like look at me and want attention.  But their is more to being Transgender and loving yourself.  

 

My therapist would be proud of me, I can admit that I love myself and love who I am

[Audrey]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

My problem in the beginning is I got wrapped up in the young Trans YouTubers like Maya, Ava Rose, Casey Blake that all these individuals were able to transition at a young age and they are the Trans influencers that really don't show the true side of transitioning and the therapy and the support groups and everything like that.  These young Trans influencers are making Trans be trendy and be like look at me and want attention.  But their is more to being Transgender and loving yourself. 

Aurora thank you for sharing this. I agree that the highly visible transgender people on YouTube or other social media are not necessarily representative of the diversity of the trans community or the full range of what it me transitioning experiences. Being trans most certainly not a "trend" and if that idea is held by some outside the community it feels like it delegitimizes our feelings in a way and it gives fuel to transphobia. It also doesn't capture the hardships many of us face on a daily basis, both from the outside world as well as within ourselves.

 

It is a truly wonderful feeling to love oneself!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Audrey said:

Being trans most certainly not a "trend" and if that idea is held by some outside the community it feels like it delegitimizes our feelings in a way and it gives fuel to transphobia. It also doesn't capture the hardships many of us face on a daily basis, both from the outside world as well as within ourselves.

All too true. 

And this: " if that idea is held by some outside the community it feels like it delegitimizes our feelings in a way and it gives fuel to transphobia."

[Vanessa Michelle]

Yay @Auroraso glad you're doing so well and this is coming about!! Proud of you!! ❤️

[Aurora]

So this is starting to get real for me.  I have just booked my Airbnb in Austin TX and my Airfare to Austin for my GCS surgery in April 21st.  I am getting nervous and excited at the same time for Dr. Crane

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

I am getting nervous and excited at the same time for Dr. Crane

That's great new @Aurora

April will be here before you know it. We're all excited for you and understand the nervous feeling blended in. I'm sure you'll pack and repack your travel bags several times as you pick out what to wear, and how to look your best.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Bri2020]

Woo hoo!  We're all rooting for you!

[Jackie C.]

Congratulations @Aurora! It'll be over before you know it! Seriously. They give you the drugs then you're waking up and POOF! It's over. ?

 

3 hours ago, Mmindy said:

repack your travel bags several times as you pick out what to wear, and how to look your best.

 

I spent my entire recovery period in my long-shirt style pajamas and adult diapers. I assure you I did NOT look my best at any point during that week. Wear what's comfortable dear and try to think ahead to, "I'll be wearing a catheter for a while so..." Skirts are your friend. Baggy sweats might do, but I went with a medium-length jean skirt.

 

Hugs!

[Aurora]

Hey all.  Just wanting to ask if this is a normal feeling.  I am feeling nervous and yet excited for GCS.  I am looking forward to finally being happy with the right part.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Hey all.  Just wanting to ask if this is a normal feeling.  I am feeling nervous and yet excited for GCS.  I am looking forward to finally being happy with the right part.

 

Oh yeah. Nervous and excited is about right. It's perfectly normal to be nervous about the surgery. Any surgery is risky and this carries a couple of extra risks regarding function, healing, appearance, etc... However, I was also excited about the prospect of having the right part (and having my dysphoria SHUT UP about it). Like I told my therapist: Any result is better than now.

 

Good luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hey all.  Just wanting to ask if this is a normal feeling.  I am feeling nervous and yet excited for GCS.  I am looking forward to finally being happy with the right part.

 

This is totally normal.  It doesn't get any more normal than this. ?

[Aurora]

Hey all:

 

As my surgery date is getting closer, I have thanked my 2 therapist so much and love them so much.  Both of my therapist have always been there for me and still are there for me to talk to.  After I have finished the book True Selves and read the surgeries chapter, it got me to remember how my therapist have warned me that GCS is not a magic wand and will not fix my life.  It will be there to help put my mind and body in sync with each other and to help lessen my dysphoria.  My dysphoria will always be with me, but to lessen it, is the key.  To at least have my mind and body match to help with self confidence and positiveness will be awesome.